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Old 06-01-2012, 05:54 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,091,175 times
Reputation: 1027

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Quote:
Originally Posted by asma410 View Post
How do you do that? I had seen something like this on a tv show - fresh prince of bel air, but never took it seriously since it was comedy. Please elaborate.

I remember that episode. Loved it! lol
It actually reminded me of myself and something I did in gradeschool. Some older bigger girl tried to bully me. I barely remember what I said, but I guess it was something along the lines of "no that's not gonna happen".
I think what got her to back of though, was my "crazy eyes". You gotta get you a good "crazy eye" look! << A combination of these two is a good place to start.
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Old 06-01-2012, 05:55 PM
 
Location: FL
1,727 posts, read 2,091,175 times
Reputation: 1027
Quote:
Originally Posted by tegota View Post
Yeh, those are tough scenarios to navigate...but also great opportunities to practice varying approaches and discover what works for you. In that they're literally everywhere.

Over time, I've learned to laugh at obnoxious behavior to the offending parties face. Or just blankly look at them like they're stupid. Being emotionally detached when interacting with those parties, is key...

It's when one becomes emotionally engaged in whatever the other is doing; that they win.

I agree. Thanks!
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:06 PM
 
4,043 posts, read 2,890,696 times
Reputation: 1948
Quote:
Originally Posted by asma410 View Post
Hello!
Does anyone have to deal with adult bullies on a regular basis - family/workplace/friends? How did you stop them? I have tried to read some articles online but they give very 'generic' advice like tell your manager/hr or be assertive. I have tried & it hasn't worked.

I wanted to read some real-life experiences & how you dealt with them? There is not much that people can do to help you stand up to a bully, even at workplace where they get away with - "I was just joking or you are too sensitive" excuses. I should have learnt to deal with bullies in school but I let it slide thinking people grow up but apparently some of them never do.

Also, is there any good book about it that I can read to address these problems?

PLEASE SHARE your experiences.

I once dealt with an adult bully, you bet. I had to be very strong with him, raising my voice, even yelling back at him, telling him off, and he got quiet, very resentfully, for awhile. Then, when near me I found him being nice and quieter.

What happened, I finally realized was that he was, and all bullies are "strong before the weak, and weak before the strong." When I finally got a bucket load of guts and became very strong it's as if something inside him sunk all the way into his shoes or something.

Years later he, for some reason opened up that he was bullied very badly in his earlier years in school, and claims that he finally got a growing spurt and was not, anymore. Someone I know that he grew up across the street from confided in me that he was neglected by both parents. Wish I could remember for sure, but I think she indicated that his father was...a bully.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:38 AM
 
Location: California
313 posts, read 489,535 times
Reputation: 251
I live with an adult bully. He goes off on condescending lectures that make me feel like I am 5 years old and he makes unreasonable demands. He can literally take anything I say and pick it apart and find something wrong in anything I state or do.

Most of the time I refuse to look at him in the eye because I don't want him to think I value or appreciate his sour attitude or his presence.

His presence is usually very irritating because he literally has to dominate every single conversation. There isn't a single conversation that I've been in control of. Every conversation is about him, what he knows, and how I've made mistakes. His attitude is like this with nearly everyone. On a daily basis he looks for something to be offended by and gives condescending lectures: he is not live and let live by any means but lets off a pretense that nothing bothers him.


Quote:
Originally Posted by asma410 View Post
Hello!
Does anyone have to deal with adult bullies on a regular basis - family/workplace/friends? How did you stop them? I have tried to read some articles online but they give very 'generic' advice like tell your manager/hr or be assertive. I have tried & it hasn't worked.

I wanted to read some real-life experiences & how you dealt with them? There is not much that people can do to help you stand up to a bully, even at workplace where they get away with - "I was just joking or you are too sensitive" excuses. I should have learnt to deal with bullies in school but I let it slide thinking people grow up but apparently some of them never do.

Also, is there any good book about it that I can read to address these problems?

PLEASE SHARE your experiences.

Last edited by furrypro; 06-04-2012 at 12:48 AM..
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:41 AM
 
Location: California
313 posts, read 489,535 times
Reputation: 251
I live with an adult bully. And I have no idea how he stayed in corporate America for over 20 years. He was even promoted up to a good position, too. I guess bullying is the norm in corporate America.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tegota View Post
hmm...adult bullies. Well, the only place I ususally encounter as such, is in a corporate environment.

