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Old 03-01-2012, 12:00 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,004,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myrevenge View Post
My brother is alive & well, thank you for asking. Do you know what type of cancer he has? My brother had testicular cancer which strikes young men and that could be a reason why he's so sensitive about it. It is slow acting if caught early which he may have but might not want to say it to a girlfriend.

He's lucky to have someone who cares so much because most people abandon those with cancer. Still, all you can do is to tell him you care and want to be there for him but if he treats you badly, then no, you leave. He has friends/family and if he keeps pushing you away, then go and save yourself.

Send him an email (if you still care) that is pointblank: I would like to be there for you but I need you to let me in your life. If you don't want that, I'll leave.

You don't have to do that of course and don't do it out of pity for him. It's just if you think this relationship is worth it. Don't feel bad for leaving him either. It's a lot to deal with and not your obligation.
Cancer can be devastating. And I am very glad he is doing well. How old was your brother?

And no, he claims he has pancreatic cancer.

Thank you for your kind words. I consider myself genuine and true and would never consider leaving a friend or partner over cancer. Once I love someone, I love them. Friend, parents, partner, etc etc.

And as far as this goes, I am DONE. It is not that he lied about cancer. He lied, manipulated and used me for many things. I cannot even type out everything he has said and done to me all the while I stood by his side.
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:31 AM
 
461 posts, read 649,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
Cancer can be devastating. And I am very glad he is doing well. How old was your brother?

And no, he claims he has pancreatic cancer.

Thank you for your kind words. I consider myself genuine and true and would never consider leaving a friend or partner over cancer. Once I love someone, I love them. Friend, parents, partner, etc etc.

And as far as this goes, I am DONE. It is not that he lied about cancer. He lied, manipulated and used me for many things. I cannot even type out everything he has said and done to me all the while I stood by his side.
My brother was 29 when he was diagnosed. He was in 4th stage and ignored all the warnings. Testicular cancer is just like breast cancer, men need to check themselves.

Your bf was lucky to have you in his life but people act in strange ways once diagnosed. I know this from going to counseling sessions at the Wellness Center. Pancreatic cancer has a low survival rate. He could be pushing you away for that reason and even though he's able to be up and about now, it can quickly turn. So he might be making the best of it while he can. But still, that's no excuse if he lied, manipulated and used you. Please know you are ok to walk away from this. Feel no guilt.
You are a good, caring person and tried your best. That's all anyone can do.

Go on and live your life and if you take away anything from this experience, it is to appreciate the best things life can offer. And I wish that for you.
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Old 03-01-2012, 12:34 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,004,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myrevenge View Post
My brother was 29 when he was diagnosed. He was in 4th stage and ignored all the warnings. Testicular cancer is just like breast cancer, men need to check themselves.

Your bf was lucky to have you in his life but people act in strange ways once diagnosed. I know this from going to counseling sessions at the Wellness Center. Pancreatic cancer has a low survival rate. He could be pushing you away for that reason and even though he's able to be up and about now, it can quickly turn. So he might be making the best of it while he can. But still, that's no excuse if he lied, manipulated and used you. Please know you are ok to walk away from this. Feel no guilt.
You are a good, caring person and tried your best. That's all anyone can do.

Go on and live your life and if you take away anything from this experience, it is to appreciate the best things life can offer. And I wish that for you.
I agree and thank you once again.

But if that is the case that he could turn around any second and have poor health, WHY DOESNT HE TELL ME? What is so HARD about that? Is he waiting for him to have 1 week left to live to tell me???

If I was in his situation, I would be open about my survival rates. But most of all, I would not tell someone I DO NOT want a relationship and then continue to pursue him.

After thinking about it and posting here, I am seriously considering the fact he is just mentally SICK.
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:13 AM
 
461 posts, read 649,085 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
I agree and thank you once again.

But if that is the case that he could turn around any second and have poor health, WHY DOESNT HE TELL ME? What is so HARD about that? Is he waiting for him to have 1 week left to live to tell me???

If I was in his situation, I would be open about my survival rates. But most of all, I would not tell someone I DO NOT want a relationship and then continue to pursue him.

After thinking about it and posting here, I am seriously considering the fact he is just mentally SICK.
Do you know any of his friends or can you contact a family member to confirm his condition? I think it's highly unlikely a guy uses this as a ploy to avoid dating someone but then, we don't really know?

What I do know is sometimes once someone is diagnosed with a devastating illness, they want to hide from it. It's a form of denial and the will to survive is strong to not admit survival rates. My brother was so strong until he got sick. He turned into a victim and acted like one. They do get mentally sick and can act out in strange ways. I don't mean to disparge men but compared to how my mom acted when she had cancer (twice, kidney and breast), men tend to deny and not admit weakness or want pity so he won't tell you out right what's going on.

It sounds like you need closure so send him an email like I stated above. Be cool and calm emotionally when dealing with him. He will act out erratically. Just don't feed into it.
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Old 03-01-2012, 01:44 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,004,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by myrevenge View Post
Do you know any of his friends or can you contact a family member to confirm his condition? I think it's highly unlikely a guy uses this as a ploy to avoid dating someone but then, we don't really know?

