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Im new to this whole forum thing but I am reaching out because I need help. I am a 20 year old woman and have a lot of trust issues, most developing in the last year.
A little background story... My family means absolutely everything to me, I value it more than many people I know. when i was younger, a kid, i thought i had the most picture perfect family. we did everything a "typical" family would do.. soccer saturday.. dad was the coach, mom cheered on the sideline. monday movie.. we would all agree on a movie and watch it together. we went on yearly vacations together. everything just seemed perfect. when i became 13 or 14 i started becoming very depressed. i was very sad, and almost found comfort in being sad. my family became distant. we stopped doing things together. my older sister rebelled and left our home to live with her real dad. mom and dad would constantly fight, i never understood why. between my older sister and my parents, i couldnt take the fighting. i remember just sitting with my younger brother, only eight at the time, just crying. when i was 16 i found out my mom was having an affair, and had been for quite some time. she used my dads house, my dads money, and her kids to keep the affair going. our whole family was in a whirlwind for about five years. we didnt know what was going on, but she did. i remember talking to her affair partner on the phone, because i thought he was one of her friends, but she used to tell me not to tell dad. that information didnt process in my head the way it would now. she used to take me and my friend down south for a little road trip, drop us off at a movie or something. we never thought anything of it. but she was cheating during that time. she always told my dad she was buying cigarettes in another state because they were cheaper and she liked day trips. it seemed normal. now you should know, my dad has always been my rock. no matter what curveballs have been thrown at our family he has remained a very humble, honest, loving man. he was there for all of us when none of us knew what was going on, including him. when the affair hit the fan, hell broke loose, until they finally filed for a divorce. as i grew older, as i am now, im realizing the damage it has caused. the way my mom was willing to sacrifice our entires familys wellbeing and happiness for this man who abused her. threw her kids and her husband under the bus time and time again. i always swore id be nothing like her.
now, here i am 20 years old. I have a good relationship with my mom and my dad. my mom got help and is nearly ready to remarry and happy as ever. my dad is remarried and is happy as ever. im glad to see them this way. but i still feel damaged. i have huge trust issues and they have only gotten worse and i dont know the steps to resolving them. i am constantly trying to force everything in my life to be a certain way to avoid any blindsided betrayal and hurt. i have been with my boyfriend for over a year and a half now. and i dont trust him. and it hurts him deeply. he has never given me a reason not to trust him, but my emotions get the best of me and i dont stop with the questions. i need to know everything, and half the time i dont believe what he is telling me. i dont know why. i try forcing him to admit to things hes not guilty of, and then im even more upset because he wont "come clean." i mean, the things i think are absolutely ridiculous. i dont want to ruin our relationship, but im scared thats where its heading if i dont relax. i know it is selfish of me, but seriously, the emotions are so overwhelming. if it isnt too bad, i can give myself time to mellow out and think logically later. but most of the time, in the moment, im just crazy until something happens. that something has to meet my expectations.. which i set entirely too high for him, and a lot of others in my life. i constantly feel like im "settling"... and then i try to remind myself that nobody is perfect, and when i am rational, i feel like i know the truth and i know i am loved by those in my life. but when one tiny little thing happens, i go off the deep end. i feel like it is very damaging to the people in my life, especially my boyfriend who gets the short end of the stick pretty much always. and everyone around me knows how good he is to me and can see the love he shows me, but i dont see it, because im constantly thinking of how, where, and why he is doing something behind my back. i put all these little instances together and come up with a conclusion that isnt accurate. i want to face these issues, resolve these issues, and move forward with my life. my dad always says i have to face my issues, not pretend they dont exist. but the problem is, i just dont know where to start. im starting here. reaching out to someone who may know more than i do. i feel so unhappy. i feel like i cant see the positives in life. i know they exist, i know what life can be, i just dont know how to get there after being so low for so long. i could go on, but ill leave it at this for now.
Are you a college student? If so, go to the counseling center and get free counseling for your family issues. Everything goes back to that, as you seem to understand. If you're not a college student, find counseling you can afford, or get an extra part-time job if you have to (or maybe your dad can help), and get counseling. You can't resolve these issues without professional help.
