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I've read through this thread with interest, but this part in particular resonated with me.
I am white but I had an African-American stepfather for many years when I was growing up. He and my mom got together when I was probably 11 or 12 and got married maybe a year later. He was in the Air Force and got stationed in New Hampshire, so we had to move there from California. My sisters and I (we are all a year apart, and I am in the middle) were NOT happy to have to move so far away, but that is another story!
We drove across the country, stopping in roadside restaurants and sleeping in motels along the way. At one restaurant, my mom left to go to the bathroom, so my middle-aged stepfather was sitting at the table with 3 white female preteens/teens. After a couple of minutes, the restaurant manager came over and asked my sisters and me if we were "all right." I remember being very puzzled at the time until it dawned on me WHY he was asking: we clearly didn't "fit" with this black man so he must have, what, kidnapped us or something? (This was the 1970s -- don't remember which state we were in since they all kind of blended together along the way.)
When I think back on that incident now, as an adult, I think mostly about how that (and other racist incidents) must have affected my stepfather. He was a good, decent man, serving our country for g-d's sake, yet this manager just saw his skin color and teenagers of the "wrong" race for him and made the most horrendous assumptions.
So Kathryn, THAT is what I thought about when you wrote of your sons. How did being seen as muggers affect them? I find that story really sad.
Thanks for your thoughtful response, and for sharing your story "openly and with strangers." Your story, and your openness, seem appropriate for the thread and the topic - and the forum.
You have a unique perspective. I also know at least one other family (also military - and our family was military as well by the way), where the mother remarried and married an AA service member. I have sometimes wondered how that played out. This particular family was a family of boys so hopefully they didn't have quite the same sort of experience as yours did. Your poor stepfather!
As for my boys - well, all I can say is that early on in my life, I figured out one way to defuse potentially ugly and hurtful interactions is to laugh them off or find the humor in them, and I tried to instill this attitude and defense mechanism in my kids. Nothing makes a jerk more irritated and embarrassed than laughing in their face at their ignorance - and showing them that their prejudices will not destroy your happiness. So when this happened to my boys, we turned it into a joke and laughed it off. Not to say it didn't hurt them, but we treated it with humor and in fact it became a long standing joke. They would come up to me after that, in the mall or in public other places, and would sneak up behind me and say, "Hey, white lady - hand over your purse!" and then start laughing.
One time I had my two nearly grown boys with me at the beach somewhere. They both tower over me and are both very good looking, muscular young men. They also tan very easily so they looked quite dark after a week at the beach. In other words, we didn't look like we were related at all. As we walked together down the beach, we were walking hand in hand - or maybe I had my arms through theirs, I can't remember, but they were on either side of me. We simply were not thinking about other people - we were enjoying our time together doing one of our favorite things, which is beach combing. Anyway, they noticed that occasionally people would do a double take. Not to brag, but this was when I was in my early forties and I look younger than my age anyway, so I looked like a youngish woman, certainly not old enough to be the mother of these two young men who were both over six feet tall. In retrospect I can see how people might be confused about the relationship between the three of us. We slowly realized that some people were staring at us, and a few were glaring at us. This made us a little mad at first, but then we discussed it and worked through it.
But we refused to change our behavior, and apparently no one had the nerve to take these two strapping young men on - and we ended up enjoying a day at the beach together.
Honestly, I can't blame people for being confused when their neatly categorized minds can't cram certain sets of people into the boxes they're used to putting people into. I hope I have raised my kids to welcome the opportunities life gives us to educate people on acceptance of families which differ from their own.
OMG I can relate to so much of this post! Definitely the part about walking behind the kids as they were teens and young adults and watching people hit on them. I thought my husband was going to have to beat someone up when we took my daughters to New Orleans when they were in their late teens! No idea whatsoever that these two white people walking behind those girls were the parents! LOL
Also, I had an older gentleman actually step in between me and my sons on vacation once, when they came running up to me (teens) grabbing my arm telling me something excitedly - the older gentleman thought that these two "young black men" were about to attack me and take my purse!
My oldest daughter and her white husband adopted a little Korean boy a few years ago (the only grandson out of seven grandkids - we joke that we couldn't produce one naturally so we had to go buy us one -the whole family contributed to a fund to adopt him!). All four of their kids look markedly different from each other coloring wise, but the Asian persuasion REALLY confuses people sometimes!
And like you, we've been asked if "this is on separate checks" before as well.
Good times, good times...
When our 5th child was pg with our youngest grandson, the sonogram indicated he had club feet...the Dr told her and hubby this is often a familial tendency....our daughter called me from the Dr office and asked "MOM, DOES ANYONE IN OUR FAMILY HAVE CLUB FEET?" ......hon, you are ADOPTED, remember???!?!?!?! 2 surgeries later all is well!
