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Old 03-28-2013, 01:04 PM
 
Location: USA
18,591 posts, read 13,725,968 times
Reputation: 12165

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Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
No, I don't have an ideal. I really try to take people as they come. I have learned that the "public face" one puts on can be very deceptive.

My current SO is very patient and kind. He is a great listener and my best friend in many ways.
"I have learned that the "public face" one puts on can be very deceptive."
True of all people whether they admit it to theirselves or not. Eventually, most peoples nature comes out. They also can evolve which sometimes does have to do with the way you treat them.


"My current SO is very patient and kind. He is a great listener and my best friend in many ways"
Sounds pretty good compared with your previous relationship
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:16 PM
 
9,307 posts, read 5,806,418 times
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If your mom was born in 1947, she would have started an independent life around 1969 (that's assuming she spent 4 years in college). In 1969 women were burning their bras, I am Woman, Hear me Roar was a top tune. Most women of that era were the polar opposite of your mom. Since you mentioned your grandmother came over as an immigrant, I could see how your mom could have been an exception to her peers. She could have been brought up a little differently, in a close protected family and all. But then you said your grandmother would never have put up with the abuse. First generation or first born kids in a new country often have problems adjusting. But the complete lack of morals on your mom's part is baffling. I'm sorry you had to go through that, but it sounds like you are on the right track. Sometimes we don't find answers, it is what it is.
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Old 03-28-2013, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Man with a tan hat
799 posts, read 1,259,209 times
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I am sorry but I have to disagree with the PP. I grew up in a very poor urban neighborhood and my mother used to clean houses as one of her jobs. We often went with her when there was no one available to watch us. One of her customers was an upper middle class white family who lived in a very nice apartment building in Manhattan.

The mother was always perfectly groomed and poised but she couldn't make a move without consulting her husband. She waited for him to sit down before she would, she gave my mama fits about how she cleaned his den and where she put his slippers. She was nice to us as long as we were ushered into the kitchen when her husband came home and did not disturb "Mr. Reynolds" in any way.

On one such occasion my little sister said to her "you sure are nice to your husband." The lady just smiled and said "well, of course. I wouldn't want to be one of those women without a man." This confused my little sister as our own father had left us years before and our mama seemed to be okay. She said as much. The lady looked a little flustered and replied "Oh sweetheart. Your mama is very strong and brave to try and take care of you all. But you will see. Someday she will meet a man who knows how to do it so much better than she ever could!"

This took place in 1969, friends. I hate to say it, but when I watch those Mad Men episodes, the whole baby boomer thing seems pretty darn dysfunctional to me. While the OP's mama may not me the norm, there are likely A LOT of women in that generation who have similar sentiments.
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Old 03-29-2013, 09:07 AM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,169,369 times
Reputation: 2353
Interesting.

Yes, my mother very much resented having to go to work. Though she had a built in babysitter next door (my grandma, who was awesome) and a college degree, she stayed at home until we moved to a high cost of living area and she had to get a job to maintain the lifestyle she wanted. I often wonder what it would have been like if she had a boy instead of three girls. She always wanted a boy.
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:15 AM
 
Location: Penna
723 posts, read 965,208 times
Reputation: 1232
There's a book that may be of service to you called "Ghost's in the Nursery", I don't recall the author, look it up, it will truely amaze all who take the time to read it.
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Old 03-29-2013, 12:50 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,946 posts, read 64,436,469 times
Reputation: 68852
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
My parents were baby boomers. My mother was in thrall to my father and stood by silently while he physically, emotionally and sexually abused us, his three daughters. She recently revealed that she knew all along but did nothing because she "didn't want him to leave."

This woman has always needed a man. She has had 20 year period of chasing a married guy, spewing venom when he went back to his wife and kids. She has dangled property in front of him, gotten him jobs, bought motorcycles for him, etc. When her own daughter was on the street without a place to stay she refused shelter for her because HIS alcoholic brother needed a free room.

