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I have a therapist and I'm calling her today to make an appointment. I do believe its situational. I have SERIOUS conflict in my mind over this as I am a Christian and Christians don't do this. It feels like the situation I'm in "has killed me." That best way to describ how I feel. I can't even tell you how it feels to live under someone's thumb. The best way to explain it would be, think of your childhood bully at school who picked on you everyday and embarrassed you in front of everyone at school. Now picture living with that 24/7 in your home where you can never get away from it. The problem is that I've told him he hurts me and begged to go to counseling for about 8 years but he said no and that it's my fault that he treats me that way. I need discipline and guidance. Everything is a lesson "to better myself." If I'm hurt from him correcting me and yelling it's because I'm too sensitive. I won't even go into the horrors of our sex life. I've tried to block those times out of mind completely.
When you live like this for 13 years, it really controlls every thought you have in your mind and it's all negative. It's a hot mess. Lots of pain and questions of why.
Christians aren't supposed to do what your husband is doing. You are just protecting yourself and your children. He's used your beliefs to keep you in your place.
You said earlier you feel bad because of all the people it will affect. Don't. The only person who will be "hurt" by your actions is your husband, and he is just reaping what he's sowed. You and your kids will have a better life, and more importantly a SAFE life.
Damn right you should have an attorney. Don't worry about what he's doing. He is no longer important. Just be careful as your move-out date approaches. That's when the danger level goes up. In fact, if you can, I'd say get out before then, when he's not expecting it. If it means you have to leave a lot of stuff behind, don't worry about it. Stuff can be replaced - moms and children cannot. JUST GO.
I think what might be a good alternative to leaving is to book you and your kids time 100% with activities that do not include your husband. Sign your kids (and yourself) up for sports / music lessons etc and always be out of the house.
Good fences make good neighbors. Start building some fences.
NO! Doing activities that don't include the husband is not any kind of a solution to this.
The more I read about this man, the more it makes my blood boil. Make sure your attorney has all the bases covered as far as protecting your interests. Don't be so sure that he won't hire a attorney (or hasn't already). He sounds sick and evil. If your kids see him treating you this way, they're going to grow up thinking it is acceptable behavior and do the same thing, or subject themselves to the same treatment from someone else. Do you want that?
You say that your kids are the only thing keeping you from committing suicide. Get them out of there, and don't let them see their mother being treated this way. Does your therapist know that you want to kill yourself? You have to get away from that man. Get mad! Don't stay there and take it because (he has made) you think you deserve it.
I'm working through it or trying to. I spoken with my parents and am still set to move out on my original move out date. This is by far the hardest thing I feel I've ever done in my life. The most damaging part to me is that so many lives are affected by it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat247
I have met with an attorney. I need to meet with her again so she can write something up that states everything is still half mine until the divorce is final. He's refusing to hire an attorney. We are going to try and agree to things and stay out of the courts.
That's his choice. I want the attorney on my side. We'll see.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kat247
I have a therapist and I'm calling her today to make an appointment. I do believe its situational. I have SERIOUS conflict in my mind over this as I am a Christian and Christians don't do this. It feels like the situation I'm in "has killed me." That best way to describ how I feel. I can't even tell you how it feels to live under someone's thumb. The best way to explain it would be, think of your childhood bully at school who picked on you everyday and embarrassed you in front of everyone at school. Now picture living with that 24/7 in your home where you can never get away from it. The problem is that I've told him he hurts me and begged to go to counseling for about 8 years but he said no and that it's my fault that he treats me that way. I need discipline and guidance. Everything is a lesson "to better myself." If I'm hurt from him correcting me and yelling it's because I'm too sensitive. I won't even go into the horrors of our sex life. I've tried to block those times out of mind completely.
When you live like this for 13 years, it really controlls every thought you have in your mind and it's all negative. It's a hot mess. Lots of pain and questions of why.
You're making progress, so take a minute and pat yourself on the back. A few days ago it didn't sound like you had the energy to do anything at all.
So glad you have an attorney and that you don't care whether he has one or not. That's a great sign that you're starting to assert yourself.
I urge you to stay in close contact with your therapist over the next couple of months. It sounds like there may be multiple people in your life who will try to bully you or make you feel guilty about your decision and you're going to need all the support you can get to leave this abusive situation. Also, if your church is urging you not to divorce, consider finding another church, or a different pastor. Even the Catholic church recognizes that an abusive marriage is not truly a marriage. There are plenty of churches you can go to for spiritual fulfillment that will also support your decision to live in peace.
