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I should mention that I am not referring to extremes (like if someone was in serious trouble and needed me to call 911 for example). I am referring to people who ask for help for something that they should really be providing for themselves. "Your failure to plan is not my emergency" comes to mind.
Yes, I agree. Real emergencies? I'm there and helping. But "emergencies" that a person created because they failed to do what they were supposed to do? Nope. Examples with people in my life:
--Person did not pay his car insurance on time by mail. Realizes that as of this day he is not insured. Wants ME to drive to the insurance office and drop off his payment in-person so they can post it immediately. He works farther away and I work close by, so it's somehow my responsibility to fix this problem that he created.
--Member of mgmt team does not complete a detailed report in time for a deadline set by government officials. Wants us, his peers, to "help" by dropping everything we have to do for a whole day to pitch in and help him, and if we don't help, we are somehow selfish and we don't care about the good of the company.
If I drop the ball and create some type of personal "emergency" I am certainly not asking anyone to help me get out of the mess I've created! To me, the best example is running out of gas. I've never done it, as it's 100% preventable. But if I was ever careless enough to run out of gas, I would call AAA and not expect family or friends to rescue me. That's why I pay for AAA, so I'll never have to bother loved ones.
I just wish all my loved ones felt the same way! How many times have you gotten a call from a loved one, who has AAA, asking to be picked up because their car broke down, and they just don't want to wait "a long time" for AAA? Awww, you have to wait an hour? Poor you! Buy a soda and read a damned book and wait. You'll survive quite nicely, and perhaps be better off for it!
Absolutely! I feel so much better about myself when I can solve a problem and do something on my own without asking for help! I almost feel sorry for the people who never experience that, because they always feel like they have to request help, for whatever reason.
Then again, I also think there are people who were raised with the idea that giving and receiving help equals giving and receiving love.
My family was not demonstrative/ huggy-kissy and never said "I love you," by may parents showed they loved me, by being proud of my accomplishments, etc.
My boyfriend's family seems to show their love by asking for and giving help and advice to each other. It really throws me off, even after all these years. If we need an electrician, he's like "We have to ask my parents who they use" or if we are buying a computer, he's like "we have to ask my brother (the computer expert)." Me? No, I'll look up a electrician on Angie's List, or pick a computer by reading Consumer Reports. Boyfriend actually thinks that if he doesn't ask his parents or brother for this advice, they'd be insulted and hurt. Once he actually said, even though we're getting the computer you found in Consumer Reports, I have to ask my brother anyway, or he'll be upset that I didn't ask." I'm like "What, what, what?"
So to his family, asking for help equals "I love you" and giving help equals "I love you too." If you do something on your own, and they learn about it, they feel rejected and that you don't love them. anyway, that's how I've figured them out; and it took over 10 years!
But boyfriend certainly shows this tendency in our relationship. When my last car suddenly died on the turnpike when I was driving to a meeting for work, I called AAA, got a ride and tow, got to a car rental place, and got home all on my own, and then told him what happened. He seemed hurt that I hadn't called him to help! He had been at work--I wasn't going to bother him during the work day.
Even silly things like putting sheets on the bed. He can't or won't do it alone, but "needs" my help. I get annoyed, but try to remember that this is him saying "I love you" in his way, and sometimes I help.
@tracy..I like to make my own mistakes and would rather have something end up in failure than ask the in laws who they would recommend. That might be a character flaw on my part. My late MIL was desperate to be "needed" in this way. I wanted to have the joy of raising kids and making a home as my own, but she always thought she should be a part of the decision making, even when it came to picking out kids names. She was like that with her other kids as well. It was weird how her desire to feel needed usurped when she should have been letting her kids make their own decisions.
My spouse's family was a bit like your boyfriends. What frustrated me once we had a family is that sometimes his parents expected my husband to help with things they could have been paying a professional for. Nothing wrong with helping from time to time....but when it takes up an entire weekend..it gets old.
-If I see a person struggling to carry stuff while trying to open a door, I'll run over and hold the door for them. If they have the gall to ASK me to hold the door, I either pretend I didn't hear them, or I do it, but very resentfully.
Really? I can't imagine resenting having to hold the door for someone! My goodness, that only takes SECONDS and costs absolutely nothing. *shrugs*
Do any other people have a VERY hard time reaching out for help when they need it? one time my car was broken and in the shop and I didn't have any food and needed to grocery shop. i ate tuna fish for 3 days straight because I could not ask anyone to take me to the store. sigh. i would talk to a family member on the phone and not even mention I had no decent food that week. I used a week vacation days b/c I didn't want to ask someone for a ride each morning that lived nearby....anyways, you get what I mean. who knows what causes it? I don't. Personally, I been like that my whole life and will probably never change. some people born this way or what? are you like that or you ask for help with every little thing in life with no shame or embarrassment? ty
I don't ask for help because it makes me feel like a failure and I'm always afraid the other person will do it out of "obligation" not because they want to because, seriously, who wants to help a loser?
I agree wtih you that when i was younger it was viewed as a bad thing to always ask for help and not do thing on your own which is why i try and do that now as much as possible.
honestly i have thought i was having a heart attack one time and i didn't even call the 911 because i was too embarrassed to call for help. well good thing i guess i didn't have a heart attack then, lol.
so true when you go to the hospital or if your car get stuck most peoples have a friend to take them or help them that's the only thing. i just use Triple A
I dread a day I might have to do that. I have sat here and actually thought about.
"Man, don't have a stroke...the ambulance will come and everyone will see...." or I think about if I fell down the stairs..and if I managed to make it to my phone...same thing.
That kind of help, I don't know why, would downright embarrass me. All the neighbors will see! I'm actually not sure which is worse...dealing with the embarrassment or just letting myself slide away from this mortal coil.
I ran into a few people throughout my life who helped me and then threw it in my face, asking for things that were impossible or bragging to others how they helped me out. So when I had to refuse helping them or told them I couldn't do what they asked, I got told "after all I did for you..." or they thought they could push me around after helping me and when I pointed it out they'd get all mad and defensive. Some only help others to get something for themselves and those are the ones that made me stop asking for anything off anyone. I'd do without food or shelter rather than ask anyone.
I have things that need to be fixed right now but I refuse to owe anyone anything.
Now if it came to my cats needing something, I'd risk it but not for myself.
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