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Old 02-27-2012, 09:59 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY born & raised!
2,593 posts, read 3,725,774 times
Reputation: 3497

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I have a friend I have known for 20 years. She's a really good person inside and out, and I love her to death. But there is 1 major problem. She keeps making the same mistakes with guys she dates and no matter how many times me and her other friends have given her advice, she never heeds it.

She is one of those typical 5 kids from 4 different guys cases. After the 2nd time she did this, I kind of lost respect for her in a way and stopped hanging out.

She was married to one guy and had her first 2 kids. They broke off but are still close. Fine. But the next guy was clearly just using her, we all told her this. She would start buying him things, so he took full advantage. He would disappear for days on end. She found out she was pregnant just as things were getting bad and decided to have the kid to get back at him. (All the WRONG reasons to have a kid). I warned her this was the worst thing she could do as it would backfire. Sure enough, he avoided her, and she had to track him down for child support.

Next guy, almost the same story and now another kid in the balance.
This last guy she was with for 10 years. We knew from years ago he was another one cheating and taking advantage because even she said so but she stayed anyway. Now he finally left her with yet another kid and she has been crying all over Facebook the last month.

It got to the point where I broke it down for her and told her "You put yourself in these situations time and time again. We've told you for years to avoid these types of guys, but you keep chasing them. You've known for years this guy was no good but stood by him anyway. I don't even know what to say to you anymore".

I want to help her but I don't even know how anymore other than to just listen to her vent which is what I offered to do. I told her I would drag her out of the house to help her get out of this depression. But I feel like a year or 2 from now it's just going to happen again.

Any recommendations on where to steer her? She clearly needs some kind of help but not sure where to turn her.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:11 AM
 
674 posts, read 981,182 times
Reputation: 562
I know you want to help your friend and it's hard to see them suffer and make mistakes....but in this scenario there's nothing you can do.

Some people just never learn and make poor decisions. People need to be responsible for their own choices in life and will benefit from good ones and pay for it from bad ones. It's just the way it is. You can only lead by example and hope they catch on, but there's nothing you can do to help them. Sometimes trying to get too involved swallows you up and their problems quickly become your own.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:19 AM
 
28,906 posts, read 45,194,930 times
Reputation: 45811
You can't. She has to learn on her own. Sounds like it will never happen.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:21 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,025,648 times
Reputation: 39664
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
I have a friend I have known for 20 years. She's a really good person inside and out, and I love her to death. But there is 1 major problem. She keeps making the same mistakes with guys she dates and no matter how many times me and her other friends have given her advice, she never heeds it.

She is one of those typical 5 kids from 4 different guys cases. After the 2nd time she did this, I kind of lost respect for her in a way and stopped hanging out.

She was married to one guy and had her first 2 kids. They broke off but are still close. Fine. But the next guy was clearly just using her, we all told her this. She would start buying him things, so he took full advantage. He would disappear for days on end. She found out she was pregnant just as things were getting bad and decided to have the kid to get back at him. (All the WRONG reasons to have a kid). I warned her this was the worst thing she could do as it would backfire. Sure enough, he avoided her, and she had to track him down for child support.

Next guy, almost the same story and now another kid in the balance.
This last guy she was with for 10 years. We knew from years ago he was another one cheating and taking advantage because even she said so but she stayed anyway. Now he finally left her with yet another kid and she has been crying all over Facebook the last month.

It got to the point where I broke it down for her and told her "You put yourself in these situations time and time again. We've told you for years to avoid these types of guys, but you keep chasing them. You've known for years this guy was no good but stood by him anyway. I don't even know what to say to you anymore".

I want to help her but I don't even know how anymore other than to just listen to her vent which is what I offered to do. I told her I would drag her out of the house to help her get out of this depression. But I feel like a year or 2 from now it's just going to happen again.

Any recommendations on where to steer her? She clearly needs some kind of help but not sure where to turn her.
While it's great to have friends, what your friend really needs is professional help.

