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Old 02-02-2014, 06:51 AM
 
440 posts, read 668,443 times
Reputation: 628

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I should be seeing a therapist very soon.

I am 28 years old and male. Though I "suffer" from many overlapping disorders-depression, mood swings, anxiety, social anxiety, avoidant personality- I'd like to hear some unbiased opinion on this issue I seem to have.


I have never been in a relationship, ever kissed or done anything. This bothers me many times when my mind is idle. It isn't the age that worries me but the situation. I have been told I am (very) good looking by most women(and men). This is not gloating but statements to my case. I have asked 4 women out on a date in my entire life. One refused and the other three willingly agreed. I didn't show up(I blame anxiety).

Seven girls(yes, I keep count) have asked me out and I have refused politely. My anxiety takes over. In my early 20s I cried to sleep. I wondered why is it that I don't have the balls. It is only later that the social anxiety took over other spectrum of my existence did I realize this is a disorder taking control of me.

It has been more than a year and a half since I've even talked to girls. It gets easier with time and now I even seem to enjoy it. But since the last three months the issue at hand which I want your trust on has besieged me.


When I was 7 years old I was sexually abused over a span of 3 months. A man would take me to his cabin(my father was a sailor and I sailed with him when young) and offer me chocolates. He'd make me sit on his lap, and then slowly get naked. He'd ask me to masturbate him.Then make me lie on his bed and give him oral sex.

That I hated it is an understatement.

I remember to this day swinging my head left to right, begging him to stop until he came. Those few minutes are fresh in my mind even today. After the act he'd dress up, ask me to dress me up and let me go. I would not cry but silently walk to my parent's cabin. I don't remember much else but I must have been too scared to tell anyone(parents). I still remember my 7 year old face, my walk from his room to mine and the fear of having to go through it again.

I still have photographs of those times and I can easily identify him in them. In fact, I intend to someday meet him and settle the case, my way(Kill him, no lies).


My question is: Did that incident have some kind of impact on my young brain...one that made me into this ball of anxiety? I am a hundred percent straight, I love girls but could it be that from then on my subconscious mind was altered? The reason I saw this is because I don't really think over this issue all that much. It doesn't bother me on a day to day level. In fact I had pretty much lost thought of it for the majority of my teenage and early 20 years.

But, did it impact my subconscious mind and is the reason I am so unsuccessful with women and just about live with depression and anxiety? Could it?


I know this is a public forum but I thought of asking. I plan to disclose it to a therapist when I see one.
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Old 02-02-2014, 07:00 AM
 
Location: Europe
2,731 posts, read 1,955,489 times
Reputation: 4148
You have still time to live like you would want to. Don't give up!
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Old 02-02-2014, 08:51 AM
 
994 posts, read 1,198,159 times
Reputation: 1995
This is the easiest question to answer that I've ever seen on this board.

Yes, being sexually abused as a child is well known to affect a person throughout the rest of his or her life. Especially when addressing the abuse is put off for years, as is your case.
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Old 02-02-2014, 08:56 AM
 
7,497 posts, read 9,272,211 times
Reputation: 7394
Yes, it does affect you, and yes it does contribute to your problem. Have you ever considered therapy? Therapists are professionals at helping you solve these problems and move on in a way that helps you heal and grow. Good luck to you.
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Old 02-02-2014, 09:06 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh
21,461 posts, read 22,692,102 times
Reputation: 45123
Is your abuser still in your parents' social circle? You can tell a therapist to begin working through your issues, but maybe you should also tell your parents as well.
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Old 02-02-2014, 10:36 AM
 
440 posts, read 668,443 times
Reputation: 628
Quote:
Originally Posted by fleetiebelle View Post
Is your abuser still in your parents' social circle? You can tell a therapist to begin working through your issues, but maybe you should also tell your parents as well.
There's absolutely no way I will tell my parents. They will be devastated, especially mother, and think its all their fault. Besides, they can't do anything now, anyway. Can they?

No, he isn't in their circles. He was an officer on board a merchant marine ship in 1992 when my father was the chief officer.
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Old 02-02-2014, 02:28 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
72,648 posts, read 64,111,757 times
Reputation: 68389
Be sure you choose a therapist with ample experience in dealing with childhood trauma.

I knew a guy who had been routinely sexually abused by female relatives (yes, more than one) for years as a child. As an adult, he had depression, relationship problems including a divorce, couldn't relate well to his kids, especially his daughter, and other issues. After 2-3 years with the right therapist, he was able to go off his anti-depressants permanently, vastly improved his relationship with his kids and his ex, and moved on to have a happy life.

