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Old 05-26-2012, 10:15 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
5,877 posts, read 4,025,384 times
Reputation: 4130

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I was bullied a lot in my youth mostly my elementary school years and early middle school years. It tapered off when I got to high school. At first I never thought it bothered me but as I get older I can see that it clearly had altered my personality.

I have a very big chip on my shoulder and I view everything as a competition. I always must be the best because if I'm not the best I fear ridicule. I also won't try things that I'm not good at because I'm afraid of being made fun of and I get performance anxiety. I also don't trust people and I usually suppress my emotions and I don't really connect with my emotions. I also feel cut off from people and have a very hard time empathizing or sympathizing with other people. I also catch myself being a semi-bully sometimes.

Not all of this is a result of my childhood bullying. I was also hazed and bullied during my term in the Marine Corps and that changed me as well. I have never really tried to "help myself" as I view that as "weak." I'm a pretty cold person and I just expect people, myself included, to "suck it up and get over it." So that's what I do. I also run, a lot, and find that therapeutic.
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Old 05-27-2012, 09:39 AM
 
419 posts, read 682,770 times
Reputation: 478
Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal4u View Post
What do I do? Counseling doesn't help. I'm extremely shy,actually painfully shy. I can't look others in the eye too long. I wasn't always like this,but it started at 12,about the same time I started getting bullied by literally everyone,from siblings,teachers,and students,my mom,and aunts and uncles too. I was considered very ugly,and I haven't gotten over it. I have crying bouts all the time,and I have no friends. I'm surprised I am able to work,but it seems to keep my mind off things.

I am actually still bullied for the same thing,and I think that's the worst part to handle for me. I have been able to forget about the bullying incidents from school for about 4 days at a time,but something triggers it,like a stranger saying something mean to me,or a rude cashier,or a coworker talking about me.
Disclaimer: This is just my personal view of this matter. I am not a psychiatrist.

Bold 1 sounds like a big problem. I obviously cannot know for certain, but it sounds like you're putting yourself down, and have a generally low opinion of your body image. By extension, your shyness sounds like it stems from fear of being bullied, or perhaps not thinking yourself up to standard compared to everyone else. I don't know, these are just guesses. Regardless, the first thing I can think to do is to disregard what you've been told. Everything everyone has or was saying to you was wrong. Tell yourself this. Repeat it. Convince yourself. Lie to yourself if you feel it slipping. Believe it. They were/are wrong.

Next, forget about trying to forget it. The past is part of you. However, the past doesn't define you. More than anything else anyone says, you are who you perceive yourself to be. Start perceiving yourself positively. Doesn't matter if your shy. Why can't you be shy? What's wrong with it? Isn't that part of who you are? As long as it isn't hurting your enjoyment of life, there is nothing wrong with it. Shyness isn't the issue, it's the result of holding onto to an image that has solidified in your mind. In this respect, maybe some Cognitive Behavioral therapy focusing on changing your current shy patterns would benefit more than trying to deal with the past. Because dealing with the past sounds like it has consumed you.

Bold 2 sounds like the root of the problem. Specifically, I'd imagine counseling would have a less dramatic impact if you're still in some way constantly exposed to the tyranny of bullying assaults you had at a younger age. So, for starters, finding some way to distance yourself from those toxic atmospheres would probably help. If that's altogether impossible because you find yourself being bullied everyone, then that might just be a perception thing. If it's actually bullying though, I don't know what to say. I'm not qualified and just spit-balling here.

Anyway, wish you the best of luck.
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Old 05-27-2012, 11:48 AM
 
155 posts, read 107,416 times
Reputation: 72
I too was bullied but am a male and it has effected a good part of my life and my world outlook. I will offer some tips. Go to the gym and get in shape. Be very selective of who you trust rather friends or job. Backstabbers are everywhere and for people like us who already have trust issues it can be twice as bad.

Finally get a bad attitude and chip on your shoulder. Anger and rage is a wonderful thing. Don't be intimidated by anyone! Of course show respect to your boss at work but telling people what you really think of them is one way I suggest to build confidence. Example:

I workout at a high end health club (I am not rich) where the women drive in BMWs, Lexus etc. Last week while walking in there were 2 women getting out of their expensive sports car behind me. When I got to the counter they stated "what you don't hold the door for a lady"? I said "not for 50 year old ones with beer guts and a face that looks like it was beat with a frying pan a couple hundred times"!

Stop being shy...tell people what you really think of them and don't take any sh#t. People are a##holes and that is just the truth.
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:00 PM
 
3,632 posts, read 14,401,296 times
Reputation: 1277
Quote:
Originally Posted by Macaw1981 View Post
I too was bullied but am a male and it has effected a good part of my life and my world outlook. I will offer some tips. Go to the gym and get in shape. Be very selective of who you trust rather friends or job. Backstabbers are everywhere and for people like us who already have trust issues it can be twice as bad.

Finally get a bad attitude and chip on your shoulder. Anger and rage is a wonderful thing. Don't be intimidated by anyone! Of course show respect to your boss at work but telling people what you really think of them is one way I suggest to build confidence. Example:

I workout at a high end health club (I am not rich) where the women drive in BMWs, Lexus etc. Last week while walking in there were 2 women getting out of their expensive sports car behind me. When I got to the counter they stated "what you don't hold the door for a lady"? I said "not for 50 year old ones with beer guts and a face that looks like it was beat with a frying pan a couple hundred times"!

