Things said in anger true (boyfriend, woman, mom, girlfriend)

[Mystical766]

I read a post on here that had to do with this exact question. Are the things said in anger a persons true feelings?

I am going to give some background as I know it all depends on the situation. IMO I believe that comments wouldn't be said if they were not on that persons mind. Especially when it comes up in a fight that totally does not relate.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. We have a house, and last year were talking about marriage. I have a nine year old son from a previous relationship. Now a few years ago we split for about a year due to the fact that he couldn't accept my son. Never wanted to be around him. Got annoyed rather fast. And kept saying he didn't want my son. Wasn't his blood... And that things will only get worse in the future. I guess with my son accepting him as a father figure, or because the real dad is still in his life. It will cause issues. And my son may someday says that he hates my boyfriend.

So after a while he came back saying he misses us and wants a family. We grew stronger, talked about marriage, even came close to asking on a vacation... But even though he got me a ring.. He never ended up asking?

So fast forward to the last six months let's say... Our friends are getting engaged and or married. So I make random comments like.. We should do this at our wedding... Or have this color... And I noticed he was starting to look irritated? It wasn't a constant thing that I would say things... Then one day he says... Look I'll ask you when I'm ready, stop pressuring me, I need to be 100 percent sure.

That really threw me off because I assumed we were on the same page. Since then that conversation died.

I asked him what was holding him back... He said my son. That he doesn't have the same bond as I do. That he doesn't feel joy in spending time with him. Doesn't see himself in my son. Is afraid of the future. Afraid my son doesn't like him or will say that he hates him one day.

During two fights recently one about something so tiny not even related to my son.... He blurted out that he isn't my family... That he isn't happy.. That he doesn't want my son... And in the future if things get bad he doesn't know I'd he would stay... Said he is wasting his life. Jealous.. Upset that he is 30 and doesn't have a family.. He said that if it were not for my son he would marry me...

These are a few things said during those two fights. Both in the last month. Both he took back saying he didn't mean it. Loves me. Wants to Marry me and grow our family. But he needs my help to get over his fear... To bond with my son.

I am at a lose. Should I let him go?

[Upstate Nancy]

I think when you're angry you aren't thinking clearly and say things you don't mean. Part of human nature, but some people seem to have a talent for it. Anger produces clouded judgement and things spoken really are exaggerations or just something said to wrile up the other person, IMO.

[redvelvet709]

I do not believe everything said in anger is true. Sometimes we say things in anger just because we know they will have an effect on the other person. We can still be angry and calculated.

[dalebx28]

let him go ----- how can he say he love u if he doesnot like a part of u.......your son ....... get rid of him before he hurts your kid.... i don't know why u would put up with that

[redvelvet709]

Originally Posted by Mystical766

I read a post on here that had to do with this exact question. Are the things said in anger a persons true feelings?

I am going to give some background as I know it all depends on the situation. IMO I believe that comments wouldn't be said if they were not on that persons mind. Especially when it comes up in a fight that totally does not relate.

I have been with my boyfriend for five years. We have a house, and last year were talking about marriage. I have a nine year old son from a previous relationship. Now a few years ago we split for about a year due to the fact that he couldn't accept my son. Never wanted to be around him. Got annoyed rather fast. And kept saying he didn't want my son. Wasn't his blood... And that things will only get worse in the future. I guess with my son accepting him as a father figure, or because the real dad is still in his life. It will cause issues. And my son may someday says that he hates my boyfriend.

So after a while he came back saying he misses us and wants a family. We grew stronger, talked about marriage, even came close to asking on a vacation... But even though he got me a ring.. He never ended up asking?

So fast forward to the last six months let's say... Our friends are getting engaged and or married. So I make random comments like.. We should do this at our wedding... Or have this color... And I noticed he was starting to look irritated? It wasn't a constant thing that I would say things... Then one day he says... Look I'll ask you when I'm ready, stop pressuring me, I need to be 100 percent sure.

That really threw me off because I assumed we were on the same page. Since then that conversation died.

I asked him what was holding him back... He said my son. That he doesn't have the same bond as I do. That he doesn't feel joy in spending time with him. Doesn't see himself in my son. Is afraid of the future. Afraid my son doesn't like him or will say that he hates him one day.