PLEASE urge and encourage her to seek out a therapist for some individual counseling.

There are reasons she's such a mess, and until she gets to the bottom of those reasons and deals with them, she will continue to make all the wrong choices.

Please do it today before she brings yet one more child into her miserable life.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:27 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY born & raised!
2,593 posts, read 3,725,774 times
Reputation: 3497
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
While it's great to have friends, what your friend really needs is professional help.

PLEASE urge and encourage her to seek out a therapist for some individual counseling.

There are reasons she's such a mess, and until she gets to the bottom of those reasons and deals with them, she will continue to make all the wrong choices.

Please do it today before she brings yet one more child into her miserable life.
I think this is what she needs. Her own daughter who is now 23 moved out as soon as she could with her boyfriend. I can only imagine what her grown daughter thinks of her, as she was always smart as a whip and even she saw what was happening. She was always the first one to tell her the guys were jerks.

I understand the pain and hurt of a breakup, but she got herself into this mess. I will tell her to please seek counseling before history just repeats itself.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:27 AM
 
15,824 posts, read 18,434,141 times
Reputation: 25604
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
I have a friend I have known for 20 years. She's a really good person inside and out, and I love her to death. But there is 1 major problem. She keeps making the same mistakes with guys she dates and no matter how many times me and her other friends have given her advice, she never heeds it.

She is one of those typical 5 kids from 4 different guys cases. After the 2nd time she did this, I kind of lost respect for her in a way and stopped hanging out.

She was married to one guy and had her first 2 kids. They broke off but are still close. Fine. But the next guy was clearly just using her, we all told her this. She would start buying him things, so he took full advantage. He would disappear for days on end. She found out she was pregnant just as things were getting bad and decided to have the kid to get back at him. (All the WRONG reasons to have a kid). I warned her this was the worst thing she could do as it would backfire. Sure enough, he avoided her, and she had to track him down for child support.

Next guy, almost the same story and now another kid in the balance.
This last guy she was with for 10 years. We knew from years ago he was another one cheating and taking advantage because even she said so but she stayed anyway. Now he finally left her with yet another kid and she has been crying all over Facebook the last month.

It got to the point where I broke it down for her and told her "You put yourself in these situations time and time again. We've told you for years to avoid these types of guys, but you keep chasing them. You've known for years this guy was no good but stood by him anyway. I don't even know what to say to you anymore".

I want to help her but I don't even know how anymore other than to just listen to her vent which is what I offered to do. I told her I would drag her out of the house to help her get out of this depression. But I feel like a year or 2 from now it's just going to happen again.

Any recommendations on where to steer her? She clearly needs some kind of help but not sure where to turn her.
Here is my honest opinion based on my own life experience.

You are/have become co-dependent w/ regards to this friend. She is co-dependent also...I honestly believe that as long as she has you to vent w/ about all these situations that she puts herself into that it relieves enough stress for her that she continues to stay. If she didn't have you to depend on to be able to diffuse this situation she would have to work out her own solutions.

Working out her own solutions is what should have been happening all along. You are in a sense enabling her to stay in these situations...Why does she have to change she has you and your support to fall back on.

I am not sure what your answer to her problems are...or that you should be asking...but regarding your co-dependency you need to do some reading, self-discovery and self-help to find out why you stay so involved in her drama, probably to your own detriment...because you can't possibly be meeting all yours and your own family needs and be consistently worrying about and devoting time to this person.

You need to take care of you. The rest will follow.

Find a co-dependency group and start attending, read a book called "Co-dependent No More" It saved my life years ago, it could be an eye opener for you also. Good luck, keep us updated.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:29 AM
 
14,752 posts, read 27,513,384 times
Reputation: 8732
Most people, depressed or not, smart and not smart, have one or more mistakes they keep making over and over. That's life.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:29 AM
 
35,121 posts, read 37,790,060 times
Reputation: 61840
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss J 74 View Post
I have a friend I have known for 20 years. She's a really good person inside and out, and I love her to death. But there is 1 major problem. She keeps making the same mistakes with guys she dates and no matter how many times me and her other friends have given her advice, she never heeds it.

