Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation Lucario and I am afraid I have no wonderful fix for the problem either. I do agree with the poster that stated that it sounds as if your wife has a personality disorder. Is there any way possible for you to get her to agree to try medication? I know it's a long shot considering she wouldn't even go to marriage counseling with you - which I am also sorry to hear about since that would be hard to take emotionally.
If you can perhaps find an attorney who knows how to get her evaluated for a mental illness prior to a separation than that would be great fuel for you obtaining full custody of your children. Just a thought? Maybe you can hone up on your state's laws in regard to marital law and child custody on line - just erase your footsteps in case she snoops on your computer - Don't want her being more informed or as informed as you will be.
Seeking full child custody is the only way I can see you having what you really want. It sounds like your wife is making your life a living Hell and you really should consider an option of full custody so you don't go insane or worse - spiral into a depressed abyss.
Hate isn't the opposite of love, indifference is the opposite of love.
This^
Quote:
Originally Posted by helloimage
The day I feel nothing, no hate no love then its time to leave...!
and This^
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordant
As for you being dad-gummed if you do and dad-gummed if you don't, welcome to the club.
Agree...
Life is always going to be one tradeoff or another, and oftentimes the compromises available all seem equally unbearable.
The OP about whether it's possible to hate & love same person-
of course it is, people have these mixed feelings (and give off these mixed messages) all the time.
I believe it to the degree that my custom title is "vast ambivalence", because I'm so indecisive and have conflicted emotions about so many things,
it's hard for me simplify and "just" say/do something, anything, at all...
Can't give advice as I've not been in such a situation nor am I a parent,
but it was awful for me growing up in household where the adults seriously fought with each other.
All we can do is offer up suggestions of ways to think about or enlist help with the predicament-
only the OP can decide what is the most realistically achievable "harm-reduction strategy" for his circumstances.
I'm very sorry to hear about your situation Lucario and I am afraid I have no wonderful fix for the problem either. I do agree with the poster that stated that it sounds as if your wife has a personality disorder. Is there any way possible for you to get her to agree to try medication? I know it's a long shot considering she wouldn't even go to marriage counseling with you - which I am also sorry to hear about since that would be hard to take emotionally.
If you can perhaps find an attorney who knows how to get her evaluated for a mental illness prior to a separation than that would be great fuel for you obtaining full custody of your children. Just a thought? Maybe you can hone up on your state's laws in regard to marital law and child custody on line - just erase your footsteps in case she snoops on your computer - Don't want her being more informed or as informed as you will be.
Seeking full child custody is the only way I can see you having what you really want. It sounds like your wife is making your life a living Hell and you really should consider an option of full custody so you don't go insane or worse - spiral into a depressed abyss.
Best of luck.
A personality disorder and/or a mental illness will not prevent mother having 1/2 joint and/or legal custody or even full custody. It depends on what type of personality disorder or mental illness. And having an eval done ahead of divorce won't be accepted by the court. What will happen, if both parents go for full physical and legal custody, is that both parents will be evaluated by court psychologists. Also the children. Then the psychologist(s) make a recommendation to the court (the judge) as to custody arrangements. Sometimes the judge listens. Almost always. But sometimes the judge doesn't listen.
A personality disorder and/or a mental illness will not prevent mother having 1/2 joint and/or legal custody or even full custody. It depends on what type of personality disorder or mental illness. And having an eval done ahead of divorce won't be accepted by the court. What will happen, if both parents go for full physical and legal custody, is that both parents will be evaluated by court psychologists. Also the children. Then the psychologist(s) make a recommendation to the court (the judge) as to custody arrangements. Sometimes the judge listens. Almost always. But sometimes the judge doesn't listen.
And that's what scares me. I don't see why you can't understand that.
And that's what scares me. I don't see why you can't understand that.
I do understand that. What I don't understand is why you let fear rule your life. But since you are, then just stay in your bad situation which is damaging your kids.
You see: you have NO proof right now that there is anything wrong with your wife.
No, let me go back: I worked in divorce court in a big state for 7.5 years. So I can tell you that almost EVERY spouse who wants a divorce thinks his wife/her husband has one or more mental problems. Of course, the spouse who is initiating the divorce -- he/she doesn't have any mental problems, at least none that won't be fixed by getting a divorce. [Get what I'm saying? Like in ALL those years, I NEVER heard a spouse come in and say, "I have some real mental problems, and I know it would be much better for my kids if I divorce my spouse."] Which is why the court has an independent psych evaluation for every member of the family.
