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Old 02-29-2012, 09:51 PM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,007,688 times
Reputation: 3384

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So this is the final picture after months of my scrambling to fit the puzzle pieces together. What a terrible, draining and torturous journey I have been through. I realize I am still one of the fortunate ones (as others suffer for much longer and always go back) who saw the signs within the last 4 or 5 months of our "relationship" but the wounds still bleed fresh.

I am a 23 year old female who is busy with school, trying to find a job, internship and just get on with my life. But I also thought I loved him and he was going through something very serious. He needed my help and I wanted to give him everything to make this easier for him.

He told me he was fighting cancer. My heart broke. We were hitting it off so well and I knew my parents would approve of this man. We could talk for hours every night on the phone and had everything in common. I gave myself to him. Told him I would stay until the very end even if he lost his fight with the disease.

Then the demons arouse. He would hurt me. Manipulate me. Control me. Lie to me. Only to come back and tell me that it was not really him. It was the cancer and treatments doing this to him. He told me he could not commit to me because of his disease but loved me the same.

Somehow it all built up and it was me who was always wrong in his eyes. When I heard rumors that he was dating someone else behind my back, I was the stupid foolish one for believing them DESPITE his actions and words. When I would tell him enough is enough and I do not understand why he will not let me see him at the hospital or see me in general (been 5 months since I have seen him), he would tell me I was selfish to demand seeing him as I knew his health was bad.

Yet, he goes to school full time, bought a brand new car with a payment plan of 3 years, hangs out with cousins to play video games all day. His cousin even slipped up in front of me one time about where he really was and then denied when I asked him about it later.

He would call me names, let me cry by myself, control me, scare me all the while demanding I do EVERYTHING he wanted. He would play mind games like telling me enough details to get my curiosity aroused and then REFUSE to tell me any other details. He would tell me he had cancer but then refuse to tell me any details about it until we got into a fight. Then he would tell me "It is ok if we fight because I won't be around for much longer anyways".

But when I asked him for details out of concern, he would dramatically tell me to not question him and he was keeping me from the details to protect me and to not have me worry. When I told him that NOT KNOWING made me worry even more, he still refused. That was the first sign I should have RUN (not walked away). The second sign should have been when he told me that only me and him mom know and to NOT let ANYONE else know. He didn't even want me to talk to his family members. Why? I don't know but my best guess is because if I did, they would reveal more to me than he wanted me to know.

Last week, I told him I was done. Enough is enough. I told him I needed answers for my closure. He called me and mocked my voice "OHH I NEED ANSWERS. WAHHHHHHHH!". I owned his ass so bad that he told me I made him so sick to his stomach that I made him spit on the floor and I needed to learn manners and respect. He also hung up twice because he couldn't tolerate me. Then he told me he missed me and tried to play his mind manipulating games some more. It ended up with roles reversing. He wept and cried (probably fake tears) and I slept like a baby.


Whether or not he really has cancer, I am still not sure. He told me last month he was gonna be gone in a few months unless he has this life saving surgery. I am not sure if I believe him or not. Either way, I wish his health no harm despite his non stop calls and harassment. Next step will be to REMIND him I am NOT his girlfriend due to how HE HIMSELF WANTED IT and to leave me alone or the police will be called.


There was so much more damage but this is the main aspect of it. It got to the point in January where for the first time in years, I felt so down that I felt like harming myself to relieve the pain. That is when I knew I was beyond self help and reached out. For the past 2 months, my lovely therapist has helped me see the bigger picture. Yesterday she told me I was emotionally and mentally abused and recommended a support group. It really hits the gut to know I was there. My good friend who has also been through a emotional and physically abusive relationship gave me a book which describes abusive men. My ex fits almost EVERY SINGLE category.

I don't know what prompted me to get on here and spill this **** out to you all but maybe it will help someone. I know it is a rant but I do realize I am lucky and strong to leave. If he really does drop dead in a few months, then I will go respect my wishes. That is all I can do but I do have a feeling he is lying. Who would continue to go to school and not tell their family or friends they have a little time left? It was the cancer card that kept me going back because it pulled at my heart strings. Manipulating someone using cancer (whether you really have it or not) is just sick. It shows HE was the problem. Not me, right?

