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I have put a lot of time and energy over many years and never have found the key for dealing with this toxic, negative behavior. I just keep my distance which is really sad because she is so very lonely and one of her many complaints is how ungrateful her children are that they never visit. She has made many threats to disinherit my brother and me because we are such bad children to her, but even a phone call is so very exhausting. Redirection to another topic just gives her another thing to complain about. Trying to find humor enrages her
My only unfortunate solution is avoidance. It's very sad.
Actually I had a similar situation that required the same solution. The worst part is the person was multiple faced and actually convinced others I was a bad guy! (For instance if everyone who talked to your mother thought you were obviously the problem because you were ungrateful and never visit).
So not only did I have to strictly avoid this person, I had to disagree with everyone I knew on the matter as if I was schizophrenic. Only a select few got glimpses of what I was talking about... It normally took explaining the situation over a wide spread scale of time because the person was an artist. And when I would explain the particularly bad events they were normally too severe for people to believe. So that mixed with being able to absorb the events over a long period of time, most people can't juggle that many balls in their head at once or suspend their disbelief long enough to process the matter, so they just evaluate the situation on a simpler metric... IE how nice that person was to them the last time they met.
These people have what I call a "negativity bias", meaning they are either wired to see the negative or they have made a choice to look for the negative. They tend to see the world and a threatening place in the sense that they defensively look for the bad in everything.modten they see themselves as victims.
The person can change this, there is clear academic research that supports this. Specific exercises (mental not physical) can be done and over time a person will shift their bias.
The best thing you can do is limit your time with them, they are exhausting and will suck the life out of you.
So true. Limit your time with them. I have some family members and a few friends like this, and they drain me if I spend too much time with them. When I do hang out with 'em, they laugh bitterly at me, calling me a naïve Pollyanna if I smile or say something positive.
I agree. For some people it is very difficult to move past events in life. Some people think of only bitter events in their life and have a difficult time coming to grips with them. They say that "regret" is a bitter pill. Or a perceived or real wrong that is hard to reconcile. I try not to dwell on these things with people whether it be theirs or mine. Sometimes you have to deflect/redirect and if that doesn't work, I try to steer clear. My talking with them is only making them more bitter/angry.
This is just like my Mother as well. She was abused as a child I understand that. She is also physically disabled by crippling diabetes and multiple amputations. And the older she gets the more the disabilities and abuse seems to take over her life. She has become a bitter, angry, hateful person to everybody around - except her 2 granddaughters. She says that I am abusive, neglectful, disgraceful, self righteous, etc to my daughter and others. She believes that I have fooled anybody that likes me or wants anything to do with me and once they see the truth they will see what I really am. She has no qualms insulting me or my daughters father in front of my daughter - and to my daughter (my daughter is 8). She teaches my daughter to keep secrets from me. She discusses adult matters with me daughter that my daughter doesn't understand - but will stress over when she comes to her own conclusions about what it is or what it might be. She repeatedly throws every part of my life that she believes is a mistake in my face as if its something to be ashamed about. From my sex life to me attending a tech school vs a 4 year university. Im not genuinely offended by these facts - Im offended by the fact that shes deliberately trying to hurt me and doing it in front of my daughter. She also believes every time I punish my daughter I am only doing it to hurt her (hurt my mother), not because my daughter has done something wrong or inexcusable but just to be spiteful. I do spank (by spank I mean using an open hand on my daughters rear end, 2 swats on her panty and pants covers butt. BTW - I also have carpal tunnel and tendentious in my hands and elbows so its not like I can actually give real spanking if I wanted to), give time outs, early bed times, take away activities, toys, tv, etc depending on the wrong doing. But it doesn't matter what my daughter has done - my mother will contradict me every single time. My daughter and I have returned to the church I grew up in. In doing this I have found a peace that I was missing and a security in knowing that my daughter is growing spiritually. But now everytime I do something my mother doesn't like she says something along the lines of "Well aren't you just the all time Christian!" or "That's what a real Christian does!". Its like shes offended that I returned to our family church! The biggest problem here - is that I live with my parents. Ive been apartment hunting for weeks now but there isn't too much in my budget (Im also job / second job hunting) to get us out. Ive gone to my church leaders for assistance. I don't qualify for state assistance and my daughters father is already assisting. I don't want to cut ties as my daughter and my mother are very close. My mother and I used to be pretty close. But I feel shes become toxic and is becoming more and more harmful to me and my daughters emotional and mental health.
I tried everything, there really was nothing I tried that made a difference. Example: He came back from a 9 month deployment and while everybody else got out of the plane smiling from ear to ear, he was moody bec they landed half an hour late. On the way home he was annoyed by a bicylce rider who was a little too much in the middle of the street.
We were the sad looking couple sitting in the corner at a party, leaving early cuz he got bored. He was disappointed nobody talked to him but if somebody dared to talk to him, he didn't say much or walked off. They didn't play exactly the few songs he liked and they didn't serve exactly the booze he liked, so the whole party was ruined for him. There was ALWAYS some reason to feel miserable.
It is impossible to be happy around such a person. Just stay away or they will drag you down with them.
people just get jaded over time, it is not unheard of. not everyone can live a life that is absent of major tragedies(or nearly). likewise, not everyone can deal with these life events and move on. it takes a toll on people. chances are, these people aren't asking you to be their friend anyway and wanna stay as far away from others as possible. unless, of course, they are a sociopath.
I call this "victim mentality". Nothing is their fault. Usually that's followed by the word "ever".
Alcoholics nearly always have this trait. Alcoholism has been discussed in depth in earlier threads, but quite commonly, they will hurt someone close to them badly or do something awful, but then twist things around, make an excuse for their bad actions, and then try and blame you for what they have done. For those on the receiving end this can be emotionally exhausting, and over time, leave them feeling drained.
As one grows older, one can easily experience crushed dreams and crushed hopes.
They feel that their ship has sailed. And that it's too late to recoup or capture some positive happenings in life.
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Trying to find humor enrages her 