Recently my therapist introduced me to the idea of the generational victim-- someone who is raised in a wholly dysfunctional environment that is sanctified by a generational mindset. Now, don't get me wrong, I know plenty of baby boomer women who are independent and not looking for male approval, but this is the idea. Interesting that NONE of my mothers daughters were anxious to marry or replay this situation. I am being asked to acknowledge that she herself is a victim (yes, likely) of not only her family but of a wider social view.

What do you think? Perhaps some women who are my mother's age can give their insight. This is hard for me to swallow.
A "wider social view"? What would that view be? This kind of thing has been around almost since time immemorial. It has nothing to do with baby boomers or a "social view", other than the view that adults should be married. There's not even the excuse that single motherhood was frowned upon, because that changed by the time the baby boomer generation came of age.

Therapists don't usually teach victimhood, OP. In fact, they tend to emphasize the opposite; taking responsibility for your situation. Your mom chose not to divorce, in spite of horrific damage being done to her kids. This, in spite of easy divorce laws, child support, alimony, etc. My take would be more to look into her upbringing, to see what antecedents there may be there. In any case, my humble opinion is that you're right to have difficulty swallowing this. Find another therapist. If you haven't already, look for one that specializes in trauma. They seem to be the most on the ball, and they can treat you for PTSD, if you have that lingering on.

Your grandma lived next door? Did grandma know what was going on, at least the domestic violence? Grandma should have taken a larger role in your lives.
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Old 03-29-2013, 07:30 PM
 
Location: In the city
1,581 posts, read 3,169,369 times
Reputation: 2353
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
A "wider social view"? What would that view be? This kind of thing has been around almost since time immemorial. It has nothing to do with baby boomers or a "social view", other than the view that adults should be married. There's not even the excuse that single motherhood was frowned upon, because that changed by the time the baby boomer generation came of age.

Therapists don't usually teach victimhood, OP. In fact, they tend to emphasize the opposite; taking responsibility for your situation. Your mom chose not to divorce, in spite of horrific damage being done to her kids. This, in spite of easy divorce laws, child support, alimony, etc. My take would be more to look into her upbringing, to see what antecedents there may be there. In any case, my humble opinion is that you're right to have difficulty swallowing this. Find another therapist. If you haven't already, look for one that specializes in trauma. They seem to be the most on the ball, and they can treat you for PTSD, if you have that lingering on.

Your grandma lived next door? Did grandma know what was going on, at least the domestic violence? Grandma should have taken a larger role in your lives.

She had a huge role in our lives and I credit her with the fact that I am a responsible, caring adult and not in jail or out abusing people myself. She had no idea what was going on. We lived out in the middle of nowhere, so "next door" was a bit of a hike. She was our closest neighbor, if not within earshot.

Her house was our refuge and she let us stay there as much as we wanted, and we would, until my mom would go into one of her snits and punish us by not allowing us to go and visit her. After we moved away, I would call her all the time until my mother put a stop to it. There was always a huge emphasis on not letting other people outside of our immediate family know our "business." My mother would tell people that she had to wait on my grandmother and drive her everywhere, that she had to clean her house, etc. I was always confused by that as I never saw it.

My father never touched my mother. She has even said he never laid a hand on her. She had dinner on the table every night and hung on his every word unless they were fighting.

I don't think my therapist was "teaching victimhood"-- I think she was just trying to get me to focus some of my anger on the person who deserves it the most, which is undoubtedly my father-- and see my mother as someone who was damaged herself. No doubt she has a personality disorder and I am certainly not saying that all baby boomer women suffer from the same issues. What I got out of this is that my therapist is trying to give me some context on my mother's environment and some of the factors that may have contributed to her actions. I have not a shred of doubt that my father manipulated and abused her to help keep his little harem secure. My therapist was trying to explain some of the reasons why she might have been susceptible to that.

My mother absolutely sees herself as a victim. And a martyr.
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Old 03-31-2013, 05:58 PM
 
48,519 posts, read 81,162,475 times
Reputation: 17979
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
My parents were baby boomers. My mother was in thrall to my father and stood by silently while he physically, emotionally and sexually abused us, his three daughters. She recently revealed that she knew all along but did nothing because she "didn't want him to leave."

