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Old 05-23-2013, 10:39 PM
 
Location: Southwest Washington State
15,258 posts, read 11,482,187 times
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Creme, I'd see an elder attorney, to find out how to protect yourself, and how to deal with your mom. This is based on your concern that she will try to accuse you of something that you did not do.

If you wish to be totally estranged, then you might have change your phone number. I can't remember, isn't there a sibling? If so (sorry about my memory) then you need to be talking to him or her.

I think you need a plan.
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:31 AM
 
24,242 posts, read 22,341,849 times
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Originally Posted by silibran View Post
Creme, I'd see an elder attorney, to find out how to protect yourself, and how to deal with your mom. This is based on your concern that she will try to accuse you of something that you did not do.

If you wish to be totally estranged, then you might have change your phone number. I can't remember, isn't there a sibling? If so (sorry about my memory) then you need to be talking to him or her.

I think you need a plan.
Hello, yes, there are siblings, however, they are my foster siblings and not at all related to her. Thanks for your advice and to everyone who offered their thoughts on this....greatly appreciate....I will definately think about it....
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Old 05-24-2013, 05:36 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
It's obvious to me, reading this, that your mother is mentally ill. Accusing people, including you, of taking things, etc. Something is wrong with her. So...I'm curious. Surely you realized this years ago? And yet she still affects you that way? I mean, knowing your mother isn't right in the head doesn't take away the feelings you have from her effects on you, but holding on to all these memories and replaying them can't be healthy. You know WHY she acts the way she does, and of course you have the choice to avoid her. But I don't get the asking about "jealousy" or whatever. Her mind isn't right. Why the need to try to apply logic at this stage in the game to the behavior of someone whose actions can't be explained logically?

The most important thing is that you do what you have to do to protect your own emotional health.
I understand what you are saying and you are correct....there were lifelong scars...believe me....I always chose men who were abusive, until I figured it out, along with counseling....but to this day, I am, as you say, a glutin for punishment...I only replay the issues, when I have to go see her...she starts in and I leave shaking my head and wondering why I went back, but that will not happen any longer....believe me, I'm afraid if I did, she would continue accusing me of doing things....I won't allow her to use me any longer. Honestly, she is a mean woman...and b/c she is mentally ill, I suppose that is why I cannot help but feel sorry for her...I have to, it's the right thing to do, however, I don't have to continue visiting her and taking her abuse....believe me, I'm done.
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Old 05-24-2013, 06:46 AM
Status: "I miss Rod Serling" (set 4 days ago)
 
48,194 posts, read 48,022,894 times
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Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
I understand what you are saying and you are correct....there were lifelong scars...believe me....I always chose men who were abusive, until I figured it out, along with counseling....but to this day, I am, as you say, a glutton for punishment...I only replay the issues, when I have to go see her...she starts in and I leave shaking my head and wondering why I went back, but that will not happen any longer....believe me, I'm afraid if I did, she would continue accusing me of doing things....I won't allow her to use me any longer. Honestly, she is a mean woman...and b/c she is mentally ill, I suppose that is why I cannot help but feel sorry for her...I have to, it's the right thing to do, however, I don't have to continue visiting her and taking her abuse....believe me, I'm done.
Good. I understand. While my mother was not nearly as toxic as yours, she did have issues when we were children that she later addressed in her 50s via therapy. Meanwhile, my siblings and I picked spouses who were "familiar" in that regard--emotionally abusive, critical, self-centered. Because I had years of therapy after my own bad marriage ended, I am now the most tolerant of my 84-year-old mother out of all my siblings. One of my sisters still can barely stand to spend time with her because she has never dealt with the memories of our mother's behavior when we were children. I know my mother has a lot of regrets, and I can forgive her. But she still lapses into certain conversations where I have to either tune her out, leave, or change the subject. I have learned not to engage.
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Old 05-28-2013, 12:52 AM
 
625 posts, read 602,958 times
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Why do people continue to see themselves as victims and point out the victims of circumstance in this world. If your mother is sick, remind her she is mentally ill. If she cannot cope with her situation or condition, suicide is the best option. In a world of survival of the fittest, admitting you are not cut out for this world is not defeat. I say this because there is always a woman to blame for this failed world. When you take the good with the bad, there is always a man who is enabled by a sick mother. America talks of tough love, getting a Christian to take their own life is like pulling teeth. The NAZI's had no trouble taking their own lives during WW2. In America, most families are like war zones with children not receiving the care they deserve.

If someone sees it differently, enlighten me and tell me where people go when they die. If there is a heaven, certainly this world is hell. If there is a hell, there is a Hades for broken, tortured and brutalized souls in death where they can heal without being subject to emotional, verbal or physical trauma.

Sigmund Freud had his physician assist him with suicide in his 80's when his health failed him. There are those who say do as I say and not as I do. There are those who suffer and those who do not. Typically, those who do not are in denial about their own emotional and mental trauma.

Women forget just how important their roles are in life. They bring children into this world everyday, some children leave through the garbage at the abortion clinics. Women have the right to choose life and death of their mistakes or offspring they were not prepared to raise. Men have no role in the child birthing process. Some men volunteer to dispose of the aborted fetuses at abortion clinics because they were told they were unplanned, unwanted, uncared for or unneeded by their mothers growing up. It helps them heal to see the Children who were truly unwanted and uncared for by mothers who were ill equipped to perform the duties of motherhood.