What I do know is sometimes once someone is diagnosed with a devastating illness, they want to hide from it. It's a form of denial and the will to survive is strong to not admit survival rates. My brother was so strong until he got sick. He turned into a victim and acted like one. They do get mentally sick and can act out in strange ways. I don't mean to disparge men but compared to how my mom acted when she had cancer (twice, kidney and breast), men tend to deny and not admit weakness or want pity so he won't tell you out right what's going on.

It sounds like you need closure so send him an email like I stated above. Be cool and calm emotionally when dealing with him. He will act out erratically. Just don't feed into it.
The only person who knows is his mom SUPPOSEDLY. But I can't call her.

Last week, we got into this intense shouting match as described in my op. I got my closure. He couldnt talk to me like a person. Hanging up, manipulating, guilt tripping.......

I think I got my closure.

Let the healing process begin.
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Old 03-01-2012, 04:41 AM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,715 posts, read 22,777,568 times
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I wouldn't contact his family. The guys not stable, and talking to his mother may send him into a rage with consequences for you.

Best Wishes

Verbal / Emotional / Mental / Psych. Abuse

Abusive Relationships, characteristics, consequences and recovery stratagies. (http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm - broken link)
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Old 03-01-2012, 04:52 AM
 
Location: Virginia
90 posts, read 111,675 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
Let the healing process begin.
Remember that it will be a process. Not a defined moment, but a journey and there will be times when you find looking back is easier than looking forward.

Blessings to you as you grow stronger and learn from this experience.
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Old 03-01-2012, 06:13 AM
 
Location: Heart of Dixie
1,298 posts, read 1,850,986 times
Reputation: 1583
WOW! First, I'm sorry you are going thru this. Secondly, I am glad that you have the strength to get out of this. Good for you, now, just keep moving. Last, I would tell everyone I thought he knew, he may be doing many people this way, it's almost extortion.
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Old 03-01-2012, 10:05 AM
 
15,833 posts, read 18,460,249 times
Reputation: 25622
Default Good for you!!

Hon....and I mean that as an endearment, not disrespectfully. You are on the right track. The therapist has helped you and guided you in referring you to a support group.

I applaud you, and your sharing may help someone else. It sometimes takes years to get over the feelings when you have been emotionally abused.

I have heard that emotional abuse in some ways is worse than physical abuse, psychologically, because you can at least show people your bruises....emotional is internal only.

It took you a while to reach out, but you did. Pat yourself on the back, that is a strength.

You will find that each day you will get stronger. Practice affirmations daily, there are lots of good web pages full of positive affirmations. Here is just one Positive Affirmations and Positive Thinking to Manifest change

Surround yourself w/ others like you, healthy on the road to recovery type people. Sharing your story w/ others is a good part of healing. They say to tell your story 100 times.

So, share in your support group, you'll also gain some insights too....look for a support group that shows growth, not just members venting about the same things weekly.

Growth is a positive, you'll keep growing, and along the way sharing, others will also learn from you.

Don't look back, this is a very abusive man from what you are saying.

Some people are sick that way, and hurt people to make themselves feel better, it can be a sick cycle.

Thankfully you had strength to recognize that you needed help, and took the steps to get that help.

Thanks for sharing, and keep us posted.

Last edited by JanND; 03-01-2012 at 10:09 AM.. Reason: wording
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Old 03-01-2012, 11:46 AM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,004,040 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by round4 View Post
WOW! First, I'm sorry you are going thru this. Secondly, I am glad that you have the strength to get out of this. Good for you, now, just keep moving. Last, I would tell everyone I thought he knew, he may be doing many people this way, it's almost extortion.
Thank you. It is too much for me to adsorb as a student and a young 23 year old.

I would tell people he knows but as another posted stated, I don't know his reaction. He knows where I live. He knows where my sister lives. I do not think he would do anything to physically harm us but I did not know he would lie about cancer to manipulate me either.

I know when I do not pick up his phone calls, he calls my sister and my friend asking where I am and why I am not mad at him. So I do not want him harassing them either.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SeeingJane View Post
Remember that it will be a process. Not a defined moment, but a journey and there will be times when you find looking back is easier than looking forward.

Blessings to you as you grow stronger and learn from this experience.
Jane, thank you so much. I could use your blessings and well thoughts. It is not easy. Not at all whatsoever.

Quote:
Originally Posted by virgode View Post
I wouldn't contact his family. The guys not stable, and talking to his mother may send him into a rage with consequences for you.

Best Wishes

Verbal / Emotional / Mental / Psych. Abuse

Abusive Relationships, characteristics, consequences and recovery stratagies. (http://www.recovery-man.com/abusive/abusive.htm - broken link)
Exactly. Speaking of his mom, it is funny because I had a dream last night this his mom told me he was ok and doing well. Maybe a sign that he is LYING?
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