She is one of those typical 5 kids from 4 different guys cases. After the 2nd time she did this, I kind of lost respect for her in a way and stopped hanging out.

She was married to one guy and had her first 2 kids. They broke off but are still close. Fine. But the next guy was clearly just using her, we all told her this. She would start buying him things, so he took full advantage. He would disappear for days on end. She found out she was pregnant just as things were getting bad and decided to have the kid to get back at him. (All the WRONG reasons to have a kid). I warned her this was the worst thing she could do as it would backfire. Sure enough, he avoided her, and she had to track him down for child support.

Next guy, almost the same story and now another kid in the balance.
This last guy she was with for 10 years. We knew from years ago he was another one cheating and taking advantage because even she said so but she stayed anyway. Now he finally left her with yet another kid and she has been crying all over Facebook the last month.

It got to the point where I broke it down for her and told her "You put yourself in these situations time and time again. We've told you for years to avoid these types of guys, but you keep chasing them. You've known for years this guy was no good but stood by him anyway. I don't even know what to say to you anymore".

I want to help her but I don't even know how anymore other than to just listen to her vent which is what I offered to do. I told her I would drag her out of the house to help her get out of this depression. But I feel like a year or 2 from now it's just going to happen again.

Any recommendations on where to steer her? She clearly needs some kind of help but not sure where to turn her.

Don't try, it is obvious that she does not learn from her mistakes and until she does there is nothing you can do about it. As far as the depression goes she needs to seek professional help to perhaps get medication and counseling.
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Old 02-27-2012, 10:33 AM
 
Location: Brooklyn, NY born & raised!
2,593 posts, read 3,725,774 times
Reputation: 3497
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post
Here is my honest opinion based on my own life experience.

You are/have become co-dependent w/ regards to this friend. She is co-dependent also...I honestly believe that as long as she has you to vent w/ about all these situations that she puts herself into that it relieves enough stress for her that she continues to stay. If she didn't have you to depend on to be able to diffuse this situation she would have to work out her own solutions.

Working out her own solutions is what should have been happening all along. You are in a sense enabling her to stay in these situations...Why does she have to change she has you and your support to fall back on.

I am not sure what your answer to her problems are...or that you should be asking...but regarding your co-dependency you need to do some reading, self-discovery and self-help to find out why you stay so involved in her drama, probably to your own detriment...because you can't possibly be meeting all yours and your own family needs and be consistently worrying about and devoting time to this person.

You need to take care of you. The rest will follow.

Find a co-dependency group and start attending, read a book called "Co-dependent No More" It saved my life years ago, it could be an eye opener for you also. Good luck, keep us updated.
I'm not co-dependent on her at all, you read my post wrong. I stated I stopped hanging out with her. I haven't been there for her through all of this at all. I only know all of this because of her ramblings on Facebook. After she did this with the 2nd guy I knew it was a hopeless case and stopped contact.

So no I'm not enabling her to do anything because I haven't done anything. But hearing her cry every day the past month now made me break down and ask her yesterday if she needs me to come over there because it sounds like she may do something drastic.
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Old 02-27-2012, 11:06 AM
 
Location: NY
8,992 posts, read 14,187,334 times
Reputation: 11330
She does need help.

I know a couple women who would bounce from man to man, because they felt they were inadequate and sought a feeling of self worth through other's desire for them. That always lead to being used...

The one who found help really found it in faith in Christ, and learning about herself through some Christian self help books. It was learning about herself, as a woman, about how and why she had certain needs and desires, and how best to seek out things and people that satisfied them.

I think your friend, in some form, really needs to learn about herself and her desires. Identify them. Then learn about how to be happy with herself and satisfy her desires in a healthy and proactive way. Plenty of resources to do that. Professional help would be an excellent start.
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