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I don't know if this can be possible or not, but I know I'm pretty and have a nice body, but I still have very low self esteem. I'm not exactly physically perfect, but I try to change most of my imperfections that I can change. I don't have a personality and I have severe anxiety around people and I'm afraid to talk to people because I'm scared of saying something stupid plus I never have anything to talk about. Can it be my anxiety that's affecting my self esteem?
Yes, it can. Being good looking is great, but as you said, if one doesn't have much of a personality, it doesn't matter how good looking you are.
Someone suggested joining a book club...great idea. Truly. Or join some kind of club or activity if reading books and talking about them doesn't interest you. When you do this kind of thing, as was stated, you won't talk at first. That's to be understood. But as you get to know these people, as you see them open up and talk about things, you'll start to get more comfortable and will feel ok starting to talk.
The good thing that comes from doing this is that it gets you out of your shell but it also teaches you little clues...what I call, "societal clues", how to read people, their faces, things like that. We were supposed to be taught how to do this, as kids, but some of us were not.
I am like you, I seriously have to work very hard to carry on a normal conversation and even now, after all this time, I still muck it up.
For me, it made perfect sense to have a conversation like this:
Some person: Hi Three Wolves In Snow! How are you?!
Me: Fine.
Some person: ....
Me: ....
Some person: ....
Me: ....
People often don't believe me but it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me to ask them how THEY were doing. No, I'm not selfish, it just never occurred to me. I was very linear thinking, (still am), "They ask me a question, I answer, we are done". I actually believed I was being courteous and engaging in a conversation, that I was being pleasant and considerate by ANSWERING them. I had NO idea, for years, that I was supposed to ask them the same thing. Like I said, some of us are taught that when kids, some of us are not.
You learn to read, subconsciously, eye movements, mouth movements, other facial expressions, body movements and you learn, subconsciously, to read what the person may or may not be feeling.
I was only able to read when someone was bad or dangerous. I had no clue how to read when someone was in a good mood, was joking, was interested, was being kind....I truly did not. I still have problems reading that kind of stuff to this day.
For the average Joe, none of what I just typed makes any sense at all because so many were taught, just by going through every day things, how to do this. It's not even a conscious thing for many.
But those of us who lack it, we are very, very aware.
You could do some counseling but I think it would be more beneficial to you if you did as the one poster said and join a club or group where you sit down, look at each other and talk.
You will feel nervous, you may sweat, your hands might shake, you may feel like your throat is closing up on you, your heart rate will increase...but just do it.
The more you are aware of your anxieties or inability to read other people, the more you will learn, (sometimes it's after the fact, as I go through even to this day..."Gee, I should have asked them x"), the more you will be able to open up and start talking. Learn from them what you didn't learn when you were younger.
And, one of the toughest things you might go through is constructive criticism. That can be very difficult for someone who is anxious about speaking and then what they say is met with, "Well I disagree. I see it like this..." because you WILL sit there and think, "I knew I shouldn't have joined this group. I DID say something stupid after all!"
You didn't say anything stupid, you merely gave your interpretation and another person has another interpretation. The very fact that they listened to you, and then started sharing their opinion doesn't mean they think you said anything stupid but that what you said was interesting, just not how they saw it. You have actually helped people become engaged in a conversation. That's a good thing, not negative.
If you're in college, you should be able to find groups anywhere, heck even a study group is a good place to get started learning how to interact with people.
For some, it comes naturally. To me, it feels like an art form. I'm constantly amazed at people who can carry on a conversation with anyone. I get approached by complete strangers constantly who just start talking to me, (not weirdos), and the entire time they are there, I can't even think to say anything. My brain goes like this:
"Oh wow, how cool is this! This lady is here talking to me like we are old friends. That is so neat! I love this stuff! Oh s***, I should probably say something. What the hell do I say? OMG, seriously, come up with something to say besides, 'uh huh'. Add something to the conversation for the love of God."
And the anxiety goes through the roof.
The one thing that got me over that huge bump in the road was becoming a tour guide. I'm not even joking. The very first time on my own, I was a shaking, sweaty mess. I took tickets with a hand that would not stop shaking and the tourists saw it. That made it worse. I felt like I couldn't drink enough water on that tour. I was so fricken nervous and anxious, my voice shook. They all knew it and I wanted to be anywhere but giving that tour at that time. I was a disaster.
