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Calm down. This thread was begun by someone seeking info on her particular family dynamic & posters have commented on the situations surrounding their lives. You can contribute to this one & do the same.
Women tend to think of every man as their last chance. If the man agrees "I am your last chance," it's likely to never occur to her to question it.
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Originally Posted by lilyflower3191981
so true! My sister told us many times, "My husband is my only hope." as if she has cancer, and he is the magical cure!
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Originally Posted by sade693
When I was in an abusive relationship I stuck around because I truly believed that the abuser was the only man who could love me. At the time I had very low self-esteem and was desperate for any kind of an intimate connection with another person.
All of this is true. Most women want to be loved, to have someone, or even to be married. Yes, I know, not ALL, you don't have to jump up and say "Not ME" if you're one of the women who doesn't care if she's alone from the get-go, but most women, I believe, do dream of having someone love them and maybe even to get married, even the ones that are not attractive. I sometimes think that normal, attractive people look at the rest of us and think on some level that we shouldn't want what they take for granted because we aren't good-looking, but believe me, we feel the same way inside that you do. We wanted to be loved just like you did.
The difference is that some people have choices, and some of us do not. Nobody normal ever wanted to date me. The only time I ever found I had a chance to get some guy's attention when I was young was when I discovered bars--with alcoholics in them. They are not as picky, or so it seems. What I know now is more realistic is that they can easily spot someone who will put up with what a normal woman never would put up with because we're just so happy that someone is paying us some attention. They can use us and be abusive and we take it because we know this is our only chance for the marriage and children that everyone else gets just by snapping their fingers, and so we lie to ourselves and tell ourselves that we can change him and fix things and that someday everything will be better.
But it never gets better. It gets worse. Only when we decide we're not going to take the abuse anymore does anything change--but then we're also accepting the fact that we will be alone now. But it's OK, because alone is better than being abused. A lesson learned very late by many like me.
One day, out of the blue, when my kids were 10, 8, 6, and 4, I realized with horror that my boys were going to grow up to be like their dad, and my girls were going to marry men like their dad - unless I took a stand for something different.
That was IT. Within one week, I filed for divorce.
I'm glad you were able to get out and I hope your kids didn't learn Dad's bad habits. Ugh. Kids are way more aware than we give them credit for.
I'm glad you were able to get out and I hope your kids didn't learn Dad's bad habits. Ugh. Kids are way more aware than we give them credit for.
My girls are my oldests and my boys are the youngests. My girls definitely benefited from my mistakes and then my correction, and they both married TERRIFIC guys with not a hint of controlling, abusive behaviors, thank goodness. Both are terrific dads as well.
Out of my boys, I have one (the youngest) who LOVES women and respects them very deeply. I think he will make a good dad one day. My oldest son is the most like his dad, unfortunately. He just got married, and I hate to say it, but I see some of his dad's tendencies in my son. My daughters and I have talked a lot with him about this, and to his credit, he sees the same things himself and is sort of horrified by it. I am glad he can recognize it. (I don't think he would ever actually hit a woman or physically abuse a woman, or kids either for that matter, but I see some of the controlling, jealous ways in him and that's what concerns me.) Thank goodness he recognizes his dad's traits, and really dislikes those, and WANTS to change. He really, really, really doesn't want to be like his dad. So...we'll see. I am praying for him HARD.
My girls are my oldests and my boys are the youngests. My girls definitely benefited from my mistakes and then my correction, and they both married TERRIFIC guys with not a hint of controlling, abusive behaviors, thank goodness. Both are terrific dads as well.