When our 5th child was pg with our youngest grandson, the sonogram indicated he had club feet...the Dr told her and hubby this is often a familial tendency....our daughter called me from the Dr office and asked "MOM, DOES ANYONE IN OUR FAMILY HAVE CLUB FEET?" ......hon, you are ADOPTED, remember???!?!?!?! 2 surgeries later all is well!
Oh bless her heart! What a testament though to how well adapted she is to the reality of being adopted!
Yes, unfortunately, some black people have been completely brainwashed into believing that the lighter your skin is and the straighter your hair is, the more beautiful you are. I am very glad my mother never bought into that crap and quickly corrected anybody who said or implied such nonsense around her. I've known black families who do just that, treat the lighter skinned children better, constantly praise their "good" hair and how pretty they are, openly and in front of the other kids. I've seen it with my own dd, when a preschool teacher kept fawning over her skin and hair and had nothing to say but "she is sooooo pretty" as she sat in with other little black girls, just as pretty, but in the teacher's ignorant view, not worthy of attention because they were darker. I told the teacher "these little girls are pretty too," and she said rather dismissively, "yeah, they're cute, but she's soooo pretty." I'm sure she was had no clue about why I requested my dd be moved to a different class. That is NOT what I want her being taught. Even if you have parents who know better, if you are a black child in America, you're going to hear it from somewhere. Parents of black children have to make a special effort to instill a sense of confidence and self esteem in our children, especially our daughters. It is very sad that no one ever did that for your niece, and I'm glad to hear that she discovered it for herself.
I'm not really sure if at this point my cousins will ever be close with this side of the family. I think it was more THEIR parents that created the distance, and now that we're all adults, we don't have much in common. I'm facebook friends with them, but that's about it. We didn't grow up together or have any happy childhood memories, like I do with all my other cousins. When we do see them at large family gatherings, they kind of stay to themselves, barely speaking or socializing with anyone even when we try to include them. There are no hard feelings, just no real interest in trying to establish a relationship. The reality is, no one gains anything by fostering any kind of superiority, resentment, or negativity in children, no matter who does it. The way I see it, my cousins are the ones who lost out on having the family ties that we all have with each other. Their parents did them no favors by pampering them, and your nieces family did her no favors by denying her what sounds like a wonderful aunt and cousins either.
This post & your other post deserve a thread on their own. My brother's wife's kids have dark hair & dark eyes. My son is blonde with blue eyes. She was complaining that my son gets fawned on more than her kids because of the kids' hair & eye coloring. I used to think my son gets ""pity love"" (from the family) because he is adopted & I dismissed her as she can be very extra anyway. But unfortunately even strangers who don't know about his adoption always coo about his blonde hair & blue eyes so IMO colorism exists in EVERY race & its always an ugly thing.
I remember seeing this photo when it went viral, had no idea the story behind it nor the story as (and after) it went viral. It's a good read and thought y'all might like the story if you haven't read it already.
Good for him BUT the problem most people have with inter-racial couples is that some of them think the existense of their kids is more important than that of one race kids. There is a lot of history in the AA community regarding colorism . So it always comes off as UNAUTHENTIC when that one black guy cooing over his kids has what people view as a white TROPHY wife or insert other race here. Take the case of Lamar Odom for example. He already had black kids he was never photographed with. Now when he was with Khloe he acted like he wanted kids so bad, but dah he already had them but because they were black he did not care.
As for this guy getting mad that people think he borrowed his kids, that's because most men who look like him have kids who look like young Yaphett Kottos so yeah people EXPECT his kids to look little Yaphet Kottos. Psychologically, humans like the familiar & relate to the familiar its that simple. Its just how biology works, we expect kids to look like their parents & if they dont IMO people should UNDERSTAND it from a psychological & biological instict & NOT get mad. Its NOT personal, its how humans have been conditioned to think IMO.
Last edited by angrymillionaire; 01-07-2014 at 04:19 PM..
As for this guy getting mad that people think he borrowed his kids, that's because most men who look like him have kids who look like young Yaphett Kottos so yeah people EXPECT his kids to look little Yaphet Kottos. Psychologically, humans like the familiar & relate to the familiar its that simple. Its just how biology works, we expect kids to look like their parents & if they dont IMO people should UNDERSTAND it from a psychological & biological instict & NOT get mad. Its NOT personal, its how humans have been conditioned to think IMO.
I DO agree with this. In this thread and in others on this topic, I've relayed situations in which people stuck their foots in their mouths regarding my kids and me, because they didn't think we were related. Now - is that narrow minded of them? I prefer to think that in most cases it's just a default reaction - in other words, an honest mistake. Is that honest mistake grounded in some prejudices? Sometimes. But I also think that sometimes, like AM says above, it's just a conditioned response. And so, my kids and I give people the benefit of the doubt.
