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Old 05-27-2013, 09:48 PM
 
Location: Deep Dirty South
5,192 posts, read 4,149,441 times
Reputation: 3806

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I sincerely want to thank everyone who has responded with such sympathy and care and good advices.

It is impossible for me to imagine getting along in life without my wife. I'd also like to add that she does work; she just makes very little (she has an interview for a far better job tomorrow, so fingers crossed!)

She is a good woman. This didn't become a problem until late last year, around Thanksgiving. A friend of hers got her involved in it.

I'm not trying to make excuses for her; I just love her so deeply. We married less than a month after we met and have been together 17 years. She is my soul mate, my partner in life. We've had many adventures (and misadventures that turned adventurous) together.

I will definitely update things. I do have good insurance (I work for the state and hopefully she will be soon as well) so I am making a doctor's appointment for myself tomorrow and I am going to discuss counseling with her.

Thanks again, Everyone. I will be back on this thread. I just have to crash and hope for a good night's sleep.

All of your words mean so much to me and help more than I can express.
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:13 PM
 
4 posts, read 4,618 times
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I don’t have time to read everyone’s comments so I’m sure I’m repeating some, if not all, things.

First thing you need to do is either go to your doctor and have him put you on a different antidepressant or go to a psychiatrist and get counseling as well as an antidepressant. No that does not mean your weak (like some guys think), it’s human. A lot of people go through a bought or two of depression. I took Effexor XR for a few years because I was slightly depressed and people just aggravated me. It did wonders. Eventually I was able to get off the medication. Keep in mind that the medication can take 4-6 weeks to work. It didn’t take that long for me. Just because Wellbutrin isn’t working, doesn’t mean something else won’t. They have many different antidepressants and each work different for different people. If one doesn’t work, try a different one (after giving it 4-6 weeks to start working). To be honest, as long as you are living the way you are, letting your wife call the shots (to the families ruin), etc…antidepressants probably won’t work. You’re not changing anything that’s bringing you down or making you stressed. Heck if I had to work all those hours and then come home to a wife who blows through the bill money like water because of her addiction, I would be depressed too. Did the depression start before or after all that mess with your wife & job?

Second thing you need to do is realize that depressed people shouldn’t make huge lifestyle changes until they are better. However, sometimes it’s easier to heal yourself when you step back from your problems. That said, I would open your own account w/o your wife and do what it takes to pay your bills and start saving money for your future. If your wife doesn’t like it & leaves, oh well. That is her choice. By you letting her to continue doing what she’s doing, you are enabling her. She will NEVER learn or want to change unless she hits rock bottom with or without you. You will either lose everything you have trying to keep her happy or you can be the responsible adult and make the decisions that need to be made in the family. My aunt and uncle used to live in Los Vegas and she ended up getting really heavy into gambling and almost made them lose everything they had, including the house. My uncle put his foot down and she got help for her addiction. They sold their house and moved back to Indiana. Go to meetings for spouses of gamblers. It will help a lot and will give you an outlet. Addiction is addiction no matter what form (gambling, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc). Until they are ready to break it, you can’t break it for them. It will drain you if you keep trying.

How do I avoid enabling a spouse who is a compulsive gambler?

Third, you probably should change your life insurance to where it is all split between the kids & your wife (or just the kids if you don’t stay together). Otherwise, should something happen to you, your wife would get all the money and gamble it away and your kids wouldn’t benefit at all. I know some life insurance policies won’t take your spouse off once they are added unless they agree and sign a paper. If that’s the case, I would lower how much that one is & open another policy for just your kids as beneficiaries. By the way, most insurance policies have clauses for suicide and your family could end up with nothing. So if that is a thought, get it out of your head now.
Fourth, find another job. If you don’t like your job…keep looking until you do find another one. There is no way you should have to stay at your job if you are unhappy there. Just don’t quit until you have another one to go to, lol. My 24 yr old son hasn’t learned that concept yet. If you don’t like your profession at all, go back to college. You’re never too old. Depending on your income, you may qualify for pell grants, etc. Especially since you have dependents to support. Sometimes people put more stress on themselves that they don’t need to. Is your house too expensive and it’s causing you to have to work like you do? Downsize it. Does your wife work? If not, sell the 2nd car. Start cutting bills that aren’t needed. Do the cell phone plans have data packages? Switch to “dumbphones”. Anything to make it easier on you and your finances.
My husband has arthritis in his back. He has to live with daily pain as well. I personally don’t know how people do it and deal with it. There are programs out there that can help people deal with chronic pain. Just google programs for chronic pain. If you can’t find one in your area, call one and ask for recommendations.

