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Old 05-22-2012, 10:15 PM
 
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What are key ingredients of a passive-aggressive person? I tend to be more confrontational and like to get things out in the open. I found that I have gotten along better with other direct types. My Dad was this way. We'd have a big fight and then it would be over.

To me, a passive-aggressive person acts negatively by NOT acting, deflecting, or avoiding reality. Is this it? Is there more? If you are direct, what is the best way to deal with them?
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:11 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
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  • Its a style of communication and behaviors.
  • PTypes - Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder Criteria
  • passively resists fulfilling routine social and occupational tasks;
  • complains of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others;
  • is sullen and argumentative;
  • unreasonably criticizes and scorns authority;
  • expresses envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate;
  • voices exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune;
  • alternates between hostile defiance and contrition.
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Old 05-22-2012, 11:40 PM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,440,508 times
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My Mother is passive aggressive...examples;
I planned my wedding, she did not like my fiance, I ask her specifically, what is a good day for her, she gives me a date...I plan the wedding, for that date, she does not come, stating she did not feel well. I completely tried to accomodate her...we got married in her town, so she would not have to travel...and she still blew it off.

If you went in the kitchen, and fixed yourself a snack, she would guilt trip you, asking why you had not asked her if she wanted a snack...so, you make her the same sandwich..and she does not eat it, saying it is too late for her to eat, and she does not like a sandwich on bread not toasted, and she throws it away...after making a huge deal over the fact you did not offer to make her one previously. And...if you ever did do anything like bring her something, she would ignore it.

She would bring up things like, "How many men did you sleep with?" During a family dinner, and if you call her on being rude, she says it is not her fault that you are a Ho...

I could go on and on...
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Old 05-23-2012, 06:29 AM
 
921 posts, read 1,697,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by robertpolyglot View Post
What are key ingredients of a passive-aggressive person? I tend to be more confrontational and like to get things out in the open. I found that I have gotten along better with other direct types. My Dad was this way. We'd have a big fight and then it would be over.

To me, a passive-aggressive person acts negatively by NOT acting, deflecting, or avoiding reality. Is this it? Is there more? If you are direct, what is the best way to deal with them?
Passivity, deflection, avoidance and denial aren't really passive aggression per se, though. Passive aggression is aggression or obstruction couched in indirect or passive terms. You don't want to do something at work that your boss gave you to do. So you deliberately do a really crappy job at it as a way to punish your boss for giving it to you. Or you "forget" to do it at all. Whatever the reason you didn't get it done, it's "not your fault"; it's always someone/something else's fault.
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Old 05-23-2012, 06:32 AM
 
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Passive-aggressives play havoc on your mind. You'll get more than sense that something's wrong. They will tell you everything's fine and act mad or sullen. This may not fit other people but my mom occassionally snaps and loses it and lets everything out in a horrible way. Then she'll go back to the way it was and either deny she ever did anything, blame it all on me or discount it as not a big deal, nothing's wrong.
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Old 05-23-2012, 06:44 AM
 
Location: The western periphery of Terra Australis
24,683 posts, read 43,116,816 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jasper12 View Post
My Mother is passive aggressive...examples;
I planned my wedding, she did not like my fiance, I ask her specifically, what is a good day for her, she gives me a date...I plan the wedding, for that date, she does not come, stating she did not feel well. I completely tried to accomodate her...we got married in her town, so she would not have to travel...and she still blew it off.

If you went in the kitchen, and fixed yourself a snack, she would guilt trip you, asking why you had not asked her if she wanted a snack...so, you make her the same sandwich..and she does not eat it, saying it is too late for her to eat, and she does not like a sandwich on bread not toasted, and she throws it away...after making a huge deal over the fact you did not offer to make her one previously. And...if you ever did do anything like bring her something, she would ignore it.

She would bring up things like, "How many men did you sleep with?" During a family dinner, and if you call her on being rude, she says it is not her fault that you are a Ho...

I could go on and on...
She just sounds like a bully. Totally unacceptable. Why do you pander to her and what reason could she have for being so malicious towards you?
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Old 05-23-2012, 08:37 AM
 
9,018 posts, read 7,946,526 times
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Great topic--I hope there's some excellent info here, as I've just recently realized I'm related to a few passive/aggressive types & it has been overwhelming at times.
Now that I know what I'm dealing with, (light bulb moment, about 6 months ago).... I keep my distance. Sites like these helped me recognize the symptoms.
It's an ongoing battle, dealing w/ people who play these mindgames continuously

Passive-Aggressive Silent Treatment | eHow.com

What Are Examples Of Passive-aggressive Behavior? | LIVESTRONG.COM
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Old 05-23-2012, 09:46 AM
 
18,856 posts, read 30,440,508 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trimac20 View Post
She just sounds like a bully. Totally unacceptable. Why do you pander to her and what reason could she have for being so malicious towards you?
You can't pick your family. Why is she like that? I don't know. She blames me, for her life being a train wreck. She has never been very successful at work, or in her relationships. She holds grudges forever. Everything is always someone elses fault. She frequently bangs things around, and gets mad that others don't know what is bothering her...like people are supposed to be mind readers?
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Old 05-23-2012, 01:26 PM
 
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The biggest headache of passive aggressive people for me is that they actually BELIEVE that they are "direct", "real", and/or "honest" according to them "unlike the rest of us". No the truth is they usually lack tact. Passive aggressiveness is tactless in and of itself if you think of it. Yes there is a way, time , and place to say everything. No I do not mean sugarcoating or being politically correct either. The key is having tact. Passive aggressive individuals tend to show signs of outward frustration and/or "disapproval" eventually leading to their anger, until out of nowhere they just come out and say what is bothering he or she since you did not get their "hints." THEN they are direct but unfortunately it is normally direct, short in length, rude, end of discussion type of communication. They will "hear" you but not LISTEN bc they have become so frustrated at this point. I have experienced several people like this, as I tend to attract them due to my opposite nature, kinda meek, voice doesn't have to be heard all of the time type of person. I have been ACTIVELY making sure to avoid these persons. We all have faults but this personality type can do some serious damage to a person, especially if you care for them. JMO

Last edited by FromTN2A2; 05-23-2012 at 01:41 PM..
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Old 05-23-2012, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Tucson/Nogales
16,461 posts, read 19,996,430 times
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I read this long ago and it makes sense: passive aggressive people, subconsciously, can bring out the anger and violence in others. But, sometimes, I wonder if it's not really conscious.

Also remember that if were in a relationship with a passive aggressive person for a number of years, hated every minute of it, don't be surprised if your partner's behavior shows up in you in your next relationship.

My last partner of 10 years was passive aggressive, and now I've adopted that kind of behavior, and , for someone who used to use the screaming/yelling direct approach, I'm loving every minute of it! Why did it take so long to adopt that kind of behavior!!! Silence can be louder than a scream!

IMO, mysterious/inexplicable silences can be a hallmark of a passive-aggressive personality.
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