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I guess I see it as unfair that I have to do the very difficult work of repair when I didn't "break" it in the first place. I feel like I am letting her off easy.
What's the alternative? Stay broken?
Do you really want to sacrifice your own future happiness just to show her how she ruined you?
Throughout my childhood we had a water well or a water cistern, and a septic field. With the cistern, we didn't take baths because of the cost of water. Instead we went swimming every day. I went to bed hungry often because I didn't like what was on the plate and the heat was rarely above 65. If we were cold, we were told to put on a sweater. Quality time with individual children is sometimes difficult to manage with a family, but parents do their best. Other than sociopaths, parents have good intentions, but all parents fail somewhere along the way and they know it.
There's a film made in the 1960s in the US. Children are divided into two groups and told that a particular teacher that they have yet to meet is nice, or not nice. After meeting the teacher, children are asked to rank the teacher. They ranked the teacher in the same way that they were influenced before meeting the teacher. As the theory goes ... If a child is repeatedly told that she/he has poor self esteem, the child will start to believe it. What you should do is ask your mother to stop telling you that you have low self esteem because you don't, and saying so isn't helpful or true. Each time she says it, you need to explain why it isn't true. If it is true and there is a self esteem problem, then perhaps that needs to be refocused to looking internally. It might be nothing more than an attitude shift away from parental blaming and onto possible short and long term goals.
Aren't children born with self esteem, and it is something that is strongly influenced by environmental and interpersonal relationships? For example, the child with undiagnosed poor eyesight may repeatedly fall. This may lead to being teased. This could lead to self esteem issues. I think it's very difficult to pinpoint where self esteem goes south, but I think it has something to do with who we were at the beginning ... and how resilient we are.
So self esteem is a lottery and some are born with more than others? Hmmm...further research is in order.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes
What's the alternative? Stay broken?
Do you really want to sacrifice your own future happiness just to show her how she ruined you?
That sounds to me like you're letting her win.
When you put it that way....
Quote:
Originally Posted by jerseygal4u
My own low self esteem was a combination of my parents and bullying.
Were you bullied in school?
Is your life better now?
I was teased due to a birth defect. I wasn't physically bullied.
Yes, my life is better now. I have made some poor choices due to how I feel about myself, but I have bounced back. I could be so much further in life now. I do realize that the choices I made as an adult are on me. I just wonder where the compulsion to hurt myself comes from.
As I said in my post above, I am going to research this further.
I guess I see it as unfair that I have to do the very difficult work of repair when I didn't "break" it in the first place. I feel like I am letting her off easy.
A large part of me is full of resentment. Life is extremely difficult if you don't love yourself, and I feel like I'm playing catchup to people who have loved themselves their entire lives.
I hope that I'm making sense.
You are absolutely making sense...I'm right there with you, and this experience is very typical for children of dysfunctional families. We are smart enough to recognize that our parents were struggling with some pretty heavy stuff, and almost certainly had family baggage of their own. Likely they were victims also. We can empathize with this, but it doesn't necessarily make our own journey any more comfortable.
My mom is the same way...she finds ways to revise our history that make it someone else's fault, and it infuriates my brother and me. She has apologized after a fashion, but doesn't hesitate to tell stories that are not actually true in an effort to make herself look better. Her favorite method has been to blame her mother for everything, who has been dead for 45 years. She's been in therapy for 32 years, and she must have the worst psychiatrist in the world because she is not one bit better. The only thing that has helped has been us setting up boundaries that work for us, which has left her confused and lonely.
Don't worry about playing catch up. Most people have NOT been loving themselves all their lives! A majority of the people I meet have worked hard to get the 'self-esteem' that you feel comes easy. It doesn't come easy to anyone. Self-awareness comes first. then self-acceptance. Blessings to you on your journey!
Self-esteem comes from facing challenges, working hard, and succeeding. Ideally, parents provide a nurturing environment where a child can go through this process with support but without the parents keeping them from having to face challenges and work hard.