But they loved the tour.
And I did it again. And again, and again, and again, and again...for four years. Every day for four years I talked to people even though I was anxious as all get out on the inside. And you know, it DID get easier. And now? I'm almost normal. I still forget sometimes to return the question like, "How are you?" Yes, forget. Or I'll think later, "I could have asked them how their weekend was...that would have started a conversation. Why didn't I think of that?!" I still get nervous sometimes thinking I need to come up with something to say. I still feel a little stab if something I say doesn't go over well but it DOES get easier. Just go get started.
Last edited by Three Wolves In Snow; 04-23-2013 at 01:57 PM..
Yes, it can. Being good looking is great, but as you said, if one doesn't have much of a personality, it doesn't matter how good looking you are.
Someone suggested joining a book club...great idea. Truly. Or join some kind of club or activity if reading books and talking about them doesn't interest you. When you do this kind of thing, as was stated, you won't talk at first. That's to be understood. But as you get to know these people, as you see them open up and talk about things, you'll start to get more comfortable and will feel ok starting to talk.
The good thing that comes from doing this is that it gets you out of your shell but it also teaches you little clues...what I call, "societal clues", how to read people, their faces, things like that. We were supposed to be taught how to do this, as kids, but some of us were not.
I am like you, I seriously have to work very hard to carry on a normal conversation and even now, after all this time, I still muck it up.
For me, it made perfect sense to have a conversation like this:
Some person: Hi Three Wolves In Snow! How are you?!
Me: Fine.
Some person: ....
Me: ....
Some person: ....
Me: ....
People often don't believe me but it NEVER EVEN OCCURRED to me to ask them how THEY were doing. No, I'm not selfish, it just never occurred to me. I was very linear thinking, (still am), "They ask me a question, I answer, we are done". I actually believed I was being courteous and engaging in a conversation, that I was being pleasant and considerate by ANSWERING them. I had NO idea, for years, that I was supposed to ask them the same thing. Like I said, some of us are taught that when kids, some of us are not.
You learn to read, subconsciously, eye movements, mouth movements, other facial expressions, body movements and you learn, subconsciously, to read what the person may or may not be feeling.
I was only able to read when someone was bad or dangerous. I had no clue how to read when someone was in a good mood, was joking, was interested, was being kind....I truly did not. I still have problems reading that kind of stuff to this day.
For the average Joe, none of what I just typed makes any sense at all because so many were taught, just by going through every day things, how to do this. It's not even a conscious thing for many.
But those of us who lack it, we are very, very aware.
You could do some counseling but I think it would be more beneficial to you if you did as the one poster said and join a club or group where you sit down, look at each other and talk.
You will feel nervous, you may sweat, your hands might shake, you may feel like your throat is closing up on you, your heart rate will increase...but just do it.
The more you are aware of your anxieties or inability to read other people, the more you will learn, (sometimes it's after the fact, as I go through even to this day..."Gee, I should have asked them x"), the more you will be able to open up and start talking. Learn from them what you didn't learn when you were younger.
And, one of the toughest things you might go through is constructive criticism. That can be very difficult for someone who is anxious about speaking and then what they say is met with, "Well I disagree. I see it like this..." because you WILL sit there and think, "I knew I shouldn't have joined this group. I DID say something stupid after all!"
You didn't say anything stupid, you merely gave your interpretation and another person has another interpretation. The very fact that they listened to you, and then started sharing their opinion doesn't mean they think you said anything stupid but that what you said was interesting, just not how they saw it. You have actually helped people become engaged in a conversation. That's a good thing, not negative.
If you're in college, you should be able to find groups anywhere, heck even a study group is a good place to get started learning how to interact with people.
For some, it comes naturally. To me, it feels like an art form. I'm constantly amazed at people who can carry on a conversation with anyone. I get approached by complete strangers constantly who just start talking to me, (not weirdos), and the entire time they are there, I can't even think to say anything. My brain goes like this:
"Oh wow, how cool is this! This lady is here talking to me like we are old friends. That is so neat! I love this stuff! Oh s***, I should probably say something. What the hell do I say? OMG, seriously, come up with something to say besides, 'uh huh'. Add something to the conversation for the love of God."