Normally, once the behavior is identified. I will directly address it, have a discussion.

If that fails, I will wait until no witnesses are around and break out some psycho that scares the living **** out of them.

That never fails. Within a week or two after going psycho. They're walking on eggshells. And I smile at them like nothing ever happened.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:43 AM
 
Location: California
313 posts, read 489,535 times
Reputation: 251
The adult bully I live with talks about his childhood and family life like it was the "Leave it To Beaver" Show. The contradictions are mind boggling. It's perplexing how such a deluded person made it 20 years in corporate America.

Quote:
Originally Posted by nezlie View Post
I think that usually translates to something like..... "give me one reason why i shouldnt treat you like sh1t....... after all, I was treated like that myself." Of course, they will never admit that to you, but it is usually a reflection on how they were mistreated in the past and the damage is now being passed along.
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Old 06-04-2012, 12:46 AM
 
Location: California
313 posts, read 489,535 times
Reputation: 251
I live with a bully who rains on my parade every chance he gets. He will turn a potential happy moment into a condescending lecture seminar in a split second. He is so obsessive-compulsive that anything can trigger a condescending lecture because he feels offended. Even worse is he gets on other people's cases for feeling offended: so he feels offended when other people are offended.

Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
Or develop seriously thick skin an learn some coping tools. If you can get away, it's a good option.

Sometimes its more complicated than getting way. I can't walk away from the bullies in my life, so I have to make choices every day whether today I stand up to them and deal with the drama, or just walk away (for the moment) and ignore. Either way, it requires lots of coping skills. There have been moments where I have probably felt like I was dying inside a little with each encounter. I think I have been able to handle it most of the time.

This isn't necessarily directed at you bob, so much as it is inspired by your comments. My little therapy session, I suppose.
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Old 06-06-2012, 11:18 PM
 
Location: Nebraska
4,179 posts, read 9,116,890 times
Reputation: 9523
furrypro - 4 posts in less than 10 minutes; it obviously bothers you very much... why do you live with such a person?
There are escape mechanisms.
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Old 06-08-2012, 10:06 AM
 
2,365 posts, read 2,132,920 times
Reputation: 3140
Default emotional abuse

Quote:
Originally Posted by furrypro View Post
He goes off on condescending lectures that make me feel like I am 5 years old and he makes unreasonable demands. He can literally take anything I say and pick it apart and find something wrong in anything I state or do.
Its a case of emotional abuse (also a form of bullying), very common among abusive spouses. I read about it in detail in this book 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. Quoting the book: 'He is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is abusive'. When he is in abusive phase, doesn't matter what you say or do he will pick on you. So dont blame yourself. They are trying to control your mind & training you so that they can make you fit into their image of an ideal spouse. When they see that you are getting back to your usual self & relaxed around them, the 'lectures' & 'silent treatments' start all over again. Its not you, its them. Its a good book & you should consider reading it. It will give a very good perspective about their psychology. For the victim it is abuse, but for the handler/controllers, its love & 'for your own good'. They dont believe their behavior is abusive at all. Its not easy to change that kind of attitude. It originates from cultural conditioning & an abusive parent as a role-model when growing up.

Quote:
And I have no idea how he stayed in corporate America for over 20 years. He was even promoted up to a good position, too.
A lot of times abusive behavior is reserved just for spouse and/or kids who need to behave in a certain way around the abuser. They might be very jovial around their co-workers, parents, siblings & friends because the abuser doesn't have to live with them (or 'love' them) so they dont need to be controlled or trained. When you tell others about their abusive behavior, people will find it very difficult to believe you since the abuser has never behaved badly with them & have treated you with love & respect in front of them. So they will end up thinking you are too sensitive & start patronizing you. The abuser's mood is like a switch that they can turn on or off as they wish. They are in control of their emotions & anger & very well know what they are doing.

Last edited by theluckygal; 06-08-2012 at 10:20 AM..
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Old 07-14-2012, 01:09 PM
 
Location: Midwest
2,975 posts, read 4,269,455 times
Reputation: 1941
edit

Last edited by nyanna; 07-14-2012 at 01:50 PM..
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