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I haven't read everyone's reply because I don't want to read 8 pages of responses but I'm your wife in my relationship (but I'm the male).
My wife pointed out to me that I'm a high-functioning alcoholic. I'm in one of the most respected and sought-out careers but I never let my drinking affect my work. I do not drink to the point of getting drunk every night - I have one or two beers on the weekdays but on the weekends I could have up to a six-pack a night.
Honestly, I thought nothing was wrong with this considering I'm successful but it does affect my relationship with my wife. I'm just not quite the same even when I have a slight buzz.
I realize now that I need to make a change. I plead with you, if you love her, not to leave her. This is a mental disease and although it may seem like she has a choice, the pendulum sways towards drinking. There are at times where I have the choice to turn right (to go home) or left (to get beer) - I nearly always turn left. I feel like an evil force takes me over every time.
In my opinion, she needs to figure out what she can do to disassociate herself with drinking that much. She might need new friends (I have a heavy drinking set of friends) or she might need to start working out more (not saying that she doesn't). But these are the things that have helped me and I've considered even taking that pill that will make you sick if you drink.
Once again, if there is enough love to want to be with her indefinitely, I would help her, not leave her. I would be devastated if my wife left and I greatly appreciate all the support she has given me.
You don't sound the OP's girlfriend at all. His girlfriend got sloppy, embarrassingly drunk.
Maybe you just need a wife that drinks a little. A beer or two a night and a 6 pack on the weekends is NOT problematic for most social drinkers. Your wife needs to ease up on you a bit! Geez. I wish my husband only drank a beer or two a night...
^That reminds me of a guy my ex once knew. He was in the bar after a baseball game, drinking a soda. My ex asked him if he could buy him a drink. The guy said no, he'd quit drinking alcohol four years before. My ex asked him if he'd gotten a DWI that had set him off to AA or something. He said, no, he just realized one day that every time he got into trouble he was drunk, and so he decided to stop drinking and see if his life went better, and it did, so he never drank again. No meetings, no rehab, just stopped and found that life worked better for him. Not everyone can do that, of course, but this guy probably wasn't the only one who worked it like that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissTerri
He may not have been an alcoholic though. Not everyone who gives up alcohol is an alcoholic.
That is true, of course, but I was providing an example to Finster's statement, "Some people realize, through whatever means, that they cannot go on drinking and that alcohol is having a serious adverse effect on their lives. And they stop. And get on with their lives."
Oh my god. Seriously could there be more doom and gloom? No wonder people take years to admit they're alcoholics, even to themselves.
There's so much shaming here. Not everyone has a "rock bottom". Not everyone has a long and arduous journey. Not everyone suffers for the rest of their lives because they're unable to drink. Not everyone who suffers from alcoholism is the worst person that you could possibly ever have a relatiinship with.
Some people realize, through whatever means, that they cannot go on drinking and that alcohol is having a serious adverse effect on their lives. And they stop. And get on with their lives.
Yes it can be very hard to overcome and some people never do. But they aren't everybody. I believe there's a lot of people who without a lot of fanfare and dramatics changed their lives for the better and got on with it.
But nobody ever tells those stories.
If anybody reading this is having problems with booze, you can get better and life is not a constant uphill battle just because you don't drink anymore, in fact to the contrary - it's a huge relief, and after not very long at all you'll wonder what the obsession was all about.
Don't be ashamed. You don't need to drink yourself to death because people have labelled you and now you are too embarrassed to do anything about it. There's help out there and a fulfilling life waiting.
Everyone has issues of some kind. If you don't have an addiction, be glad. If you do, you can change it for the better. If you're with someone who does, and they are not aware enough to change... do what's best for you as soon as you can and don't wait.
This is a great post, Finster. I have been guilty (and you've seen it) of lumping all alcoholic and addicts together as having the same traits and the same behaviors. That perception was simply colored by my experience with the alcoholics and addicts in my life.
While a lot of similar characteristics do appear in some addicts, it makes no more sense to lump them all together and make assumptions about an individual in that group than it does to make assumptions about an individual in any other group that can be identified by similarities, be they religious, racial, or whatever.
However, I love her. Do I stay with her or not? I feel like she is bringing me down with her. I don’t want to spend my entire life taking care of her or dealing with her drunkenness. What do I do?