God doesn’t give you more than what you can bear even though it doesn’t seem that way sometimes. You just have to change your mentality and the situations that are going on around you.
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:31 PM
 
4 posts, read 4,618 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by Griffis View Post
I sincerely want to thank everyone who has responded with such sympathy and care and good advices.

It is impossible for me to imagine getting along in life without my wife. I'd also like to add that she does work; she just makes very little (she has an interview for a far better job tomorrow, so fingers crossed!)

She is a good woman. This didn't become a problem until late last year, around Thanksgiving. A friend of hers got her involved in it.

I'm not trying to make excuses for her; I just love her so deeply. We married less than a month after we met and have been together 17 years. She is my soul mate, my partner in life. We've had many adventures (and misadventures that turned adventurous) together.

I will definitely update things. I do have good insurance (I work for the state and hopefully she will be soon as well) so I am making a doctor's appointment for myself tomorrow and I am going to discuss counseling with her.

Thanks again, Everyone. I will be back on this thread. I just have to crash and hope for a good night's sleep.

All of your words mean so much to me and help more than I can express.
If you want to choose to stay with your wife no matter what...definitely take the steps required to make it easier on you and your children w/o enabling her. Open your own bank account and pay the bills yourself. Don't give her a dime since she works a little therefore she has a little bit of money herself. If she can't get by on gambling the amount she makes, that will be an incentive for her to try hard to find a better job. If you split bank accounts and she stays with you, when she does get that better job tell her she has to pay 50% of all the bills and she is to give the money to you. As soon as she gets paid, she is to give you x amount right off the top (before she starts spending). If she can't live that way, tell her she can move out, pay 100% of her own bills herself instead of 50% and see how far her money goes. It's call tough love. Enabling someone is not loving them. You're actually hurting them. The only way people learn is for people to let them learn (sometimes the hard way).
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Old 05-30-2013, 10:49 PM
 
4 posts, read 4,618 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by willow wind View Post
OP:


Just removing some of the financial stress from your life will help with your phsyical pain. Mental stress makes the body tighten up. Tight muscles create pain on top of existing pain. Take the good advice of other posters on how to help with your pain.
Very good point. Stress can do a number on the body and not just with tightening up muscles. It can create a whole host of body ailments, diseases, etc. I have grave's disease. Grave's disease is an autoimmune disease that has stress as a trigger. When I got it, I was under more stress than I had ever been in my life. I had to go on anti-thyroid medications (can mess your liver up & lower white blood cells) and I had to get rid of the stress. I literally had to quit talking to my mom, sister, father and oldest son for a 3 month period in order to reduce the stress (that was were my stress was coming from). Once I got rid of the stress, I was able to bring my thyroid numbers under control, wean myself off the medicine and went into remission within a 9 month period verses years. After that 3 month period, I SLOWLY started reconnecting and speaking with my family again. I was in remission for 5 yrs THEN I decided I was going to get my BA degree online (already had my associates). All was fine & dandy until I had to take Statistics...online...in an accelerated class (6 weeks)...with a horrible book and instructor that wouldn't help people. We all lived on youtube trying to figure out how to work the problems. That class stressed me out so bad, my grave's disease came back. Only I went hypothyroid this time (went on thyroid medication)...then i went hyperthyroid (back on anti-thyroid medication). The class was over, I destressed and I was back in remission within 4 months this time. So I try very hard to not get too stressed out. Stress can affect every single part of your body (fuels cancer cells, shrinks brain mass by reducing gray matter in the regions tied to emotions & physiological functions, premature aging, spurs depressive symptoms, increases risk of chronic diseases, raises stroke risk, stresses out the heart and increases chance of heart attack, weakens immune system, etc).

Commons Signs and Sympotons of Stress | The American Institute of Stress
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Old 06-01-2013, 02:07 AM
 
Location: Deep Dirty South
5,192 posts, read 4,149,441 times
Reputation: 3806
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrhoop5469 View Post
Fourth, find another job. If you donít like your jobÖkeep looking until you do find another one. There is no way you should have to stay at your job if you are unhappy there. Just donít quit until you have another one to go to, lol. My 24 yr old son hasnít learned that concept yet. If you donít like your profession at all, go back to college. Youíre never too old. Depending on your income, you may qualify for pell grants, etc. Especially since you have dependents to support. Sometimes people put more stress on themselves that they donít need to. Is your house too expensive and itís causing you to have to work like you do? Downsize it. Does your wife work? If not, sell the 2nd car. Start cutting bills that arenít needed. Do the cell phone plans have data packages? Switch to ďdumbphonesĒ. Anything to make it easier on you and your finances.
First, I'd like to thank you for taking the time to write such eloquent and substantial responses. Very constructive stuff. With regards to the above paragraph, I just want to say that I have a couple of degrees. My Master's is in Library Science. I really loved working in libraries. I lost my last library job due to economic downtorun an have never found my way back into the field (though I continue to seek and apply for library jobs.)

