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An often overlooked fact IMO is that the older a child gets the more self-determination and personal responsibility they bear for their own choices. As such, as a parent, don't expect to have reliable influence on a child beyond their earliest formative years, up to about age 4 or 5. After that, particularly if you let them run in packs with other children (= send them to public school), all bets are off. Your influence as a parent is nights and weekends only, and then only if you happen to be home and have the energy to deal effectively with them and also can successfully resist the increasing drumbeat of school extracurricular involvements.
Children are very hip to what they can get away with and they are good at gauging your ability to follow up. If your child's personality is deferential and compliant they will not take advantage of you; otherwise, they will. Similarly if you are energetic and assertive then you will effectively counter them; if not, you won't. Similarly if you and your child are of very different temperaments / personalities then you may be quite toxic for each other without meaning to.
I have seen too many demon seed children come from good parents and too many angelic children come from incompetent parents to believe the fiction that you can have a gratifying child-rearing experience simply because you care enough and try hard.
Given the choice, knowing what I know now, I would not have had children.
One important clue that cannot be overlooked, is to watch them when you read them stories. See what kinds of things make them cry or express sadness. Praise them for it and comfort them, and make t hem feel OK about it and share it with them. Empathy is naturally wired into most people, and if it's not, forget it, it's not going to happen. If you try to teach it to them, they will learn to fake it.
About 10-15% of males and a much smaller number of females lack compassion, and most will learn to fake it, but not really feel it, and will learn to behave without compassion when it is to their advantage to do so if they think they can get away with it. This is called Sociopathy.
Not necessarily.~
I don't think empathy and compassion are always some things a Human is going to be born with, it really depends on the individual.~ Some times they're born with a strong sense of empathy, but at other times it must be taught to them: some times they will understand it in a little while, some times it will take them a long time, and other times they may never understand it.~
I am living proof that I was not born with a true understanding of empathy,
I didn't even think about it as a child but I was told that as a child I would punch my sister and she would bite me,
as a teenager I heard about empathy but I didn't really care as I just wanted to be left alone and any one that bothered me I would hurt them,
highschool only made me worse but it disconnected me from my family and every one around I truly felt like nothing I did had any consequences so nothing mattered,
it wasn't until I was pulled out of that horrible environment that is called "highschool" and I was homeschooled for 3 years that I finally understood that my actions did had consequences
since I was living and learning in the same place I had to live with the consequences and I began to understand that the people I was hurting were my own family people that I cared about I slowly and struggingly but surely
began to finally understand what empathy truly meant for the first time in my life, now I have a empathy and compassion and love and caring for all living and non-living things all creatures and every thing.~ ^_^
I'm actually seriously considering not raising children even if the opportunity came up, because while I would love to raise children one day, although I wouldn't mind if it never happened, I just don't know how I will teach them the concept of empathy and how to appreciate life the way I have come to.~
I was actually reading about, the whole "teaching children empathy" thing, it seems some people say that children do not developmentally understand empathy and now that I look back on my past and many times when I have seen children I think this might have some truth to it.~
It literally took me 17 years from birth to 17 years old to truly understand the concept of empathy and to appreciate life the way I do.~
How can I ask that of a child new born to this world who may or may not be absolutely beastly?~
You have to be very careful what you teach your child, because they could understand things in a way you never anticipated, like teaching them if you're religious and believe in Heaven, "When we die, if we are very good we go to a really wonderful place called Heaven." they may understand to mean that if we go to a wonderful place when we die if we are good, then 'helping' other creatures to get to this 'wonderful place' would could be very 'nice' because 'they are doing some thing to help others' and before you realize your mistake of forgetting to teach the 'preciousness' of life they are killing every thing smaller than them.~
Even if you were to teach them how all life is 'precious', how would you do this when they ask, "Why?"?~ How would they understand this and why would they even care if it doesn't relate to them directly right now in that moment?~
I've heard some horror stories and seen some fictional ones where children are capable of the most horrible of things you can imagine if you can even imagine them and even though the fictional ones I've seen were pretty graphic there's a part of me that believes that children could indeed be capable of even those things as well.~
From what I understand about children, they are born in to this world absolutely like beasts and wild animals, they have no concept or understanding or may not even care of any thing that does not relate to them in a way that directly affects them.~
While thinking about the thought of raising my own children makes my heart swell with joy, these thoughts also absolutely terrify me.~
I don't know what to do.~
What are any of your thoughts on this?~
I know what you mean. It's hard to put life lesson's into a book and have the child read it and become a good person.
