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Glad I'm not alone in this. I learned long ago to just say "thank you" and not follow it up with a self-degrading remark. Granted, the remark is said in my head. I know I have low self-esteem. Compliments make me feel good, then I get uncomfortable, like someone else said, that they'll find out I'm really a fraud.
Truly, the ones I love (said sarcastically) the most are the, "OMG, you've lost so much weight, you look great!!" I so always want to say, "and what was I before? fat and ugly?"
Truly, the ones I love (said sarcastically) the most are the, "OMG, you've lost so much weight, you look great!!" I so always want to say, "and what was I before? fat and ugly?"
Lol ... around 15 years ago I lost a good deal of weight and I noticed that I was treated much more respectfully and deferentially, both in personal and professional settings. In other words I hadn't realized how much I had been silently judged.
When I realized this I was so P.O.'d that I turned it into a motivation to keep the weight off: "I'm never going to give those shallow twits an excuse to judge me ever again!"
Not being able to accept a compliment is considered by most people to be a very disagreeable trait. I know when I compliment someone I am always baffled when they can't respond with a very simple "thank you!"
For all of you who have issues with this, wouldn't it help to just rehearse getting a compliment and just automatically responding with, "thank you." No further elaboration is necessary.
Just last week I complimented a student of mine on her beautiful blue eyes. I found it incomprehensible when she said, "Oh, they're nothing. I think they're ugly." She's just advertising her poor social skills and poor self-esteem. Sad. It's not that hard to just say "thank you," and accept the compliment with grace.
Not being able to accept a compliment is considered by most people to be a very disagreeable trait. I know when I compliment someone I am always baffled when they can't respond with a very simple "thank you!"
For all of you who have issues with this, wouldn't it help to just rehearse getting a compliment and just automatically responding with, "thank you." No further elaboration is necessary.
Just last week I complimented a student of mine on her beautiful blue eyes. I found it incomprehensible when she said, "Oh, they're nothing. I think they're ugly." She's just advertising her poor social skills and poor self-esteem. Sad. It's not that hard to just say "thank you," and accept the compliment with grace.
Uh, be careful about complimenting a student on her beautiful eyes.... hmmmmm.
As far as it being a disagreeable trait, I was raised in a culture where people did not take compliments or really even give them, so I am always unsure how to react, especially if compliments are over the top. There seems to be pressure to meld into whatever the complimenter's expectation is-- like we should all be so bowled over by the flattery that we just gush THANK YOU and melt in a big puddle. No thanks.
Not being able to accept a compliment is considered by most people to be a very disagreeable trait. I know when I compliment someone I am always baffled when they can't respond with a very simple "thank you!"
For all of you who have issues with this, wouldn't it help to just rehearse getting a compliment and just automatically responding with, "thank you." No further elaboration is necessary.
Just last week I complimented a student of mine on her beautiful blue eyes. I found it incomprehensible when she said, "Oh, they're nothing. I think they're ugly." She's just advertising her poor social skills and poor self-esteem. Sad. It's not that hard to just say "thank you," and accept the compliment with grace.
I find that many people compliment others just to become armchair psychologists. Most compliments from these people tend to be insincere. They are just empty words looking for a reaction.
I think if a compliment is sincere, people shouldn't care for the reaction or expect a "thank you for testing my self esteem" It's just a statement, not a psychological test. Giving a compliment does not give anybody a PhD in psychology.
If they don't agree with the compliment, I don't see what the big deal is. Let people do whatever they want if they are not hurting others. I don't think we should be controlling other's opinions and telling them how to react like if we were their bosses.
Uh, be careful about complimenting a student on her beautiful eyes.... hmmmmm.
As far as it being a disagreeable trait, I was raised in a culture where people did not take compliments or really even give them, so I am always unsure how to react, especially if compliments are over the top. There seems to be pressure to meld into whatever the complimenter's expectation is-- like we should all be so bowled over by the flattery that we just gush THANK YOU and melt in a big puddle. No thanks.
Yes complimenting is cultural. In many countries you just don't compliment unless you really feel it needs to be stated and if you do a "thank you" it's not expected. To me it makes more sense that giving and expecting something in return. Some Americans just expect a thank you but others expect a full psychological evaluation.
Agree. I've struggled with this my whole life. Part of it has to do with having a critical, narcissistic Mother. Nothing was ever good enough, so I grew up believing I wasn't good enough. My adult relationships just reinforced this belief as women left me or rejected me. I don't know if it will ever change for me. As a result of all of this, I'm a perfectionist who hates making mistakes and doesn't take risks. Not a fun life.
Uh oh - I think I am married to you...
It is not a fun life, nor is it easy to be in a relationship with your sort because even sincere compliments are discarded so the compliment giver can walk away feeling as if her opinion is worthless too. Too much back and forth like this makes both people feel worthless.
Why is it important that people "take" a compliment?
To be perfectly honest, I feel that 99% of the time a "compliment" is really just an attempt to get something out of the other person-- to flatter and butter them up. This could be innocuous, such as the daily give and take in a healthy relationship, or more sinister if someone is trying to smooth you over before doing something negative to you. Feedback is totally different-- this, to me, is an honest assesment of how someone is doing, behaving, appearing, etc. If I say "You really did a good job in X situation" to someone at work, that is not taken as a compliment, but as feedback.
But really, why do we need compliments? If they make a person uncomfortable, why foist it on them? Why is it that person's fault if they don't like hearing them? Just a sincere question...
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