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Old 03-22-2012, 12:07 PM
 
42 posts, read 145,946 times
Reputation: 63

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I'm a 35 year old mother of three whose childhood and early adult life was chaotic to say the least. I didn't know it at the time but my mother suffered with severe Borderline Personality disorder. She was in and out of my life a lot growing up. Sometimes she was gone several months at a time to be with a man she just met, other times she was in a psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts and threats. She literally loved me one day and hated me the next. She was an emotional terrorist. I feared her and her wrath immensely and looked forward to the time she wasn't around. I was scared she'd commit suicide while at the same time secretly hoping she'd follow though. She tortured me emotionally and it left me with deep psychological scars.

When I was 16, she manipulated my brother into accusing me of having sexually abused him. I was arrested, handcuffed at my high school, read my rights, and faced a 5 month long trail. I was looking at possibly spending 15-25 years in prison. My mother, her 6th husband at the time and my brother and sister all testified against me in court. It was the single biggest defining event in my life and changed everything. After 5 months, my brother confessed he had lied about the whole thing and my charges were dropped immediately. I was left to pick up the shattered pieces of my life. I was never the same again. I have lived the past 20 years being distrustful, paranoid about people's intentions, always looking over my shoulder and unable to fully recover.

In 1998, I decided to cut my mother out of my life all-together. I've had no contact and I never will again. I hate her! What she did to me has made me feel worthless, sad, lonely, angry and unable to put words to my feelings.

About 6 weeks ago, I started seeing a psychologist. What prompted me to seek help was the fact that I got pulled over by the police for a traffic infraction (my first one ever since getting my license 18 years ago). I have a fear of the police after my arrest as a teenager and my reaction was instant. I started to shake and cry uncontrollably. I got out of my car while the officer was writing my ticket because I had to throw up, and I barely made it home in one piece.

As an adult and a mother myself, I have not perpetuated the same experience that I grew up with. Being a parent is the biggest joy in my life and the fact that my mother was in and out of my life as a child gave other more stable people in my life a chance to intervene and show me what it was really like to be loved unconditionally. I give those family members a lot of credit for how I turned out.

How on earth do you feel normal after this? Will I be in therapy for the rest of my life? How do I get back to a normal mental healthiness when I feel so paranoid all the time?

Anyone else been through this?
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:21 PM
 
Location: USA
1,809 posts, read 2,143,777 times
Reputation: 4045
First, I'm so sorry for the way your mother treated you and the false charges filed against you. I cannot imagine anything scarier.

As to your questions: I think you are more "normal" then you give yourself credit for. You're raising children, they are your joy and you've known other stable people in your life and you are aware enough to know to seek therapy.

Only your therapist can tell you if you'll be there the rest of your life, but I would bet not. You are intelligent, recognize the problem, went seeking help, so I think you will benefit greatly from a good therapist and be able to work all this out.
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:49 PM
 
42 posts, read 145,946 times
Reputation: 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Red On The Noodle View Post
First, I'm so sorry for the way your mother treated you and the false charges filed against you. I cannot imagine anything scarier.

As to your questions: I think you are more "normal" then you give yourself credit for. You're raising children, they are your joy and you've known other stable people in your life and you are aware enough to know to seek therapy.

Only your therapist can tell you if you'll be there the rest of your life, but I would bet not. You are intelligent, recognize the problem, went seeking help, so I think you will benefit greatly from a good therapist and be able to work all this out.

Thank you. I don't feel normal. I feel sort of hollow inside. But I have to remind myself how far I've come. That I made the journey almost entirely on my own, and while I stumbled and fell a few times, I did ok for myself. I have a husband who loves me and our children more than anything. I have a wonderful relationship with my sister (my brother who accused me is out of my life as well), and my life is and has been stable for quite some time. The problem isn't what I have, it's what I think. And what I think directly affect the way I feel--hence therapy. This is going to be a long road. I hope it's worth it in the end.

Thank you for your kind words and non-judgemental reply.
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:52 PM
 
4,230 posts, read 5,896,129 times
Reputation: 5308
I've been through some pretty traumatic experiences in my life. They don't define who I am, they push me to be stronger and better than those who inflicted me in my past.
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 86,129,117 times
Reputation: 39670
Quote:
Originally Posted by made-a-mistake View Post
I'm a 35 year old mother of three whose childhood and early adult life was chaotic to say the least. I didn't know it at the time but my mother suffered with severe Borderline Personality disorder. She was in and out of my life a lot growing up. Sometimes she was gone several months at a time to be with a man she just met, other times she was in a psychiatric hospital for suicide attempts and threats. She literally loved me one day and hated me the next. She was an emotional terrorist. I feared her and her wrath immensely and looked forward to the time she wasn't around. I was scared she'd commit suicide while at the same time secretly hoping she'd follow though. She tortured me emotionally and it left me with deep psychological scars.

