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Old 02-18-2012, 07:08 PM
 
Location: The Midst of Insanity
3,225 posts, read 6,123,192 times
Reputation: 3209

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I didn't know where to post this. I have a friend who has some serious problems regarding her self esteem, her self image. She's very critical to the point of abuse, telling herself she's terrible and is worthless, trash etc. The other day she was putting rollers in her hair and she dropped one and was saying out loud to herself "Stupid! You're so stupid! Your hair is nothing but trash!" She didn't know I heard her and she was embarrassed when I asked what was going on and why she would say that to herself? She replied that it's the truth and just the way it is, she shrugged it off.

She doesn't take compliments, to the point of thinking people who compliment her are secretly mocking her since she isn't worthy of being complimented. She always puts herself down, always compares herself against others. It's really extreme and bizarre and saddening. I know she's had issues with depression and self harm in her past also. She's actually a wonderful person, quite intelligent and beautiful so I don't understand any of it.

How do I...bring this up or discuss the seriousness of it with her? Or is it not my place? What do you think? Any suggestions? Have any of you ever known someone like this?
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Old 02-18-2012, 07:30 PM
 
6,307 posts, read 7,131,258 times
Reputation: 8048
Unfortunately, I can relate to this, and will respond in (fortunately) looking back and thinking about how I would have wanted a good friend to treat me.

The curler falls to the ground? Go to pick it up, and reassure her as you do that it's ok. Maybe a touch on the arm, or a soft hug, just to reassure her that you are still there. Talking from experience, when I take my sadness out on inanimate objects, it means that I'm not getting reassurance elsewhere. Having someone there, simply to say "it's ok", is HUGE. And, that reassurance you are giving, that TRUST that you are establishing, leads the way to a conversation about what you are seeing.

You are a good friend for wanting to help this situation. Even if she doesn't see it at this point, trust me on this fact.

Talking from the experience of someone like your friend, I would say to start this conversation when it's organic. What I mean by that is not to force it, but wait until you can do it casually. It won't be easy, but if it's done right, it will mean a lot to her. She's obviously hurting, so having someone that she believes is on her side will be a HUGE benefit to her.
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Old 02-18-2012, 07:52 PM
 
Location: Virginia
96 posts, read 79,509 times
Reputation: 84
Sounds like someone has daddy issues.

All jokes aside, tell her you are worried and want her to see a therapist. If it continues than tell her you can stand by and let her do this to herself, can no longer be her friend and wish her the best of luck.
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Old 05-12-2012, 01:06 PM
 
802 posts, read 902,484 times
Reputation: 308
Quote:
Originally Posted by annika08 View Post
I didn't know where to post this. I have a friend who has some serious problems regarding her self esteem, her self image. She's very critical to the point of abuse, telling herself she's terrible and is worthless, trash etc. The other day she was putting rollers in her hair and she dropped one and was saying out loud to herself "Stupid! You're so stupid! Your hair is nothing but trash!" She didn't know I heard her and she was embarrassed when I asked what was going on and why she would say that to herself? She replied that it's the truth and just the way it is, she shrugged it off.

She doesn't take compliments, to the point of thinking people who compliment her are secretly mocking her since she isn't worthy of being complimented. She always puts herself down, always compares herself against others. It's really extreme and bizarre and saddening. I know she's had issues with depression and self harm in her past also. She's actually a wonderful person, quite intelligent and beautiful so I don't understand any of it.

How do I...bring this up or discuss the seriousness of it with her? Or is it not my place? What do you think? Any suggestions? Have any of you ever known someone like this?
NOTE: My Spirituality plays apart into the upcoming post, I ask you to not brush it off based off my belief but use discernment of what feels true.

She's a wounded soul, most likely it was something that happened to her when she was younger and even more likely it happened in her distant past, she's probably very sensitive, though she's more receptive to the negative for whatever reason, always show her love, don't get frustrated if she doesn't have any noticeable progress, just continue to show her love, true unconditional love. Tell her to release the burden/pain, open yourself to her and be receptive, don't judge her. But I can tell she's very sensitive, with that being said observe what she does, listen to, watch what and whom she attracts, judge none just observe (I can't stress that enough).

Bless you for the heart you have and Bless her for the journey she's on. BTW the mind and spirit go hand in hand..
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Old 05-12-2012, 02:37 PM
 
7,099 posts, read 23,889,158 times
Reputation: 7248
She has found a way to react with others. As long as you respond as you have...(as a caring friend) she will continue this way. She doesn't know any other way.

I do not know the answer. You might try getting her to compare herself to others that are really in a worse condition than she is. If she can ever once see that she had an advantage over someone else, then perhaps she could be led out of her personal hell-hole.
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Old 05-12-2012, 03:28 PM
 
1,325 posts, read 3,536,101 times
Reputation: 502
Quote:
Originally Posted by annika08 View Post
I didn't know where to post this. I have a friend who has some serious problems regarding her self esteem, her self image. She's very critical to the point of abuse, telling herself she's terrible and is worthless, trash etc. The other day she was putting rollers in her hair and she dropped one and was saying out loud to herself "Stupid! You're so stupid! Your hair is nothing but trash!" She didn't know I heard her and she was embarrassed when I asked what was going on and why she would say that to herself? She replied that it's the truth and just the way it is, she shrugged it off.

