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Old 05-17-2012, 08:41 AM
 
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Hello!
Does anyone have to deal with adult bullies on a regular basis - family/workplace/friends? How did you stop them? I have tried to read some articles online but they give very 'generic' advice like tell your manager/hr or be assertive. I have tried & it hasn't worked.

I wanted to read some real-life experiences & how you dealt with them? There is not much that people can do to help you stand up to a bully, even at workplace where they get away with - "I was just joking or you are too sensitive" excuses. I should have learnt to deal with bullies in school but I let it slide thinking people grow up but apparently some of them never do.

Also, is there any good book about it that I can read to address these problems?

PLEASE SHARE your experiences.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:42 AM
 
Location: Lower east side of Toronto
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An adult bully can be some old investment banker lawyer type who sits quietly beating the crap out of society in general - just for fun.
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Old 05-17-2012, 04:20 PM
 
Location: FL
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Great topic. It seems most people don't realize that there are adult bullies out there, but there certainly are!

How do you deal with them? Of course it depends on the situation and they type of bullying.
If it's bullying with words and intimidation, you just make up your mind not to let them.

It may sound like I am oversimplifying, but to some extent it is a bit simple. Its pretty common for bullies just to get into people's heads and make them feel as if they are not worthy to stand up for themselves. The fact is, the bullies usually either have really low self esteem and they have to make themselves feel better by putting others down, OR they simply have inflated egos and think way too much of themselves.

Either way, you just stay composed. KNow your boundaries and stick to them.

If it's physical bullying, the only things I can suggest are either removing yourself from the situation or learning some self defense.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:38 PM
 
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Bullies are everywhere, from kindergarten to nursing homes.

Trick is not to allow yourself to be bullied and not to be a bully yourself.

How you deal w/ a bully depends on the situation.
A family bully is a complex issue.
A bully friend is not a friend so that issue is moot.
Dealing w/ a bully in the workplace depends on what that relationship is, a co-worker, a boss, a client?

As looking4answers12 says, bullying is driven by a damaged ego (inferior or superior).

It would be helpful to know who is bullying you.
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Old 05-17-2012, 08:44 PM
 
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I am currently reading "the sociopath nextdoor"...excellent book. I worked with a bully/sociopath. It can destroy your life. Read this book.
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Old 05-18-2012, 05:39 AM
Status: "It's peanut-butter-jelly time, peanut-butter-jelly time!" (set 4 days ago)
 
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Yup, adult bullies are everywhere and it seems almost like this kind of behavior gets rewarded or overlooked. I've always had trouble with some other person trying to ruin me, but rarely did it include management at my job until recently. This new manager seemed determined to get me for whatever he could. What stopped him was continually proving to him that I wasn't at fault and he's since let up. I'm not going to let my breath out yet though.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
I am currently reading "the sociopath nextdoor"...excellent book. I worked with a bully/sociopath. It can destroy your life. Read this book.
Interesting, I'll look for it.

However I don't think all bullies are sociopaths. Sociopaths tend not to feel, whereas a lot of bullies get positive feelings out of making other people feel bad. Sociopaths tend to do things because they can and have no idea of how it affects others negatively, and they wouldn't care if they did.
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Old 05-18-2012, 09:43 AM
 
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Default fight back

Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseyj View Post
It would be helpful to know who is bullying you.
Mostly family & so-called 'friends'. Eventually ended up dumping them & moving away. People dont realize how their harrassment drives loved ones away. I do come across a stray bully once in a while but I just ignore them or after 3 strikes I just snap back at them.

I agree people bully because of low self esteem or inflated egos or simply out of jealousy. When i was growing up there was not much awareness about these issues in my society but now looking back its just not acceptable.
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Old 05-18-2012, 09:46 AM
 
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Quote:
I am currently reading "the sociopath nextdoor"...excellent book.
Thanks for the recommendation. I will read it.
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Old 05-18-2012, 02:24 PM
 
4,860 posts, read 3,104,804 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by looking4answers12 View Post
Great topic. It seems most people don't realize that there are adult bullies out there, but there certainly are!

How do you deal with them? Of course it depends on the situation and they type of bullying.
If it's bullying with words and intimidation, you just make up your mind not to let them.

It may sound like I am oversimplifying, but to some extent it is a bit simple. Its pretty common for bullies just to get into people's heads and make them feel as if they are not worthy to stand up for themselves. The fact is, the bullies usually either have really low self esteem and they have to make themselves feel better by putting others down, OR they simply have inflated egos and think way too much of themselves.

Either way, you just stay composed. KNow your boundaries and stick to them.

If it's physical bullying, the only things I can suggest are either removing yourself from the situation or learning some self defense.

one of the great myths out there is that bullies have low self esteem , its a cliche , many bullies have tonnes of self esteem , the one thing all bullies have in common however is arrogance , it takes a high degree of arrogance to believe you are entitled to treat others with contempt

i was a victim of extreme bullying in the workplace nearly fourteen years ago and it had a devestating effect on my life , ive analyised what i could have done a billion times since , i fought my corner as best i could but this was a supervisor , the boss was completley impotent but then again HR is more often than not toothless , willfully so or otherwise , i believe that deep down a lot of employers and indeed people in general have a sneaking regard for bullies , they are seen as ambitious , fiercley determined go getters who allow nothing get in thier way , companys will more often than not side with the bully , circle the wagons , marginalise the person who complains and freeze them out in the hope they resign

looking back , i realise i should have resigned , it was my first instinct early into my stay and i made a huge mistake trying to match the visciousness of a mean spirited malevolent bully

who was a female btw
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Old 05-18-2012, 03:20 PM
 
900 posts, read 565,780 times
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@bob, thats so unfortunate what happened to you. I hope our society takes this more seriously. Bullies do get their way easily until someone more authoritative or stronger shows them their place. Even if you dont believe everything a bully says it does make the environment toxic, especially at home, school or workplace. The victim just avoids these areas that are a bully's territory.

There is no well defined line between 'jokes' & hurtful comments. Even if someone is not sensitive, any jokes about their looks, race, weight, physical/mental challenges should be considered bullying & should be off-limits in any group. People let it slide for the fear of being deserted by friends or not appearing 'cool' & it only makes bullies stronger. There is so much easy going humor thats not offensive to anyone in particular & i think people should stick to that. Even if i pretend i am laughing with you, it has a devastating effect on my psyche.
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