You're making progress, so take a minute and pat yourself on the back. A few days ago it didn't sound like you had the energy to do anything at all.
So glad you have an attorney and that you don't care whether he has one or not. That's a great sign that you're starting to assert yourself.
I urge you to stay in close contact with your therapist over the next couple of months. It sounds like there may be multiple people in your life who will try to bully you or make you feel guilty about your decision and you're going to need all the support you can get to leave this abusive situation. Also, if your church is urging you not to divorce, consider finding another church, or a different pastor. Even the Catholic church recognizes that an abusive marriage is not truly a marriage. There are plenty of churches you can go to for spiritual fulfillment that will also support your decision to live in peace.
Good luck to you.
Thanks but a lot of this was in place before I lost my momentum.
It's difficult because people have said, 2 to be exact, and male, "well it's not like he's hitting you." I sometimes wonder if mental abuse is a silent killer because it can push someone over the edge and they could hurt themselves due to there feelings of extreme low self worth. I can't even explain to you how I feel about me. Well the title of this thread fits the bill perfectly.
I'm in a constant state if questioning, why, is this the right thing, what did I do to make this happen, how could I have stopped it, what more could I have done. So many questions.
Don't even try to think of the answers to those questions yet.
Act for the moment. At this moment you need to get yourself and your children out of the house and the relationship.
There will be plenty of time later to ponder those issues later.
I know. It took me years to finally understand myself.
You can't change your husband; YOU have to change. YOU are competent. YOU had a life before you even met your husband. YOU can do it.
When my partner put a loaded gun to my face, yeah, I thought "just let it end now". But I could not give up. My children needed me. No way was I going to leave them with HIM.
It seems that he does not deserve, nor did he earn, any sympathy from you. He has created this situation; he has to live with the consequences.
Thanks but a lot of this was in place before I lost my momentum.
It's difficult because people have said, 2 to be exact, and male, "well it's not like he's hitting you." I sometimes wonder if mental abuse is a silent killer because it can push someone over the edge and they could hurt themselves due to there feelings of extreme low self worth. I can't even explain to you how I feel about me. Well the title of this thread fits the bill perfectly.
Emotional abuse is extremely damaging. Many of us have suffered through it and can understand how you feel right now. Your feelings are 100% normal. Things are going to get so much better once you get out and, with time, as you heal. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.
I'm in a constant state if questioning, why, is this the right thing, what did I do to make this happen, how could I have stopped it, what more could I have done. So many questions.
Here are some answers for your questions:
Why? Because your husband is a sick, abusive, twisted person.
Is this the right thing? YES
What did I do to make this happen? Nothing. It is NOT your fault. You are a victim of his abuse.
How could I have stopped it? You couldn't--unless you left even sooner.
What more could I have done? Nothing. You didn't do anything wrong, but he humiliated you, belittled you and God knows what else.
You need to talk to other women who have been through this and come out the other side. They will tell you how much better it is going to be. But, don't wait. Just leave now. As for anyone who says, it's not like he's hitting you--what ignorance. The wounds that he's inflicting can't be seen in public, but they are there and you know it.
Thanks but a lot of this was in place before I lost my momentum.
It's difficult because people have said, 2 to be exact, and male, "well it's not like he's hitting you." I sometimes wonder if mental abuse is a silent killer because it can push someone over the edge and they could hurt themselves due to there feelings of extreme low self worth. I can't even explain to you how I feel about me. Well the title of this thread fits the bill perfectly.
You'll get your mojo back. Until then, just go through the motions. You know, fake it til you make it. I can tell he's worn you down, but you won't be down forever. As far as the people commenting, tell them to F*** Off. Say it in your head if you can't say it out loud.
Do you have a friend who can make you laugh? Or can you watch a really funny movie? Or do something fun with your kids? I find a good, genuine laugh to be very healing and energizing.
Call the therapist and the lawyer tomorrow and make appointments to see them. It's time to move a few steps forward.
I don't know if I'll be able to see my lawyer before my move out date. Hmmm I guess I'm starting to feel a breeze. I was able to run tonight. It was snowing but the temps were do able. Running has always given me strength.
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