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Old 06-08-2012, 04:29 PM
Location: Pluto's Home Town
9,995 posts, read 11,239,890 times
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Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
its not a mental illness. mental illness is when u have a few fruits fall off the tree, when all the fruits fall off at the same time, nobody notices.
. not taking personal responsibility for your own life is nationwide and is a deep rooted cancer spreading for the last 50 years.
Agreed. Didn't the Nazis prove that it was dangerous?

Talk radio seems to cultivated this mentality, IMO.
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Old 06-14-2012, 09:44 PM
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Default Dave_n_Tenesse

Dear Dave,

I really am struggling with my husband. I desperatly would like to have a Christian perspective, (as I am also) but my husband and I have had 6 years of going around this same bush of me trying to understand why he doesn't seem to value work or to go to work. ANd when I looked at this post in fact I tried to talk to him so that I could unerstand why he didn't feel like going to work today. You said that I should respect him, but I try annd yet I guess I may not be doing the job because he's still yet to be activly seeking work that is beyond a dead end job that he is blessed to have 16 hours a week if he's lucky. I really need and would like to discuss this matter with a man who is understanding of these metters because I'm really tired and confussed as why he's like this and how to look at this. I have some Christian people say to leave because he's abandoning his responsibilites and others who say to stay and have faith, but how do I put that faith into practice. ANd how do I deal with him blaming when I do have a legitimate point to point out to him.... because to me respect to him I think means to never question him. I will note I have been working on a business plan so that I don't have to worry about what he chooses,a s far as work,b ut yet he feels my place is at home!!!! Please pray and I really thank you for your godly perspective on this.

Originally Posted by Dave_n_Tenn View Post
I'd like to add a Judeo-Christian perspective. I am not claiming to have a monopoly on this matter, but... there is value in differing views and accounts.

Most have heard about the Biblical account of creation. In regard to the OP, the original act of blaming took place in the garden.

So it began...... and then the "original" blaming took place. Notice how Adam cleverly says "the woman who YOU gave me". He blames everyone. He blames God for giving him the woman and blames the woman for giving him the fruit. The ole "double whammy". Adam takes no responsibility and feels he isn't accountable to anyone. Hmmmm.... it seems the only thing that was not blamed was the tree! Notice what Eve says... the serpent tricked me, and she is being totally upfront and honest. She was duped.

Now... how does this manifest in todays world? The depravity of man continues, so we continue to be blamers. It is our nature, and has been forever. The good news is, in spite of ourselves we can: 1) mature, 2) be accountable , 3) take responsiblity.

Men have egos like Christmas ornaments... very fragile. Our very nature is towards "self-esteeming". We build ourselves into something we can never live up to and compare all others to our own self edifying perfection. All will fail in comparison to our falsely perceived strength. To protect this self imagery we blame others when we fail...... after all, the logic is ; "perfection has no faults". Maturity reveals our imperfections, accountability creates external support, and responsibility develops strategic thinking.

What cultivates and thereby causes men to move towards maturity, accountability, responsibility? in relationships? Very simply... respect. There is no greater motivation in a man's life than respect. Respect is like bubble wrap for that giant Christmas ornament we carry around. Respect is fertile ground for an outpouring of love. Respect allows our failures to land in the ''need to improve" bin, rather than the "dumb as a bag of rocks" trash. Respect does for a man what loves does for a woman. Men are needy when it comes to respect and consequently, what woman does not want to feel unconditional love?

It is not uncommon to hear women say " I still love him, but I don't have any respect for him"..... might-as-well end it now, and drive a stake through his heart. Men say things like " your a good wife and mother but I could never love you again".... her heart is just been trampled on, ripped from her chest. We are incredibly good at denying the very things that motivate us towards good relationships... and part of growing is giving what the other so desperately needs. Does the farmer who plants the seed need to tell the seed what to do? of course not, What farmer does not cultivate the ground for the seed to grow? they all do ........... if they want to reap a bountiful harvest. .... and who doesn't want that?

just another way to see...........
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Old 06-16-2012, 01:52 AM
Location: California
313 posts, read 489,894 times
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I live with someone like this. There is always a problem. Rather than focusing on solving the problems in a kind and gentle manner there is always someone to point a finger at and condemn. Oddly, enough I think it's a sickness in the brain (a delusion).
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Old 06-16-2012, 06:56 AM
Location: Southwest Desert
4,166 posts, read 5,178,045 times
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What do religions basically teach us? That we're going to get punished for "being bad" and making mistakes...Who gets to heaven? Super-human and "saintly" people who act "perfect" most of the time...We're taught that we can "redeem" ourselves but after we go through our "redemption" we better make sure that we don't make any more mistakes! Or else!...People blame others so they won't have to admit to "screwing-up" and making any mistakes... People blame others to avoid being shamed or lectured and punished...We live in a "pass the buck" (if you can) type of society...Pick-out a few scapegoats and blame everything on them! Make them the "root of all evil" and pretend to be "lily white" and "pure" and "perfect" at all times! (To avoid being shamed and blamed yourself!)...Nothing is going to change until we reexamine our thinking and beliefs about mistakes and what it means to be human!
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Old 06-16-2012, 08:23 PM
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Sometimes there are situations where blame can be compartmentalized.

