Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm glad I was able to help. I see some of myself in you--not necessarily for wanting to not be attracted to women--but for everything else that makes you unique. I kind of know where you're coming from in a sense.
Don't worry about what the others do. Believe me, I've been there. For most of my life I've had very few close friends. But those friends are like brothers (or sister) I never had.
You have to ask yourself what a friend is. Is a friend someone that hurts you? brings you down? Or is it someone who builds you up and help you become who you are? I cut out a lot of people in my life when I started to ask these questions of myself years ago. Even today, many people know who I am, but very few 'know' me. It's important to do this to be able to spend time with yourself and interact with other people who genuinely want to spend time with you as well. I have no problems walking away from someone who even has the slightest negative influences on me. I don't need them, and neither do you. No one does. Each of us can find a hundred negative things in life; we definitely don't need friends piling onto that negativity.
I think I saw this in a movie, but the line was 'the future will happen, if you're ready or not'.
Some people have the dumb luck of everything in their life just working out. I'm definitely in the other camp where if I don't plan every minute detail that it will come back to bite me hard. Most people are somewhere in between.
Understandably, none of us know if our days are over tomorrow. But if we want something out of life, we have to plan for it. Unless we're already where we want to be.
"The only difference between a dream and a goal is a plan." Figure out what this saying means in your life. Hopefully it will give you some insight into what tomorrow holds for you.
I completely get where you're coming from now that you mentioned the ocd. I completely get it--attractive women get you stuck into a 'loop' of thought. The funny thing is, I never been diagnosed for ocd, but I do that sometimes as well. Sometimes my mind isn't happy with the solution or the answer. But I've understood that sometimes my mind needs to be put on hold so I can do daily things to the best of my ability.
Therapy with a good counselor is like taking a crossword puzzle to someone who you know has the answer, but instead of giving you the answer, they help you figure out the answer on your own--and not only for this crossword puzzle, but for every puzzle you'll ever work on. This is the best analogy for therapy I can think of.
If you go to a doctor, dentist, or eye doctor, you've got your body, your teeth, and your eyes checked out. But physical health isn't the only part of health care. Mental health is a big part of being healthy, and unfortunately it's ignored for the most part by the entire world because we've gotten so 'smart' that we think that we don't need to worry anymore.
Mental health is just as important as physical health. I'm willing to bet your ocd didn't start at 8 (I think it was 8 you posted--sorry if I got this wrong). It was probably well before eight, I would hazard a guess even before 5. The problem is that people in general don't go in for mental health checkups like they do for everything else. Because if we did, you might have gotten diagnosed easier and been given techniques you can use to manage your ocd and better understand it.
I'll tell you a bit of my own background with mental health. I was depressed for over 10 years of my life, and I didn't even know it. I supressed emotions because I didn't understand how to deal with them, and they would build up and come out at other times. Anger was my worst one. My anger would be ragingly violent, but then I also had feelings of deep hopelessness and sadness. I thought all this would 'work itself out', or I'd 'get over it'. Well, I couldn't. I started logging how I felt and noticed I had two week cycles of happiness and depression. I was in school and went to their free services. After a week of general questions and what I thought was conversations, I was given some real insight into myself. After I was sitting for a while silent with shock at my new insights, my counselor told me that the road to getting better won't be easy, but that the steps are this easy.
Therapy helped me because it gave me ideas on how to approach my problem differently, with more understanding of myself. Since I didn't have any physiological problems (no chemical imbalances), I was able to deal with all my issues through cognitive therapy. Years later, I've resolved all but one issue that I think my wife shares--and that has caused issues for us. You can never run away from these things. They are a part of you. (Hence why I suggested that you don't try to change your instinct towards women.)
You've got some issues you need to deal with in a way that works for your greater mental health. I hope you don't take that as an offence as I think some of the people in this thread have even more issues. None of us are perfectly healthy physically, and it's the same mentally. If you have to be mad to seek therapy, then we're all mad.
