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If someone's self-esteem depends on a someone else's response to them (especially if it's a stranger or someone you're approaching) the approach is going to feel very much like its emotions- that the person approaching is only concerned with his/her own feelings and isn't really seeing the other person as a full person, with feelings of their own. It is why desperation doesn't usually bring any good results. It's like Woody Allen's view of women- this giant p*ssy in the sky whose entire existence serves him and his feelings about himself.
I am not saying OP is that bad, but why being the object of someone else's self-esteem isn't a good feeling. It doesn't work in relationship, either, at least not in good relationship. I'm not saying it's uncommon, because it's not, but it isn't a desirable path to tread to connection.
I find it interesting that so many men in the cyber world seem to be of the impression that all women are part of some secret society, hell bent on emasculating men and/or trying to defraud, swindle and trick them. Adult sites are full of the idea that you men have to "get back at women" and "do things TO them" and similar diatribe.
I think that what some men consider to be a misanthropic undertone to everything, is in fact, the result of a hyper-individualistic society that we now live in.
There comes a point in life where you have to let go of pre-concieved ideas and infantile egotism regarding women - it's called growing up. Without being disrespectful, this can take many years for men and sometimes never happens at all. This is where older and more enlightened men need to step up and light the way.
Men have everything that they could ever possibly need in this life, right at their fingertips and somehow, it's just never enough. This leads me to think that maybe what you're looking for is something only you can provide.
Well, I guess the problem is that I communicated these feelings here.
But let's be very clear about this -- I don't feel that anyone else is responsible for my feelings in this sort of situation other than myself. By existing, you do not create my feelings.
It's not a problem that you communicate your feelings, if you also are communicating them to someone who might be in a position to help you. I'm glad you are seeking therapy. Please understand that you don't have to "like" your therapist for the therapy to work. In fact, it's sometimes best if the therapist makes you uncomfortable. It means they're pushing buttons that need to be pushed.
I know you understand that you're responsible for your own feelings. But please understand when you tell women that merely by LOOKING at us, these feelings of hatred bubble up in you ... it's frightening to us. We don't intend to hurt you. Most of us don't even know that you're having thoughts about us.
If you want to have an emotional interaction with a woman, unemotional interactions should come first. Get to know some women in a totally un-sexual way. Think of something you like to do ... biking, dancing, cooking, wine tasting, tennis, painting, writing, working with computers ... ANYTHING ... and join in a group that's doing that. Check out MeetUp, take a class at your local community college, see what's up at your public library. There are women everywhere DOING things. Women even go to ComicCons and pro football games, traditional "guy" things. Engage in activities with women that aren't a date. You need to start to thinking about women as PEOPLE and not as some "other" who is a issue react to with negative emotions.
Good luck with your problem. I do believe that you can overcome this now that you recognize that you do it.
So she's standing there about 5 minutes later texting in an aisle that I need to use. I hesitate to go in there because I don't want to bother her,
This may have been covered, if so, sorry, but it's just so odd I need to point it out to the OP. OP, do you realise how totally bizarre this train of thought is? Nobody thinks this way. Other people walking down that aisle are thinking "hmm, cereal aisle. Do I have oats? Yes. Silly person with trolley in middle of aisle. Ooh, Lucky Charms! Just reach around you there. OK, now, do we need flour?".
I'm glad you're in therapy. Has this illogical thinking been pointed out to you by your therapist?
This may have been covered, if so, sorry, but it's just so odd I need to point it out to the OP. OP, do you realise how totally bizarre this train of thought is? Nobody thinks this way. Other people walking down that aisle are thinking "hmm, cereal aisle. Do I have oats? Yes. Silly person with trolley in middle of aisle. Ooh, Lucky Charms! Just reach around you there. OK, now, do we need flour?".
I'm glad you're in therapy. Has this illogical thinking been pointed out to you by your therapist?
Yes, Illogical thinking has been pointed out. I'm going to discuss this incident in therapy today.