And the anxiety goes through the roof.
The one thing that got me over that huge bump in the road was becoming a tour guide. I'm not even joking. The very first time on my own, I was a shaking, sweaty mess. I took tickets with a hand that would not stop shaking and the tourists saw it. That made it worse. I felt like I couldn't drink enough water on that tour. I was so fricken nervous and anxious, my voice shook. They all knew it and I wanted to be anywhere but giving that tour at that time. I was a disaster.
But they loved the tour.
And I did it again. And again, and again, and again, and again...for four years. Every day for four years I talked to people even though I was anxious as all get out on the inside. And you know, it DID get easier. And now? I'm almost normal. I still forget sometimes to return the question like, "How are you?" Yes, forget. Or I'll think later, "I could have asked them how their weekend was...that would have started a conversation. Why didn't I think of that?!" I still get nervous sometimes thinking I need to come up with something to say. I still feel a little stab if something I say doesn't go over well but it DOES get easier. Just go get started.
Thank you for your response. Everytime I see my patients I always ask how they're doing, but it's not like I care how they're doing it's for me to be a little talkative. I usually like to get my work done and get them out of the chair as soon as possible.
Yes, this is a mental thing. Not that there is anything wrong with you. Far from it I'd imagine. I know (because I am / was just like this too) there is a link between low self esteem and arrogance. "I know I'm so pretty so why doesn't everyone love me?" I can't explain better but to answer your question, yes it's possible and probably common. I think you should continue to keep your appearance up but focus on other qualities, other things and hobbies / interests so you do have something to talk about. What do you like to do? What do you study in school? Why choose that? What do you do for work? Why? Interesting thread, hopefully I and others can learn from it too.
I don't know if this can be possible or not, but I know I'm pretty and have a nice body, but I still have very low self esteem. I'm not exactly physically perfect, but I try to change most of my imperfections that I can change. I don't have a personality and I have severe anxiety around people and I'm afraid to talk to people because I'm scared of saying something stupid plus I never have anything to talk about. Can it be my anxiety that's affecting my self esteem?
It's pretty common for beautiful women to not know they're beautiful, and to have low self-esteem. Marilyn Monroe would be an example of that. I think she was adopted or had a very impoverished childhood. She was beautiful but did not value herself, slept around, took drugs and ultimately took her own life, IIRC.
If you feel you never have anything to talk about, you can remedy that. The public library is free, and you could also set educational goals. You "don't have a personality?" No, you do. Just find things that interest you and pursue them.
You wrote that you change whatever physical imperfections you may have? Maybe that would be a hint about what fields to pursue, so you can help others do the same. Serving others, offering content, is the key to business and professional success.
Yes, they can. I am a relatively unattractive woman who has a beautiful daughter. I've posted on here before that all her life, people who saw a photo of my kid would involuntarily give a little gasp and say, "That's YOUR daughter?" It got to be amusing over the years.
Since my teenage life was so difficult and sad because of the way I looked, I figured she had it made as she entered her teens. Doors would open, she would just have to snap her fingers and have boyfriends, all the goodies that come with being pleasant to look at and super smart to boot. And it seemed that way at first. People responded to her easily. She was never mocked or made fun of. She did have boyfriends, and throughout high school she was going with the best looking guy in the class. They were a beautiful couple.
But I came to find she did have insecurities, things she was not happy with about her own body, and worst of all, she is a perfectionist and beat herself up psychically if she doesn't do what she thinks should be her best. In her young teens, I learned that she had inherited my OCD, and I got her the help she needed to manage it. She was also cutting herself, which I didn't know until after she had stopped. By the time she went to college, she figured out that the perfect boyfriend was controlling and not supportive of her chosen academic path, and she dumped him.
She is 26 and still struggles with her feelings that she is not good enough, not perfect enough, but she is working on it. She is a PhD student, and she just did poorly in a class that lowered her GPA from 4.0 to 3.8 and laughed about it and said, "I guess I really am not perfect."
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