Hey if you want to deal with an alcoholic all your life then go for it...that is some SERIOUS baggage though....If it were me and I truly couldn't get over her for some reason, first I'd encourage her to get a whole lotta help...if she was unwilling then I would move on...but it is your life, but living with an alcoholic is likely going to be miserable long term...hopefully you don't have to find out the hard way.
This is a great post, Finster. I have been guilty (and you've seen it) of lumping all alcoholic and addicts together as having the same traits and the same behaviors. That perception was simply colored by my experience with the alcoholics and addicts in my life.
While a lot of similar characteristics do appear in some addicts, it makes no more sense to lump them all together and make assumptions about an individual in that group than it does to make assumptions about an individual in any other group that can be identified by similarities, be they religious, racial, or whatever.
Miss Queen, I do believe this is one of the most worthwhile moments I have experienced on CD. Thank you for understanding and even more, comprehending on a personal level. You're amazing.
Just thought I would add this 17 years ago I married an alcoholic and last week he literally drank himself to death alone in a dirty apartment and nobody found his body for three days. This was a man that had a masters degree, retired at age 47, we owned a house two wonderful dogs, vacations all our bills paid for in full. I now get everything including the sadness and the guilt.....the PTSD the bruises on my heart. I lost my dogs because now I live in a tiny apartment because my husband cared more about drinking than paying the mortgage. Mostly he is now dead though.
That is really sad...and sadly really common.
My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you mentioned having PTSD. I was diagnosed with it as well, and I never share that with anyone in my family or circle of friends. For starters most of them couldn't handle having to know that - way too uncomfortable given our family dynamics. But I also don't bring it up because so many people I know think only military vets can get PTSD, for everyone else it's just psycho-babble. But I've been there too - I get you, stormynh. I know I should have my sh*t together by now - it's been 8 years since he died. But it was 18 years of a slow downward spiral that led up to his death. It's those moments, in all those years, those memories that come out of nowhere & force me to relive a little bit of hell I thought I'd forgotten. That's the stuff I wish alcoholics could see - what it's doing to those they love.
Years and years of counselling alcoholics have given me one irrefutable take-away; they must be confronted with the ultimate end scenario of servicing their addiction. Enabling them is akin to slowly aiding a terribly long and painful suicide.
The very, very, rare few are able to understand their ultimate destination by being shown the end result without experiencing it, but MOST have to experience being right at the bottom of that long dark mineshaft of despair where there is nowhere else to go but out of life's opportunity altogether or upwards, but the climb will be long and arduous.
An alcoholic's life WILL be marked by many missteps regardless. All those choosing to nurture an alcoholic need immeasurable amounts of strength, devotion and forgiveness.
Were I in the position of watching a friend committing to an alcoholic; I would try every persuasive argument I could think of to dissuade them, failing that goal, I would prepare myself for a very long period of providing a shoulder for their need.
If I've succeeded in postulating a bleak and foreboding future for anyone thinking of committing to an alcoholic, good, because you are betting against the house with every deck on the table stacked against you.
Work at your current sphere of friendships to cement them solidly because you ARE most certainly going to need them.
Well said. I remember getting so bent out of shape when just a few years ago, someone who didn't know my husband asked me how he died. The words "long & painful suicide" came up and still ring just as true. What got me so bent is this person had never been thru it, and yet had no problem telling me I helped kill him by enabling him. I didn't see the enabling then, and sometimes I don't see it now. But other times....it floods the senses. Husband is dead and gone on to hopefully whatever waits beyond death. The survivors just keep living with the guilt and "what ifs".
Well said. I remember getting so bent out of shape when just a few years ago, someone who didn't know my husband asked me how he died. The words "long & painful suicide" came up and still ring just as true. What got me so bent is this person had never been thru it, and yet had no problem telling me I helped kill him by enabling him. I didn't see the enabling then, and sometimes I don't see it now. But other times....it floods the senses. Husband is dead and gone on to hopefully whatever waits beyond death. The survivors just keep living with the guilt and "what ifs".
Best described as "survivor guilt" which has no place in your life.
We commence the process of adulthood through the puberty frame of time of accepting the fact that our lives take the course we plot through our decision making process.
You only need to ask yourself one question to determine to what effect and severity your role played:
Is it your belief that had you not been anything more than a casual observer in your husband's life the end result would have been markedly different.
Can you honestly say, without attaching qualifiers and what ifs, that had you simply been a casual bystander instead of taking a nurturing role, his demise would have been patterned measurably different?
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