And we look at it as an opportunity to teach people about other types of families. Not in a preachy way, but by living the example of a strong, loving family...that just doesn't look like they expected a family to look. Done with graciousness and kindness and a generous spirit (as well as a sense of humor when appropriate) this response is much more positive and constructive than getting all huffy or angry or offended.
Now - I do draw a line in the sand. One time I was in a cafeteria line with all four of my smallish, brownish kids and this older white woman came up to me and patted me on the arm and said, "I just want to tell you that I've been watching you and I think you are just WONDERFUL for adopting all those kids."
Awkward. I mean, she was trying to be nice, but she was just plain wrong. What to do? So I smiled at her gently and said, "Well, thank you so much for your kind words - but these kids aren't adopted - they're mine." She didn't even listen - she just jumped right in there and said, "Oh, I know you think of them as yours - when we adopt kids we think of them as ours, but you know what I mean!"
Well, she left me with no choice. I just had to set her straight, even though I knew it was going to make her brain explode. I actually felt sorry for this nice little old lady who was trying so hard to be positive and supportive, but...darn it...she pushed the envelope. I had to correct her.
So I smiled again and said, "Well, these kids are not adopted. They are MINE - as in - they sprang from my loins."
The look on her face was priceless - priceless I tell you! I just left her standing there with her mouth wide open and I sat my kids down as far from her as we could get!
Oh well, she needed to be enlightened. That was my good deed for that day.
I DO agree with this. In this thread and in others on this topic, I've relayed situations in which people stuck their foots in their mouths regarding my kids and me, because they didn't think we were related. Now - is that narrow minded of them? I prefer to think that in most cases it's just a default reaction - in other words, an honest mistake. Is that honest mistake grounded in some prejudices? Sometimes. But I also think that sometimes, like AM says above, it's just a conditioned response. And so, my kids and I give people the benefit of the doubt.
And we look at it as an opportunity to teach people about other types of families. Not in a preachy way, but by living the example of a strong, loving family...that just doesn't look like they expected a family to look. Done with graciousness and kindness and a generous spirit (as well as a sense of humor when appropriate) this response is much more positive and constructive than getting all huffy or angry or offended.
Now - I do draw a line in the sand. One time I was in a cafeteria line with all four of my smallish, brownish kids and this older white woman came up to me and patted me on the arm and said, "I just want to tell you that I've been watching you and I think you are just WONDERFUL for adopting all those kids."
Awkward. I mean, she was trying to be nice, but she was just plain wrong. What to do? So I smiled at her gently and said, "Well, thank you so much for your kind words - but these kids aren't adopted - they're mine." She didn't even listen - she just jumped right in there and said, "Oh, I know you think of them as yours - when we adopt kids we think of them as ours, but you know what I mean!"
Well, she left me with no choice. I just had to set her straight, even though I knew it was going to make her brain explode. I actually felt sorry for this nice little old lady who was trying so hard to be positive and supportive, but...darn it...she pushed the envelope. I had to correct her.
So I smiled again and said, "Well, these kids are not adopted. They are MINE - as in - they sprang from my loins."
The look on her face was priceless - priceless I tell you! I just left her standing there with her mouth wide open and I sat my kids down as far from her as we could get!
Oh well, she needed to be enlightened. That was my good deed for that day.
LOL! Funny story! I know this can be a very sensitive topic but LOL some of the stories are so funny. I hope today this topic can be light hearted. This is really a spin off to yesterday's topic in the parenting forum. But ish hit the rocks & it got messy. I hope this can be fun.
Oh I have a question for you guys. To those who kept up with the Paula story the Southern Chef white lady who is Oprah's great friend YET she was accused of being racist by employees. Do you guys think a white person can have black friends & still be racist? Or one can adopt kids of color or have a spouse of another race & still be racist?
Also, how far should a white woman go to keep her kid's'hair kempt or rather, how far do some white women refuse to go?
LOL! Funny story! I know this can be a very sensitive topic but LOL some of the stories are so funny. I hope today this topic can be light hearted. This is really a spin off to yesterday's topic in the parenting forum. But ish hit the rocks & it got messy. I hope this can be fun.
Oh I have a question for you guys. To those who kept up with the Paula story the Southern Chef white lady who is Oprah's great friend YET she was accused of being racist by employees. Do you guys think a white person can have black friends & still be racist? Or one can adopt kids of color or have a spouse of another race & still be racist?
Also, how far should a white woman go to keep her kid's'hair kempt or rather, how far do some white women refuse to go?
AGAIN LIGHT HEARTED IS THE SPIRIT OF THIS THREAD.
Well, I am glad we can have an open and hopefully relaxed conversation about these topics. The more open and honest we are, while trying to be truly sensitive to others' experiences, the better off everyone will be.