This woman has always needed a man. She has had 20 year period of chasing a married guy, spewing venom when he went back to his wife and kids. She has dangled property in front of him, gotten him jobs, bought motorcycles for him, etc. When her own daughter was on the street without a place to stay she refused shelter for her because HIS alcoholic brother needed a free room.

Recently my therapist introduced me to the idea of the generational victim-- someone who is raised in a wholly dysfunctional environment that is sanctified by a generational mindset. Now, don't get me wrong, I know plenty of baby boomer women who are independent and not looking for male approval, but this is the idea. Interesting that NONE of my mothers daughters were anxious to marry or replay this situation. I am being asked to acknowledge that she herself is a victim (yes, likely) of not only her family but of a wider social view.

What do you think? Perhaps some women who are my mother's age can give their insight. This is hard for me to swallow.
your father was a criminal if so and your mother was not what a mother should be in protecting you by her silence.Its not genration in my opinion has its still goes on and may be gettig worse not better but hard to really know. Its like so mnay thoigns such as this in life there are those who step forward and those who do nothing and allow such things to go on knowing its happening.Everyone wants to be a vo ictim i their own monds for every omisson but this is quite seroius ebcause they are part of makig of toher vitims.
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Old 04-03-2013, 10:45 AM
 
1,024 posts, read 956,024 times
Reputation: 832
My parents were baby-boomers as well. While you must consider how she was raised/her own experiences, of course the social view regarding sexual abuse & domestic violence is a factor. My mother often buried her head in the sand & did whatever she could do to present the picture-perfect image to people.

When I confronted her about some things from the past she said, "No one talks about those things." That's if she did not flat out deny anything even happened.

They also call this having cohort differences. I think the farther back you go, the more people were likely to turn a blind eye to abuse. Technically this still happens today, but it certainly is not as socially acceptable as it once was.

Both your mother & father were probably victims at one time, too. Perhaps they experienced/witnessed incest themselves. Doesn't mean you shouldn't be angry with them. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process & it's good to let yourself work through it now that you are an adult. So long as you are coping with it in healthy ways you are doing well.

Last edited by thethreefoldme; 04-03-2013 at 10:57 AM..
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Old 04-03-2013, 05:27 PM
 
Location: Western Washington
8,004 posts, read 9,683,063 times
Reputation: 19413
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedasusual View Post
My parents were baby boomers. My mother was in thrall to my father and stood by silently while he physically, emotionally and sexually abused us, his three daughters. She recently revealed that she knew all along but did nothing because she "didn't want him to leave."

This woman has always needed a man. She has had 20 year period of chasing a married guy, spewing venom when he went back to his wife and kids. She has dangled property in front of him, gotten him jobs, bought motorcycles for him, etc. When her own daughter was on the street without a place to stay she refused shelter for her because HIS alcoholic brother needed a free room.

Recently my therapist introduced me to the idea of the generational victim-- someone who is raised in a wholly dysfunctional environment that is sanctified by a generational mindset. Now, don't get me wrong, I know plenty of baby boomer women who are independent and not looking for male approval, but this is the idea. Interesting that NONE of my mothers daughters were anxious to marry or replay this situation. I am being asked to acknowledge that she herself is a victim (yes, likely) of not only her family but of a wider social view.

What do you think? Perhaps some women who are my mother's age can give their insight. This is hard for me to swallow.
I'm going to be blunt here. Your mother is/was a sick and selfish woman. Many.....and I mean MANY women of your mother's generation left men for far less than that. Your mother was selfish and lazy and flat out didn't care enough to protect her girls from the abuse. There.....I've said it. Your mother is not a victim, unless you choose to say she was a victim of her own greed.....hence, making her children both HER and your father's victims. She's a terrible, selfish person. It doesn't get much simpler than that. She was chasing after a MARRIED man, for 20 years? Victim? More like, monster!
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