Thank you for reading, y'all. Means a lot.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:53 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,129,117 times
Reputation: 39670
You barely dodged that bullet.

Kudos to you for being smart enough and brave enough to get some help.

Don't look back
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:57 PM
 
Location: State of Being
35,885 posts, read 65,324,631 times
Reputation: 22274
I agree with Loves. Just be glad you pulled out when you did - and also got some professional guidance to validate your feelings.

Don't look back. Cancer or not - this guy is trouble.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:57 PM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,007,688 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
You barely dodged that bullet.

Kudos to you for being smart enough and brave enough to get some help.

Don't look back
Thank you so much. Means a lot.

My therapist told me I am extremely lucky to recognize the signs and come out of my shell to ask for help. My friends would tell me to go back to him. She said she has had patients who would stay in this relationship for not just years but decades. She told me he will never change.

A sign of an abusive person is to make themselves so beautiful and charming to your friends and family so that you look bad when there is a fight. For my siblings birthday, he sent her boots by mail. That is why they always told me to give him one more change. But for my birthday, he did nothing claiming he was ill.

I do not blame my friends or siblings. But now when I tell them everything amidst my breakdown, they completely have my side and support me.

It will be hard. But my healing process has begun.
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Old 02-29-2012, 09:58 PM
 
249 posts, read 664,938 times
Reputation: 518
Well, after he hung up on you once, why did you call back?
Duh?
Grow a pair, change your phone number and move to a new city.

Start fresh, now that you know how life works.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:00 PM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,007,688 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by carmelita189 View Post
Well, after he hung up on you once, why did you call back?
Duh?
Grow a pair, change your phone number and move to a new city.

Start fresh, now that you know how life works.
Who said I called him back?

He called ME back. I NEVER CALL him.

And why should I move to a new city? Are you serious? I am so close to finishing university. Getting EXCELLENT grades. Not going to give it up for him.

Will block number and call police though.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:00 PM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
29,975 posts, read 34,587,203 times
Reputation: 35990
Yes he had the problem but be aware that you tolerated the behavior you may also have somewhat of a problem.

Be cautious and ask yourself why you would tolerate his behavior and would you do it again. Don't let it be a pattern or habit.

Learn yourself.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:02 PM
 
Location: SWUS
5,414 posts, read 7,635,393 times
Reputation: 5781
Wow, long time, no post. Hi.

Consider yourself lucky, ask for help if you need it, but definitely do yourself a favor and move on. If he wants to be a loser (regardless of his current health), then let him be one and don't let him drag you down.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:04 PM
 
8,743 posts, read 10,007,688 times
Reputation: 3384
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rakin View Post
Yes he had the problem but be aware that you tolerated the behavior you may also have somewhat of a problem.

Be cautious and ask yourself why you would tolerate his behavior and would you do it again. Don't let it be a pattern or habit.

Learn yourself.
I normally do not. But the whole cancer card and "I am going to die soon" thing got to me for the past 4 or 5 months.

And you are right. I have learned. Never again. No matter how serious his health problem is.

Quote:
Originally Posted by JordanJP View Post
Wow, long time, no post. Hi.

Consider yourself lucky, ask for help if you need it, but definitely do yourself a favor and move on. If he wants to be a loser (regardless of his current health), then let him be one and don't let him drag you down.
Thank you so much for your post. I think I am posting here to validate and see others input on it.

I am considering myself lucky despite the questions on why this had to happen when everything seemed too perfect.

But I know I will be ok.
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Old 02-29-2012, 10:11 PM
 
Location: DFW - Coppell / Las Colinas
29,975 posts, read 34,587,203 times
Reputation: 35990
Quote:
Originally Posted by Theliberalvoice View Post
And you are right. I have learned. Never again. But I know I will be ok.
You know, there are wise people and not wise people in this world. I think of myself as one of the (hopefully) wise ones that comes with age.

"I have learned" is what wisdom is all about. Making mistakes is natural and common. Me... I have learned to make fewer as I get older.
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