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Old 11-06-2013, 03:35 PM
 
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Sounds good. Btw, I haven't answered my phone after 10pm, which may not seem like a big deal but it's H U G E for me!!
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Old 11-06-2013, 04:37 PM
 
Location: MO->MI->CA->TX->MA
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There's a saying that 21 Days makes a habit.

Most people won't get your boundaries after 1 or 2 days.. give them 21 days instead. Enforce your boundaries with an iron fist during this time, no exceptions (except maybe severe emergencies like someone got locked out, someone's stranded, or someone's in danger of dying for example)
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Old 11-06-2013, 05:01 PM
 
Location: The High Seas
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Setting proper boundaries always makes you think and feel better about yourself. Letting someone walk over you is just no way to live.
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Old 11-06-2013, 05:11 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Snort View Post
Setting proper boundaries always makes you think and feel better about yourself. Letting someone walk over you is just no way to live.
No it's not. What would happen with me, was I'd become resentful toward the person. There were nights where I couldn't fall asleep because I kept running over and over in my mind how they're taking advantage of me or something, and also be mad at myself for saying "yes" to whatever it was. I learned now to say "no" and sometimes I don't even offer a reason. It is hard, but afterward I feel so much better than I did before! I learned that most people will not get upset or reject me for setting boundaries as I had feared. On the contrary, I think they respect me more.
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Old 11-07-2013, 05:59 AM
 
Location: Western Washington
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
No it's not. What would happen with me, was I'd become resentful toward the person. There were nights where I couldn't fall asleep because I kept running over and over in my mind how they're taking advantage of me or something, and also be mad at myself for saying "yes" to whatever it was. I learned now to say "no" and sometimes I don't even offer a reason. It is hard, but afterward I feel so much better than I did before! I learned that most people will not get upset or reject me for setting boundaries as I had feared. On the contrary, I think they respect me more.
It really does help, to set those boundaries. Like you, my resentment builds to the point where I can't sleep, thinking of how I've screwed up by making myself so "available" to someone, that they think I will drop everything I'm doing to help them. I believe that we should be available to others and helpful, whenever possible. The problem though, is that some people are flat out lazy. They'll start using you to do things that they simply don't want to do, or don't want to learn how to do.

I have a motto...I will help you learn to help yourself, but don't expect me to take care of you.
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:47 AM
 
588 posts, read 954,852 times
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Originally Posted by ocnjgirl View Post
No it's not. What would happen with me, was I'd become resentful toward the person. There were nights where I couldn't fall asleep because I kept running over and over in my mind how they're taking advantage of me or something, and also be mad at myself for saying "yes" to whatever it was. I learned now to say "no" and sometimes I don't even offer a reason. It is hard, but afterward I feel so much better than I did before! I learned that most people will not get upset or reject me for setting boundaries as I had feared. On the contrary, I think they respect me more.
So so true!! I was annoyed last night after I set a boundary with yet another friend, one who kept asking me to come out and help her entertain her company even though I had told her I was going to bed super early bc I was tired (long story.) Then she got mad, slamming cabinets & acting slightly passive-aggressive. I forgot who posted this but they are so right: People will resist at first and push even harder against the boundaries I'm trying to set.
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Old 11-07-2013, 08:54 AM
 
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Setting a boundary is easy; enforcing it is another thing altogether. Especially if one was raised by a controlling individual and was brow-beaten and afraid to speak up.

It takes self-training to break the habit of not stating one's preferences. Best to take it one step at a time and allow your self-confidence to increase.
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Old 11-07-2013, 12:21 PM
 
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Yep, self-training for sure! My palms were sweating and my heart rate increased significantly when I was trying to stand my ground and not give in last night. I called my sis and she made me feel better, assuring me that I wasn't being mean or rude when refusing to help entertain guests that weren't even mine! After working 11 hours, I deserved to wind down.
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Old 11-08-2013, 07:54 AM
 
Location: Elsewhere
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I have a thread on here somewhere entitled "stalker neighbor" that's all about setting boundaries. She had offered to pick me up from the train last night so I didn't have to get a taxi, which was very nice (I'd been using a work-provided car that I had to turn back in and so my own car was at my house). But then she had to push it, as is her style--why didn't I also come to her house for dinner after she picked me up...? I had been up since 4:45 a.m., had to drive two hours to meetings at an airport, then back to my office, then work, then get the train home...it was now 7 p.m. and I was exhausted. I didn't feel like being her entertainment for the evening under the guise of being invited for dinner, so I told her straight up that I was just too tired. And she was OK with that. I will have dinner with her tonight instead. It's not as though I was just being invited for dinner--she would expect me to then stay for hours drinking wine with her and listening to her stories, and I just could not do it.

It IS possible to say NO and not hurt anyone.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:14 AM
 
588 posts, read 954,852 times
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What a great title -Stalker neighbor. LOL!!!! And so appropriate, not just for your neighbor but also for some people I know. Psychologists say that it's not about you, it's about them. For instance, when I went to my aunt's birthday bash but could only stay 20 minutes...I'd made up an excuse that I had to work but honestly I just needed a night to myself. Anyway, my cousin gave me the hardest time, talking about how I always just make an appearance to these functions, they miss me so much, blah blah blah.
Well okay, a therapist would say it's about her and her need for either control or to smother me. I just think it's so weird that the only thing a couple of family members wanted to talk about was how I didn't stay long enough, instead of chatting about how much fun the party was, what a blessing to celebrate my aunt's big day, etc.
Sometimes it really does seem like it's all about me, but I don't want it to be! LOL
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