When I was 16, she manipulated my brother into accusing me of having sexually abused him. I was arrested, handcuffed at my high school, read my rights, and faced a 5 month long trail. I was looking at possibly spending 15-25 years in prison. My mother, her 6th husband at the time and my brother and sister all testified against me in court. It was the single biggest defining event in my life and changed everything. After 5 months, my brother confessed he had lied about the whole thing and my charges were dropped immediately. I was left to pick up the shattered pieces of my life. I was never the same again. I have lived the past 20 years being distrustful, paranoid about people's intentions, always looking over my shoulder and unable to fully recover.

In 1998, I decided to cut my mother out of my life all-together. I've had no contact and I never will again. I hate her! What she did to me has made me feel worthless, sad, lonely, angry and unable to put words to my feelings.

About 6 weeks ago, I started seeing a psychologist. What prompted me to seek help was the fact that I got pulled over by the police for a traffic infraction (my first one ever since getting my license 18 years ago). I have a fear of the police after my arrest as a teenager and my reaction was instant. I started to shake and cry uncontrollably. I got out of my car while the officer was writing my ticket because I had to throw up, and I barely made it home in one piece.

As an adult and a mother myself, I have not perpetuated the same experience that I grew up with. Being a parent is the biggest joy in my life and the fact that my mother was in and out of my life as a child gave other more stable people in my life a chance to intervene and show me what it was really like to be loved unconditionally. I give those family members a lot of credit for how I turned out.

How on earth do you feel normal after this? Will I be in therapy for the rest of my life? How do I get back to a normal mental healthiness when I feel so paranoid all the time?

Anyone else been through this?
I am so sorry for all you suffered at the hands of your mentally ill mother

YES, there is hope!

Stick with the therapy. It will take a lot of work, but you can overcome the negative, painful impact your mother had on you and be healed in time. And no, I don't think it will take the rest of your life

In addition, you sound a bit traumatized and may actually suffer from post traumatic stress disorder.

If your therapist mentions this to you, ask about being referred to someone who does EMDR therapy. This doesn't help all with PTSD, but is successful for many. EMDR-Breakthrough Therapy for Overcoming Anxiety,Stress,Trauma & Self-Sabotage

Best of luck to you honey, hang in there!

Last edited by lovesMountains; 03-22-2012 at 01:04 PM..
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Old 03-22-2012, 12:58 PM
 
Location: The Great State of Arkansas
5,981 posts, read 15,913,806 times
Reputation: 7531
You - YOU are an amazing survivor of something horrible, and I commend you for your strong stand and your continued very, very normal function in spite of all you have been through. Many people would have folded by now, but you've made it this far. I, for one, salute your resilience!

We've all stumbled and fallen, and with fewer trials than you have been through. I'm no psychologist, but I'd think your reaction to being stopped by the police and your subsequent willingness to immediately confront your fears and distrust - and your memories - would be an indicator that you can and will come through on the other side. It may not be a quick fix and it may not be an easy fix - but you know, I think you've got what it takes to weather it and show yourself what a truly strong woman you are....I know your husband, your sister, the family that got you through, and most assuredly your children are proud to have you in their lives.

You're going to be fine - I just know it!

Peace to you as you face your past. It must be very difficult. Please stay in touch.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:02 PM
 
Location: southwest TN
8,179 posts, read 14,276,689 times
Reputation: 14787
I am so sorry for the trauma you have endured and thrilled you are in therapy. You saw the need and are doing something about it. You deserve a big "atta girl".

When dealing as an adult with a trauma filled childhood, it is important to remind yourself that "you survived" - you are a survivor. The next step is to turn survivor into thriver and you can do it. Becoming a thriver doesn't happen overnight - and it definitely doesn't happen alone. I am glad you have the support of a loving husband and now a therapist. It will take a lot of work, but I assure you that the work has its rewards.

Atta girl.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:36 PM
 
42 posts, read 145,946 times
Reputation: 63
Thanks everyone!

Sam I Am: Your words really touched me (And made me cry, actually), thank you.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:42 PM
 
768 posts, read 869,032 times
Reputation: 1182
Sorry for your past experiences. I can relate. My mother suffered from acute schizophrenia. When I was a child, she had the worst spells of her lifetime - in and out of mental health facilities to try and control her infliction; shock treatments, meds, etc. I won't go into all the details of how it affected me as a small child, but you most likely get the idea. What amplified the experience for me was the neighborhood kids; ha ha, you freak - your mother's crazy, fights, isolation, etc.
What made me respond was your comment; "paranoid about peoples' intentions" Yes !!!! I have that problem.
Hang in there, and yes, continue therapy. PM me if you wish to discuss some issues offline.
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Old 03-22-2012, 01:46 PM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,258 posts, read 12,598,581 times
Reputation: 3422
All these parts are what make you the person you are, try to not be so hard on yourself, look at all that you have accomplished!
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