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Old 05-26-2013, 09:15 AM
 
Location: Center of the universe
24,757 posts, read 32,227,854 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fran66 View Post
You don't say how old your children are.

I grew up in a household where my parents didn't like or love each other. Even as a young child, my most frequent prayer was that they would get divorced. Well, they didn't. And I left home at 18 and never looked back. And I wound up not liking or loving either one of them. It's 46 years later, and I still don't.

And please don't tell me your kids don't know what is going on. If they're over 5 years of age, they do.
They know what's going on. Their mother makes sure of that.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:19 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
20,671 posts, read 21,744,241 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
They know what's going on. Their mother makes sure of that.
Why can't you file for divorce and petition for custody? If your children are old enough to speak with the judge/mediator and they know the situation, they would probably prefer to live with you.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Jasper, Alabama
87 posts, read 87,047 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
I have come to the realization that I hate my wife. We have had a bad marriage for countless years, but recently it has taken a turn for the worse. It's really a low-intensity war with two people barely tolerating each other living sullen lives in a home we can't leave for family and financial reasons. I didn't ever want to get to this point, but I truly do hate her. But I still also love her - I am still attracted to her, she is the only person I have ever loved, and we have children together. What an intractable, horrible situation it is.

Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time?
You can't hate someone unless they matter to you.

Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite of love.

Hate is anger over disappointment. It is anger over someone failing to live up to your expectations of them.

You have to care to hate.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:24 AM
 
1,232 posts, read 1,356,238 times
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Default Is it possible to love and hate your spouse?

Absolutely. But, where I come from, it's called obsession.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:29 AM
 
Location: Texas
41,883 posts, read 48,139,283 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Southern Scotsman View Post
You can't hate someone unless they matter to you.

Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite of love.

Hate is anger over disappointment. It is anger over someone failing to live up to your expectations of them.

You have to care to hate.
I agree.
With my ex I realized the opposite of love isn't hate...it's indifference.
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Old 05-26-2013, 09:49 AM
 
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Oh yes love and hate same thing I always say LOL. Hate are intense, passionate feelings.

I love my partner and have strong passion for him but hate him too. We gave up a lot to be together, I left a long-term relationship for him and a job, I had a good stable life and he also left his long-term relationship and his home country for me LOL...so its as if I started my life over from scratch when we decided to be together. At the begnining when we lived together I hated him for coming into my life at the most incovienient moment. But I love him, we been together for years now and I am happy.
Sometimes I still say I love him even though he ruined my life .
But couldn't imagine being with anyone else...love him so much.... The day I feel nothing, no hate no love then its time to leave...!
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Old 05-26-2013, 10:47 AM
 
Location: Northeastern US
14,046 posts, read 8,215,829 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
I would like to end it, as the relationship has run its course with lots of anger and hurt, but there are so many factors fighting against this. I agree that I am unhappy with her, and that things would/will be worse if we are divorced. I feel totally stuck at this point.
You're not in a unique situation.

The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. Hate is simply love, offended and/or disappointed. You can't truly hate anyone you have no expectations of. As with many things in life, then, the secret is to let go of expectations to particular outcomes and focus on what is working / doable. Many people, it seems to me, go into their fourth, fifth, sixth decade still clinging to illusions that haven't served them well and wouldn't be seriously believed, you'd think, by anyone beyond their teens. One True Love, relationship as perfect refuge from the world and The Solution To All My Problems and Insecurities ... at some point you have to give your projections back to your partner and get real. And you have to do it, regardless of whether or not THEY do.

As for you being dad-gummed if you do and dad-gummed if you don't, welcome to the club.

I've come to the conclusion that the only marriages that have any long-term sustainable tranquility are the ones where both partners are wise enough to not go to certain places in their thinking or their actions and speech, even though they could. I can honestly say that in all my relationships with women I have chosen to focus on their positive aspects and have not blurted out certain things just because they're true. Sadly, the favor has not been returned. Odds are I could go through a dozen women before I found one that is sustainably like-minded. This is not dig at women, as for all I know it's just as bad or worse in the other direction; I'm just sharing my experience and observations. At any rate life is too short for that stuff, at some point you just hunker down and make the best of a bad job. It helps to realize that you suck too, and she is putting up with a lot of your "stuff". When you're young you rise up in high dudgeon against this and disparage it as "settling". When you're old you realize that you'd arguably have been better off if you'd "settled" a long time ago, and in any case, you're out of time, energy and maneuvering room to be that picky anymore. No woman is "all that". And you're not "all that".

It seems like you & your wife need to quit putting so much on each other and just be thankful for things as they are. If you can't do that, then yes, it's going to be painful and expensive to get away from the problem -- and in some ways impossible because of other entanglements like children.
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Old 05-26-2013, 11:59 AM
 
1,780 posts, read 2,452,891 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucario View Post
They know what's going on. Their mother makes sure of that.
And please tell me again just how much you love your children that you subject them to a not-good environment, day in and day out, year after year.

I agree with whomever said to get a divorce and petition for custody. I don't remember if you've indicated what state you live in, but a lot of states' divorce courts no longer favor the mother and especially after the children reach a certain age. (I know -- I worked in divorce court for almost 7 years in Southern CA.)

You really need to get your focus off you and your wife and start thinking about the children and what is ultimately best for them.
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Old 05-26-2013, 12:21 PM
 
Location: Chicago area
12,491 posts, read 6,790,451 times
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Yes been there done that. I hated my husband for a while because his evil twin came in and took his place. I was still very much in love with the man I married that didn't exist for what ever reason. Manopause? I was living with a stranger and it was horrible. He came back to me but it took a good long while. I'm glad I didn't give up because my knight in shining armor is back and the evil twin a distant memory. I constantly watch to make sure he doesn't come back. I don't want to go through that again but I did say for better or for worse. And I meant it.
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Old 05-26-2013, 12:30 PM
 
Location: Kansas
19,190 posts, read 13,416,511 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aquietpath View Post
When a marriage gets to this point, there is no undoing the hateful things that were said and done, especially if one of the partners wants out and is no longer willing to work on the marriage. I've been in your situation and even though there was some love and attraction still there, I had to get out of the relationship for my mental health. Too much stress otherwise. Believe me, the peace outweighs any financial repercussions that occur after a split.
There is a point of no return and I have also heard that the peace outweighs any financial repercussions that occur after a split. I surely hope this is true. There are things that can be said, I'm guessing that is your case, that just finish it. I think most people when they divorce still have feelings. Love? I'm not sure but more concern. Or maybe you "love" her but really don't like her? I don't think there is a solution to the situation until one of you does what needs to be done which appears to end it. I am there also but almost out. I think there a lot more people in this situation than are willing to admit it too! Sad.
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