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Old 05-15-2012, 09:51 PM
Status: "happy again, no longer catless! t...." (set 17 days ago)
 
Location: Cushing OK
14,431 posts, read 16,738,478 times
Reputation: 16460

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Quote:
Originally Posted by redvelvet709 View Post
Not really accurate. We can all learn to be flexible and make adjustments as time passes within our relationships. If something is important to one, it needs to get addressed with the other. Change is constant with all of us.

Resentment can and will build if one person is making the perameters of the relationship all about their own needs and wants.
Within some small limit, but consider each individual and what has influenced their current life. Maybe she did go out and socialize before, to have something to do. Now she has kids and doesn't need to. Its all dependent on who and why. But with a five year old and a one year old, especially if she's a stay at home mom, what energy to 'socialize'?

Me, I've always been a loner. If I was in a relationship and my husband wanted to go out a lot, they'd get a cold stare because that is how I am. Once in a while if its a place I like and I'm in the mood. Mostly I just wish the day was over and I could leave when forced to 'socialize'. But for a long time I tried to cater to whims, and then felt like I lost myself. The last attmept ended when he said I went to bed to late and he could 'fix' me. Forget compromize, you don't 'fix' anyone, especially when you knew.

I think the last paragraph highlighted is a good example. With two small kids, its far from unreasoable for her to want to kick back and relax but be there for the kids and stay home. I think that paragraph was intended to suggest she should compromise and be 'social' more often. I see it as exactly the opposite. She's the one who is spending the day with the kids. If she wants to stay home then its up to her. The husband must work. He gets out. It sounds more like it is supposed to be about his needs over hers.

Maybe he needs to ask really nice, not bugging her or making it sound like he knows better, why she doesn't want to go out, if there was something he could do to help. If she isn't interested, she isn't interested. Having kids, espeically a couple of small ones, radically changes the way you live life and sometimes the cost is things you used to do.
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Old 05-15-2012, 10:23 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,742 posts, read 22,835,073 times
Reputation: 17508
Quote:
Originally Posted by ga_sam View Post
My wife is stay at home mom, she is really good at home with Kids, and take cares of entire house. But I want her to step out of house, and learn from the world, but she doesn't like it at all.. She doesn't like making new friends, she just wants to stay at home and take care of kids, I am totally different in this case, I like going out, meeting new people, making friends.

What shall I do ? How do I convince her ? Are their good articiles you can point me to ? I hope she reads and understands something
Quote:
Originally Posted by ga_sam View Post
I totally understanding what you are saying and appreciate your comments. Actually we used to have a blast before our kids, we used to go out every weekend, but after kids life has changed a lot. we have 2 kids , 5 and 1.
Theres a lot left out of these posts, Its difficult to give advice with little information.


Could she have postpartum depression, its only been a year since the birth of your last child or simply have depression anxiety issues?

Does she ever leave the house...could she have agoraphobia, fear of going outside?

How is your relationship?

Is she passive aggressive.... in otherwords, could this be a means of punishment bc shes angry at you, but won't say whats on her mind?

Does she have someone she feels comfortable leaving the kids with?

Do you watch the kids so she can go out for a couple hours?

Do you offer to help with household duties?


Postpartum Depression Symptoms: PPD, Baby Blues, and Postpartum Psychosis

Passive-aggressive behavior: How can I recognize it? - MayoClinic.com

Depression and anxiety: Exercise eases symptoms - MayoClinic.com

Panic disorder with agoraphobia - PubMed Health

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx29.htm
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:08 AM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 2,770,081 times
Reputation: 2183
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
Of course, compromise and communication are the backbone of every relationship, but isn't the OP asking, "how can I change my wife to make her how I want her to be?" If the wife is focused on her young family right now, and she's more of an introvert to begin with, she's not necessarily doing anything wrong.
From his perspective, he is wrong to think he can "make" her do something, but it's sort of a semantics issue. Don't bog down there.

