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Old 04-30-2013, 05:35 PM
1 posts, read 22,934 times
Reputation: 16


Could it be that some people are unable to feel love? I am 49 years old and have been loved, deeply loved by many men thru out my life. I have loved none. A few times I thought I did, but invariably the "feeling" went away very quickly. Eventually I loose all interest in the man, to the point that I can not stand his smell, his personality, or being touched by him. I only feel disgust.

I don't feel any deep love toward my still living mother. Or relatives. The love for my child did not come instantly like I always heard women say about their own children.

I have never been faithful. Never once. I don't feel great sadness over the mishaps or tragedies of others. I resent women who try to get too friendly.

I don't want to be alone, and so I have forced myself to stay in my present relationship. I know if I leave this one, it will be the exact same all over again with the next one. I am exceptional at making a man feel that he is loved. My ability for deception is something to behold. I see couples who still love each other after many years and I do not believe that they actually do feel that way.

I have been to a few counselors but after the first meeting I can tell that there is nothing to be gained. Perhaps I need a very specific type of counselor, or a psychologist?

I know that it is not "normal" to feel, or "not feel" like I do. There has to be something wrong, in my brain perhaps. Could anyone give me advice as to what kind of health or mental professional I need to see? Is there anyone reading this who is like me?
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:23 PM
Location: State of Being
35,886 posts, read 49,771,475 times
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Have you seen a psychiatrist? When you refer to "counselors" . . . I assume you mean - licensed therapists, psychologists, marriage counselors?

I would find a good psychiatrist and spend whatever it costs to get an accurate diagnosis. Plus, you may find it would be interesting -- you seem very analytical and self aware already.

If you don't have access to a really good psychiatrist, I would suggest a psychologist with a Ph.D. in psychology, specializing in cognitive/behavioral psychology.

Don't get discouraged. You are very wise to delve into why you feel (or don't feel!) the way you do.
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Old 04-30-2013, 06:42 PM
Location: Florida
2,291 posts, read 3,067,323 times
Reputation: 5113
The only person I know like that is my mother.

She is a text book narcissist and is not capable of love. "Love" to her is the feeling of euphoria that she gets when a new narcissistic supply source has been found. Because she is extremely enamored, she projects the feeling of being in madly in love with you, therefore fooling you into thinking it's genuine love. My mother has never been faithful to any man, married or not and has no genuine love for her children, we are all tools to her, she plays us like a fine tuned fiddle.

I am not clinically trained, the above is what her psychologist outlined to me and I have no clue as to whether this pertains to you or not. I would suggest some type of therapy to get to the root of the problem. I hope that you will find the answer.

Sending support your way.
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Old 05-01-2013, 07:18 AM
Location: Mid-Atlantic, US
2,439 posts, read 2,051,321 times
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From the wisdom of Osho...

The man who is without love is narcissistic, he is closed. He knows only himself. And how much can he know himself if he has not known the other, because only the other can function as a mirror? You will never know yourself without knowing the other. Love is very fundamental for self-knowledge too. The person who has not known the other in deep love, in intense passion, in utter ecstasy, will not be able to know who he is, because he will not have the mirror to see his own reflection.

Relationship is a mirror, and the purer the love is, the higher the love is, the better the mirror, the cleaner the mirror. But the higher love needs that you should be open. The higher love needs you to be vulnerable. You have to drop your armor’ that is painful. You have not to be constantly on guard. You have to drop the calculating mind. You have to risk. You have to live dangerously. The other can hurt you’ that is the fear in being vulnerable. The other can reject you’ that is the fear in being in love.

More at..
Love & Why It Hurts - OSHOTIMES - Igniting Individual Intelligence
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Old 05-01-2013, 07:55 AM
4,766 posts, read 5,109,960 times
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On the plus side you are very honest with yourself and have identified the problem. That is half the battle right there! (Very good.)

I would recommend finding a woman psychologist who has children. In theory any psychologist should be able to help you, however I think a woman psychologist who has had children of her own would be a big plus.
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Old 05-01-2013, 08:12 AM
85 posts, read 87,203 times
Reputation: 139
Possibly your over analyzing yourself. most people whom truly are scoiopathic or narcissistic,never stop to analyze themselves or there actions,they don't care,as you do. The inability to be faithful often stems from lack of self esteem. I think you do love,in your own way,everyone displays their love differently,some are touchy feely,others can go days without seeing loved ones.
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Old 05-06-2013, 10:57 PM
172 posts, read 295,613 times
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All you need to worry about in life is to be a good person. Nothing else matters!

Don't waste your time/money on therapies. One life, live it.
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Old 05-08-2013, 12:05 AM
Location: USA
3,968 posts, read 7,066,878 times
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Old 05-08-2013, 01:42 PM
Location: Northeast
7,984 posts, read 3,468,783 times
Reputation: 3658
Originally Posted by PetraGM View Post
Could it be that some people are unable to feel love? I am 49 years old and have been loved, deeply loved by many men thru out my life. I have loved none. A few times I thought I did, but invariably the "feeling" went away very quickly. Eventually I loose all interest in the man, to the point that I can not stand his smell, his personality, or being touched by him. I only feel disgust.
What is your definition of "love"?

The euphoric feelings early in a relationship are clinically known as "cathexis". It is unsustainable, due to hedonic tone. If you are gunning for those feelings you are bound to be disappointed. These feelings are often called "love" or "being in love" or "falling in love" but love is not a feeling, it is just a cold, hard, naked decision to put the needs, desires, hopes, dreams and aspirations of someone else ahead of your own. It requires commitment, loyalty, devotion, empathy and compassion.

My guess is that you are capable of those things but are over-focused on what you think you should be feeling. You want fireworks to go off or you feel you don't love. It is not a matter of fireworks but of showing up every day, as you're trying to do with your current relationship. It's also true that feelings often follow action, that inhabiting a role you've always self-sabotaged results in you eventually feeling a sense of belonging in the role, relaxing into it, and being able to feel things about it.

The only thing I can tell you about therapy is that you may have to go through a half dozen or more therapists until one "clicks". We spent a couple of years going through therapists for my stepson and they ranged from "dangerously incompetent" to "taking up space" to "game changing". We're sticking with the game changer. Also unlike with physical medicine I think it's important for there to be a connection. You have to respect and like the therapist and the therapist has to respect and like you or there will be no proportional commitment -- from you to the therapist or vice versa. When you strip away all the jargon, a therapist is a paid friend. Concerns about "transference" notwithstanding, a friend has to actually care or at least be interested.

As a side observation, I sense that your situation may be a little complex ... my stepson for example has elements of generalized anxiety, depression, OCD, and an Asperger's-like nerdiness. No one of those things are dominant (or which one dominates can be different from one moment to the next). It's interesting to me that the "game changer" felt at first that his main problem as Asperger's Syndrome (it's her specialty, so that's her "hammer") but as she's gotten to know him more fully she is now not so ****-sure. This is the hallmark of a true professional -- not being overly married to her pet ideas and interests. The main thing is that she has become a "fan" of this extraordinary young man and is letting his situation speak for itself. This has taken the better part of a year, so patience is well advised.

I echo the other posters observation that your level of self awareness and desire for change / improvement suggests that you are not a hopeless narcissist or sociopath or something like that. I wish you well.
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Old 05-08-2013, 06:49 PM
Location: New Jersey
8,739 posts, read 6,206,133 times
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I beleive most everyone feels some kind of 'affection' towards somebody but love? No. There's some people that are not capable of love and some people that no one is capable of loving. That's just how it is.
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