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Old 05-18-2012, 03:38 PM
 
6,767 posts, read 7,482,828 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by asma410 View Post
@bob, thats so unfortunate what happened to you. I hope our society takes this more seriously. Bullies do get their way easily until someone more authoritative or stronger shows them their place. Even if you dont believe everything a bully says it does make the environment toxic, especially at home, school or workplace. The victim just avoids these areas that are a bully's territory.

There is no well defined line between 'jokes' & hurtful comments. Even if someone is not sensitive, any jokes about their looks, race, weight, physical/mental challenges should be considered bullying & should be off-limits in any group. People let it slide for the fear of being deserted by friends or not appearing 'cool' & it only makes bullies stronger. There is so much easy going humor thats not offensive to anyone in particular & i think people should stick to that. Even if i pretend i am laughing with you, it has a devastating effect on my psyche.
the bully i encountered skipped the cruel jokes and went straight to viscious personal attack , charechter assasination and outright defamation of charechter

worse part was i actually was seduced by thier false hate based appraisals , they poisioned my thoughts and for a while i bought into what they said 100% , i then set about dealing with problems i never had in the first place , booked sessions with therapists etc , developed a full blown complex about myself , i never thought brainwashing was possible before it happened to me , psychological warfare exists or perhaps im just fragile and weak
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Old 05-18-2012, 04:56 PM
 
Location: earth?
7,288 posts, read 10,364,337 times
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One factor to consider is the issue of "rank" (read more about it if interested in the works of Arnold Mindell - "Sitting in the Fire" and "The Leader as Martial Artist" are good selections) . . .if a bully has rank on you, it is difficult to level the playing field - rank is that they have some leverage over you and you are in a weaker or "one down" position.

To even up rank, you can shore your position up with allies - and there are other methods, as well.

I think not playing their game is effective . . .just don't get hooked on whatever it is they are doing/saying to you.
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Old 05-18-2012, 04:58 PM
 
Location: earth?
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Bullying is all about power - dominating another - the reason doesn't really matter.
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Old 05-18-2012, 05:14 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,090,267 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Osito View Post
Yup, adult bullies are everywhere and it seems almost like this kind of behavior gets rewarded or overlooked. I've always had trouble with some other person trying to ruin me, but rarely did it include management at my job until recently. This new manager seemed determined to get me for whatever he could. What stopped him was continually proving to him that I wasn't at fault and he's since let up. I'm not going to let my breath out yet though.



Interesting, I'll look for it.

However I don't think all bullies are sociopaths. Sociopaths tend not to feel, whereas a lot of bullies get positive feelings out of making other people feel bad. Sociopaths tend to do things because they can and have no idea of how it affects others negatively, and they wouldn't care if they did.
I believe there is more than one type of bully. Some are sociopaths and some are not.
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Old 05-18-2012, 05:19 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,090,267 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
one of the great myths out there is that bullies have low self esteem , its a cliche , many bullies have tonnes of self esteem , the one thing all bullies have in common however is arrogance , it takes a high degree of arrogance to believe you are entitled to treat others with contempt

i was a victim of extreme bullying in the workplace nearly fourteen years ago and it had a devestating effect on my life , ive analyised what i could have done a billion times since , i fought my corner as best i could but this was a supervisor , the boss was completley impotent but then again HR is more often than not toothless , willfully so or otherwise , i believe that deep down a lot of employers and indeed people in general have a sneaking regard for bullies , they are seen as ambitious , fiercley determined go getters who allow nothing get in thier way , companys will more often than not side with the bully , circle the wagons , marginalise the person who complains and freeze them out in the hope they resign

looking back , i realise i should have resigned , it was my first instinct early into my stay and i made a huge mistake trying to match the visciousness of a mean spirited malevolent bully

who was a female btw
I said SOME bullies have low self esteem. I still believe that, but thanks for sharing your point of view. I agree that it does take a high degree of arrogance to believe you are entitled to treat others with contempt. I've witnesses plenty of bullying in my life. Including my father who bullied my mother. My sister who has tried to bully the entire family. Along with many others. Bullying comes in many forms and is motivated by many things. I also believe the some bullies are people that were victims of bullying at one point in their lives and incorrectly determined (conciously or subconciously) that in this world you have to either bully or be bullied.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I agree with much of what you've concluded. I think the world does sometime mistake bullies for "go getters". It's sad that so few people are willing to stand up to bullies in a way that demonstrates integrity. But, its not an easy thing to do.

