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My job is to do damage control, in the wake of divorces and relationships ending (I'm a licensed master social worker). I have gotten to know hundreds if not thousands of people who are single parents. I'm a parent too, for what that's worth.
There are many different reasons behind this, but many of the single moms I work with were (and still are) pretty cavalier about their choices in sex partners. For many, there is some level of emotions involved (dating, if you will). For quite a few others, it was pretty much just a sexual thing. In either case, the women were more into the sex than into the person/partner. For some of them, the sex was supposed to heal some deep wounds or hurts.
In the "old days" our culture would have placed some robust pressure on women to not be cavalier about their choices. That is absolutely not true for younger people today.
The whole thing is very, very frustrating, because the kids invariably suffer.
Yeah, I bring up that it might have been the woman's fault because women can't even fathom the idea that maybe, just maybe there was something that they did that caused the relationship to fall apart. When a man's attitude changes, it's a red flag that the relationship is headed towards a downward spiral. Men need to be nurtured, too!
And again, this is taking my thread off topic...
And maybe, just maybe the man should "man up." Are men babies or plants that they need to be taken care of all the time? Seriously, why are you placing all the blame on the woman? Relationships are supposed to be a partnership, right?
I hear there's progress being made on the male version of the pill. Until then, if the man doesn't want a kid, he should wear a condom every time or get a vasectomy.
My job is to do damage control, in the wake of divorces and relationships ending (I'm a licensed master social worker). I have gotten to know hundreds if not thousands of people who are single parents. I'm a parent too, for what that's worth.
There are many different reasons behind this, but many of the single moms I work with were (and still are) pretty cavalier about their choices in sex partners. For many, there is some level of emotions involved (dating, if you will). For quite a few others, it was pretty much just a sexual thing. In either case, the women were more into the sex than into the person/partner. For some of them, the sex was supposed to heal some deep wounds or hurts.
In the "old days" our culture would have placed some robust pressure on women to not be cavalier about their choices. That is absolutely not true for younger people today.
The whole thing is very, very frustrating, because the kids invariably suffer.
I agree that is a terrible situation. What do you think could be done to reverse the trend, or at least mitigate the results? The chief reason I never had kids is I knew how hard it is to raise kids because I was a nanny when I was young. I also had a lot of responsibilities at home being the oldest child in a family with two working parents. But today people have smaller families. Few children I see today, other than in the poorest families or people who procreate as part of their religion, get put in charge of younger siblings.
In fact, I don't know many young kids today who have any responsibilities beyond minor chores or teen jobs they get paid for. Do you think that gives them the idea that adult life is just a day at the beach? Personally, I think we need PARENTING education in public schools even more than we need sex education. Or perhaps my observations are atypical.
Do you think the type of people that kids choose today as role models is part of the issue? The sports stars, musicians, and actors kids worship certainly seem to have a very cavalier attitude about giving birth. But they have employees who take care of their babies so they make parenthood look like no work whatsoever. What on earth can be done about wising kids up to that? When the famous are criticized for their behavior, they reply, "I didn't ask to be your kid's role model."
When a woman who has just birthed a helpless human being who is totally reliant on responsible adults - ideally, the parents - for care, then that is her #1 responsibility - to care for that baby. That is biology, that is instinct, that is the social rule. Any "man" who whines that he isn't getting enough attention because there's a baby in the house is beyond selfish. Boys who don't want to "share" their life with a child should be vigilant about birth control every single time and very selective about their sexual practices - i.e. NOT sleep with everyone possible as though it's a contest.
You asked why it happens, and I answered. Your position is very cavalier for someone who does not have children and has never been married.
How much experience do you have caring for a newborn and meeting the demands of a husband at the same time?
Imagine this: you're caring for the baby around the clock. Every 4 hours, she needs to be fed and changed. You haven't had a decent night's sleep in months, because you couldn't sleep much the last two months of your pregnancy either. You haven't mastered diapering, so half the time when you pick the baby up from the crib, the diaper has leaked and you have to change the sheets and do laundry. Your husband is working 8 hours a day and you feel like you're working 24 hours. Since you're on maternity leave, your husband expects you to cook a nice dinner every night and make sure the house is clean too. So you climb into bed, exhausted, knowing that in three hours it will be time to get back up and feed the baby. Your husband is in bed, waiting to have sex with you because he's happy that you don't have a baby bump anymore. He can't understand why you're too tired to get into it and just want to get it over with as quickly as possible. (or maybe you had to have an episiotomy during the birth and even though the doctor says you're healed, you're terrified that you're going to rip open during sex) He feels like maybe you love the baby more than you love him. The reality is, he can feed and care for himself and you're just too exhausted to nurture him.
I think this is pretty common for a lot of women. Mothering is not instinctive and you aren't born knowing how to care for an infant. It's a set of skills you have to master. If you're lucky, then your husband helps out around the house and also understands that you're too tired to do everything you used to do. If you're not lucky, your husband thinks that you're sitting home on your butt every day doing nothing, and that you're just selfish for being too tired to have sex.
For some women (like myself), mothering skills come naturally. As far as mastering diaper changing, there's a class for that.
If your husband thinks that way, then his head is screwed on backwards. Some women are able to pull it all off.
For some women (like myself), mothering skills come naturally. As far as mastering diaper changing, there's a class for that.
If your husband thinks that way, then his head is screwed on backwards. Some women are able to pull it all off.
It's also not necessary to have to do the laundry if the kid's messy diaper leaks, it's called having extra sheets...god knows crib sheets aren't that expensive! You often get multiple sets at baby showers! If not there's always the thrift store.
