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Old 05-18-2012, 09:44 PM
 
2,740 posts, read 6,982,275 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imcurious View Post
Bullying is all about power - dominating another - the reason doesn't really matter.

Exactly! Bullies have lost power/control over some aspect of their own lives and attempt to get it from someone else.

It is common in kids because so much of their lives are out of their control.

It is unfortunate in adults because they have failed to find their own peace/comfort level and rely on the abuse of others to provide them with some temporary satisfaction. Very short lived.

Quite sad.
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Old 05-18-2012, 10:36 PM
 
1,846 posts, read 2,639,729 times
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Directed towards the OP..

I think there is no real sure fire answer for this, what works for one bully does not work for others.
I have found that the work place is the hardest because attempting to be professional while others are petty is extremely difficult.
I am currently employed as an educational specialist at a homeless shelter and there are some strong personalities in my dept.
I am useto strong personalities since I have a twin sister whom has one as well is Bi-Polar. So I have a thick skin and usually things will roll off unless it starts to get unprofessional or catty.
For instance I do not like being treated like a child by an older woman in my dept who has no patience, is Bi-Polar and suffers from severe anxiety.

I have had a lot of counter-transference from this person because it is like seeing my twin when she is “on one” 8 hours a day 5 days a week.
I had my breaking point Wednesday.
This woman comes into my office and throws not places a file on my desk?
She states “I do not know some of the acronyms in this file, you need to explain it to me.”
I was working on another file when she interrupted, so I kept focused on the file and mentally did a countdown from 10-1 so I would not lose it! I then looked up at her and stated “You need to pick that file up and place it on the desk not throw it and then add please at the end.” I said it in an even calm voice, she looked at me bugged eyed and started rambling about what a horrible day she had and I stated “A emergency on your behalf does not constitute one on my end.” Let’s say on Thursday she was all smiles and apologizing.
I think sometimes we all tend to cut ourselves short and forget that we all deserve respect if we are professional, respectful, have dignity and do our jobs properly.
Self talk helps I do this all the time, I tend to be even tempered and do not get fired up to easy but I am assertive and refuse to be someones punching bag.
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Old 05-19-2012, 05:11 AM
 
6,767 posts, read 7,482,828 times
Reputation: 4187
Quote:
Originally Posted by dr74 View Post
Directed towards the OP..

I think there is no real sure fire answer for this, what works for one bully does not work for others.
I have found that the work place is the hardest because attempting to be professional while others are petty is extremely difficult.
I am currently employed as an educational specialist at a homeless shelter and there are some strong personalities in my dept.
I am useto strong personalities since I have a twin sister whom has one as well is Bi-Polar. So I have a thick skin and usually things will roll off unless it starts to get unprofessional or catty.
For instance I do not like being treated like a child by an older woman in my dept who has no patience, is Bi-Polar and suffers from severe anxiety.

I have had a lot of counter-transference from this person because it is like seeing my twin when she is “on one” 8 hours a day 5 days a week.
I had my breaking point Wednesday.
This woman comes into my office and throws not places a file on my desk?
She states “I do not know some of the acronyms in this file, you need to explain it to me.”
I was working on another file when she interrupted, so I kept focused on the file and mentally did a countdown from 10-1 so I would not lose it! I then looked up at her and stated “You need to pick that file up and place it on the desk not throw it and then add please at the end.” I said it in an even calm voice, she looked at me bugged eyed and started rambling about what a horrible day she had and I stated “A emergency on your behalf does not constitute one on my end.” Let’s say on Thursday she was all smiles and apologizing.
I think sometimes we all tend to cut ourselves short and forget that we all deserve respect if we are professional, respectful, have dignity and do our jobs properly.
Self talk helps I do this all the time, I tend to be even tempered and do not get fired up to easy but I am assertive and refuse to be someones punching bag.

the piece of work i found myself dealing with must have been a full blown sociopath , i once told her that everyone deserves respect and that she should stop treating me like sh1t , to which she shot back , give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like sh1t
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:02 AM
 
Location: Not.here
2,828 posts, read 3,441,565 times
Reputation: 2347
My experience with bullies is that what they think they are projecting as high-self esteem is really a lack of it. They create the illusion that they are very powerful and that others are beneath them. But deep down, they are troubled because their feelings of lack of self-worth, be it intellectually, physically or emotionally, are with them most of the time. So they carry this anger which can easily be mistaken for confidence and self-esteem.