She doesn't take compliments, to the point of thinking people who compliment her are secretly mocking her since she isn't worthy of being complimented. She always puts herself down, always compares herself against others. It's really extreme and bizarre and saddening. I know she's had issues with depression and self harm in her past also. She's actually a wonderful person, quite intelligent and beautiful so I don't understand any of it.

How do I...bring this up or discuss the seriousness of it with her? Or is it not my place? What do you think? Any suggestions? Have any of you ever known someone like this?
First of all, I want to say you sound like a great friend. The fact that you actually care enough to feel her pain and then take the time to post it on this forum to seek advice in hopes of helping speaks volumes about you.

I would assume that since she has a history of being self destructive and depression that she may have already been in therapy at some point. I can only suggest that the next time you see her verbally put herself down perhaps you can tell her you care about her very much as a friend and ask if she wants to talk about it more. Then steer her (gently) toward getting back in therapy (if she can afford it).

The main thing you can do is be a good friend to her and let her know you care. Even if it just means listening to her and being there for her.

Good luck to you both
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Old 05-14-2012, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 2,762,384 times
Reputation: 2183
Quote:
Originally Posted by annika08 View Post
I didn't know where to post this. I have a friend who has some serious problems regarding her self esteem, her self image. She's very critical to the point of abuse, telling herself she's terrible and is worthless, trash etc. The other day she was putting rollers in her hair and she dropped one and was saying out loud to herself "Stupid! You're so stupid! Your hair is nothing but trash!" She didn't know I heard her and she was embarrassed when I asked what was going on and why she would say that to herself? She replied that it's the truth and just the way it is, she shrugged it off.

She doesn't take compliments, to the point of thinking people who compliment her are secretly mocking her since she isn't worthy of being complimented. She always puts herself down, always compares herself against others. It's really extreme and bizarre and saddening. I know she's had issues with depression and self harm in her past also. She's actually a wonderful person, quite intelligent and beautiful so I don't understand any of it.

How do I...bring this up or discuss the seriousness of it with her? Or is it not my place? What do you think? Any suggestions? Have any of you ever known someone like this?
Some people do not really want to be helped, they prefer to stay in the "poor me" stage where all that can be accomplished is to have others feel sympathy. It's warped.
Personally, I stopped spending time with people like this. It drained me, was at my expense, and offered me nothing in return on my investment in the friendship.
It's ultimately up to you if you want to spend time with folks who are not encouraging, uplifting and positive-with and for YOU.
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:08 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,132,160 times
Reputation: 3140
Is she fond of reading?? If yes, consider giving her these books as a gift:
The Secret by Rhonda Byrnes
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Yoga & meditation also helps a lot in healing process. There are lots of free sites that guide you through this process of self-healing & anger management (try fragrantheart dot com)
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Old 09-12-2013, 08:16 PM
 
15 posts, read 57,184 times
Reputation: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by annika08 View Post
I didn't know where to post this. I have a friend who has some serious problems regarding her self esteem, her self image. She's very critical to the point of abuse, telling herself she's terrible and is worthless, trash etc. The other day she was putting rollers in her hair and she dropped one and was saying out loud to herself "Stupid! You're so stupid! Your hair is nothing but trash!" She didn't know I heard her and she was embarrassed when I asked what was going on and why she would say that to herself? She replied that it's the truth and just the way it is, she shrugged it off.

She doesn't take compliments, to the point of thinking people who compliment her are secretly mocking her since she isn't worthy of being complimented. She always puts herself down, always compares herself against others. It's really extreme and bizarre and saddening. I know she's had issues with depression and self harm in her past also. She's actually a wonderful person, quite intelligent and beautiful so I don't understand any of it.

How do I...bring this up or discuss the seriousness of it with her? Or is it not my place? What do you think? Any suggestions? Have any of you ever known someone like this?
You know what affects people's self esteem? Lies!

Example, telling the lie that fair skin is not "appealing" or "attractive" when in fact very fair skin has been seen as being very beautiful in many cultures for many centuries. How can a skin tone that is as you say "unattractive" have been worshipped for so long without media telling lies. Why? Because people had eyes and they saw that ivory skin was and is in fact gorgeous and appealing.

See if more people know the truth, they would not suffer from low self esteem.
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:52 AM
 
12,425 posts, read 14,553,508 times
Reputation: 14122
Your friend has had her psyche damaged...she's probably heard those words so many times she's come to believe it. It's very sad...main thing is you tell her different when she does put herself down. Tell her that's not true..ask her how she'd like to hear you putting yourself down that way, when she knows it isn't true.
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