Out of my boys, I have one (the youngest) who LOVES women and respects them very deeply. I think he will make a good dad one day. My oldest son is the most like his dad, unfortunately. He just got married, and I hate to say it, but I see some of his dad's tendencies in my son. My daughters and I have talked a lot with him about this, and to his credit, he sees the same things himself and is sort of horrified by it. I am glad he can recognize it. (I don't think he would ever actually hit a woman or physically abuse a woman, or kids either for that matter, but I see some of the controlling, jealous ways in him and that's what concerns me.) Thank goodness he recognizes his dad's traits, and really dislikes those, and WANTS to change. He really, really, really doesn't want to be like his dad. So...we'll see. I am praying for him HARD.
I love it when things turn out good. I mean, even for the son that has dad's tendencies. The fact that he is disgusted by them and recognizes it and wants to change it.....it's the biggest step to changing, so that's great. Fingers crossed that he gets it. Just an FYI, from what I know, control/jealousy is usually a trust issue. If he trusted the woman he's with, he may have those issues, but they won't be that strong, or maybe non-existent. My BF and I lack trust for pretty much everyone but each other. In the past, we've both had issues with that too. But because we actually trust one another, we don't have those issues, pretty much at all. Just thought I'd throw it out there.
I love it when things turn out good. I mean, even for the son that has dad's tendencies. The fact that he is disgusted by them and recognizes it and wants to change it.....it's the biggest step to changing, so that's great. Fingers crossed that he gets it. Just an FYI, from what I know, control/jealousy is usually a trust issue. If he trusted the woman he's with, he may have those issues, but they won't be that strong, or maybe non-existent. My BF and I lack trust for pretty much everyone but each other. In the past, we've both had issues with that too. But because we actually trust one another, we don't have those issues, pretty much at all. Just thought I'd throw it out there.
Just an FYI, from what I know, control/jealousy is usually a trust issue..
I wonder if this is true for women too. My sister is not controlling but she is a very jealous person. She certainly doesn't trust her husband, that is not news. However, I think her being jealous has a lot to do with low self esteem.
I wonder if this is true for women too. My sister is not controlling but she is a very jealous person. She certainly doesn't trust her husband, that is not news. However, I think her being jealous has a lot to do with low self esteem.
She's probably jealous because he's cheated that's a valid jealousy I think she was talking about unfounded jealousy.
I've been in two physically abusive relationships. Both guys were much bigger and stronger than me. The first guy was worse, I was with him for 5 years. He was paranoidly jealous and would interrogate me about my past boyfriends. If he thought I was lying or didn't like an answer he would smack me. At least 3 times I seriously feared for my life. One time while he was recklessly driving my car around, two other times he was in a rage over being jealous over someone, and was hitting me and interrogating me with questions. He was extremely possessive and controlling, he tried to control what I wore, what I watched on tv, who I talked to. It was the classic abuse situation. I had to move back home with my parents to get away from him. I didn't have a job or my own money at that time. He tried to keep my possessions even when I called the police he told them my digital camera i.e. was his, and he wouldn't let me take it. He stalked me for awhile, one time driving 70 miles to my parents house and waiting outside, while I was on a date with another guy. I was terrified of him. If he wanted to talk to me, I had to insist it being in a public place. I was too scared to be alone with him. I knew how he loses control of himself and he's so strong it would be so easy for him to kill me. We still talk now and then but he has a serious girlfriend and haven't seen him in person is probably 5 years.
The second guy slapped my face a lot and called me names and checked my phone and made me keep it on while I was with him and threatened to kill me if I cheated and kill the other guy if another guy called me, etc.
Why did I stay with these guys? I'm a victim of every kind of childhood abuse, and I've come to equate abuse with love. If a guy doesn't abuse me, it seems like something is missing, and I get bored. When a guy abuses me, it feels good and I feel like we have an intense, passionate relationship. Its exciting. I know its unhealthy and now I've vowed to stay out of these relationships.
Usually because they were raised in an abuse home of some type, that is almost always the core reason. Very few women who grow up with great Dads get into these relationships.
Many women who were abused can't bond with non abusers, science thinks its genetic after three generations. They have to chose not to have relationships. Be nicer to spinsters and loners, you never know why they chose to be that way.
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