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Old 11-29-2007, 05:08 AM
 
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Hi,

So here is another of these abstract relationship questions that I think about a lot.

So my 'ex' with the anger problem - he would have these bursts of anger, and in these bursts (in the early days when I tried to participate and fight back, these could last for hours) he would say the most devastating things. But then, the next morning, he acted as if he had never said them and his words and actions were inconsistent with what he had said. (You know, he should have never married me, he never wanted a child, etc.). Yes, I know this is a very abusive pattern - that's why I'm 600 miles away now!

My question is (and I don't want to limit it to the above, because this is something that has perplexed me with a lot of people): when people say things in anger, are they typically showing their true feelings or can this just be, you know, just what they say when they are annoyed and out of control? It seems to me that another twist is that sometimes there is a control issue - like if I say something that knocks you off your feet, then I will win the fight and you can't fight back (or whatever).

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I guess it's similar to my other perplexing question: if someone reveals a bad side (like with yelling, I hate yelling), have they revealed their true selves, even if 99.9% of the time they are lovely and charming?

PS - I'm sorry, I am running out the door, will check in later
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Old 11-29-2007, 05:14 AM
 
Location: NoVa
18,434 posts, read 28,516,023 times
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I have many thoughts on this. People say things, maybe in anger, but if those thoughts were not in their head, I believe they would not say them

I have gone through this in my life, and it is truly devastating the things people can say in 'anger' and they didn't realize they said it, and if you weren't the way you are, they wouldn't have said it, and the next day, its like they never said it, or you should not have payed attention.

I think of it like this. I have said many things in anger, but never have I had to regret or take back a thing I said, because they were my true feelings, they were not hateful or hurtful, and I did not have to apologize for what I said.

I think when people say things in anger, they mean it. It may be something normally suppressed, and that anger just lets the thoughts flow, but they would not say it, if it were not on their mind.
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Old 11-29-2007, 05:47 AM
 
Location: Back in NYS
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I agree with Robyn on this - I think whatever "comes out" when someone is angry has been there all along, just not spoken, for the most part.

One thing I've learned and try very hard to do, is to bring up something that's bothering me at the time it's bothering me, and my husband does the same - it makes it so nothing "builds" to a breaking point somewhere down the road, resulting in a screaming match (had that in previous marriage and vowed never to do that again!)

I've also had friends who seemed to thrive on the full-blown arguments where they have to have the last word and would throw out something at the end that would knock me off kilter - they USED to be friends - once I "got smart" I no longer associated with them. For a long time I would try to "make amends" for whatever they were ticked about, to get back in their good graces, then one day I woke up and decided I didn't need that drama or crap <g>.

Granted, sometimes people are stressed out for reasons we don't know and may "blow up" for seemingly no reason, start ranting and raving and then apologize later on and explain what was going on, but for the most part, especially in a close relationship, I think if something is said in anger, it's been sitting and stewing in the person's head for awhile...........
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Old 11-29-2007, 05:58 AM
 
Location: The world, where will fate take me this time?
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imho what comes out of anger comes out from the lower ego nature.

kind words always come from the soul the true self, but we humans have a trend to identify ourselves with our lower ego nature and let it command from time to time
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Old 11-29-2007, 06:11 AM
 
Location: Tennessee
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I don't beleive they mean it and heres why. Angry people started off just like anyone else but never developed the skills to obtain what they need or want through normal means, over time not being able to relate builds resentment and anger and they learn to control situations by pushing buttons. Funny while it all does run togather in the minds of victims of abuse they do still have the best account of what transpired during altercations while the aggressor often has no recollection at all or limited recollection. While we come on here and occasionally vent they let it build and explode, just a differant way of dealing with things I guess.
Just my point of view here, no expert but i've known a few.
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Old 11-29-2007, 06:47 AM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
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Excellent question!

My stbx had huge pent up explosive anger problems... and some of our more profound fights we would get into... he would really rattle of some hurtful insults. There was always the apologizing afterwards, etc. But I agree with the posters above me when they say, even if it is blown a bit out of proportion due to the intense anger at the moment, there is most likely shreds of evidence that this was something they were stewing on all along, that generally wouldn't have come out otherwise.

You can apologize for how it comes out later, but you can't apologize for it coming out. And sometimes, it's those explosive insults that come out when you're fighting head to head, that mean more deep down to you, have more of an impact, than the sweet little nothings they whisper in your ear later.

Best of intentions will only get you so far...

Last edited by Marylandkitten; 11-29-2007 at 06:47 AM.. Reason: I wrote a blog about this very subject on my website... had to look there for tidbits of info for my post!
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Old 11-29-2007, 06:55 AM
 
6,550 posts, read 12,606,614 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fiddlekitten
You can apologize for how it comes out later, but you can't apologize for it coming out. And sometimes, it's those explosive insults that come out when you're fighting head to head, that mean more deep down to you, have more of an impact, than the sweet little nothings they whisper in your ear later.
Yup, well put.... IMO it's a matter of degree really.... It's something that's there and a true feeling, but usually in an angry moment it's a more intense feeling and put in a MUCH less tactful manner so as to BE hurtful.....

To go off on a tangent I'd say alcohol is more of a "truth serum" in that you often get the honestly without the intensity.
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Old 11-29-2007, 07:06 AM
 
Location: Under the SUNNY WARM SUN ....
14,939 posts, read 10,004,883 times
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I too, was thinking about how alcohol would bring out more inner truth; loose tongue.
What's so terrible about all of these anger insults is they leave emotional scars which
can not be erased even in time. Always, say what you mean and mean what you say.
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Old 11-29-2007, 07:09 AM
 
Location: I'm not lost, I'm exploring!
3,402 posts, read 11,979,434 times
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My mom always said there was a hint of truth, when you were teasing someone, even if it was just for fun.

I think the same would go for when you're angry, or drunk, if the case may be, lol. Just because we don't express it until urged to by outside forces, doesn't mean it wasn't there all along.
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Old 11-29-2007, 07:36 AM
 
Location: California
11,425 posts, read 16,657,386 times
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I think sometimes it's just a burst to kinda hurt the person and maybe you don't mean it but sometimes maybe it's something you feel but it took getting real mad to say it.
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