It IS possible. There IS light at the end of the tunnel! You're getting into therapy much younger than the guy I mention, who was already a divorced father of teens by the time he went into therapy. You have your whole life a head of you. Make the most of it! I would recommend psychologists trained to do a trauma treatment called "EMDR" and/or "Somatic Experiencing". These are cutting-edge treatments that get quick, lasting results. Therapists who do trauma work will advertise that in their online or phone directory ads.
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Old 02-02-2014, 03:24 PM
 
6,461 posts, read 6,094,894 times
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Your story is a very sad one and not as uncommon as you would think. I think you have been through a terrible experience and you need to seek a qualified therapist.

It is not you fault. You did nothing wrong and did not deserve this abuse. You are not to blame in any aspect and this person was a child predator. You should not feel shame, as you had zero control over the situation. You were powerless then, but you can regain your power now.

Please see a therapist as soon as you can. If you can't afford one, please see if your parents can help you pay for one. I would also recommend talking with your parents about this. They will be devastated for a bit, but they will heal and so will you.
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Old 02-04-2014, 03:02 AM
 
3,942 posts, read 3,871,659 times
Reputation: 4682
Quote:
Originally Posted by rishi85 View Post
I should be seeing a therapist very soon.

I am 28 years old and male. Though I "suffer" from many overlapping disorders-depression, mood swings, anxiety, social anxiety, avoidant personality- I'd like to hear some unbiased opinion on this issue I seem to have.


I have never been in a relationship, ever kissed or done anything. This bothers me many times when my mind is idle. It isn't the age that worries me but the situation. I have been told I am (very) good looking by most women(and men). This is not gloating but statements to my case. I have asked 4 women out on a date in my entire life. One refused and the other three willingly agreed. I didn't show up(I blame anxiety).

Seven girls(yes, I keep count) have asked me out and I have refused politely. My anxiety takes over. In my early 20s I cried to sleep. I wondered why is it that I don't have the balls. It is only later that the social anxiety took over other spectrum of my existence did I realize this is a disorder taking control of me.

It has been more than a year and a half since I've even talked to girls. It gets easier with time and now I even seem to enjoy it. But since the last three months the issue at hand which I want your trust on has besieged me.


When I was 7 years old I was sexually abused over a span of 3 months. A man would take me to his cabin(my father was a sailor and I sailed with him when young) and offer me chocolates. He'd make me sit on his lap, and then slowly get naked. He'd ask me to masturbate him.Then make me lie on his bed and give him oral sex.

That I hated it is an understatement.

I remember to this day swinging my head left to right, begging him to stop until he came. Those few minutes are fresh in my mind even today. After the act he'd dress up, ask me to dress me up and let me go. I would not cry but silently walk to my parent's cabin. I don't remember much else but I must have been too scared to tell anyone(parents). I still remember my 7 year old face, my walk from his room to mine and the fear of having to go through it again.

I still have photographs of those times and I can easily identify him in them. In fact, I intend to someday meet him and settle the case, my way(Kill him, no lies).


My question is: Did that incident have some kind of impact on my young brain...one that made me into this ball of anxiety? I am a hundred percent straight, I love girls but could it be that from then on my subconscious mind was altered? The reason I saw this is because I don't really think over this issue all that much. It doesn't bother me on a day to day level. In fact I had pretty much lost thought of it for the majority of my teenage and early 20 years.

But, did it impact my subconscious mind and is the reason I am so unsuccessful with women and just about live with depression and anxiety? Could it?


I know this is a public forum but I thought of asking. I plan to disclose it to a therapist when I see one.
The incident may not occupy your mind day-to-day, but trauma can manifest itself physiologically, too. Very much so, unconsciously.

Your anxiety as a way of coping, in which you probably weren't always aware of kicks in and your cortisol levels, stress hormones are all interrelated. They rise, they fall. They also inhibit you from taking risks/chances in order to avoid pain. Avoidance strategies are all defense mechanisms that helped you to survive at that time in your life when you were 7, but also hinders you in fully engaging in with life now.

Sometimes, deep seated pain, although unjust, allows you to be stronger than you know it, and allows you to see life in a different and remarkable way you can come to appreciate. And, I hope you find someone you can trust enough to let in..

Maybe trust is something to explore in your therapeutic sessions. Trust is central to all relationships, and for someone who survived sexual abuse? Not always easy to do.. Best wishes to you, and thank you for sharing your personal story with us. I hope you find peace and resolution.
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