I know of a case where a girl was put on a "treadmill." She had good genes, so she was extremely bright to begin with. It went from valedictorian, to high honors at a great college, to high rank in law school, to pass the bar, and ...

I believe that her parents were responsible for creating that environment to overachieve. I don't believe she held these goals to be as valuable as her parents did. However, whatever she chooses to do later is completely up to her. However, her parents created the underpinnings for the situation.

There are a lot of parents who condition their approval of their children on reaching certain specific professional milestones. People need to be who they are, and not who their parents want them to be.
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Old 06-18-2012, 10:46 AM
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My dad is a "blamer", he flips out about ANYTHING and it is always my moms fault. He sounds insane blaming my mom for the most random crap! She is just as annoying, because she becomes upset, emotional and takes the blame easily...SO basically they fuel each other!

I think he does not love or respect her, so it feels good to vent hate and anger about the person over anything! I think some personality types are more prone to do that, but the root of it is hate, lack of respect and basically not a healthy pairing.
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:28 AM
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
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I don't know why this topic has been dragged up after 5 years but it might be worth posting this article anyway:

Warning Signs That You're Dating a Loser - MHM: Relationships

Number 7: "It's Always Your Fault "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly - it's somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it's your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. "The Loser" never, repeat "never", takes personal responsibility for their behavior - it's always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them - it's actually the fault of the other driver (not his) as they didn't use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression."

I once had a female friend who was like this (we are no longer friends). If she knocked over a glass of milk, it was YOUR fault for leaving it in a "stupid" place and YOU have to clean it up.

I don't believe this is a result of society - this level of it is too extreme to be the norm. Most people don't behave this way and according to the psychologist who wrote this article, it's considered a warning sign of abusive behavior.
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Old 06-19-2012, 07:00 AM
Location: Not.here
2,828 posts, read 3,444,950 times
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Originally Posted by goldenmom7500 View Post
So my question is: where does this come from? And psychologically, what is the deal? He is from a very strict religious (Catholic) family, which influences him in ways I don't understand. But I guess I'm wondering more generally what this trait is all about. Why do some people feel guilty and some people rid themselves of guilt - in his case it's almost compulsive, don't you think?
Blaming others is about deep-rooted feelings of inferiority. When a person blames someone else for something that was done that annoys them or takes them out of their comfort zone, deep down they are using the situation to feel better about their own self at the expense of the other. They are basically saying, "you are not as smart as I am." It is usually a combination of showing anger and building up their own ego.

Concerning the strict religious thing.... religions have always inflicted guilt on people. That's just a means for controlling.
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Old 06-19-2012, 07:09 AM
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
3,616 posts, read 3,886,681 times
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I haven't read all of these pages, so someone probably already said it. But one possibility is a narcissist. I know this because my Mother is one and NOTHING is ever her fault. I learned this from her, but finally snapped out of this mentality. Now I take responsibility and apologize if I'm wrong.
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:45 PM
14,752 posts, read 27,536,839 times
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Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I haven't read all of these pages, so someone probably already said it. But one possibility is a narcissist. I know this because my Mother is one and NOTHING is ever her fault. I learned this from her, but finally snapped out of this mentality. Now I take responsibility and apologize if I'm wrong.
I will always have trouble with this concept. I'm still stuck at the schoolbook image of Narcissus staring at this reflection in the pond, falling in, and drowning. It has to be connected to other "diagnoses."

My Mom is probably passive-aggressive. She has a deflection "issue." My Dad, now gone, did anything but deflect. They once flew into Atlanta to visit me. We did the local stuff and flew to Philadelphia, enabling us to see relatives in NJ (cool) and inside beltway VA (NOT cool).

My parents were very comfortably situated in CA, and this aunt, married into the family, was living in a Colonial in suburban VA. She was very uppity about being Americanized, despite the fact that she was an uneducated immigrant. She has always been uppity.

When we get to the house with the rental car, I rang the front doorbell. I knock on it several times. Nothing...yet her car is in the driveway, complete with the vanity plates. I go around to the side-door. I knock and she flings it open "Oh, hi, come on in." Colonials are compact and symmetrical, so I'm sure she heard the bell/knocks and wanted to show us the "old days in Virginia" class distinction or something.

We went around with my uncle to Mt. Vernon and to the typical drive around DC. She made dinner. It was a good dinner. We get into the car and drove off toward Baltimore.
I tell my parents: "Can you believe that (c-word), she let us in through the side door. What was that all about?" (My parents know I hate her!)
Dad: "She's always been a biotch, as long as I've known her."
Mom: (in the back seat) "But she made us a nice dinner."
Me: (turn around) "She couldn't effin' open the front door, ok?"

Like my earlier post, I blame my parents for certain decisions they made for me. I blame myself for decisions I made on my own.
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