I hope this post has given you some more help. I really feel for you when I read some of the more ruthless and insensitive posts. Unfortunately, it's what the Internet has made of discussion forums--a place that can be quite vile.
You know, I was not diagonosed with OCD when I was 8. Infact I didn't even knew I had it until I was 17.
My thought process is very different from other people because thoughts does not freely flow in my brain. Its like my Ocd filters them and take the part of the thought which is unique and would probably bother me a lot.
It all started when I was 15. I was always a Harry potter fanboy. That day I was reading the 5th part of the book. There was a scene where Harry took cho chang out for a date. There was something which hit me while reading it. I didn't liked the way how the whole scenario played out. And my Ocd kind of filters the whole incident and start to force me to think about it again and again. It took me 1 whole month to get rid of it.
I think my ocd is very sensitive towards women and cannot handle small things about them without obesessing over it and that is what actually frustates me and hence this question.
Can you imagine, if I even let it go and " go on to date a girl, fall in love with her, make her my everything ", how fierce my Ocd would become ?
My worst fear would come out and I know I would not able to deal with them and ruin that poor girl's life.
You said one issue in your relationship was enough to harm your relationahip but I have tons. Yes, I am diffeent than typical 18 year old guys but that is how it is.
Anger and frustations was the part of my problem a year back but when I learned about my OCD, I just thought " So this is it. All these thoughts came from a problem I didn't even knew existed ". I took a deep breathe ans decided to do something about it. The truth is. I don't love myself much. My parents are the major reason of me being alive still and pursue their and mine of becoming a software engineer and that is why I decided to cut out the major reason of me being sad . And that is why I wanted some advices.
My Op may have sounded like I hate women but my problem is " I deep down love them" and that is why it is even more difficult for me get rid of my feelings.
You know its very complicated.
I am not considering therepy because like you said " these thoughts would never leave you fully". So even though I may develop a deep understanding of my issues and may eventually learn to think positive about relationship and women but my fears would never let me live happily with a woman. And what if she turn out to be same woman i have always pictured
So why not just get rid of this part of me forever and move on ?
Thanks for some good advices.
And don't care about negative comments, afterall it was me who wrote that Op. Its all cool man.
I feel for you too man. Living 10 years in depression must be pure hell. Glad you come out of it.
Last edited by princewilla; 12-13-2013 at 12:27 AM..
Dude just live and get some life experience before you do anything, Join the military, become a Hippie, go sit on a mountain top in the desert on psychedelics. Spend a month backpacking in the wilderness. Spend a week on a big wall rock climb sleeping hundreds of feet above the ground, sail across an ocean, surf some big waves… well those things worked for me, find your own things.
Just live and live for you not for your parents, your studies or anything or anybody else.
You will meet awesome women along the way some will be friends, maybe some lovers, maybe a girlfriend. Or not if you choose.
But What do you mean by " don't try to do it all by yourself ".
What I mean is, "Please-please-PLEASE, develop a long-term working relationship with a mentor, or a coach, or a counselor -- preferably someone with a LOT of professional training/experience."
City-Data Forums is not the venue to go into any detail. Simply put, if you really decide to go through with this, you are going to really NEED someone 'on the outside of what's going on' to assist, guide, direct, and care for you.
Don't take my word for it. All Roman Catholic priests - as one example - have taken the journey you are considering. Many of them have written about their experiences, and nearly all of them have pointed out the importance of having an 'external-other' to talk with, etc...
You know, I was not diagonosed with OCD when I was 8. Infact I didn't even knew I had it until I was 17.
My thought process is very different from other people because thoughts does not freely flow in my brain. Its like my Ocd filters them and take the part of the thought which is unique and would probably bother me a lot.
It all started when I was 15. I was always a Harry potter fanboy. That day I was reading the 5th part of the book. There was a scene where Harry took cho chang out for a date. There was something which hit me while reading it. I didn't liked the way how the whole scenario played out. And my Ocd kind of filters the whole incident and start to force me to think about it again and again. It took me 1 whole month to get rid of it.
I think my ocd is very sensitive towards women and cannot handle small things about them without obesessing over it and that is what actually frustates me and hence this question.
