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I've noticed that some people put whatever emotion/feeling/thought they're having on me. For example, my friend will ask, "Are you mad at me?" when actually SHE'S upset about something I've done. Or a person who's defensive constantly explaining all his actions to me when I don't need to know. Has anyone encountered this? Is it exhausting constantly reassuring someone that you're fine and he/she's the one with the issue?
That's Psych 101.
You can ask any therapist, and they will tell you that when they listen to a person whose main complaint about everyone else is, for example, their lack of generosity, you can bet that the complainer is not generous themselves, even though they will see themselves as very generous.
It gets more complicated than that, but it's pretty much the basic idea.
You'll find other variations of this. Another common example is the cheating husband who constantly accuses his wife of being unfaithful. It's what HE is doing.
As far as anger goes, the "are you mad at me" person is likely angry but may have been taught that anger isn't a nice or acceptable emotion, so they deny it. I have a friend who I'd say has anger as her ruling emotion, and I know that she doesn't see herself that way at all. But often in conversations with others, she'll say thing like "Wow, you sound angry! Why are you so angry about XYZ? You should do some self-examination and find out why XYZ is REALLY bugging you." But she herself doesn't do this, yet she takes offense at the least little thing and feel justified in doing it.
I like this person for her brains and artistic abilities and sense of humor, but when she gets into one of her angry modes, I just back off and ignore her for a while.
So when people start a thread asking a question like, "Why are people so rude?" or "I encounter a lot of passive-aggressive people, why?", all of these individuals need to look inward? Interesting.
So when people start a thread asking a question like, "Why are people so rude?" or "I encounter a lot of passive-aggressive people, why?", all of these individuals need to look inward? Interesting.
It can be an energy archetype you are carrying, without being aware of it . . .I started a thread on passive-aggressive people . . . there are some issues I have just become aware of to look at. It is all very complicated, abstract, and fascinating. And since you are dealing with unconscious stuff, most often need a therapist or someone to assist in seeing what you have not been seeing.
Yeah, I do try to reflect and examine my own behavior, because I know I'm not perfect, far, far from perfect. It's just that it gets to be so frustrating when my friend keeps on & on about something negative & that "You're upset about this or that" when I'm really not.
She does this w/ others, too. So part of it's her, part of the problem is me
So when people start a thread asking a question like, "Why are people so rude?" or "I encounter a lot of passive-aggressive people, why?", all of these individuals need to look inward? Interesting.
Well, not exactly. LOL. Sometimes people just ARE rude or passive-aggressive. But shouldn't we ALWAYS look inward and make self-examination an ongoing part of our lives?
If you are constantly encountering people who are the same problem to you, then hell yes, you'd BETTER be asking yourself why that is! It may very well be that you have some of those same traits. It might also be that you have had those issues with someone close to you (the classic case of the mother or father, of course) and so you unconsciously seek out those types of people in the first place.
Think of the sterotype of the woman whose greatest childhood issue was her alcoholic father...and so she goes out and marries--surprise--an alcoholic. It's what she knows. And "this time" she's going to resolve it, but of course that never actually happens.
It's not a problem if someone is rude or passive-aggressive or whatever and giving you a problem. It's when you seem to meet these same types of people over and over and over again--either you're looking in a mirror, or you are seeking these people out for some reason.
It can be an energy archetype you are carrying, without being aware of it . . .I started a thread on passive-aggressive people . . . there are some issues I have just become aware of to look at. It is all very complicated, abstract, and fascinating. And since you are dealing with unconscious stuff, most often need a therapist or someone to assist in seeing what you have not been seeing.
Ha, exactly. I started seeing a therapist when I separated from my husband. Then I was trying to get my ex to pay up his child support, and had a conversation with him about how I needed school clothes and supplies for our daughter--I was broke because he stuck me with all the bills and IRS debt and everything so I'm thinking the LEAST he could do is toss me some money FOR OUR KID, not even asking about what he owes me outside of my daughter's expenses, and he's making excuses and then jumping in the car and driving away.
So I'm complaining to the therapist that I am TRYING to have a civil, logical conversation with my ex about our child--you know, what all the books and magazines tell you to do--and it's not working!
And my therapist says, "Was your husband ever logical or responsible about money before? No. Why then do you keep on expecting him to be that way now?"
And the lightbulb went on. Of course he continued to ditch paying me the child support, but once I started expecting him to be exactly who he always had been, it was much less frustrating.
Makes sense. I already KNOW how my friend will react to the great news I share, so why in the world am I so shocked when she rains on my parade? Shame on me! Lol
Makes sense. I already KNOW how my friend will react to the great news I share, so why in the world am I so shocked when she rains on my parade? Shame on me! Lol
I have a similar situation with a friend and coworker. I took up writing after I got my divorce--it was always something I'd liked to do, but I took classes and workshops and submitted things for publication (and did get a couple of things published.) This friend was the sort of person whom I thought I could share some of my writing with, but the first time I did--sending her a piece that had been well-received in my critique workshop--she responded with, "Why are you writing about stuff like this? Why don't you write about XYZ?" I took that as a serious suggestion, even though i was disappointed that she'd just kind of blown off the essay I'd sent her and didn't mention it at all. Not long after that I mentioned that I was working on another writing project, and she launched into a story about "REAL New York writers" she once knew and what they wrote about.
Anyway, eventually I got the one article published that I've ever had that actually paid me a lot of money, and I was pretty proud of it. She asked for a copy of the magazine and I gave it to her. She then proceeded to sort of rip me apart for writing what I did. This isn't critique--with critique, someone can write about fairies falling from the sky, and even though you don't personally like to read about fairies falling from the sky, you disregard the subject matter and concentrate on the writing itself. The published piece was a personal experience of mine, something that had affected my life, and she was telling me I shouldn't be writing about it.
It finally dawned on me that no matter WHAT I'd written, she was going to be nasty about it. I don't know why--she is a good writer herself. But then I started to notice that it wasn't just me or my writing--whenever someone else did well--got a promotion, was assigned a plum project--she had something negative to say about that person. There's something about her that when someone else does something well or succeeds at something, it sets off a "tear down" thing in her.
It's funny because right now she lives in another country because of her husbands work, and she writes occasionally for an environmental publication in that part of the world. She has urged me to write for the same publication--they don't pay much, but they are always looking for contributors--and I'm thinking "not on your life am I putting anything out for YOU to look at and tear apart."
You are hilarious!! That is so true, though. I'm an aspiring author, and my friend keeps coming up with negative scenarios like, "What if your book doesn't sell? It is about race, a sensitive subject." Or "How are you going to pay the bills if you get sick with no insurance?" when I was thinking of changing to a self-employed status.
1. It being about race is exactly why it will sell. 2. You either buy individual insurance, you join your state Obamacare insurance pool.
Your friend is a very insecure person, or someone who would never risk being self-employed. Look for more supportive friends.
1. It being about race is exactly why it will sell. 2. You either buy individual insurance, you join your state Obamacare insurance pool.
Your friend is a very insecure person, or someone who would never risk being self-employed. Look for more supportive friends.
How sweet, thank you for that!!!
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