She might be an introvert. She might be focusing on her family. However, there is a problem here that does need addressing, and if her needs are the only ones in focus, this IS, in fact, not going to go away.
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Austin
2,173 posts, read 2,770,081 times
Reputation: 2183
Quote:
Originally Posted by nightbird47 View Post
Within some small limit, but consider each individual and what has influenced their current life. Maybe she did go out and socialize before, to have something to do. Now she has kids and doesn't need to. Its all dependent on who and why. But with a five year old and a one year old, especially if she's a stay at home mom, what energy to 'socialize'?

Me, I've always been a loner. If I was in a relationship and my husband wanted to go out a lot, they'd get a cold stare because that is how I am. Once in a while if its a place I like and I'm in the mood. Mostly I just wish the day was over and I could leave when forced to 'socialize'. But for a long time I tried to cater to whims, and then felt like I lost myself. The last attmept ended when he said I went to bed to late and he could 'fix' me. Forget compromize, you don't 'fix' anyone, especially when you knew.

I think the last paragraph highlighted is a good example. With two small kids, its far from unreasoable for her to want to kick back and relax but be there for the kids and stay home. I think that paragraph was intended to suggest she should compromise and be 'social' more often. I see it as exactly the opposite. She's the one who is spending the day with the kids. If she wants to stay home then its up to her. The husband must work. He gets out. It sounds more like it is supposed to be about his needs over hers.

Maybe he needs to ask really nice, not bugging her or making it sound like he knows better, why she doesn't want to go out, if there was something he could do to help. If she isn't interested, she isn't interested. Having kids, espeically a couple of small ones, radically changes the way you live life and sometimes the cost is things you used to do.
You guys are missing the point. Of course this man cannot make her do his bidding, so to speak. But he should find a way to talk to her, and she should, as the other party in this relationship, compromise as well.

Both are in it.

"The Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
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Old 05-16-2012, 10:25 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,141,972 times
Reputation: 3140
Both of you could have a date night once a week where you can leave kids with a baby sitter for the evening. Couples crusies are also great escapes from routine life. Also, if she is exhausted or depressed, exercising helps a lot in overcoming this state of mind. A gym membership might help. I am sure its a phase & will pass when the kids start getting involved in school. If she used to be social before kids, I think she will bounce back to normal social life. She might be focused on kids for now.
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Old 05-16-2012, 04:48 PM
 
77 posts, read 239,926 times
Reputation: 37
Just to clarify, I didn't mean the word "want" as some of you are thinking. whatever I am doing is good for her, you don't learn anything by sitting at home.

Going on a date without kids is a great idea,but she doesn't want to leave the kids to any babysitter , now what
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:12 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,141,972 times
Reputation: 3140
Is there someone in the family whom she trusts for babysitting like her mom or sisters? Even for couple without kids its difficult to have a date night once a week but you have to make it madatory like any other chore so that you can stay connected. She is probably overwhelmed as a parent & has too much on her mind with managing the house & kids. Maybe you can offer to take some chores off her hand?
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Old 05-18-2012, 10:11 AM
 
77 posts, read 239,926 times
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All our family members are outside US
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Old 05-18-2012, 10:23 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
21,518 posts, read 22,785,000 times
Reputation: 45331
Quote:
Originally Posted by ga_sam View Post
Just to clarify, I didn't mean the word "want" as some of you are thinking. whatever I am doing is good for her, you don't learn anything by sitting at home.
Has she expressed unhappiness about being home with the kids and has she expressed a desire to get out more? Are you unhappy and do you feel neglected as her husband? I guess I'm still confused about why you think you know best for her if she's okay with her life.
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Old 05-18-2012, 04:11 PM
 
413 posts, read 873,846 times
Reputation: 121
She is happy at home, but I think it's importnant to have 2 incomes in home, specially for kids college expenses, it's very difficult to survive on 1 income
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