Can you imagine, if I even let it go and " go on to date a girl, fall in love with her, make her my everything ", how fierce my Ocd would become ?
My worst fear would come out and I know I would not able to deal with them and ruin that poor girl's life.
You said one issue in your relationship was enough to harm your relationahip but I have tons. Yes, I am diffeent than typical 18 year old guys but that is how it is.
Anger and frustations was the part of my problem a year back but when I learned about my OCD, I just thought " So this is it. All these thoughts came from a problem I didn't even knew existed ". I took a deep breathe ans decided to do something about it. The truth is. I don't love myself much. My parents are the major reason of me being alive still and pursue their and mine of becoming a software engineer and that is why I decided to cut out the major reason of me being sad . And that is why I wanted some advices.
My Op may have sounded like I hate women but my problem is " I deep down love them" and that is why it is even more difficult for me get rid of my feelings.
You know its very complicated.
I am not considering therepy because like you said " these thoughts would never leave you fully". So even though I may develop a deep understanding of my issues and may eventually learn to think positive about relationship and women but my fears would never let me live happily with a woman. And what if she turn out to be same woman i have always pictured
So why not just get rid of this part of me forever and move on ?
Thanks for some good advices.
And don't care about negative comments, afterall it was me who wrote that Op. Its all cool man.
I feel for you too man. Living 10 years in depression must be pure hell. Glad you come out of it.
Sorry for getting the years wrong on the diagnosis, but knowing that it was 17 before you were diagnosed isn't good because you've been dealing with it the whole time, and letting it 'filter' life for you.
You know, that's how I felt about ever being in a relationship with a woman--that I would destroy her life. My wife had a horrible day at work today. And as I was conforting her, she looked at me with teary eyes and said that "you are everything to me, you know that?". Of course I know that, and that moment reminded me that at the end of the day through all the ups and downs, I made her life wonderful, so wonderful. As she has done for me.
I'm not saying that a relationship is for everyone, or hell even for me until this woman came at this time in my life. If it was 5 years earlier, there's no way we would have made it a month and both of us would have been hurt.
Being in a relationship with a woman, any woman, is 99% doomed to fail. That's right, the odds of failure are HUGE. But it's because the success is so sweet, we keep trying. But you're allowed to go years, even decades without trying. The last girl I was serious about was 10 years before my wife...and I think that worked out fine for me.
When I mentioned that the feelings would never leave you fully, that's the part of life I call the 'shades of grey'. Things in our personal life are rarely as simple as black and white--each has some shades of grey in there. And it's just the way we work. It's why it's hard for humans to be as absolute as machines. Machines can be digital, zero and one, black and white, on or off. With humans, we tend to blur the lines a bit. But that's where art comes from too, so it's a beautiful part of us as well.
Think of how you absolutely want to not be attracted to women, and yet love them so much and so much more deeply than most ment. None of this is black and white. It is all shades of grey. You just have to figure out how to arrange the grey into a pattern you can live with, nay, thrive in.
Depression was just...depressing. I just lost so many years not feeling like even getting out of bed. I'm just grateful every day that I have the ability to make up for lost time. It's never too late!
You know, I was not diagonosed with OCD when I was 8. Infact I didn't even knew I had it until I was 17.
My thought process is very different from other people because thoughts does not freely flow in my brain. Its like my Ocd filters them and take the part of the thought which is unique and would probably bother me a lot.
It all started when I was 15. I was always a Harry potter fanboy. That day I was reading the 5th part of the book. There was a scene where Harry took cho chang out for a date. There was something which hit me while reading it. I didn't liked the way how the whole scenario played out. And my Ocd kind of filters the whole incident and start to force me to think about it again and again. It took me 1 whole month to get rid of it.
I think my ocd is very sensitive towards women and cannot handle small things about them without obesessing over it and that is what actually frustates me and hence this question.
Can you imagine, if I even let it go and " go on to date a girl, fall in love with her, make her my everything ", how fierce my Ocd would become ?
