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Within my circle of family and friends, there is a certain person who, frankly, is a lifetime mess.
Alcoholism.
Massive, open infidelity.
Prone to angry outbursts, often in public.
Abusive to spouse, in public and private
Poor physical health (weight yo-yos 40# once or twice a year and everything that goes along with it).
$$ shenanigans.
OK, whatever, right? Not my life. So what's the problem?
Here's what I don't get.
Many other people in the circle love to talk about this person in a negative, gossipy light, like how horrible he is, what a terrible husband/father/sibling/whatever. Can you believe he did this or that, how dare he ___, he should be ashamed, etc.
The thing is, when *I* get to that point with someone they very quickly become a miniscule part of my circle/life and I really have very little to do with them. Not on any sort of a punitive basis, but I just don't live that way and it's not naturally attractive and I gravitate toward attractive things if that makes sense.
So why would I get criticized if I act on this? Like by declining an invitation, or walking away from a conversation about him? And this coming from the others who seem to revel in criticizing him non-stop?
What's the psychology behind it?
I get the notion of separating the act from the person, and the whole 'prodigal son' sort of thing and being forgiving bla bla bla. But I don't get how that very kind way of looking at a situation is backward-compatible with the 95% of the time the group spends criticizing him.
Not sure If I'm getting your point. It sounds like this:
Guy you know is a loser and basically a horrible person.
Because of this guy's ongoing behavior, you've distanced yourself, and he's really not important to you.
The other people you know have not distanced themselves, and they go on & on talking about all his faults, spending way too much time focused on him.
You can't understand wasting energy even talking about this guy.
You got criticized by the others because you pointed out that they're spending way too much energy on talking about this guy.
Is that right?
The "psychology" behind it?
Sounds like you are well-grounded, and able to prioritize what's important and not important in your life, while the others in your circle might not be so well grounded or good at prioritizing what's important.
Also, some people just feel a NEED to gossip and talking negatively about people. Some times people deserve this gossip and talk, like this guy in question probably does, but spending so much time & energy talking about him is giving him WAY too much importance and power. You happen to get this; the others in your circle apparently don't. They are still getting some benefit/pay-off out of talking about him.
What is that pay-off? Maybe they feel better about themselves by talking about how terrible he is. Maybe they just "get off" on the sensationalism of spreading gossip/ negative news about him. Maybe in the circle of family & friends, there is little else to talk about, little else they have in common, except a dislike of the guy. I have a few people I know, with whom I have nothing in common except our shared dislike of some person or institution we're forced to deal with; so our conversations tend to be just about that, and little else.
We've had several other threads about why people gossip. Though I understand it on an intellectual level, I don't "get" it on an emotional level, because like you, when a person means very little to me, I can't dig up enough energy to waste my breath talking about them. It doesn't mean I'm not judgmental. On the contrary. I just can't see wasting energy forming and sharing judgments about people who are of no importance to me. If it's someone I'm forced to keep dealing with in my current life, then yes, I'll blow off steam by venting to someone I trust who also shares my opinions.
It's just weird, no matter how much the group seems to see this person in a constant negative light, they get sort of protective of him at times when THEY HEAR something negative about him. As if, "hey, only WE'RE allowed to sheit on him."
Or if I decline an invite from him, so to speak, and choose to something else with my Saturday afternoon it's as if I've committed some bewildering act specifically in protest. I'm not...I just don't feel like watching this whole charade unfold once again.
I would understand the thinking behind all this if someone were to flat-out say "yeah, he's an a-hole, but once in a while I feel it's important to socialize with him, maybe some day he'll change, but I'm OK if you feel and act otherwise." Well, that and if they cut down on the gossip if they're not prepared to do anything about it.
I like TracySam's approach, and I'll add some more social dynamics hypothetical stuff:
I came from a "clicky" kind of environment when I lived in Michigan. This "clique" was hard to get into and even harder to get out of. I moved thousands of miles away and still find myself part of it ten years later. Of course, the aroma isn't quite so strong anymore......
There are some folks that tend to hang out with my loved ones that I don't particularly care for too much, but I attend the Get-Togethers religiously. Not so much that I'm a glutton for punishment.....but for the opportunity to spend time with some great people.
Location: East of Seattle since 1992, 615' Elevation, Zone 8b - originally from SF Bay Area
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Ego. People criticize those less successful than themselves because it makes them appear better by comparison. They are really discussing their own superiority. In many/most cases these people are not really satisfied with their own level of success. Those that are heppy with who/what they are do not need to talk about the deadbeat to help their own self-esteem.
those that gossip about others are most likely insecure about their own shortcomings, so they project to make themselves feel better about their own lousy selves. not really that complicated if you think about it.
in college, people thought i was their deadbeat in the social circle because i was poor, a social outcast, liked to get drunk by myself, etc...
look at me now, lost some weight, got a decent job in my field, graduated, and changed my lifestyle. everybody else from my old clique? dropped out, had kids out of wedlock, dui's, stuck in dead-end retail, one of them is even in jail for murdering his father. never had that guy pegged as a killer. we smoked weed together.
anyways, point is, those who start/spread the most gossip are usually the most ***** up person in the group
In my family the former errant child is now the one everyone feels sorry for because she married someone whom they consider a deadbeat. It doesn't help when some of them add fuel to the fire.
Ego. People criticize those less successful than themselves because it makes them appear better by comparison. They are really discussing their own superiority. In many/most cases these people are not really satisfied with their own level of success. Those that are heppy with who/what they are do not need to talk about the deadbeat to help their own self-esteem.
I always thought that they were just plain "mean."
But I like your take on it.
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