I am just glad that the world is becoming more aware of the true dangers of bullying and people are starting to shine a light on the problem.
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Old 05-18-2012, 05:51 PM
 
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If you want to see profiles of bullies, go to Youtube. I like to look to see how people react to different situations. You have fights, bad drivers, accidents, arguments, arrests, everything.
Some good ones are skateboarders. These kids **** people off by trespassing and then mouthing off to security guards or property owners. When you get an irate person whos used to being in a position of authority who finds himself being disrespected, it can get ugly. Likewise a kid who has had nobody displine them and is suddenly yelled at can have a hard time processing the situation. You can spot bad behavior from both sides , even from police. Its not just skateboarders, its all kinds of situations, fights with neighbors, fast food places, protestors, pedestrians, subway altercations, everywhere.
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Old 05-18-2012, 06:35 PM
 
29,988 posts, read 35,842,224 times
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Default Don't give others permission to treat you like a doormat!

Quote:
Originally Posted by asma410 View Post
Hello!
Does anyone have to deal with adult bullies on a regular basis - family/workplace/friends? How did you stop them? I have tried to read some articles online but they give very 'generic' advice like tell your manager/hr or be assertive. I have tried & it hasn't worked.

I wanted to read some real-life experiences & how you dealt with them? There is not much that people can do to help you stand up to a bully, even at workplace where they get away with - "I was just joking or you are too sensitive" excuses. I should have learnt to deal with bullies in school but I let it slide thinking people grow up but apparently some of them never do.

Also, is there any good book about it that I can read to address these problems?

PLEASE SHARE your experiences.
Bullies in family: separate yourself from them. Don't put yourself in a position to be bullied. Usually with family you can tell when a situation is getting ready to sour. Excuse yourself at the first hint and leave. Draw the line in the sand and don't allow anyone in your family to cross it. Understand that standing up for yourself may mean those family members sever their ties with you. You have to accept this may be the reality and do not return groveling to be their doormat again. As an adult there is no reason to continue to subject yourself to toxic family relationships.

Bullying by friends: friends respect each other, if bullying they are not your friends, dump them and move-on to healthier relationships.

Bullying in the workplace: If it is an equal co-worker, just ignore and do your own work. If it persists file a written complaint with your supervisor and human resources. For liability reasons a formal complaint in the workplace will be unlikely to be ignored. If the bully gets physical file assault charges with law enforcement and file a request for a hearing and a restraining order.

The other option is to find employment elsewhere and don't let anyone begin to bully you at the next workplace.
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Old 05-18-2012, 06:41 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,663 posts, read 64,111,757 times
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I only recently found out about this issue of workplace bullying, it's shocking! People shouldn't have to resign their job due to a bully. There must be a way of appealing to a superior. What if the person has no other job prospects in the vicinity? There's got to be a way to deal with that.

Some bullies are very manipulative, and can win others over to their side. That's the really insidious part. They can change their personalities and convince people they're nice and sweet, and no one suspects what they're doing.

How common is this, does anyone know? I've heard it's really common, but I've never run into it.
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:35 PM
 
2,646 posts, read 5,968,978 times
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Exclamation I do...

Quote:
Originally Posted by asma410 View Post
Hello!
Does anyone have to deal with adult bullies on a regular basis - family/workplace/friends? How did you stop them? I have tried to read some articles online but they give very 'generic' advice like tell your manager/hr or be assertive. I have tried & it hasn't worked.

I wanted to read some real-life experiences & how you dealt with them? There is not much that people can do to help you stand up to a bully, even at workplace where they get away with - "I was just joking or you are too sensitive" excuses. I should have learnt to deal with bullies in school but I let it slide thinking people grow up but apparently some of them never do.

Also, is there any good book about it that I can read to address these problems?

PLEASE SHARE your experiences.
I deal w/female bullies on a daily basis. Got fed up w/it and told my Supv/Manager and Director (in a face to face meeting) that I had had enough, had filed enough complaints and that I was no longer going to be subjected to such a hostile work environment. Told them all I would no longer work a shift w/any of them and if forced to I would go to Labor Relations and my Union. My schedule has been changed and all is well. We shall see...
Koale
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Old 05-18-2012, 08:38 PM
 
Location: Toronto
3,338 posts, read 5,535,356 times
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Ignore. Give them the cold shoulder. Pretend they don't exist. Don't get into the ratholes with them. Unless they physically do anything to threaten or harm you (like vandalize your belongings, physically touch or harm you etc.), they can't push you around if your mind ignores it (and in the case they do dare try any of that stuff, they could easily get into legal trouble!).

Unfortunately (when it comes to psychological bullying such as power games), it's probably easier said than done when it comes to people you have to obey (such as a superior at work etc.) but if not, don't let them wield any power against you by not giving them anything to wield against you (eg. don't dignify any insults coming from any of the losers any more than you would dignify a mad stray dog barking at you from the window).

There used to be a saying some years back -- "talk to the hand, 'cause the face don't wanna listen" .

Last edited by Stumbler.; 05-18-2012 at 08:47 PM..
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