My worst fear would come out and I know I would not able to deal with them and ruin that poor girl's life.
You said one issue in your relationship was enough to harm your relationahip but I have tons. Yes, I am diffeent than typical 18 year old guys but that is how it is.
Anger and frustations was the part of my problem a year back but when I learned about my OCD, I just thought " So this is it. All these thoughts came from a problem I didn't even knew existed ". I took a deep breathe ans decided to do something about it. The truth is. I don't love myself much. My parents are the major reason of me being alive still and pursue their and mine of becoming a software engineer and that is why I decided to cut out the major reason of me being sad . And that is why I wanted some advices.
My Op may have sounded like I hate women but my problem is " I deep down love them" and that is why it is even more difficult for me get rid of my feelings.
You know its very complicated.
I am not considering therepy because like you said " these thoughts would never leave you fully". So even though I may develop a deep understanding of my issues and may eventually learn to think positive about relationship and women but my fears would never let me live happily with a woman. And what if she turn out to be same woman i have always pictured
So why not just get rid of this part of me forever and move on ?
Thanks for some good advices.
And don't care about negative comments, afterall it was me who wrote that Op. Its all cool man.
I feel for you too man. Living 10 years in depression must be pure hell. Glad you come out of it.
That is pretty heavy. I don't blame you for wanting to stay away from women if it's going to trigger your OCD and cause you to spiral. I think you're on the right track by trying to stay away. It's important to have relationships in life, but that doesn't mean it has to be one kind of relationship only. Friendships are so important as well as family. Too bad sexuality wasn't more fluid so that you could experience romance with a man if interested, but plenty live without it no problem.
Dude just live and get some life experience before you do anything, Join the military, become a Hippie, go sit on a mountain top in the desert on psychedelics. Spend a month backpacking in the wilderness. Spend a week on a big wall rock climb sleeping hundreds of feet above the ground, sail across an ocean, surf some big waves… well those things worked for me, find your own things.
Just live and live for you not for your parents, your studies or anything or anybody else.
You will meet awesome women along the way some will be friends, maybe some lovers, maybe a girlfriend. Or not if you choose.
Just get outside and out of your head.
I get ya man. And that is what i am trying to do these days. Just yesterday, we went for camping and enjoyed there a lot. Ocd traps you more when you act on your indulges and obsess about it.
I just think i would have enjoyed my life far more had i didn't have OCD in the first place, But anyway, life is not black and white.
And i don't know but i does not enjoy my life much if i think about living it for myself. I just love helping people and making them happy. Maybe i am weird,
Last edited by princewilla; 12-14-2013 at 09:18 AM..
What I mean is, "Please-please-PLEASE, develop a long-term working relationship with a mentor, or a coach, or a counselor -- preferably someone with a LOT of professional training/experience."
City-Data Forums is not the venue to go into any detail. Simply put, if you really decide to go through with this, you are going to really NEED someone 'on the outside of what's going on' to assist, guide, direct, and care for you.
Don't take my word for it. All Roman Catholic priests - as one example - have taken the journey you are considering. Many of them have written about their experiences, and nearly all of them have pointed out the importance of having an 'external-other' to talk with, etc...
But why does it matter ?
I have a person why understand me and my beleives and that is my " Soul". He loves me, care about me without condition. Maybe you guys find it weird but I beleive in souls, I think we all have it inside us.
Mentor, counselor could give you advices but its your life to live.
And I have no desire to become a priest......
We are all humans and what we believe, our views and everything is just a model we tend to create in order to live in this society. Each and every single person lives with certain model and see things through it...... And these models tend to make us beleive what is NORMAL and what is not.
That is pretty heavy. I don't blame you for wanting to stay away from women if it's going to trigger your OCD and cause you to spiral. I think you're on the right track by trying to stay away. It's important to have relationships in life, but that doesn't mean it has to be one kind of relationship only. Friendships are so important as well as family. Too bad sexuality wasn't more fluid so that you could experience romance with a man if interested, but plenty live without it no problem.
Thanks for understanding me and my point.
