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Originally Posted by 303Guy
The question arises from my own son's suicide. Not all suicides are driven by the same force I should think. Some suffer depression, some suffer extreme anxiety. But is there a common driving force or are there several unrelated or perhaps related driving forces?
It has always struck me as extreme when someone jumps of a high building. What anguish did they suffer to make them take that step? Why not just take an easy and painless measure? Would someone choose to end their life simply because life sucks and they see no hope for improvement? I'm still trying to understand the enormity of it. I think I understand my son's case but not what triggered it at the critical time (not fully anyway).
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I have read through this entire thread and although many people have given great answers I can’t see any answers that directly answered your question. I want you to have some closure for your loss so I specifically signed up to the site to answer your question. I hope a firsthand account of what he went through helps you understand why he had to make the decision he did.
First thing I want to clarify is that the reason that drives someone to suicide is completely unique for every person and can never be answered with a general response. There are too many variables, beliefs different hardships etc. that creates a unique situation that leads to someone’s decision to take their own life. However, there is one thing that holds true for every single person that goes through this experience. I’m talking about the pain they suffer through silently that no one else can see.
I have been suffering from severe depression for over 10 years. During that time I have done extensive study into the subject. I think the best way to explain why your son did what he did is to describe to you the mental anguish he was experiencing. When you get to the point where you have severe depression there are two levels you can be at.
The first is somewhat controllable depending on your willpower. At this level you are extremely sad all the time for most of the day. Try to imagine the saddest day of your life. Now imagine feeling that horrible every day because the saddest day replays itself over and over every day. You have involuntary crying spells every day. If you’re prone to anxiety that feeling is multiplied exponentially and lasts longer.
Your breathing speeds up, you have minor aches in different parts of your body, and you feel weak all the time even when you know you’re physically strong. Your motor skills are diminished. Your energy level is so low that even walking takes effort. For me it was so bad at one time that I even had blurred vision (I have 20/20 vision). Whatever caused the depression replays itself in your head continually and there is nothing you can do to stop the thoughts. It’s as if you’re experiencing it for the first time every single day. You lose/gain an appetite. This depends on the person, some people starve themselves and some gain an extreme amount of weight.
Your heart even hurts from the depression. When you have extreme spikes in your depression, it can feel like someone is squeezing your heart. You will have pain in your brain from all the mental anguish of depression. Sometimes the mental pain is so bad that you want to cause physical pain to yourself to try to block out the pain inside your head. I remember times where I would prick myself with a pin under the desk at work to try to drown out the mental pain because that’s all I could do to try to get through a work day.
You have no hope. The world is dark and grey. Nothing can bring you joy anymore. Everything you once enjoyed brings absolutely no pleasure to you anymore. Imagine all the delicious food, company of friends/family you love to be around, hobbies you absolutely love with a passion; all of a sudden they bring you not even the tiniest amount of happiness. Speaking of happiness, any good events in your life make you feel nothing. Yet even the smallest thing that goes wrong in your life brings you a torrent of pain.
Since nothing in this world brings you relief from the pain, you begin to dream of death. It starts as a thought and then becomes an obsession. Your mind sees it as the only solution to stop the pain. It becomes your only truth, your only goal, your only purpose. It almost becomes a “basic need” in line with eating or sleeping. Think of it this way, when you’re REALLY sleepy, the only thing that will get rid of that desire to sleep is sleep. Good food, sex, hobbies etc. mean nothing when you’re extremely tired. All you think about is sleep. That’s what suicide becomes to a person with severe depression. It becomes the ONLY true desire.
The only natural thing you can do in this state for temporary relief is sleep. That’s the only time you don’t experience everything I described. So the only thing most depressed individuals look forward to is sleep because that’s the closest to death and turning off the pain they can get. As I said before people at this stage can somewhat control how long they wait before committing suicide. They may have obligations that need to be taken care of or they may try to find a solution to help get out of this state.
The second level is what I consider to be the level of insanity. I have been there once and it takes a miracle to get out of this state. I think most suicides occur when someone is in this state because you literally don’t have any control left. Imagine everything I described above except it’s all amplified. The only peace of escaping these thoughts in your sleep is also gone. Even in your sleep your mind is commanding you to kill yourself. I doubt even the strongest man can make it past a month when in this state. I was there for just over a 1 ½ weeks and nothing else ever compares to the pain I went through in that time.
So all of this is what your son was battling with when he took his life. When you’re in constant pain like this, there is only so much you can take before you can’t take it anymore. I have read articles where they did some objective research into how much pain depression causes. They interviewed a cancer survivor who also had severe depression. The cancer survivor said that the pain of her depression so great that if she had to choose she would choose to get cancer again over depression.
Quote:
Originally Posted by 303Guy
I can understand that as reason. Where my understanding fails me is with my son - he had so many friends and a very supportive family yet his pain was too much for him. Yesterday, 1st of June was his birthday and a good number of his friends wished him on his Facebook page. (One poor lass only found out about his suicide when she came on to wish him). For him it was not loneliness or isolation although he might have felt isolated. He was popular and much loved. I do wonder what the proportion of suicide victims fall into each of the recognizable motivations for suicide.
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So I hope you understand that although your son may have had supportive friends and family, it really doesn’t matter when you’re in this state. Nothing matters. Money, family, love, friends, passions, popularity etc. all give you absolutely no joy or relief from the pain. The only relief is death. So please don’t blame yourself for your son’s death because if he was here today he would tell you firsthand it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the mental torture he was going through. If there are any more questions please feel free to ask and I will do my best to give you an answer.
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