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Old 05-20-2012, 08:09 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by callmemaybe View Post
I'm actually that friend lol. Yeah, i don't know, I guess i built her up in my mind only to be let down. I think I have too high expectations for life.
No just looking in the wrong places .
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Old 05-21-2012, 12:30 PM
 
Location: Gettysburg, PA
1,563 posts, read 1,509,764 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimac20 View Post
I have a friend who believes he is deeply and truly in love with a certain singer-songwriter. Well apart from the fact my friend seems seriously, seriously upset by the fact he will never actually be with this person. She once told him - I believe jokingly -if things had turned out differently we would be married. But he is still just one of her fans, it's not like they really hang out or know each other personally or intimately.

Anyway, as I said she recently tied the knot and now he says things like 'my life is ruined', 'I'll be single for the rest of my life', 'should I just settle?' When I tell him to be realistic and not be so negative, he accuses me of not knowing what true love feels like.
He's not too bad looking, 22 years of age, a bit nerdy but otherwise a pretty nice guy. Please don't misunderstand, he's not a total wack-job, he's got Asperger's and OCD, but he's generally intelligent and rational it's just that, to be honest, he gets obsessive about things and lacks perspective and maybe common sense. I do wonder how much of what I say is getting through to him. What do you make of all of this?
He just sounds immature. Surprised it's been going on for three years though, that's impressive (in a negative way).





Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimac20 View Post
This continued for the next 3 years. He often talked about how perfect she was, how she was his ideal girl. Nothing too out of the ordinary?

When I tell him to be realistic and not be so negative, he accuses me of not knowing what true love feels like.

Once he actually really falls in love, he'll realize that what's he got going now is just an infatuation. He just feels like he's really in love because at the moment this person means everything to him--but the fact that he's talking about how perfect she is proves that he's not actually in love yet. To love someone means acknowledging their faults too and caring for them despite of it; you can't love someone until you know their flaws.
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:32 PM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,272,211 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimac20 View Post
I have a friend who believes he is deeply and truly in love with a certain singer-songwriter. Recently, she got married, and he thinks this has ruined his life. Here's the story...

He discovered her as she was emerging (he argues that she wasn't that famous then, so it's not really a celeb crush ) artist on the scene. Soon, it seemed, he developed a crush on her and became a huge fan of hers. He'd go to every concert in his hometown, got all her albums.etc, and even bought a World of Warcraft subscription just to talk to her. He occasionally chatted to her for a few minutes after every gig, a bit on WoW, but that was really it.

This continued for the next 3 years. He often talked about how perfect she was, how she was his ideal girl. Nothing too out of the ordinary?

Well apart from the fact my friend seems seriously, seriously upset by the fact he will never actually be with this person. She once told him - I believe jokingly -if things had turned out differently we would be married. But he is still just one of her fans, it's not like they really hang out or know each other personally or intimately.

Anyway, as I said she recently tied the knot and now he says things like 'my life is ruined', 'I'll be single for the rest of my life', 'should I just settle?' When I tell him to be realistic and not be so negative, he accuses me of not knowing what true love feels like.

The same thing happened with another girl, he met, from Australia. He was disappointed that didn't work out either, despite the practical difficulties. He also began a casual acquaintance with a 17 year old Canadian schoolgirl, and was disappointed that she didn't show any romantic interest in him. He thinks trying to find someone in real life is hopeless, as is internet dating, even though he's never really tried it.

He's not too bad looking, 22 years of age, a bit nerdy but otherwise a pretty nice guy. Please don't misunderstand, he's not a total wack-job, he's got Asperger's and OCD, but he's generally intelligent and rational it's just that, to be honest, he gets obsessive about things and lacks perspective and maybe common sense. I do wonder how much of what I say is getting through to him. What do you make of all of this?
It sounds to me like your friend might be suffering from a mild problem with erotomania (sexual or romantic fixation on someone unattainable, particularly of a higher social/economic standing). Other than recommending therapy for this guy to work on his intimacy issues, it doesn't sound like too big of a deal. If he was out trying to harm this woman, you'd never know where he is because he'd be out stalking her everywhere she goes. Just keep an eye on the situation and keep being a friend to him.
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Old 05-21-2012, 05:40 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
It sounds to me like your friend might be suffering from a mild problem with erotomania (sexual or romantic fixation on someone unattainable, particularly of a higher social/economic standing). Other than recommending therapy for this guy to work on his intimacy issues, it doesn't sound like too big of a deal. If he was out trying to harm this woman, you'd never know where he is because he'd be out stalking her everywhere she goes. Just keep an eye on the situation and keep being a friend to him.
Yes I don't think he'd take things as far as say John Hinckley, although the obsessive love is similar. He's not a violent person, nor do I think he would stalk her or anything like that. Yes it's for him to really learn. For his sake, I do hope he will since he's got a lot of love to give and it would be a shame if this prevented him finding true love.
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:07 PM
 
