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I’m 30 and she’s 27. We’ve been dating for a year and a half and live together. At first, I thought she was just a fun sorority girl who liked to go out and have fun on the weekends. But now, I see it’s much worse than that. She drinks as she cooks dinner almost every night. She drinks at brunch, after a night out to help the hangovers. She drinks to the point that she can’t stand almost every weekend. Lately, it’s been almost embarrassing to take her to social events, as I know she’s going to make a scene and stumble everywhere. She gets upset with herself after a day of drinking and she realizes all the money she spent and how dumb she acts.
The thing is, she’s a very smart and successful girl. She has a great corporate job and never let’s drinking effect her performance at work.
I’ve told her I’m concerned. I’ve told her it bothers me. She says when I tell her that I’m concerned for her, that it makes her feel bad and that she will try to control herself better. But, it never happens. It’s getting to the point that I don’t even believe that she wants to change anymore. Last weekend, when we were at a birthday party, I joked with her saying “Just watch, you’ll be up drunk dancing (to the band) in 2 hrs” and she said, “no, I won’t.” Literally, 2 hours later she couldn’t even stand. It’s pathetic.
However, I love her. Do I stay with her or not? I feel like she is bringing me down with her. I don’t want to spend my entire life taking care of her or dealing with her drunkenness. What do I do?
She clearly is not emotionally healthy.
If you love her, you might go to some Al-Anon meetings.
She will not get better unless she decides to get better. Alcohol has yet to make anyone smarter.
It's been almost two years since I posted the original thread. The girl and I broke up, when I found empty wine bottles she was hiding in our closet around this time last year.
In April, 2015 I slept on the couch for the last month of our lease of our apartment, and I bought a small condo near the beach and took the dog with me.
In October, 2015 she received a transfer and a slight increase in pay at her job and moved in with her mom back on the East coast to save some money. We now live 3,000 miles from each other.
I haven't spoken with her in months, but last I did, she acknowledged to me that she may have a problem. I really hope she's doing better, happy, and healthy. I want to check up on her, but I don't want to fight or start an argument. I wish I could tell her I care about her without actually saying it.
Not sure what the point is in updating this thread, but its somehow therapeutic to me. Rereading what I was feeling two years ago is really eye opening.
A relationship is a two-way street. Each individual has to figure out what works for them individually, and then see if you can each meet in the middle. It doesn't always work that way (just look at the divorce rate).
In August I'll be married 37 years. It's been very complicated the past decade for a variety of reasons. My wife & I had our 3rd counseling session yesterday. We're still trying. Very long story short (just the current issue at hand) is my wife hasn't admitted to the word addiction but has been using crack/cocaine. She says she's only addicted to cigarettes, but my fear is she has an addictive personality.
I've beaten myself up for years now, because somewhere deep down I chose to physically stay in the game/marriage. So many times I just thought about ending it, but regardless of the difficulties I continued to get stopped by my belief in the marriage vows and how still I love my wife. It's been mixed with a ton of other feelings of late (anger, betrayal...you name it), but I chose to keep fighting.
But that's just me. In some cases (and maybe down the road for my own marriage), separation may be the only thing that will work. Bottom line is the situation sucks big time, and hopefully today things for yourself are more positive.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
It's a terrible thing, addiction. I've lost a couple of people and a marriage to alcohol. We are raised with this fairy tale that love can conquer anything, but it's not true when it comes to addiction. They will throw away spouses, mothers, fathers, siblings, children, to get whatever it is they crave. Nothing else matters.
I always toss the concept of love being the reason I'm still here hanging on and fighting. Some of it is true, but I don't believe love is the last stand so to speak. Love is about two people, but at the end of the day I have to reconcile life with myself first. And that's prior to any other feelings including love. Love is a part (a major one) in my life, yet it's intertwined with everything else (work, family, social).
Addiction creates the highest form of denial. It's actually amazing seeing how an addicted mind can succumb to denial, and seeing it first hand with a person I've known for 39 years. The difference in her actions under addiction versus her "old self" are striking at times. It's sad to me, and that's probably why I'm still here battling it out and taking a lot of life on the chin (I have plenty of hurt going on). I can't just point the finger and say it's her fault for being addicted. Addiction is a medical disease in my opinion, and to some it just can't be controlled that easily, if at all.
I broke up with someone over this plus a cocaine addition that I discovered in a hilarious fashion. He was hiding in a closet, not wanting me to see him high. He actually held on to the door knob from the inside. I said you realize that you holding onto this doorknob means I know you're in there? May as well come out and tell me what is happening.
Me packing up and leaving caused him to go to NA/AA and change his life, with the hope that he would win me back. I didn't go for that. Maybe I should have. He went on to get clean and sober and stay that way.
I broke up with someone over this plus a cocaine addition that I discovered in a hilarious fashion. He was hiding in a closet, not wanting me to see him high. He actually held on to the door knob from the inside. I said you realize that you holding onto this doorknob means I know you're in there? May as well come out and tell me what is happening.
Me packing up and leaving caused him to go to NA/AA and change his life, with the hope that he would win me back. I didn't go for that. Maybe I should have. He went on to get clean and sober and stay that way.
It probably wouldn't have worked because your relationship was lopsided when it began. My ex-husband did much better after I threw him out, too. I was the typical caretaker/codependent. But, I'm better now.
My daughter experienced the same thing. She is bi-polar and an alcoholic, which is common with bi-polar people. She was living with a guy overseas when her illness began to manifest itself, and he took good care of her and saw her through all the crazy. They broke up when they returned to the US. She had her worst meltdown and hospitalization after she was home a few months, and she's medicated and in therapy and pursuing her PhD and doing very well now.
That boyfriend is now her roommate. They are best friends, but the relationship as it was before has been over for more than two years. It could not be the same.
It probably wouldn't have worked because your relationship was lopsided when it began. My ex-husband did much better after I threw him out, too. I was the typical caretaker/codependent. But, I'm better now.
My daughter experienced the same thing. She is bi-polar and an alcoholic, which is common with bi-polar people. She was living with a guy overseas when her illness began to manifest itself, and he took good care of her and saw her through all the crazy. They broke up when they returned to the US. She had her worst meltdown and hospitalization after she was home a few months, and she's medicated and in therapy and pursuing her PhD and doing very well now.
That boyfriend is now her roommate. They are best friends, but the relationship as it was before has been over for more than two years. It could not be the same.
I find the opposite. Most alcoholics can be diagnosed as bipolar.
When they recover the bipolar symptoms go away.
A lot of members in AA talk about their bipolar, its known as "sobriety losing its priority" and
they fail to recover.
" these things may be of interest to the scientific mind but have nothing to do with our simple spiritual program of recovery".
Dr Bob.
I find the opposite. Most alcoholics can be diagnosed as bipolar.
When they recover the bipolar symptoms go away.
A lot of members in AA talk about their bipolar, its known as "sobriety losing its priority" and
they fail to recover.
" these things may be of interest to the scientific mind but have nothing to do with our simple spiritual program of recovery".
Dr Bob.
Interesting. Her bipolar did not go away, nor will it. She will always have to take lithium.
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