Set goals for yourself (measurable and with a date), and work hard to accomplish them. When you see what you are capable of with work and commitment, you will grow to appreciate yourself. It may be late in coming, but it will be worthwhile when it does.
I wasn't sure if this belonged in the Parenting or Psychology thread.
I was raised (or not) by an addicted mother, with all that entails. Neglect not only of affection and quality time, but basic physical needs. I still remember going to bed hungry, the heat being turned off in winter, going to the neighbor's house to get buckets of water, etc.
Needless to say, I have suffered from self-worth problems my entire life. My mother (who is addicted to Jesus now ) says that I should just forgive and forget.
She tells anyone who will listen that I have low self-esteem. My response is, "whose fault is that?".
What do you parents think? Is it a parent's job to instill self-esteem in their children?
How do you learn self love or develop self worth if you never had it?
You can't GIVE someone self-esteem. Self-esteem is developed internally by children who successfully overcome obstacles and develop the confidence that they CAN handle issues that come up. It starts small -- successfully feeding yourself, successfully building a block tower, successfully learning how to tie a shoe . . . and so on. Self-esteem comes along when a child is able to internalize their own rewards -- they do something for the satisfaction of completing it successfully, whether it's a lemonade stand or a masters degree. It's certainly a parent's job to provide opportunities for a child to learn how to succeed and to learn how to internalize that reward system. However, there's a fine line between supporting a child's effort (and sometimes, failing is actually a blessing, because a child learns how to pick themselves up and move on) and the constant "self-esteem-building" crapola that has led to the proliferation of trophies just for showing up.
You sound as if you grew up in a highly abusive situation, both physical and emotional. But that's history. At this point, it's time for you to take charge of your own psyche. If you haven't had some sort of counseling, I would strongly suggest that you explore talking to a counselor about your confidence issues -- I suspect you probably also have some fairly significant relationship attachment issues that may need addressing, too. It doesn't have to be years and years of therapy -- just enough to recognize your hot buttons and some coping mechanisms.
Meanwhile, you need to start focusing on your own strengths and accepting that you are a person of worth, talents and skills. Stop blaming your mom -- it's a waste of time, you know why she was the way she was, but at this point, it's all on you. She had a shot and blew it -- it happens. Not every parent is perfect, because they are human beings and each has their own issues to deal with. Try volunteering where you can make a difference -- sometimes, giving part of yourself in a worthwhile cause helps you more than your volunteer object.
I guess I see it as unfair that I have to do the very difficult work of repair when I didn't "break" it in the first place. I feel like I am letting her off easy.
A large part of me is full of resentment. Life is extremely difficult if you don't love yourself, and I feel like I'm playing catchup to people who have loved themselves their entire lives.
I hope that I'm making sense.
Yes, it makes sense -- but at this point, it's all on you. Not every parent is a good parent, unfortunately. Parenting is a difficult job, and some people just aren't cut out for it. I suspect that when you find it possible to forgive her for her mistakes, you will find that you have come a long way towards accepting that yeah, you didn't have an ideal childhood, but it's ok, you grew up, anyway, and you still own your own life.
I can understand being jealous of what you didn't have, and envying that others seemed to have charmed childhoods. But does that jealousy serve you now? No. What does not kill you makes you strong. You are strong -- strong enough to question and be angry. Use that strength.
You aren't "letting her off easy" -- because you are not her judge and jury. You are her child. She is your mother. You made mistakes, she loved you anyway, but maybe not as much as she loved herself, at the time. Parents are not omnipotent and all-wise. We're just . . . people. Some are better at parenting than others. Doesn't sound like your mom had a good example at being a parent, either. She is who she is. Accept it and move on. You are here, you are alive, and the world is full of possibilities.
As I mentioned earlier, you would probably benefit greatly from a short course of counseling, if for no other reason than to be able to put the resentment aside and spend your efforts in more emotionally healthy ways.
It is not reliant on one, but I believe that parents play an instrumental role in helping their child's self esteem, make them feel good about themselves and only give constructive criticism when needed. But there is more to that also.
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) says that I should just forgive and forget.