OK - Paula Deen. Hmmmm, I have mixed feelings about her statements. For starters, she is old school southern - she went to school prior to integration and believe me, I grew up around these older folks who were racist - but in a weird sort of way - almost like they honestly had no idea because they actually had black friends and neighbors. They all grew up together interacting, even if they didn't go to school together, and everyone - black and white - had racist ideas and language. It was like total oblivion to how wrong their ideas were. I am sure that my white older relatives wouldn't want a hair on an AA child's hair harmed - in fact, my family was so entertwined with the black community that we would go to funerals in their churches, their baptisms, even their family reunions - and they were welcome to ours as well. But - NO MAKING BABIES AND NO GETTING MARRIED - that line was NOT to be crossed. Of course, integration changed all that, but these people grew up before integration. They just really DON'T GET IT.
I know this may be wrong, but I pretty much give them a pass. I don't like those outdated ideas, but unless they are hateful or rude about it, I just let it slide. After all, I have already messed up their day just by having biracial kids! All I ask of them is that they are respectful and polite and treat my kids well.
As for the hair issue with biracial kids - this can go both ways. My youngest daughter is married to a guy who is Italian, Panamanian and Puerto Rican. One of their daughters has silky, nearly perfectly straight jet black hair. It doesn't require any "black hair care products" and my daughter, who has very thick, curly (spiral curls) hair that looks basically African American is often at a loss with what to do with her oldest daughters' hair - she occasionally puts stuff in it that weighs it down and is just unnecessary.
When my girls were little, I washed their hair once a week and braided it or parted it into sections and let each section sort of naturally curl. They have pretty curly hair but my hair is also naturally curly so they got a double whammy of curl. Also my hair is thick and coarse and I only wash it about once every five days because it's also dry. So for me - their hair wasn't that hard to keep "done."
I've had several friends over the years with biracial and multiracial kids and they didn't seem to have a problem keeping their hair nice. There is a great line of hair care products called Mixed Chicks that both my daughters use and they also use those products on their kids' hair and it works great.
My oldest daughter's husband is white and their kids have MUCH different hair than my younger daughter's - and different skin tones too. They are very, very light complected and have brownish hair in loose spiral curls (one has dark brown hair, one has light brown hair and one has dark blonde hair in fact). My younger daughter's kids have much more AA influence in their hair, and my daughter likes to keep their hair as natural as possible. They have spirally curls too but they're a lot more pronounced and bouncy - they don't lay down at ALL for her two younger daughters (though her oldest daughter, like I said, has straight black hair like many Hispanics have).
We have a lot of red heads in our family. I can't tell you how relieved I am that none of my kids or grandkids got crazy, curly RED hair - LOL!
Regarding hair care, that reminds me of a child who was in my dd's dance class. She was black, her mother was white. She didn't appear to be biracial, but black. I guessed she was adopted; I never asked, and the mother never offered that information. She was a lovely little girl, but her hair was a hot mess. It looked like some attempts were made, but somebody was totally clueless about what to do, and her hair was super dry and breaking off. Every week, I used to sit there for the whole hour trying to think of a nice way to give her some suggestions without offending her, and never found the nerve.
One day, the lady brought the child to class, and her hair had been combed and cornrowed, but the cornrows were just braided straight to the back like a boy. It was very unflattering. The little girl tried pinning a bow or barrette or something in it, probably to make herself look more like a girl. Her mom commented to me while the girls were in class that she really didn't know what to do with her daughter's hair, so she had taken her someplace and paid somebody like 50 bucks to braid it, and the child hated it, kids had been teasing her, and she didn't know what to do. Finally, I was able to give her some pointers, and I realized she would have welcomed them all along, and if I had spoken up I could have saved the poor kid a lot of embarrassment, and her mom a lot of money!
But thinking back, I think I would still not just offer my unsolicited advice to a stranger unless they asked. I mean, this woman had a kid in my dd's class, but I didn't know a thing about her, not even her name. I do think that a parent should make the effort to know how to care for their child's hair, no matter what kind of hair they have. It would be hard enough to be a different race than your parent and have to deal with the ignorance and other issues that go with that, but then to be forced to walk around every day with unkempt hair would make it that much worse. Or to have to hear about how difficult their hair is, how unattractive, how their mother is so frustrated with it because she "doesn't know what to do with it..." what a way to make a little girl hate what she should actually love about herself.
At least in my base town mixed race is the new normal.
My son is Chinese/Caucasian and my daughter is First Nations/Caucasion, but their classmates represent just about every country you can imagine.
Speaking/writing on an adult level more than two or three "wanguages" is also normal.
It's all good.
I do regret not taking Spanish in school, though I did take French.
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Mixed Race: the new normal