And I have some problems with sex and porn because I does not like certain aspects of it so I don't think I would have liked to get attracted to men for that matter.
When I think about it deeply i find that " Sex and love is not for me" and who knows maybe i would enjoy this life much more in coming days.
Sorry for getting the years wrong on the diagnosis, but knowing that it was 17 before you were diagnosed isn't good because you've been dealing with it the whole time, and letting it 'filter' life for you.
You know, that's how I felt about ever being in a relationship with a woman--that I would destroy her life. My wife had a horrible day at work today. And as I was conforting her, she looked at me with teary eyes and said that "you are everything to me, you know that?". Of course I know that, and that moment reminded me that at the end of the day through all the ups and downs, I made her life wonderful, so wonderful. As she has done for me.
I'm not saying that a relationship is for everyone, or hell even for me until this woman came at this time in my life. If it was 5 years earlier, there's no way we would have made it a month and both of us would have been hurt.
Being in a relationship with a woman, any woman, is 99% doomed to fail. That's right, the odds of failure are HUGE. But it's because the success is so sweet, we keep trying. But you're allowed to go years, even decades without trying. The last girl I was serious about was 10 years before my wife...and I think that worked out fine for me.
When I mentioned that the feelings would never leave you fully, that's the part of life I call the 'shades of grey'. Things in our personal life are rarely as simple as black and white--each has some shades of grey in there. And it's just the way we work. It's why it's hard for humans to be as absolute as machines. Machines can be digital, zero and one, black and white, on or off. With humans, we tend to blur the lines a bit. But that's where art comes from too, so it's a beautiful part of us as well.
Think of how you absolutely want to not be attracted to women, and yet love them so much and so much more deeply than most ment. None of this is black and white. It is all shades of grey. You just have to figure out how to arrange the grey into a pattern you can live with, nay, thrive in.
Depression was just...depressing. I just lost so many years not feeling like even getting out of bed. I'm just grateful every day that I have the ability to make up for lost time. It's never too late!
I had no problem with my Ocd when i was a kid because it was mild. It got severe after 15. It was so bad that i used to lock myself up in room for whole day and sometimes cry, sometimes throw things up, sometimes vent my anger on others. I was in pure hell and i was not sure if i could even survive. I had so many issues regarding this. I pretty much wasted 1 year in extreme pain and frustations but after learning about my problem i finally had PEACE. Atleast when unwanted thoughts hit me i no longer think " Why this is happening to me, am i born to suffer etc " but " Oh so you again, buddy ( my ocd), i am not in right mood to have a conversation with you"
What you said was moving and you are really lucky to have a wife like her and so does she. Its wonderful to know about your life story and the way you deal with your depression which hampered your life. It makes me believe that happy endings real.
Success is sweet you said. What sort of success that may be ?
I am amazed with your theory about shades of grey though. You have explained it so effortlessly. Time is a some a fascinating thing , i never thought i would be asking this question here some years back but people change with time
But one thing is certain " I never wanted to become a person i am right now ". I used to see the positive in people but now negative far outweighs the positive. My vision has blurred and i think that is the reason i does not seem like a typical 18 year old.
I don't know what i actually think about women though. I have conflicted ideas about that. So, i think i better just leave this topic as it is.........
The only thing which makes me genuinly happy is to make people happy, to help them, put smile on their face, help poor etc. My OCD does not bother me when i do that. Infact it gives me Pleasure, a sense of purpose and most importantly a belief that i am not a bad person
You said its never too late but i think i was never late to begin with. If i do change one day, then maybe i would consider it......... But as for now , i have no idea.
Buying sex ?
I have some self respect for god sake. I am not so desprate to hire a prostitute. I cannot believe someone would suggest this
Excuse me all to he**.
On second thought, get off your high horse and go back to contemplating your belly button or whatever else you were doing to come up with such a ridiculous premise.
Or go out and live your life. I seriously don't care.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I see some of myself in you--not necessarily for wanting to not be attracted to women--but for everything else that makes you unique. I kind of know where you're coming from in a sense.