At any rate, I could certainly undertake another degree, but I'm already in some debt for one I'm not currently utilizing.

My wife has been offered the job I spoke of earlier. It is contingent on a physical she took this morning, but she won't get the results until Monday or Tuesday. We expect everything will be fine and she'll start in a couple of weeks. It will more than triple what she currently makes.

Also, we lost about 98% of our possessions in a flood back in late 2011. Even before that, we livde meagerly. Aside from this new gambling fixation my wife has, we've always been very frugal people, even when we didn't have to be. We don't even have a second car at the moment, though if my wife does get this new job, we will be buying one from my father on the cheap. We'll have to. And we have dumb phones, nothing really extravagant...we do pay for cable and internet, but those are about our only luxuries. I would like it if we could get out of town now and then, but (for reasons that should be clear) we haven't had the extra $$$ to do much of that.

I also highly dislike the town in which we live. It's ugly, has cruddy weather, is massive and too crowded for my tastes. Our house (we rent) is nice, but humble. Not overly pricey. But I know my mindset would improve if we could live in a smaller town or rural area. My wife's job is in a slightly smaller town about 20 minutes away, so assuming I keep my same job, I hope to transfer to a smaller county nearer to where she works. This would make my job far less stressful and get us to an area I believe I would enjoy more and in which I would feel more comfortable.

Quote:
My husband has arthritis in his back. He has to live with daily pain as well. I personally donít know how people do it and deal with it.
Oh my dear. I have my share of pain, and it is distributed throughout my body (sometimes worse in one area than another, which causes me to suspect arthritis is behind some of my pain) but fortunately I thus far haven't had a preponderance of back-related pain, though it hits me at times. I cannot imagine. Back pain is so debilitating. Every move can cause your entire body to be racked with pain. I sincerely sympathize with your husband. Makes me feel like such a silly whiner for complaining about anything when I think of people who are worse off than me in so many ways...real poverty, real illness...

Quote:
God doesnít give you more than what you can bear even though it doesnít seem that way sometimes. You just have to change your mentality and the situations that are going on around you.
This is a wonderful sentiment, and I do not wish to offend you or anyone else, but I do not believe in gods. I realize I could be wrong, but I do not default to the belief in them. I am glad belief offers solace and comfort to others, however, and I respect the beliefs of others.
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Old 06-01-2013, 07:54 PM
 
265 posts, read 324,262 times
Reputation: 267
You are a whiner. You're married with kids so I think you should go talk it out with whoever you gotta talk it out with because living isn't just for yourself anymore. Essentially, your happiness is only part of the pie when you have a family. As to offering you eye opening advice on the beauties of life or living, I have none to offer. The world is bleak. What we usually concern ourselves with is just the thin crust of our immediate surroundings. Seriously, the depth and depravity on Earth is astonishing. The point is that it's just like you said: you're better off than BILLIONS of people world-wide. Try and gleam a little happiness form the fact you're not starving, in a war torn country, and have your human rights. Perspective. Talking. Pie. Live.

Don't matter how badly or whatever. Live.
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Old 06-02-2013, 05:52 PM
 
Location: OC, CA
9,860 posts, read 13,095,761 times
Reputation: 8725
Quote:
Originally Posted by Griffis View Post
Forgive me. I haven't posted on this part of the forum before.

I feel like such a whiner. I know I have a good life; I'm just finding it hard to get through the days anymore. Sometimes it's not a matter of getting through the day, but getting through the next 15 minutes.

Often, every little thing seems to take so much effort. I feel constantly exhausted.

I have a decent place to live, a wonderful wife, two amazing teen daughters and a grown stepson. I realize this makes me a very lucky man, and even though we live paycheck-to-paycheck, we are better off than most people in the world.

But I feel increasingly out of control of my emotions and everything that is going on around me.

We recently moved back to our home state after several years away. It's good to be back, but we settled in a huge metro area that I can't stand. I used to love city life, but now the crush of people, traffic, noise, the hectic pace, etc. are really getting on my head. We have plans to move to a smaller town or more rural area soon, but I don't know how long it may take.

I feel my job is important in the community, but it is very stressful and I frequently end up having to work 12 hour days (I do not get overtime for this.)