A person with a sense of self esteem and confidence doesn't need to be overbearing and hostile to others because they have nothing to prove. They don't carry the baggage. They may be some of the most unassuming people that you meet. It is like when you are wearing a pair of comfortable shoes...... you don't think about the feet all the time.
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Not.here
2,828 posts, read 3,441,565 times
Reputation: 2347
Quote:
Originally Posted by irish_bob View Post
the piece of work i found myself dealing with must have been a full blown sociopath , i once told her that everyone deserves respect and that she should stop treating me like sh1t , to which she shot back , give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like sh1t
I think that usually translates to something like..... "give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like sh1t....... after all, I was treated like that myself." Of course, they will never admit that to you, but it is usually a reflection on how they were mistreated in the past and the damage is now being passed along.
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Old 05-21-2012, 02:05 AM
 
Location: In a state of denial
1,289 posts, read 2,581,237 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nezlie View Post
I think that usually translates to something like..... "give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like sh1t....... after all, I was treated like that myself." Of course, they will never admit that to you, but it is usually a reflection on how they were mistreated in the past and the damage is now being passed along.
Yes, no doubt they were mistreated as children. In that particular case I would either microphone tape or videotape the co-worker and the next time something like that happened take the evidence to HR.
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Old 05-21-2012, 03:59 AM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
Reputation: 11862
I think with children, the only way that you can really stop a bully in his tracks is confronting him or her for that matter, head on...this doesn't mean giving him a black eye, but stripping away the hard, abrasive, hostile exterior and stripping his soul naked so he can really see for himself how futile it all is.

If you ignore a bully he might tire of toying with you and find someone knew. Not that it's your job to stop him, but sometimes bullies really do need a taste of their own medicine. Chances are, most won't take well to it, so you have to be persistent. Keep in mind that they are (as hard as it is to believe sometimes ) still human, with their own vulnerabilities and weaknesses. They still feel pain, they bleed red. Something that is easy to forget when dealing with difficult people.
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Old 05-21-2012, 04:01 AM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
Reputation: 11862
Quote:
Originally Posted by chuck_steak View Post
Yes, no doubt they were mistreated as children. In that particular case I would either microphone tape or videotape the co-worker and the next time something like that happened take the evidence to HR.
Sometimes...but sometimes they were spoiled as children which, if you look at it, is really also a form of mistreatment. Being too 'kind' is actually borderline abusive. For instance, if your kid loves junk food feeding him an unhealthy diet would definitely be called bad parenting.

They learn that they can get what they want by throwing a tantrum or being aggressive so even though they may not throw tantrums and scream, they will use things like intimidation.etc to control and intimidate etc.
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Old 05-21-2012, 07:56 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,131,391 times
Reputation: 3140
Quote:
Some bullies are very manipulative, and can win others over to their side. That's the really insidious part. They can change their personalities and convince people they're nice and sweet, and no one suspects what they're doing.

How common is this, does anyone know? I've heard it's really common, but I've never run into it.
Yes i have witnessed this. You cannot predict the behavior of these types. Sometimes they are nice to you & do favors & at times they bully you. So you never know whats coming. Its always a suspense & somehow they sense that fear in you & act in a very unpredictable way. Its to have a psychological hold on you. They will be very polite & respectful to others & even you, in front of others but when you are alone they will say the meanest things. Others will be confused when you complain because they have seen them being polite to you. They know what they are doing & how they are manipulating people around them. They are just sick & power mongers.
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Old 05-21-2012, 08:17 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,131,391 times
Reputation: 3140
Quote:
My experience with bullies is that what they think they are projecting as high-self esteem is really a lack of it. They create the illusion that they are very powerful and that others are beneath them. But deep down, they are troubled because their feelings of lack of self-worth, be it intellectually, physically or emotionally, are with them most of the time. So they carry this anger which can easily be mistaken for confidence and self-esteem.
Both types exist - bullies with high self esteem as well as ones with low self-esteem. The ones with low self-esteem are the most manipulative & dangerous 'coz their bullying is mostly psychological. They are the ones who were treated badly in their childhood & are now taking out their vengeance against the world. I was bullied a lot & I have become so sensitive to other's feelings. I would never ever bully anyone as an act of revenge. But a lot of troubled people do & its so sad for the victims. I have seen them switch between periods of low/high self esteem/guilt/pride. When they are in their guilt phase they will try to 'buy' you out with favors or compliments. But dont believe it 'coz it wont last. They will be back with the insults.
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