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Old 01-04-2012, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
27,448 posts, read 17,619,243 times
Reputation: 39933

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Of course she's nice and sweet, it's harder to use people if you're unpleasant to be around.

I'm all about helping a friend in need, but this has gone so far beyond that. Honestly, like Sierra I thought you were a guy with hopes of getting in her pants....

Just tell her, here's your thirty day notice. You've given her MORE than enough time and support to get her act together.
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Austin
773 posts, read 1,015,086 times
Reputation: 931
Quote:
Originally Posted by cutequeenslady View Post
It is hard to feel like you are letting a friend down. But I don't think lying is the answer. And you don't need to go into a lot of detail either. Just tell her that she is not acting responsibly and has to find somewhere to go. If she is working, she can maybe rent a room in someone's home close to where she works. Even if she finds someone else to take care of her, it is not your fault. She is an adult. I notice there are some people who have never lived independently. It is really sad.
I hate to say this, but I believe this to be more true for women than men. A lot of women fall prey to the Princess Syndrome. I have to admit, I bought into it until about the age of 20, at which point I figured out that it was sheer bunk.

What tugs at me is that she really is trying SO HARD. She's a hard worker, and she's proving that to me every day. We had a talk about the cell phone bill and the car tickets, and a friend of our is loaning her his older vehicle until she can purchase it. This is good headway.
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:08 PM
 
9,209 posts, read 18,043,938 times
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Keep in mind that this kind of person is an expert in appearing to be working hard. But you have to look at the decisions the person makes. All the hard work in the world isn't worth it if you demonstrate poor judgment. And it's that judgment that keeps her failing, which makes people want to help her.
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Earth
3,798 posts, read 6,026,546 times
Reputation: 2521
She needs a thirty day notice. Plain and simple.

And get her off your cell phone plan, good grief!
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Old 01-04-2012, 12:16 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,175 posts, read 14,253,018 times
Reputation: 14776
Quote:
Originally Posted by supernaut112 View Post
over a year ago.

So now we have to share my car if I want rent coming in.
Do you mean to tell me that no one ever could get a job without owning a car? Sorry, I don't buy that. Some people have 2 feet or a bicycle. Just ask my stepson <grin> Wicked, evil stepmother here.

There’s the cell phone bill. I put her on my family plan, only to find that we’re $100 in data usage overages every month that I have to suck up or my cell service gets turned off, too.

Is it against the law to not have a cell phone?

The groceries. I probably only get to eat a third of the food I actually buy.

If I cut off her phone and not let her drive my car, she can’t work and generate income.

Not true. Only if you want to make it EASY for her. You have already. She's not living under the bridge in a cardboard box or shuffling from one homeless shelter to another each night.

Advice?
At some point charity becomes a detriment to the person receiving the charity and you have reached that point with your friend. You are no longer being charitable, you are now some of the problem. She doesn't HAVE to be responsible because there are no consequences. Yes, you want her to work so you let her borrow your car and she doesn't consider you in the equation so she parks where she wants without any thought to consequences. And why should she give them a thought, there are none for her. The only consequences are to you - parking tickets, eventual loss of your vehicle through damage, towing, etc.

Until you stop acting like an enabling parent, she has no reason to change her behavior, does she?

If you want to stop parenting a selfish teen, it's easy. One word: consequences. Tell her this is the way it will be. That you care about her and want her to stop being so dependent on others and to learn how to fend for herself. Tell her that you are planning to move soon and she needs to be ready for that and that you hope some day she will thank you for giving her this opportunity to grow. Then lay out the rules in writing and have her sign off so she cannot say she didn't know. Give her a copy.

1. She goes over on the cell-phone minutes, take away the phone - period. end. People job-hunted and survived without cellphones. There still are pay phones around. And if you have a landline, make absolutely sure you have long distance service disconnected. (Call the phone company to do it.)

2. Next ticket she loses the use of your car - completely. Ah, you say, but she NEEDS it to get to work. She NEEDS to find an alternate means to get to work: bicycle, her two feet, bus, etc.

3. Not contributing to grocery bill - she eats what she buys. Stop feeding her. Seriously, you are enabling her irresponsibility. Buy what you eat. It's a pain to buy only for today, but do it.

And tell her there is a time-limit on your hospitality and she needs to be looking for a new roommate as you are moving soon.
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Old 05-12-2012, 04:22 PM
 
12,422 posts, read 14,547,993 times
Reputation: 14112
Quote:
Originally Posted by srjth View Post
Public transportation and prepaid cell phone. Also shop for your food daily.
I agree....NEVER put someone else on your cell...It's absolutely not neccessary for her to use your car...surely there are people who work and use public transportation?...bus?...walk?....knowing what you do, I'd say you can only blame yourself if she damages the car......cell phones can be bought real cheap...let her pay for her own time.....she can't use you if you don't allow it...and I'd cut it out if I was you, before it ruins your friendship....be strong...for your sake....it won't make things worse...only better...goodluck
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:18 PM
 
1,575 posts, read 1,423,663 times
Reputation: 3754
I was in a situation like this many years ago and was eventually driven out of my own apartment.

I agree with the others: you need to set boundaries and consequences and follow through with them. I'd also check into your local laws to determine what you would need to do to remove her from your apartment legally, if it comes to that. These people don't go willingly unless they've found another victim.

Please also distance yourself emotionally from this woman so she'll have a more difficult time making you feel guilty. You need to put walls around yourself.

Finally, you might benefit from recovery work for codependency. Check out Codependents Anonymous.
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