During two fights recently one about something so tiny not even related to my son.... He blurted out that he isn't my family... That he isn't happy.. That he doesn't want my son... And in the future if things get bad he doesn't know I'd he would stay... Said he is wasting his life. Jealous.. Upset that he is 30 and doesn't have a family.. He said that if it were not for my son he would marry me...

These are a few things said during those two fights. Both in the last month. Both he took back saying he didn't mean it. Loves me. Wants to Marry me and grow our family. But he needs my help to get over his fear... To bond with my son.

I am at a lose. Should I let him go?

Someone doesn't "want your son" and you would even consider staying with him??

[purehuman]

What kind of "fear" needs to be overcome to love the son of the woman he professes to love?...I see that as a cop-out, and an unreasonable excuse for him to behave poorly towards you, AND your son...I think he wants JUST you...that's all....he's refusing to accept your son and it doesn't sound like he has any desire to change.....and like redvelvet709 has asked "why would you even consider staying with him?"...were I you, my son would ALWAYS take precedence over any man...especially one that refused to accept that I were not childless....you and your son are a package deal....if he won't/can't deal with that fact(and he's made that very clear to you)...you really truly are better off without him....

[Billy_J]

Well on the positive side, he is being honest with you. He is communicating his feelings. That is a good thing to have in a relationship. If you continue to have a relationship with him, then he would likely tell you if he was not happy with something. (Then you can work on resolving the problem.) Much better than a person who says nothing!

So far as your son, kids will say "I hate you!" to biological parents just as well as to step fathers!

How about forgetting about getting married and just living together? Leave it at that. Tell him that. If he ever wants to get married, then it will be up to him to ask.

Back to the son, if living together is an option, maybe the boyfriend could learn to be more comfortable with your son if he took some parenting classes. Or maybe if he went to counseling - and a bit of participation with you and your son at times?

Maybe he does not know a thing about kids and how to handle them? That could be scary! But once you learn how to deal with kids, it is MUCH easier. Maybe a book as well if he likes to read.

And being realistic, kids can be real MONSTERS as they get into their teenage years. Towards biological parents and otherwise. And they can be manipulative. Something which you can learn to handle.

The thing which works best with kids is if BOTH parents have the same exact rules. And enforce those rules the same way. It would be both you and your boyfriend as a coordinated team vs the kid! This works like magic.

And it would be VERY helpful if the boy's natural father went along with the same rules and enforcement. Sometimes that is not possible though.

What is a DISASTER is if the mom has one set of rules, dad something different, and someone else like a grandparent or separated parent has yet other rules or no rules.

[Trimac20]

It sounds like he's being quite honest with you about your son, which is a good sign. Better you know this now then he puts on a front, pretends to have all these warm, fuzzy feelings while quietly nursing some sort of resentment or even jealousy. I don't think any child should be pressured into accepting anyone as a 'parent figure'...honestly, unless he actually does have a change of heart towards your son, and doesn't just pretend to, I wouldn't be thinking about marriage. Even then, you can't force him into playing the father role. I mean it's possible to come to some kind of arrangement where he isn't as involved in your son's life, but at least he seems to realise that you come as a 'package' as a family, and it's the only way things will really work out.

By the way things said in any other state of mind may not 'mean anything' either, and anger is as 'real' as any other emotion. So I wouldn't downplayed anything that is 'said in anger.' Obviously, though, we tend to exaggerate in the heat of the moment or use hyperbole, but whatever is said definitely does indicate very real feelings. Hope this helps.

[imcurious]

I believe most things said in anger are true, just not politically correct - that's why they are "taken back" later. Can you cut your losses and find someone who will love you and your son? If not, you might have many regrets later on.

[Raena77]

Get rid of this man. I'm a single mother and would be livid if my boyfriend said this. What's wrong here is you need to think of him first. He gave you a glimpse of the future of him.

A. He doesn't care about your feelings.
B. Self absorbed in his own inner worries and disappointment in himself.
C. Blames you for circumstances you can't help now.
D. Doesn't respect you as a mother, girlfriend, just being girly with dreaming of weddings
E. Seriously he has to be 100 percent ready!? What about you!