My 4 year old son fears his dad (mentally, parent, problems)

[beera]

You don't need proof hun, your son is old enough if he were asked about his dad to say he is afraid of him anyways.You already know he's not good for you.

Don't you have family that can help you? If I were in your shoes my mother would take me in in a heartbeat, no questions asked!

Don't be like my mom who stayed with my dad for over 15 years of abusive, she's now deaf in one ear because of his abuse...

Get help, contact family, go to a shelter, etc, you can make a better life for your son. Do you want his memories to be filled with fear or with happiness?

[AnnaNomus]

If you are afraid of physical violence if you leave your husband, which sounds like a legitimate fear, get a lawyer and file for a restraining order immediately. If he's dangerous or unstable, you sitting by taking it out of fear is not going to make things better for you or your son. As scary as it might seem to leave, you will be much better off when you do.

As far as being afraid of living on one income and being poor, trust me, people do it all the time. I somehow supported my child making 9.25 and hour, was actually told I didn't qualify for any assistance because I made too much money, and had to get a second part time job on the weekends. And I was HAPPY to do it because my life was so much better working and seeing my child living in a happy, stable home rather than suffering living with a monster who would have made both of us miserable as hell. Things are much better now, but I can honestly tell you I would be happier living under a bridge with my baby than seeing her living in fear of her own father, unhappy in her own home. For the sake of your son, you need to get out that relationship ASAP.

[goodlife36]

Originally Posted by summer_land

My 4 year old son fears his dad/my husband and doesn't like him much. Today my son tells me that he wants me to pick him up from preschool. I tell him that his dad is picking him up and he said, "No, I want mommy" (to pick him up). I asked him why and he said "daddy mean." Also, whenever I give our son showers, he loves it and is very playful and happy. I asked my husband if our son is ever playful and happy in the shower when my husband washes him, and my husband said "no." I became curious after that. I was there one morning and my husband gave our son a shower; our son just stood in there looking at me with sad eyes. He wasn't laughing or being silly like when he was with me. In fact whenever I tell our son to do something with his dad or go ask daddy, he'll usually say "daddy mean."

I have seen how my husband is around our son; he is not the most loving person in the world. He isn't that loving to me either, and it bothers me more that he isn't as kind as I would like him to be to our son (especially since it took us several years to have a child). My husband does not know how to console our son. For example, one time when our son followed his dad in the garage and the garage door accidently hit our son, his dad immediately just yelled at him and said, "Your fault!" Our son (around 2 years old at that time) stood there crying and I had to go comfort him while his dad just walked by and yelled at him. Just a week ago, our son was throwing up and he accidently did something to his dad; his dad raised his voice and yelled at him causing our son to cry even though he was really sick. I told him to stop and quit raising his voice at him. I was bothered by how he raised his voice like that. Not the first of course.

Another time was shortly after we had lost our 2nd little boy (born premature and did not survive)-our son was being silly and did not want to put his shoes on. He kept being silly and laughing. His dad got frustrated and grabbed our son's arm with such force that he scared me (and our son). I yelled at him to not ever do that again and that he could've damaged our son's arm. I told my husband that he needs to be nicer to our son even more now because he's the only one we have.

Another time was when my son and I were both sick and he had a high temperature. My husband was contemplating on cancelling his fishing date with his friend or stay with us; he decided to leave us both alone and go fishing instead. I had to take our son to the ER shortly after he left and I wasn't feeling well myself. It was after this and other events that I decided I was going to leave my husband and take our son with me. I had it all planned out and when the time came, I decided not to do it. Another time, I did kick him out once and was about to divorce him; he was good again for a few months, but he always went back to his old self.

He is not good to me either. Let's just say we don't have sex anymore because I do not want him to touch me and he threatened to kill me once when I was pregnant. He used to call me "b*tch" everyday and "w*h*o*r*e" whenever I went out just to get the groceries among the other things he's done. Too many to name here.

So why haven't I gotten out? Fear. Fear of being poor and living on one income and not being able to provide for my son if I was the only one working. Fear of him coming after me and my son. Fear of ending up in the news that another husband kills himself and then kid and/wife. I know he will make my life hell if I divorce him. I don't even like his family either. They are not loving and his brother is just like my husband. Yes, I made a mistake.

I'm thinking about installing a hidden camera in our home to see what's going on when I'm not home. Am I overreacting regarding the fear that my son has with his dad? I mean, he is not always like that, but he is like that more than I would like him to be. Like I said before, he is not the most loving, but he is not the worst dad and husband either.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. You husband is never going to change. Your primary responsibility is to protect the child. Get a room or studio and get out of there. The first seven years of a child's life is crucial. He needs to develop healthy relationships to be a good man. Protect him.