Stop being shy...tell people what you really think of them and don't take any sh#t. People are a##holes and that is just the truth.
This is the WORST piece of advice I have ever heard!! That last sentence you wrote... um, you're talking about yourself.
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:28 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,576,099 times
Reputation: 1297
Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal4u View Post
What do I do? Counseling doesn't help. I'm extremely shy,actually painfully shy. I can't look others in the eye too long. I wasn't always like this,but it started at 12,about the same time I started getting bullied by literally everyone,from siblings,teachers,and students,my mom,and aunts and uncles too. I was considered very ugly,and I haven't gotten over it. I have crying bouts all the time,and I have no friends. I'm surprised I am able to work,but it seems to keep my mind off things.

I am actually still bullied for the same thing,and I think that's the worst part to handle for me. I have been able to forget about the bullying incidents from school for about 4 days at a time,but something triggers it,like a stranger saying something mean to me,or a rude cashier,or a coworker talking about me.
In addition to CBT, I think you'd benefit from some assertiveness training.
It's unfortunate that some people feel the need to continue to bully others but you have to learn to stand up for yourself.
Yes, it might be uncomfortable. Yes, you might be scared as hell, but you have to do it, set up boundaries and demand that you be treated in a better way.
You'd find that most bullies would fall back when they see you have a back bone and that would encourage you and heal you.
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:35 PM
 
826 posts, read 1,576,099 times
Reputation: 1297
Quote:
Originally Posted by Macaw1981 View Post
I too was bullied but am a male and it has effected a good part of my life and my world outlook. I will offer some tips. Go to the gym and get in shape. Be very selective of who you trust rather friends or job. Backstabbers are everywhere and for people like us who already have trust issues it can be twice as bad.

Finally get a bad attitude and chip on your shoulder. Anger and rage is a wonderful thing. Don't be intimidated by anyone! Of course show respect to your boss at work but telling people what you really think of them is one way I suggest to build confidence. Example:

I workout at a high end health club (I am not rich) where the women drive in BMWs, Lexus etc. Last week while walking in there were 2 women getting out of their expensive sports car behind me. When I got to the counter they stated "what you don't hold the door for a lady"? I said "not for 50 year old ones with beer guts and a face that looks like it was beat with a frying pan a couple hundred times"!

Stop being shy...tell people what you really think of them and don't take any sh#t. People are a##holes and that is just the truth.
I think you were trying to be helpful, but saying that one needs to get a bad attitude or chip on one's shoulder is counterproductive for the OP. She mentioned she has no friends, how is having a bad attitude going to make her friends?
Also, what you told those women at your gym was beyond disrespectful and just not necessary. Gentlemen hold doors. Shoo, I hold doors myself irrespective of gender. You also seem to have a problem with the fact that the women were richer than you. You need to deal with that issue and stop inflicting your anger on innocent women who happen to have expensive cars.
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:45 PM
 
Location: Area 51.5
13,904 posts, read 11,011,093 times
Reputation: 9036
Everybody was bullied about something at some point in their life.

You have given your life to those you perceive are bulllying you. In doing so, you have become paranoid.

I don't know how to tell you to fix yourself, but that's where you're going to have to start. Other people will not change so you have to change your view of them. They probably aren't bullying you at all but since you have such low self esteem, you think they are. Nobody can change that but you.
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:35 PM
 
155 posts, read 107,416 times
Reputation: 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by sablebaby View Post
This is the WORST piece of advice I have ever heard!! That last sentence you wrote... um, you're talking about yourself.
Are you kidding? It is a dog eat dog world out there and that is just the reality of it. If you choose to be the punching bag and not defend yourself, you have no one to blame for being picked on. I know where this OP has been cause I was there. You are in Phoenix? Ha! Are you a woman with a beer gut that goes to the gym?
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:39 PM
 
155 posts, read 107,416 times
Reputation: 72
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peacelilies View Post
I think you were trying to be helpful, but saying that one needs to get a bad attitude or chip on one's shoulder is counterproductive for the OP. She mentioned she has no friends, how is having a bad attitude going to make her friends?
Also, what you told those women at your gym was beyond disrespectful and just not necessary. Gentlemen hold doors. Shoo, I hold doors myself irrespective of gender. You also seem to have a problem with the fact that the women were richer than you. You need to deal with that issue and stop inflicting your anger on innocent women who happen to have expensive cars.
The women at this gym are rude. That was the point I was making. The proper word for them are snobs. I have no problem with people who have more expensive cars...could care less. Show me where it says I have to hold doors for women? Where? There is no law that says I have to be polite.
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Old 05-27-2012, 07:42 PM
 
Location: California
29,609 posts, read 31,937,404 times
Reputation: 24748
Quote:
Originally Posted by Macaw1981 View Post
The women at this gym are rude. That was the point I was making. The proper word for them are snobs. I have no problem with people who have more expensive cars...could care less. Show me where it says I have to hold doors for women? Where? There is no law that says I have to be polite.
There is no law that says you have to be polite but if you choose not to be you won't be doing yourself any favors. You may even run into someone less polite than you...

Not that I believe your story for a minute.

OP, you need more SERIOUS counceling. You have a huge problem with life and bullies are the least of your concerns.
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