I am a college student. what would an extra part time job help with? thanks for the advice, i think that is what i have been leaning towards. im unsure of how to do a lot of things like finding a counselor and knowing it is a good one. i go to a community college. do you have any idea if i went there who i would speak to to find that kind of help?
For counseling, ask at your student health service if the college has that.
Many county health departments have counseling on a sliding scale or sometimes free. But low cost at least.
And I suppose you might not trust that they would give you the best counselor? Or might not trust the counselor? But don't worry about that! Just go in and say you have problems with trust. And ask how you will know if you are getting a good counselor or not. And ask the counselor how you would know if he/she is a good counselor or not. (Be honest with your thoughts and feelings.) And they will of course see right away with those questions that you do indeed have trouble with trust!
Anyway it is OK. Counselors are experts at dealing with these sorts of things. Just show up and be yourself!
So far as your boyfriend, you wrote a very good and detailed post above about yourself. That is good. I will assume you have also discussed these issues with your boyfriend. That is all you need to do - let him know why you are the way you are. Then he will understand. And he has been with you for a year and a half. That is a good sign that he cares about you.
I always say a friend is someone who knows all about you and still likes you! So not to worry, sounds like you have a good friend in your boyfriend!
So far as trust, I once went through an earthquake and that REALLY rattled my nerves! Here was something I had come to depend on - something always there and stable (the earth). Then suddenly it moves and shakes and rattles and rolls! I was upset for months after that. Seemed I could not rely on anything!
So I certainly understand your feelings. Following are a bunch of tips for someone to build trust in another person. People who do those things CAN be trusted. Might want to read through that... How to Build Trust: 19 steps - wikiHow
Now there are a WHOLE bunch of people out there who don't do those things and can't be trusted. Perhaps you could expose yourself to the different types of people and then learn the difference? Maybe learn to recognize people who can't be trusted. And then in turn learn to recognize and appreciate those who can be trusted.
Now I am an honest person and do what I say. Therefore I also tend to hang around other people like that. So I don't know exactly where you would find people who can't be trusted (for your education on trust). Maybe someone else can give some examples?
Anyway you might want to try a used car salesman (NEVER trust one unless you know them personally!)
Lawyers can't be trusted in my experience.
More???
I am a college student. what would an extra part time job help with? thanks for the advice, i think that is what i have been leaning towards. im unsure of how to do a lot of things like finding a counselor and knowing it is a good one. i go to a community college. do you have any idea if i went there who i would speak to to find that kind of help?
It would help with paying for long-term therapy.
Finding a counselor/therapist is a bit like shopping for jeans. It takes some time and effort to find one that fits well.
Are you on your father or mother's insurance plan (assuming they have one)? The insurance carrier can provide you with a list of counselors/therapists/etc. in your area whose services they cover. If you're not on anyone's insurance, you may just have to start looking in the phone book.
The American Psychological Association (www.apa.org) has a page that can help you find someone, as well as advice on choosing a therapist. Each state also has a state professional psychological association. They can help you find the names/numbers of practitioners in your area.
Let me start with a question: Can you imagine what it would take your bf to say or do that would totally put you at ease and have trust in him? It doesn't matter how extreme. Just what would he have to do and/or say to keep you at ease?
Once you know what that is, you can politely request him if he could accommodate your wishes.
I have known insecure people before and understand there is a certain way you have to speak with them that can reduce a lot of their anxiety. Most important is to show them that their comfort is your top priority.
I don't think mistrust is necessarily a bad thing. We live in a society that discourages self-awareness and introspection, where people are bludgeoned with "conventional wisdom" that much of the time is irrational or just plain wrong, and trained to put aside personal convictions for the sake of "getting the job done" and conforming to people's schema of normalcy. As a result, much of the time people either don't know what they're talking about, or there cynically lying to you. The problem isn't not trusting people, its letting this mistrust affect your ability to keep cool and function.
Even the most wonderful people in the world will at some point disillusion you, because you have illusions about them in the first place, and because people make mistakes and sometimes do wrong.
The illusion is that you can have power and control over others and can somehow prevent them from disappointing you. But in reality, they end up have all the power over you, because they could decimate you in a second.
You are hypervigilant. This is fixable in therapy.
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