[MB1972]

Unfortunately the OP hasn't come back to respond. Hopefully she has left that horrible guy for the sake of her son.

[Nicci6Squirrels]

If you stay, your son will inevitably grow up to be JUST LIKE his father. That's a life sentence, in my opinion.
I hope you'll find the strength to protect your son and yourself. It sounds like a very dangerous situation that you're in.
Children are very honest. Your son is reacting appropriately to whatever he's experiencing. He's telling you what's happening... just not in so many words. Listen to him and protect him.
Good luck to you. I hope you're well and that you'll do whatever you have to do to be safe.

[RaleighLass]

OP - I am so very sorry to hear of your situation. Know that many women have found themselves in this situation, you are not alone. This happens to women and some men, of all ages, races, education and income levels. I used to work for an organization that helped women who were going through what you and your child are experiencing.

The most courageous thing you can do is make the call or show up at a shelter - day or night...whenever you are ready, but soon. However, I would try not to go to a shelter near your home area. He sounds like he may come looking for you. I would choose a town further away. Some shelters can help relocate you to a safe house if necessary.

If you do not care about doing this for yourself, which can be a normal emotion considering the trauma you've experienced, you MUST do this for your child to halt the emotional and maybe physical damage he has suffered. Your child is helpless and needs you to be strong for him, do not wait to see if things change, or make a plan.

Know that shelters have the basics you will need, including clothing. So if you have to leave with nothing but your ID's, and personal papers, don't worry. I saw many women come to us with no personal belongings and ended up months later with their own apartment, and even getting financial help with rebuilding their lives included going to school. You will be eligible for many kinds of assistance, do not let your finances dictate your options.

My prayers are with you as you make this life-changing decision.

[Inkpoe]

Better to be poor and happy (secured) than to be comfortable and miserable.

But I don't know why you would post such examples then say he's not the worst dad/husband. Have you told your son this? Would you? Stop making excuses... he's already shown you it doesn't get better. He'd just reverts back to his old self once he's got you lulled. You need to find a Domestic Violence support group and just talk to these women who can help you.

[Hopes]

Summer Land,

I was reading through your old posts, and I'd like you to read what you posted a year ago begging another CD poster to leave her husband to protect her daughter. You shared how you felt about your abusive father who abused your mother and you.

Leaving my husband, at last.

Listen to your own advice. Get your child out of this ASAP. Then don't enter into another relationship with a man until you've learned how to avoid men like your father. If you can't do it for yourself, you have to do it for your son!

[IAmEverywhere]

Normally, documenting incidents in a spiral notebook would be good. And you may want to be prepared to do this in case there's another incident. Of course, it then becomes extremely important that the abuser doesn't find the spiral notebook.

It's a good idea to talk to a lawyer to protect your rights and to make sure you can get a divorce and sole custody. When you do, you should ask them whether everything you wrote in your original post, by itself, is sufficient grounds for this. If you don't need any more evidence, why put your son and yourself at risk by sticking around to get it?

I personally think there's a significant risk that hidden cameras would be found if installed by an untrained individual. Keep in mind that abusers are often very paranoid.

Don't assume you'll be able to retrieve any possessions once you've left. The good news is that I've had to get property out of multiple residences where dangerous people lived, and I was always able to salvage the important stuff. It's usually possible to remove property when the dangerous person isn't around.
- As part of your plan to get away, it might help to make a list of things that have immediate or sentimental value so you don't forget them. This can include heirlooms, photographs, awards, letters or other keepsakes.
- Do you have any friends with whom you could leave property?
- Failing that, you might be able to afford a small storage unit.

Usually, it's not difficult to get a temporary restraining order if you need one. A domestic violence shelter will be able to help you with this if necessary.

Does the abuser have access to your computer? If so, it would be wise to clear the history so he can't see that you started this thread. How to do this depends on which browser you're using. In recent versions of Internet Explorer, click the tool menu, navigate to Safety, then choose "Delete browsing history". In Firefox, under the Tools menu, choose "Clear Recent History". Safari calls clearing the history a "reset".

I really can't emphasize enough just how difficult it is to unlearn the warped personality traits that one acquires in a dangerous environment. Dangerous environments teach one to be cold, paranoid and incapable of real relationships. The longer someone is in such an environment, the harder it is to unlearn these ways of relating to the world.

I wish you and your son the best of luck in getting out of that environment and building a brighter future for yourselves.

To everyone else - I wouldn't lose too much sleep over the fact that the OP hasn't responded. Most likely, it's unwise for her to use the computer except when the abuser isn't home.

[hunterseat]

It's not fair to allow your son to get accustomed to being mistreated by the man who should love him most. How sad. You should be in family counselling at the least. All three of you.

I'd have a hard time leaving the boy alone with that monster. Protect him above all.