One contributing factor is my pain. I had a terrible accident about 3 years back that wrecked the right side of my body. I can still walk, fortunately, but I haven't been pain-free since. Doctors have wanted me to start walking with a cane (I won't do it) or taking prescription painkillers (I cant function on them) but I just grin and bear it or maybe take some ibuprofen or acitomenophen here and there. It makes me so tired all the time just to not feel good.

Another thing is that my wife, who I love dearly, has become addicted to gambling. It seems to be the only thing that brings her enjoyment anymore. But it is bringing us to financial ruin. We barely make it as it is, and then every time I get paid she sneaks off to some casino and it's not unusual for us to lose $400-$600 per check, which we CAN NOT afford in any way. Any time I bring up the fact that this is a problem it starts a fight. She gets quite mad even if I am trying to be reasonable or show her how big a problem this has become.

I want to stress that my wife truly is a beautiful, wonderful human being. She has just developed this problem. If you had told me a few years ago this would be an issue in our lives, I would have thought you were crazy. But now she is sneaking around, hiding money, trying to hide gambling losses, etc. She then gets upset when we don't have enough money to go on little trips or a weekend getaway to somewhere pretty, or even to buy food and gas when we need it, and looks to me as if to say "Well, we need money. How are we going to make it? What are we going to do? You'd better come up with something." I have already pawned and lost everything I owned that had any value. I don' know what to do. She can't help it. It's beyond her control, but she apparently has no intention of stopping.

Also, my stepson and his family live 30 minutes down the road in a nearby town and for some reason every chance they get they want to spend the night at our place. They have a perfectly good apartment. To me this is strange. When I was 23 I didn't have a family of my own yet, but regardless, the last thing I would have wanted to do is spend the night at my parents' house. Moreover, he and his SO get into arguments very often and he has had a hard time holding down a job, so I feel as if there is a push there, or that there is some kind of inevitable outcome in which he, or perhaps him along with his SO and their son, will end up having to live with us in our small home, which will also bring us to financial ruin.

On top of that, my stepson also is addicted to going to casinos. He also spends (and most often loses) money they do not have. So nearly every month my wife gives him money to help them out, but that money more often than not ends up being lost at a casino. I'm not willing to subsidize my stepson's gambling, but all of the money shenanigans happen while I am at work.

I have told my wife that--in order to protect the whole family and try to get by month to month--I need to open a separate account that only I have access to. My wife says she will leave me if I do that.

I just don't know what to do any more. I remember being carefree in life, not really feeling stress. But the last few years I seem to have lost all zest for life. There are days when I literally hope to be the victim of a drive-by shooting. I at least have excellent life insurance, so my family won't be destitiute. In fact I am worth so much more dead than alive it's pathetic.

All I see ahead for me is endless work that I don't enjoy and which takes a big emotional and physical toll, constant stress about finances, my wife clearly being unhappy with me not knowing how to help, and expending all my energy just trying to move through each day like a zombie.

It seems so absurd and pointless. I'm not sure it's worth it. I reckon everyone would be better off if I was gone.

PS-- I have been on Welbutrin for a while. Doesn't seem to do squat for me.

I am sorry for the long rant. It feels better to get some of this off my chest. There is nobody I can talk to about it. Thank you all for the free therapy session!
Apologies if this was already posted, but I caught your post on the way out and it spoke to me so let me try to communicate with you. Addiction runs in families so it's no surprise that your wife and son are gambling addicts. If you haven't already you really need a therapist who has dealt with multi generationl addiction. Because I bet if you go back on your wife's family tree there are other addicts. Their addiction may have manifested itself into drugs or alcohol instead of gambling. When people get stressed they look for coping mechanisms and sometimes they chose bad ones esp. if they are predisposed to addiction.

I have a close family friend who is bipolar, I am not even suggesting any of you are by any means, and that person is a functional addict. She can work but must self medicate with drugs and alcohol to sleep. Guess what her Mom is in AA for 30 years, but still is a compulsive spender and a gambling addict. The Grandfather was the town drunk, but in the 50's people didn't talk about that.

You need to set some boundaries because they are being trampled on. I would explain to your adult children that they need to ask before inviting themselves over, and right now you need some personal space. I would explain to your wife that your family desperately needs counseling and you are so depressed you are losing the will to live. Just saying that should change the dynamic right there and if it doesn't then you need to stop and re-evaluate your entire situation. Maybe you are better than you think you are and these people are leeching off you and bringing you down.

BTW I agree with the other poster you wife if bluffing. Cut her money off if you don't you are just enabling her bad behavior. As mentioned what's she going to do shack up with her son?

Lastly try acupuncture it works for pain for a lot of folks, but is typically not covered by insurance.

I wish you more peace and karma
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