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For years now, I've been wanting to fight people because of this underlining anger I've had since my youth. I can't think of anyway to let go of this anger besides through violence. I feel like I'll never be happy until I get this out of my system. Exercise don't work, martial arts wouldn't work, nothing. I feel like this is something that has been engraved in me, like I HAVE to do this or I'll never be able to sleep well at night. I have very horrible thoughts of people from my past, thoughts that I wouldn't want to express here. Anyway, has anyone felt feelings like this to these lengths, if so, what did you do about them? I can't imagine, waking up one morning, without thinking of the people I seriously want to hurt from my past. These feelings have built up for the last 13 years.
You have to understand that you are giving these people power by having these feelings and thoughts. You are allowing them to control you. You have to find a way to move on and quit thinking about this. If you cannot find help through therapy or religion, you have got to find a way yourself. As long as you have these thoughts the very people you hate are controlling your behavior, your thoughts and your life. You deserve better. When you have these terrible feelings, you have got to learn to laugh them off and say..."Not today dad, NOT TODAY". "I am in control of my life, not you".
You have got to get to a place where you can let go and move on with your life.
You have to want to get better. If you've only seen three therapists in your life, that's not enough. You have to want to go, want to be part of your healing, want to be an active part of your own care.
You sound disdainful towards therapists and that's part of your problem.
Don't assume i'm disdainful towards them because you might believe I have an irrational belief that a therapist is essentially a miracle worker. That's not the case at all, I just find no purpose for most of them. I don't care how many degrees one may have, he/she doesn't know what the hell i'm going through. That one underlying factor, makes all their training, field work, and years in grad school completely irrelevant, and till this day I haven't been proven wrong. But maybe you're right, maybe I haven't seen the right therapist yet, who knows? At the end of the day, I've gotten better advice from a regular Joe than a licensed professional.
k9coach, you better publicly broadcast your ideas...fellow inquiring possibly like-minded Western New Yorkers need to know.
OP, best wishes. That's all I've got right now (and ever, really). Probably headed to Astoria (or Astpria as I've seen here) to visit a couple friends in the next couple months so if you want a beer message me.
You have to understand that you are giving these people power by having these feelings and thoughts. You are allowing them to control you. You have to find a way to move on and quit thinking about this. If you cannot find help through therapy or religion, you have got to find a way yourself. As long as you have these thoughts the very people you hate are controlling your behavior, your thoughts and your life. You deserve better. When you have these terrible feelings, you have got to learn to laugh them off and say..."Not today dad, NOT TODAY". "I am in control of my life, not you".
You have got to get to a place where you can let go and move on with your life.
20yrsinBranson
I'm well aware of this 20yrsinBranson.
But I really do have a demon inside of me (or maybe a couple of them). A part of me loves feeling miserable, it's the only way I know how to deal with myself, it's the only way I can express myself. Another part of me believes that I'll get out of this and see better days. I can definitely admit that today is much better than 5 years ago today. However, the sadness, anger, and despair from all my trials through life have stayed with me, and created a monster within me in the process.
Have you tried cannabis? It is the most effective of anything, overall, for controlling anger. In NY, there is a $100 fine for possession of a small amount & nutty Bloomberg has tried to get police to demand possessors take it out of their pockets, so police can give bigger penalty for public display. I talked to a psychiatrist who admitted Big Pharma does not really have anything good for controlling anger.
You said you're an underachiever. You also sound like you have low self-esteem. Are you sure it's other people and revenge against them you're obsessing about? It sounds like you're hell-bent on punishing yourself, not other people. These feelings are very self-destructive, and keep you from being happy and moving ahead.
Finding the right therapist can be tricky, but you really should try again. It sounds like you really need one. I wouldn't be averse to medication, either. I've seen it do wonders.
From what I gather you are able to deal with daily life at school and clearly have a good head on your shoulders. So I must ask how old you are?...and; if you considered joining the military?
Thank you! That's absolutely fascinating. I'll have to look more into that.
I have to say, though, that that doesn't sit well with me. Too often people use genetics as an excuse for their behavior. Even if genetics totally is the main factor, I hate to hear people rely on it.
There will always be people who will blame anything else anyways. Genetics, parents, siblings, life, God, etc. It's just who they are and the world is filled with people like them.
On the flip side, there's a lot of things that are genetic/hereditary (like depression, ADD, BP, etc - diseases too), people deal with it in whatever way they can, even if it's badly. But they are dealing with it and taking responsibility for it (I think of my BF who may hate life and the world most of the time, but sucks it up and goes to work, does what he needs to do to secure his future - even if he wants to kill himself half the time, etc). Or myself, who when I know I'm having a bad time, I go seek therapy and drugs (psychiatric) if needed, until I can stabilize myself again.
I never said my way was the only way- these are your words. Plz refrain from speaking for me.
Excuse me but your post is insulting to me.
Are you a doctor?
Are you a professional psychiatrist? psychoanalyst? psychology major in college? professor at a university? I could be wrong but I don't believe that you are qualified to diagnose him! (If I am indeed wrong my apologies).
When did you diagnose the OP? and when did you decide it was chemical imbalance?
When did you diagnose the OP with mental illness?
Do you even know the OP personally? Have you seen him in a professional setting?
Who said anything about mental illness? What if it's just anger management issues! You have insulted the OP.
You are no different than some of my fellow Christian's who prefer to stick their heads in the sand concerning demon oppression/possession.
What if you are wrong and I am right? Didn't the OP already confirm visiting 3 or 4 "professionals" and they did him no good at all besides make his wallet lighter?
Blah blah blah blah blah. Sorry you bore me. Yes I've been in health care for 25 years and know enough about mental illness to recognize it. Sorry but you sound like a fanatic to me and that in my universe is a real turn off. Have a good day.
Honestly, I have hope for you. Mostly because you're trying to do something for yourself. Even if it is coming to CD. Sometimes, talking it out helps a little to get you through until tomorrow. And if you seek therapy and medication, it could help, just know it may take time to find something that works. Especially the medication route.
I've gone through maybe 20 different meds to find something that worked for me. And even then, it can stop one day. Then you have to start back at square one. It's super frustrating and makes you feel like a failure. Even my BF doesn't say, "my meds stopped working" he says, "my meds are failing me". Think about it. It's how he perceives things. Everything fails him. Well, except me, cuz I'm perfect. :P
Good luck. Really. The fact that you're at least willing to find a new therapist, says a lot. And as my BF says to me, "I'm proud of you...because you're trying to fix yourself".
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