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Old 05-16-2012, 09:37 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
Reputation: 11862

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I have a friend who believes he is deeply and truly in love with a certain singer-songwriter. Recently, she got married, and he thinks this has ruined his life. Here's the story...

He discovered her as she was emerging (he argues that she wasn't that famous then, so it's not really a celeb crush ) artist on the scene. Soon, it seemed, he developed a crush on her and became a huge fan of hers. He'd go to every concert in his hometown, got all her albums.etc, and even bought a World of Warcraft subscription just to talk to her. He occasionally chatted to her for a few minutes after every gig, a bit on WoW, but that was really it.

This continued for the next 3 years. He often talked about how perfect she was, how she was his ideal girl. Nothing too out of the ordinary?

Well apart from the fact my friend seems seriously, seriously upset by the fact he will never actually be with this person. She once told him - I believe jokingly -if things had turned out differently we would be married. But he is still just one of her fans, it's not like they really hang out or know each other personally or intimately.

Anyway, as I said she recently tied the knot and now he says things like 'my life is ruined', 'I'll be single for the rest of my life', 'should I just settle?' When I tell him to be realistic and not be so negative, he accuses me of not knowing what true love feels like.

The same thing happened with another girl, he met, from Australia. He was disappointed that didn't work out either, despite the practical difficulties. He also began a casual acquaintance with a 17 year old Canadian schoolgirl, and was disappointed that she didn't show any romantic interest in him. He thinks trying to find someone in real life is hopeless, as is internet dating, even though he's never really tried it.

He's not too bad looking, 22 years of age, a bit nerdy but otherwise a pretty nice guy. Please don't misunderstand, he's not a total wack-job, he's got Asperger's and OCD, but he's generally intelligent and rational it's just that, to be honest, he gets obsessive about things and lacks perspective and maybe common sense. I do wonder how much of what I say is getting through to him. What do you make of all of this?
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:45 PM
 
944 posts, read 1,365,082 times
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i never understood this........... I will use Justin Beiber as a example.

I see girls crying, fainting and screaming they love him....... Do they even know what love is? How can you love someone you don;t really know? Parents need to teach their kids about love and what it realy is........

Now back to your friend. Same thing but he is much older not some teenie bopper.... Its because he was not taught at a very young age about real love////////// he only knows fantasy love and his parents should have expalined taught him this with his first celeb crush............... this is also why we have so many celeb stalkers. because they were not corrected of thier Fantasy behavior
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Old 05-16-2012, 09:50 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by =Lavender= View Post
i never understood this........... I will use Justin Beiber as a example.

I see girls crying, fainting and screaming they love him....... Do they even know what love is? How can you love someone you don;t really know? Parents need to teach their kids about love and what it realy is........

Now back to your friend. Same thing but he is much older not some teenie bopper.... Its because he was not taught at a very young age about real love////////// he only knows fantasy love and his parents should have expalined taught him this with his first celeb crush............... this is also why we have so many celeb stalkers. because they were not corrected of thier Fantasy behavior
I hope he doesn't get angry at me for saying this (or the thread in general, I haven't asked if I could tell his story, too late now I guess) but I asked him and he said he loved this musician - someone he doesn't know as more than any other ardent fan does - as much as his family and would literally die for her. That's right, someone who probably barely thinks about him as more than another fan. I told him it was crazy talk, but he wouldn't hear it, kept saying he couldn't control it, it was love.etc.
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Old 05-18-2012, 10:12 PM
 
Location: In Sticky San Antonio TX
1,392 posts, read 2,447,852 times
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There are things called erotomanic delusons, but realistically, this fellow with Asperger's will likely maintain this 'fascination' because that is how he is wired. There is a real narcissistic quality to an 'Aspie,' but it is particularly because they are diagnosed in this fashion that they see the world the way they do; it is ego-syntonic, and there is nothing they see wrong with their perspective.

You are likely asking him to change at a time when it is not adaptive for him. He won't likely change for this instance or the next 40-100 situations. He has to be suffering and reflecting it is something over which he has control (and failed to control it) that he may begin to consider other ideas or options re: a love interest. Best of luck. This is kind of like his mating dance or ritual. Really not nice to watch and you may continue saving him into the future.
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Old 05-19-2012, 04:38 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,090,267 times
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Asbergers and OCD are a tough combination. It's very cool of you to be friends with him. Most of the world isn't so understanding.

I imagine it would be tough for someone to be i a romantic relationship with someone who is dealing with both of those things.

I hope for your friends sake, something else comes along for him that will allow him to release his obsession with this girl that you are talking about.

How severe is the asbergers?
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Old 05-19-2012, 06:43 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
Asbergers and OCD are a tough combination. It's very cool of you to be friends with him. Most of the world isn't so understanding.

I imagine it would be tough for someone to be i a romantic relationship with someone who is dealing with both of those things.

I hope for your friends sake, something else comes along for him that will allow him to release his obsession with this girl that you are talking about.

How severe is the asbergers?
Probably about average for an Aspie? In real life he's not the most emotional/connected person, but he is sensitive, and kind-hearted. He's very idealistic, I think he wants the world to be perfect and if anything upsets his plan it's like the end of the world.
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Old 05-19-2012, 06:52 PM
 
Location: Out West
20,574 posts, read 15,415,894 times
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I'm no psychologist nor do I play one on t.v. so take it for what it's worth:

It sounds like he was in love with the IDEA of her.
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Old 05-19-2012, 06:56 PM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by Three Wolves In Snow View Post
I'm no psychologist nor do I play one on t.v. so take it for what it's worth:

It sounds like he was in love with the IDEA of her.
That's what i told him. I told him he was in love with the idea of her. He also fantasized about making music with her, the great life they would have - he had in all planned out in his head. He assumed, from things like her vlogs, she was this angelic, perfect person. The fact he said he loved her as much as his family kind worried me, actually.
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Old 05-20-2012, 01:29 AM
 
10,996 posts, read 11,134,963 times
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As I was reading your post I wondered if he had Aspergers, and sure enough. I don't know a lot about the illness but I do know someone who might have it and they behaved as your friend did. I would say your friend is still young and probably could use some world experience with real people in his life. Only time might help him see reality a little better.
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Old 05-20-2012, 07:18 PM
 
Location: The heart of Cascadia
1,328 posts, read 2,538,159 times
Reputation: 812
I'm actually that friend lol. Yeah, i don't know, I guess i built her up in my mind only to be let down. I think I have too high expectations for life.
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