I sometimes write in graphic detail to illustrate to the living there are souls like orphans, foster children and aborted babies who did not make it in this world. There are child prostitutes being used around the world each and everyday. A common form of apathy is families is for parents to remind children how good they have it vs. other cultures and societies around the world. They do not say how unfortunate or unlucky this world will be for not caring for the 2nd and 3rd world suffering at the end of times.
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Old 05-28-2013, 01:11 PM
 
162 posts, read 372,332 times
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Aleister, people are victims..it's not crème's fault that her mother is mentally impaired. I'm sure within time she noticed that but as a child and even a teenager you don't know these things...How could you say suicide is the best option is she can not cope..this is why there are psychiatrists and psychologist. She needs help!!
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Old 05-28-2013, 01:38 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,421 posts, read 15,949,104 times
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OP check out this website: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
My mother wasn't as bad as yours but It certainly gave me plenty to chew on and it helped to know which parts of her behavior were due to the personality disorder. Later on as she started showing signs of dementia she started accusing all kinds of people of stealing from her, including my brother the "golden child." Strangely I got left out of that one even though I was the scapegoat. I feel for you and hope you can move past this but I know how it is--you do really well for awhile and then something brings it all screaming back.

I prefer to think of this in a spiritual way in that I tend to believe that we are born into situations that we need to be in to work things out with people that need to be worked on and that has helped my emotional health immensely. But yeah, I still had my bad days and those completely stopped, 97% anyway, after her funeral.
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Old 05-29-2013, 06:34 AM
 
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Originally Posted by jasnery View Post
Aleister, people are victims..it's not crème's fault that her mother is mentally impaired. I'm sure within time she noticed that but as a child and even a teenager you don't know these things...How could you say suicide is the best option is she can not cope..this is why there are psychiatrists and psychologist. She needs help!!
thanks so much....anyone that could offer suicide as an option...well, I won't go any further....
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Old 05-29-2013, 06:39 AM
 
24,242 posts, read 22,341,849 times
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Originally Posted by stepka View Post
OP check out this website: Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
My mother wasn't as bad as yours but It certainly gave me plenty to chew on and it helped to know which parts of her behavior were due to the personality disorder. Later on as she started showing signs of dementia she started accusing all kinds of people of stealing from her, including my brother the "golden child." Strangely I got left out of that one even though I was the scapegoat. I feel for you and hope you can move past this but I know how it is--you do really well for awhile and then something brings it all screaming back.

I prefer to think of this in a spiritual way in that I tend to believe that we are born into situations that we need to be in to work things out with people that need to be worked on and that has helped my emotional health immensely. But yeah, I still had my bad days and those completely stopped, 97% anyway, after her funeral.
yes, it is a spiritual thing of sorts, and I have worked thru quit a lot of things however, I have decided, not to go back, God only knows what else she could acuse me of, and I know this sounds bad, but she has always hated me, all my life...she was also very jealous of me? I know, I know, but a lot of people told me that. Everyone, was always no good, she hated people who had money...and made up so many stories, you didn't know if you could believe her or not. When ever I would visit her she would never offer me anything to drink, in the end, she never even sent a birthday card, or called to wish me a happy birthday, just said she couldn't afford it any more....yet, she blames me for our problems, saying I aways hated Her. I did not, but there were times when I was embarrassed of her, b/c of the way she spoke....and yes, I do believe she is an extreme narcissistic case. Thank you for the link.

If I was happy or successful in anything, she'd do and say all kinds of horrible things to pull me down...
I still feel sorry for her, b/c I'm the only thing she has now....but I'm not going to return...and I'm sick to death of her being so one sided....as soon as you walk in, she is always sick, she has been dying for the past 60 years...however, she never has as much as an ounze of empathy for anyone else going thru anything. Her illnesses are the worst that humanity has ever seen. I'm just really sick and tired of her bring everyone around her down....actually feel a relief that I don't plan on going back...before it was awful, contemplating each and every visit, (what was she going to be like) many times she'd open the door and give me a look of disgust, like I was dirt? As a child I vowed I'd never give her any amunition, and yet, she'd make up stories and talk about me to all our relatives/friends, about how bad of a kid I was....and I wasn't, honestly...the only bad thing I did was my marks were down in school, understandibly so, couldn't consentrate.

I don't consider myself a victim, more so, am so blessed in the other family I had to help me thru this, and that I didn't turn out like her...that, was my largest fear....

Last edited by cremebrulee; 05-29-2013 at 06:50 AM..
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Old 05-29-2013, 04:45 PM
 
Location: St. Louis
9,421 posts, read 15,949,104 times
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Originally Posted by cremebrulee View Post
As a child I vowed I'd never give her any amunition, and yet, she'd make up stories and talk about me to all our relatives/friends, about how bad of a kid I was....and I wasn't, honestly...the only bad thing I did was my marks were down in school, understandibly so, couldn't consentrate.

I don't consider myself a victim, more so, am so blessed in the other family I had to help me thru this, and that I didn't turn out like her...that, was my largest fear....
There is no power on earth that can make a sane person feel crazy so much as a narcissistic mother, unless it's a sociopath. Very much related those two. Anyway yes, TG you did not turn out like her. I'm dating a psychotherapist who also has a NM and he says that they are that way b/c it is too painful for them to turn their gaze inward and see themselves so they turn it outward and either blame the world or expect it to kowtow to them.

Anyway, what I said about the spiritual stuff was never meant to make you feel that you should go back there again. My bf says that he went around for awhile and the second he started to feel bad he left, but she never learned and now he never goes around anymore even though she only lives 2 miles away. You do what you have to do.
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