And basically all the court is interested in is (1) whether or not a parent can hold down a job and contribute to support (of course, that doesn't include people who have cancer, are double amputees, etc. -- there are some exceptions). (2) The court wants to know that the children have a decent place to live. (3) The court wants to know that a parent is not on illegal drugs and/or is an alcoholic. (4) The court wants to know that a parent is not physically and/or sexually abusing a child. (5) The court wants to know that a parent's SO is not a drug addict, an alcoholic, and is not abusing the kids. (6) The court wants to know that a parent isn't neglecting a child. Oh, and that the kids are attending school regularly.
There was a case in court (I was the clerk) where Mom ran a call girl outfit, out of her home, via phone. But there was NO proof that any of the Johns were ever in the mother's home. The kids were well cared for. Mom passed the psych eval. Mom got joint physical and legal custody. (It was a big case -- it made the news.)
So when it comes to a contentious child custody case -- neither parent ever tells the complete truth. So that's why a psych eval is done (which includes tests that a parent cannot lie their way through -- no matter what. Not only do these tests tell that a person is lying but these tests can tell whether the person is a normal liar (we all lie) and a BIG liar).
My ex and I had counseling before our divorce. My ex chose the counselor -- which I let him do -- and for a week before the first appointment, he told me how she was going to see right away what a sick person I am. I admit I was scared. But when we got into the office, she asked me what I thought the problems were (between my husband and me). I told her. Then she turned to my husband and said, "Since you're at least 50% responsible for the problems between you and your wife, why don't you tell me what you think the problems are." And in the months that my ex and I were with her -- we both got treated fairly. My ex was a good father -- I just couldn't stand living in the same house with him, and our kids were suffering.
Your wife may be ill. I don't know that she isn't ill. But what I do know is this: there's something wrong when a father talks about how he is a very good father and yet won't try to get his kids out of a bad environment. The odds are pretty good -- since all of us have mental and emotional problems to a greater or lesser extent -- that you'll have the children 1/2 the time and your wife 1/2 the time. At least they won't be living in a poisoned environment.
Unless it can be proven that your wife is a danger to your children a judge will likely grant her physical custody and you visitation. Sometimes if the parents live close to each other the child/children will spend half the week with one parent and half the other. What happens more often is the father gets weekend visitation.
Unless it can be proven that your wife is a danger to your children a judge will likely grant her physical custody and you visitation. Sometimes if the parents live close to each other the child/children will spend half the week with one parent and half the other. What happens more often is the father gets weekend visitation.
It USED to be that way, but, for the most part, it's not that way anymore. If mom and dad are decent people, they get joint legal and joint physical custody. IF they want it. A lot of fathers don't want their children 3.5 days out of the week. H, a lot of mothers don't want their children 3.5 days out of 7 either.
A custody dispute costs a lot of money. Usually the parents are sent to Mediation first, unless one parent makes some serious accusations against the other parent. (Hint: work it out in Mediation -- the court does not want a time-consuming custody battle in his/her court. if there are no serious problems.)
And I'm telling you out of 7.5 years of experience: The court favors the parent who is willing to 'give' and who doesn't bad mouth the other parent. Hey, if there are serious problems, which can be documented and proven, a parent needs to speak up. But if it becomes apparent that the custody dispute is just a way for one parent to 'get' the other parent -- ya better watch out. The court didn't fall off the turnip truck this morning.
The Court wants to see that both parents are willing to get along for the sake of the children. And if a parent is not willing to get along in court, the judge knows he/she sure in the H is going to be a lot worse outside the courtroom.
Unless it can be proven that your wife is a danger to your children a judge will likely grant her physical custody and you visitation. Sometimes if the parents live close to each other the child/children will spend half the week with one parent and half the other. What happens more often is the father gets weekend visitation.
And as I have said repeatedly, that is monumentally unfair and sexist, and I. refuse to accept it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
And in the months that my ex and I were with her -- we both got treated fairly. My ex was a good father -- I just couldn't stand living in the same house with him, and our kids were suffering.