But children usualy pick up their parent's behavior. You can teach by example.
Having talks with them is very important, to explain what went right and what went wrong in a particular situation.
Here is one example.
This little girl is extremely sensitive. But at the same time, she could be pretty unruly (has a very hot temper and can't control herself). But at other times she could be the nicest person.
So, one time she tells her mother: mom, you wouldn't believe what my aunt did to me!
What? - the mother said expecting something drastic...
The girl said: she called me RUDE!
The mom had a problem. She wanted her daughter to confide in her and so it was important not to sound judgemental. But at the same time, the mom wanted to teach her daughter.
So she continued the conversation and asked for details about how she behaved and what happened. Then the mom said to the girl: well, imagine yourself in this situation. What if so and so did this to you, how would you feel?
The 9 year old girl thought about it and basically came to the conclusion that she was in fact rude at that time. (She felt kind of embarrased about that)
To teach compassion and empathy - I think it's important to put the child into the situation where they experience something they do to others. The experience or observation of the behavior can make them understand how it feels. And then it can make them feel for others (since they felt it too before).
Sometimes children are simply not aware of how their behavior affects others. So I think it's important to point it out to them.
One girl for example watched a show one time. She did not like the behavior of the little girl on the show. And she was kind of shocked to find out that she does the same thing.
But some children are born with defective genes (like autistic ones for example) and you can't do too much to help them to become exemplary citizens. So you never know.
But some children are born with defective genes (like autistic ones for example) and you can't do too much to help them to become exemplary citizens. So you never know.
I wouldn't get too discouraged no matter what any one tells or diagnosises to you about your child.~
No matter what kind of child you have, there is always hope to raise them the best way you can, but don't let what ever any one says about them or what you know about them to limit in your mind what they are capable of.~
Just because some may be clinically diagnosed as being "mentally retarded" (retarded is the scientific term for "stunted" or "limited" or "stopped") doesn't mean that they can't one day grow up to have and raise children and a family of their own one day.~ ^_^
"Walk in my shoes!"
To do that, volunteer with a group which feeds the homeless. Learn how they live.
Go a day without food.
Sleep outside in the cold on the ground.
Stay outside in the rain for a day.
Stand there while other people say nasty things about you.
Etc.
Place yourself in other people's shoes.
Note if I am feeling "poor", a trip to Mexico quickly adjusts my attitude - I see a family of 10 living in a one room shack with no electricity, then suddenly I don't feel so "poor"!
Good answer. I was thinking volunteering at a shelter, animal, homeless, whatever.
Home school them so the institutional education systems can't indoctrinate them.
That's part of the reason I'm not sending my children to "standard" education "schools".~
If I do ever raise children, I will raise them in a combination of a compassionate, kindness, and empathetic life combined with a nomadic native-tribal-like lifestyle so they will grow both kind and strong enough to eventually take care of themselves even with out 'money'.~ ^_^
I wish my parents would have taught me how to live without money, but I suppose I'm going to have to learn that on my own.~ Oh well, se le ve, such is life.~
You teach empathy by modeling it. You don't sit down with a 2 year old and explain why life is valuable. If the kid takes a toy away from another, you explain that the other child was playing with the toy, and that he/she has to ask first to see if he/she can have it.
It isn't hard, unless you yourself are not empathetic. But you say you are. So, you should be able to model empathy and deal with what children do when they are little.
Even if you were to teach them how all life is 'precious', how would you do this when they ask, "Why?"?~ How would they understand this and why would they even care if it doesn't relate to them directly right now in that moment?~
Check out the book Zero Degrees of Empathy - it's one of the best I've read for describing the different types of empathy and the genetic components affecting them. Parenting matters but the genetics are quite powerful too.
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^_^