Geez you make it sound so hard to be a parent! I was married and had 3 kids so I can offer an educated opinion on the whole thing. My oldest was colicky for the first 3 months. I rarely got any sleep My husband worked nights and slept during the day...try that on for size. He wasn't around for 2 am and 4 am feedings he was AT WORK. So many parents often split shifts like that just so they can avoid daycare costs. In spite of a colicky baby, no sleep, and what not I still managed to do the housework, laundry and fix dinner every night for my ex before he went to work. You know what the real problem was? I lost interest in him. I didn't transfer it to the baby, I just never loved the man to begin with. We stayed together for 14 years and had two more kids but at the end of the day I was not happy and filed for divorce as soon as my youngest hit kindegarten. My ex was a total jerk about it, but he paid his support. What he didn't do was see his kids. He took my rejection of him out on them. Now they're adults and see him for the selfish person he was. Not because he wasn't responsible but he was just selfish. Notice that after all is said and done, I made the best decision for ME (yes selfish), but we were all better off in the long run. Your life and your kid's life must be miserable suffering from your bitterness.
For some women (like myself), mothering skills come naturally. As far as mastering diaper changing, there's a class for that.
If your husband thinks that way, then his head is screwed on backwards. Some women are able to pull it all off.
How many children do you have? I was an awesome babysitter when I was a teenager, but it didn't automatically make me an awesome mommy.
And you were saying that the new mothers were to blame if they neglected their men and ended up as single mothers...saying that the husband must not have his head screwed on right sounds like now you're saying the blame should be on the husband. Maybe my post got through to you
I am only here because you asked me to post here. First you say: "My intentions aren't to insult others" and then you say something like the bolded above. Clearly you don't care about insulting others.
Apparently most of the responders on this board haven't heard of two things: 1. Divorce and 2. Failed birth control.
I was MARRIED when I had my children. Get that, MARRIED. And 90% of the single moms I know were also MARRIED to the father of their children. And the reason why we are no longer married is because these dads decided - after they became parents - that they no longer wanted to/couldn't handle the responsibility of being a mature, stand-up man. Some of them lied, refused to work, had affairs, turned to drugs and alcohol, had mental health issues, etc. That's why we are all now divorced. And all of us mature, stand-up women took responsibility for the children we chose to bring into this world, because that's what a parent does.
So if someone becomes a deadbeat loser during marriage, what makes you think he will suddenly become responsible again after a divorce?
As far as BC failing, it happens all the time. PP, pharmaceutical companies, doctors don't like to admit the truth, but BC that is claimed to be 90+% effective actually isn't. When I was in my 20's everyone I know who got pregnant unexpectedly was on the pill. ALL of them. Other BC fails all the time. And some women simply cannot take hormonal bc which means their options are limited and the likelihood of bc failure is even greater.
And finally, you can suggest abortion all you want, but believe it or not there are plenty of us out here who don't think our babies should die because some a$$hole can't be a man.
Divorced people with children are not single parents. They are divorced parents.
In consenting to sex, neither a man nor a woman gives consent to become a parent, just as in consenting to any activity, one does not consent to yield to all the accidental outcomes that might flow from that activity.
Surely you, and your source, are kidding. We've all heard "sex makes babies"... because it's true. Nothing else apart from sex, or the impersonal laboratory-based facsimile thereof, makes babies. In having sex, the man and woman give consent to the risk of conceiving a child. Essentially, they're taking their chances and sometimes it just so happens that they discover 1+1 is going to equal 3.
As for that second one, y'all wish complete absolution of blame upon one who partakes in an activity, for the outcome of that activity even if it isn't what's expected? We're just supposed to throw caution to the wind because we're not consenting to the possible negative outcomes? I got behind the wheel and did some driving today, but I didn't consent to that drunk driver hitting me and destroying my car! I moved to Oklahoma, but I didn't consent to have my house reduced to toothpicks by a tornado! I took a career as a professional wrestler, but I didn't consent to an untimely death when the cable lowering me into the ring from the arena's ceiling snapped while I was still 60 feet up! I went hiking in the Allegany National Forest without a gun, but I didn't consent to being attacked by a bear!
If ever there was proof of our society's quantum shift toward obviation of all personal responsibility, this is it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinkmani
Men have three forms of contraception
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pinkmani
: vasectomy, a condom, or the withdrawal method.
*To those who argue that the withdrawal method isn't reliable:
Women have several forms of contraception that they can use before intercourse: 2 implants, the patch, different BC pills, a shot, Nuvaring, cervical cap, female condom, diaphragm, calendar method, IUD, and tubal litigation. Not to mention, after they have sex, she has the morning-after pill, the sponge, spermicide, and the right to an abortion.
Women have children knowing that the father doesn't want to be involved for two reasons.
1) They believe in the sanctity and value of every human life, and as such could never have an abortion. Birthing a child doesn't necessarily mean having to raise the child - babies can be given up for adoption at (I believe) any hospital within 72 hours of birth with no questions asked. Sometimes, arrangements for adoption can be made prior to birth. I once dated a woman who was adopted... her adoptive parents didn't have natural children because her adoptive mother was mortally afraid of pregnancy... and it just so happened that a lady in their church was raped around the time that they were thinking they'd like to have children in their lives. So arrangements and legal filings were made, and before that baby was born, the adoptive parents knew they would be adopting the baby and the birth mother knew she would be giving the baby up for adoption. She wasn't in a position to be able to raise a child but she did the most loving thing possible by giving that child the best opportunity she knew of, to be raised in a stable, supportive, loving family environment. Through that, the atrocity of rape was turned into a blessing for THREE people. How can anyone argue with that?
2) The woman feels like the father will reconsider, and stay in her life, if she bears his child. She figures that maybe he'll even marry her if she goes through with the pregnancy so that they can provide a stable family for the child. Wishful thinking perhaps, but it's a tale as old as time.
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