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Many stalkers had no violent history. That woman needs a restraining order if he ever makes any kind of move. No more going where she will be, etc.
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Old 05-21-2012, 06:12 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jodipper View Post
Many stalkers had no violent history. That woman needs a restraining order if he ever makes any kind of move. No more going where she will be, etc.
True, obsession can make you do crazy things. Love can be blind. Or hate, for that matter.
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Old 05-21-2012, 09:16 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,090,267 times
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Don't we all start off being in love with "the idea" of who we think someone is? It takes a while to learn that no matter how perfect a person seems, eventually we will come to know their imperfections.

Life can be the same way. When I was younger I would build up my expectations about certain things and then when it didn't work out the way I had hoped, I would be angry or hugely disappointed. It took me a while to learn to roll with the punches and learn to appreciate the beauty in appreciating the unexpected.

As for falling in love with someone who is untouchable. Sometimes I think it's a subconcious way to avoid having a real relationship. That's another thing that has to be overcome a little bit at a time if someone is so inclined.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:08 AM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
Don't we all start off being in love with "the idea" of who we think someone is? It takes a while to learn that no matter how perfect a person seems, eventually we will come to know their imperfections.

Life can be the same way. When I was younger I would build up my expectations about certain things and then when it didn't work out the way I had hoped, I would be angry or hugely disappointed. It took me a while to learn to roll with the punches and learn to appreciate the beauty in appreciating the unexpected.

As for falling in love with someone who is untouchable. Sometimes I think it's a subconcious way to avoid having a real relationship. That's another thing that has to be overcome a little bit at a time if someone is so inclined.
I've thought about that too. It'd be excuse to use the excuse 'oh but I've been rejected before' (by somebody unattainable) as a reason to just give up on dating.
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Old 05-22-2012, 12:33 AM
 
Location: The heart of Cascadia
1,328 posts, read 2,538,159 times
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I do want a real relationship, just with someone I really feel great love for. I know she's not perfect, I guess I wish she gave me a chance to know her so I could accept her imperfections. Ah well. Too late now! I'm not gonna go stalking her, now that she's married I realize that there's nothing I could ever do to change that. Plus I really care about her and wouldn't want to harm her in any way, and stalking is harmful psychologically even if the person doing it wouldn't hurt a fly. It sucks she married him, I'm still sad about it, but life goes on, can't just wallow in misery.

Also I kinda believed true love could transcend anything, I know that sounds corny, but it was true. Now I think I'm more realistic and realize I'll probably have to 'settle' for something a bit less than true love if I don't wanna be an eternal bachelor. And you know what, that's okay. Ultimately people only mate so they can reproduce anyways no?

The whole thing has kind of made me more of a realist in general, to be honest.
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Old 05-25-2012, 05:15 AM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,090,267 times
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It sounds like you've learned a lot from this relationship even if she wasn't aware she was in a relationship

How old are you? Don't be convinced that you have to settle for less or be stuck as an eternal bachelor yet! Although it does depend on your definition of "settle".

Yeah, "real love" and "real relationships" usually don't live up to what you seen in movies and books. And maybe the ideal but realistic relationship is somewhat rare, I do believe they still exist. We may not all be meant to find someone who feels like a "soul mate", but it doesn't hurt to try for a while.

If that doesn't work, at least don't settle for anything less that someone who feels like a good friend and a good lover.

Some of us are afraid of being hurt, but the truth is, you can't grow if you don't suffer through some pain once in a while.
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