People who can't disagree without getting upset

[JerZ]

See now, I think there's usually something behind this. I think there's often an explanation. It's still not a good excuse to behave badly but I can see the other side to so many of the gobsmacked 'why did s/he get mad?' stories listed here.

Like the one about the people in the parking lot being loud...and the coworker really wanted to be heard, and she wanted it to stop, and the fellow just sort of gave it a shrug and a "meh" style "I didn't notice" answer almost with the implication being, "Meh, maybe you're overreacting." (That IS the implication, whether that was the meaning or not.) Well, the woman was already incredibly frustrated and needed so badly to be heard. She got a shrug, a total dismissal (in her view). So she blew up because she was already just "that" upset, then she was basically told in one simple sentence that meh...whatevs. I mean I can see becoming even more upset because of that.

Or the man whose wife engages him in ridiculous pettiness. To me that just screams "give me a reaction, RESPOND to me, don't act like I'm a ghost, I will make you notice me, I am all alone, please please please please...won't you notice me? Just this once? No? Okay, then I'll MAKE you keep paying attention to me." Again, not a good excuse, per se, for bad behavior but...I mean I've seen this. I've seen it in action like a gazillion times. So although this might not be the case that's just what immediately jumped into my head.

Or the one poster who says other people get mad over ridiculous stuff but he gets mad (actually mad, actually angry) if someone makes a mistake, like Halloween being in November. That's okay? To actually be mad about that? But it's the other person who's nutty? Huh? How can being mad at someone being wrong be totally fine but if someone else does it...well, PSYCHO, cuckoo, get the net? Is it because it's only okay when *I* get upset over a disagreement even though that's a ridiculous reaction, but it's not okay if *you* do it...'cause you're not me? That's sure how it came off. KWIM?

IMHO, usually people get mad at disagreements either if 1. they have had incredibly dire consequences for being "wrong" in the past, especially as children and especially if it were ongoing - ergo, being right literally feels like life or death; 2. the argument is something they're seriously afraid of being wrong about (i.e. the "ghost" argument someone here cited); or 3. they feel unhappy in general with the person, can't quite pinpoint why, and therefore, they would literally argue that the sky is purple polka-dotted just to disagree.

You know what else isn't rare at all? And let's all just come right out and admit that we've either had seen this, had it done to us, did it to someone else, or all three. The person who is actually enjoying being the "in control" one standing there with wide eyes watching the person we quietly resent, getting all up in arms over a disagreement because there you go, that's proof that I'm the one in control; S/HE'S the one who's "wrong." Not uncommon at all and sometimes it's actually even intended to get the arguer into more of a tizzy. There can be a million reasons for this and it's actually pretty cruel, no matter how immature the arguer is being. It's gaslighting, basically. Some people love to push buttons subtly so that they look like victims. Let's be real, that's a "thing." It happens.

There can be other reasons...sometimes it's superiority, for example...but I feel like the above three are what I've seen the most, and personally experienced the most, and even done. And yeah. There was always a reason. There was ALWAYS something deeper. It wasn't "JerZ is psychotic and so mean" and OTOH when it was done to me I could see that side to it too, once I was rational. Whether I "meant" it or not, I could see how it was interpreted. It wasn't the other person being a total jerk and just argumentative because it's fun to be argumentative.

I'm not putting the blame on the victim but I think often, apparently "useless" arguing is actually kind of symbiotic. There's a trigger or it's a pattern.

My MIL is one example of this. She HAS to be right and if she can't be proven right she will literally eventually wind up in tears and it's scary...it's like she's a child again. Trembling lip, everything. She looks SCARED. Frightened. Like everyone will leave her, nobody will love her anymore because she was wrong about the name of some stupid song from 30 years ago or some other totally insignificant thing. But I happen to know she always felt unloved by her parents...in favor of her sister. The only thing she did or said "better" or in a more lovable way - according to her parents - was in being the older one who knew more. To this day she literally has a deathly fear deep, deep down of that love just being yanked away if she isn't the "smarter" one...you can tell that's what's going on just talking to her...it's way more evident now as she is getting much older, somehow. The whole thing just clicked for me one day and it all made sense. I'd rather be able to still give the childish, simplistic, smug answer that I'm soooo calm and she's just soooo unhinged and "has to" be right "for no reason at all, she's just psycho" but I can't. That's the easy way out. Actually understanding it and even more, actually having some sympathy for it, is the harder thing to do.

Just my $0.02.

[Jowel]

You don't have to go far to find examples of this :

http://www.city-data.com/forum/polit...controversies/

[nobodysbusiness]

At this moment, this post has had in excess of 20,000 views!

[animalcrazy]

Sigh. I have only one friend who is a Trump voter that I can talk to about politics. He's reasonable and listens before offering an intelligent opinion. My husband and I argue about Trump a lot. He tells me to stop being so bipartisan and I tell him he suffers from Trump derangement syndrome. He see's nothing good about Trump while I see a couple of things good about Trump. The banter goes back and forth until he says something like stop giving me your fake news which makes us both laugh.

I just don't understand how mature people can be on opposite sides of the fence and not have an unemotional conversation. Our dear friend is always going off on our local politicians about the mismanagement and corruption, yet, when it comes to Trump and the corruption? That's just fine with him. Why? We got into a back and forth about Pruitt and the corruption in this presidency. His counter was about Stormy Daniels and how law suits are settled that might not necessarily be true. I acknowledged that yes there is that but Trump just paid out 25 million for defrauding his students at Trump university. His response was "stop drinking the Koolaid and enjoy the good economy." My response was so Trump changed the economy in one year? How is one man responsible for such a complex international environment? I also said if that was the case then isn't Trump responsible for the more than 2000 drop in the DOW? I told him to read about Trump's many mob connections and that I thought he was mafia. No answer. Just a huff and walk away. I guess people just don't like to be wrong and can't handle it like adults? Well except for my skating partner. He's 80 and very wise. I love talking to him about politics. He's not an emotional thinker.

[JerZ]

^ Oh, well, politics, yeah...that can be very VERY button-push-y. If there's any place two people can show their ugliest sides - even if they're generally really nice people - that's where.