Having never had a girlfriend I sometimes feel anger towards women in general.
So she's standing there about 5 minutes later texting in an aisle that I need to use. I hesitate to go in there because I don't want to bother her, but I say heck I need this aisle. So I go down towards her. She gives a sour look and immediately stops texting and moves on. I'm sure she wasn't even thinking about me, but my mind goes, "that stuck up ***** is annoyed that I invade her space when she's standing there texting, and she's thinking I'm going down that aisle to hit on her but I'm not. Don't I have the right to shop without being judged as a creep"?
.
She may have NOT been thinking of YOU when she had the sour puss. She may not even had a sour puss, but that's what you thought it was. Maybe she just read on her text that her dog died. And you happened to come along.
So when the thoughts come, you have to not react according to what you automatically think.
don't take everything personally, it may have nothing to do with you.
You might be feeling guilty over your own thoughts about hitting on a chic! Maybe your thought were all about how hateful you feel about your own self. You're the one thinking you are a creep.
Are you a creep?
Or do you just think your a creep because you feel lousy about yourself?
Having never had a girlfriend I sometimes feel anger towards women in general.
I know this is unjustified. They have done nothing wrong. But it is hard not to project my frustration outward.
I was just at the grocery store. I'm shopping. I see a good looking woman. I check her out a little bit from far off for less than 2 seconds and she can't possibly have seen that. But I'm not interested. I'm just shopping, and not looking good. I'm not even remotely thinking I'm there to meet women.
So she's standing there about 5 minutes later texting in an aisle that I need to use. I hesitate to go in there because I don't want to bother her, but I say heck I need this aisle. So I go down towards her. She gives a sour look and immediately stops texting and moves on. I'm sure she wasn't even thinking about me, but my mind goes, "that stuck up ***** is annoyed that I invade her space when she's standing there texting, and she's thinking I'm going down that aisle to hit on her but I'm not. Don't I have the right to shop without being judged as a creep"?
So I project all these thoughts onto her, when she probably didn't think any of that.
As I walk out the store I'm thinking "women are the scum of the earth" and I'm annoyed by the sight of every woman I see. And I say "I'm going to start a thread titled Women Are Scum".
I'm tired if reacting to innocuous incidents like this in such an irrational way.
This is the junk I have to deal with in my head.
Thread got a little accusatory there, let's bring it back.
OP seems to be aware of a tendency to react in a way that does not quite address the reality of the situation. I don't think anyone here is going to be a "women killer" by any means. Seems like OP wanted to discuss perceptions.
Also, I'm not sure locking up every single person who YOU think has mental problems is the answer. Maybe conscientious discussions of social issues is a good start.
While I don't condone what Elliot Rodger did, I feel for the pain and loneliness he went through, guys have feelings and emotions, instinctively desire companionship too you know, we are not robots or androids, its very difficult to not be desperate for one if you are inexperienced or going through a long dry spell, unfortunately us guys are expected to be more mentally independent
While I don't condone what Elliot Rodger did, I feel for the pain and loneliness he went through, guys have feelings and emotions, instinctively desire companionship too you know, we are not robots or androids, its very difficult to not be desperate for one if you are inexperienced or going through a long dry spell, unfortunately us guys are expected to be more mentally independent
You don't get it do you? Elliott Rodger had a mental illness. He didn't murder people because he was lonely. Hundreds of thousands of people are lonely and struggle with making friends and finding their place in a social scene, but normal people do not become mass murderers.
You don't get it do you? Elliott Rodger had a mental illness. He didn't murder people because he was lonely. Hundreds of thousands of people are lonely and struggle with making friends and finding their place in a social scene, but normal people do not become mass murderers.
This bares repeating, Rodger was a sociopathic and narcisstic. Not getting his way at anything would have set him off. The virgin thing was just a convenient excuse. If he tried to get a job he think he deserved and got turned down he would've killed for that. The guy was just a nut job.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 07-16-2014 at 09:09 PM..
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