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You can forgive and not forget. For the ones who were truly sorry and didn't do again, forgive so that you can maintain that relationship. It is a growing experience for both. To forgive and not let go means to not really forgive. Forgive as you want forgiven, as you get what you give.
Now for the others forgive for you. Meaning forgive yourself for the incident, learn what you must even if that means never being around those people or situations anymore. To not forgive ( let go of pain of hurt for yourself) is akin to holding a hot coal in your hand and expecting the other to be burned. Or drinking poison and expecting the other to be ill. It will only hurt you. Anger, rage, hurt, depression, all hurt you. Heal, forgive, learn and never put up with that again. Have righteous anger, meaning you have boundaries now and will enforce them. You teach others how to treat you, go forward, have boundaries, forgive ( for yourself), be happy and surround yourself with those that enhance your life. Remember to not forgive gives the other person a piece of you, your power, your energy. Don't let anyone rent space in your head. Forgive, move on and be happy.
Good luck and blessings to you. It is a hard lesson. Believe me I am still working it.
After allowing myself to be around and live with toxic people, I have a sense of contempt for the folks who took advantage of my kindness.
Rather than suffering hurt, I like hating the people who have hurt me and ruined my life.
Does anyone else scoff at the, "You Must Forgive Movement"?
You're only hurting yourself. The resentment and anger you carry if grown can manifest itself into your body to make you sick with diseases or mental illness. We need to take God's example and forgive like he forgave us.
Usually, they tell you everything you want to hear. IF a person in your life is telling you things and it all seems to be the moon and stars, run and don't look back./
That's why you listen to yourself and nobody else. Trust yourself more. Don't doubt yourself when you feel you cannot trust a person's integrity. Until they've really shown you they can be trusted again, don't.
Forgive, but don't forget.
Here's the thing about forgiveness: Forgiving doesn't mean you allow people to trample over you.
Holding onto contempt is literally holding onto a cancer that's malignant.
Every pain, every anger, every sorrow, every second of that hurt? You're holding in viscerally, internally from within.
The pain you feel? The person who caused it isn't even looking back and worrying. So who's suffering still? You are, unfortunately. And the person who can heal yourself is you.
Sometimes, some people do not live in a level of consciousnesses to treat people kind. They live in a world where it's all about their ego, all about their own self.
Now, here's the trick about not forgiving- you also become the person you hate most. Like a paradox. The more you hate someone, the more you become that person.
Wherever you manifest you energy into, the more the energy expands.
I can be gullible and very forgiving. I do so just for my own sake, but I learn. I learn to be more myself, and at the same time assert myself where I need to when I need to. You can be who you are, and if people take advantage, it's more telling about their character than anything. Set appropriate boundaries, be yourself, and let the results of your kindness be your guide. People show their true colors eventually.
OP, it sounds like you are contradicting yourself. On the one hand, you take responsibility for allowing toxic people into your life. On the other hand, you say that they ruined your life.
After allowing myself to be around and live with toxic people, I have a sense of contempt for the folks who took advantage of my kindness.
Rather than suffering hurt, I like hating the people who have hurt me and ruined my life.
Does anyone else scoff at the, "You Must Forgive Movement"?
Why wallow in the hate? What purpose does it serve? Do the people you hate suffer a negative emotional impact because of your enmity? Hate can make you bitter, and bitterness can affect your overall emotional health even with people who are NOT toxic in your life.
Forgiveness is hard, but worth it. If only for your own peace of mind.
You're only hurting yourself. The resentment and anger you carry if grown can manifest itself into your body to make you sick with diseases or mental illness. We need to take God's example and forgive like he forgave us.
Over the top much?
There is no god. Do what is right and that is to think for oneself.
I'm not into the forgiving thing. I have experienced cruel meaness by people from backstabbing and lying to being mugged. I could never forgive the two thugs who jumped me from behind and tried to rob and kill me but at the same time it doesn't do any good to dwell and wonder if the law of averages caught up with them. I will assume it did.
In the law of averages and in most cases what goes around, comes around. I have heard of this happening too but perhaps not often enough....
Face it - there are creeps in this world. They lead miserable lives, and are not happy unless they can make others miserable, too.
Nobody ever said you HAD to forgive. Sure, if it's eating you up and making you sick, then do whatever gives you relief. But being hurt is, in itself, a healing process. The mind can be hurt much as the body can. Sometimes you just need to let what is, be. Wallow in it, if that's what you feel like doing. Pretending it isn't there will not help your mind, any more than it would help a broken leg.
You will know when it's time to move on. Hopefully, you will learn something from it, as we all do -- we develop mental "scars" that prevent further easy injury. It's part of life. Forgiveness? Not so much.
OP, I've been thinking about this topic a lot lately, and I'm glad you brought it up.
The "Forgiveness" business sounds so hoaky, especially after airing off of Oprah just sounds another new phantom word:
"Law of attraction"
"Abundant Living"
Even genuine words like forgiving now have some kind of marketing hype to sell a book deal.
Just like "He's Not that Into You"? I've been saying that since I was 12, and that was 20 yrs ago? Way before Grey Berendt coined the words "He's not that into you" , plz!
Despite being an overly hyped word, forgiveness is a process.
Sometimes, it takes looking at the bigger picture, and imagining yourself growing up in your enemy's shoes and feeling some sort of compassion for them, despite wanting to separate yourself 1,000 miles from them.
And, these ideas and concepts around forgiveness, love, positivity, existed for centuries- it's a part of our own psychological healing and growing, something I'd vouch to say, a part of our own evolution.
Forgiving is not about doing something for someone else. First of all, they could care less if you forgive them or hate their guts. They probably give not one ounce of energy caring if you forgive them, unless they deeply care for you -- and in that case they would have changed and you would have forgiven them years ago.
Forgiving is also not the point. Some things are unforgivable. But if they are, why in the world is the person who did them still in a position to hurt you? Why are they even an acknowledged part of your life where anything they do matters to you?
Wasting your time hating someone though, is self-destruction. Stopping the obsession with people who hurt you is perhaps the most generous thing you can do for yourself. You allow them to continue to hurt you by this. You are giving them your time, your thoughts, your energy - all things which would be better given to yourself, or family, friends.
If loosing your hatred means you are left thinking about yourself and feeling shame and guilt by default - it is also part of the process and that time is better spent on healing yourself. Never forget that the best revenge is living well. We feel helpless when people do bad things to us - and perhaps we were - but we are not helpless in how we personally survive. Giving up hatred gets rid of the false time & energy stealing impression that you are in control of things and people outside yourself and allows you to focus your energy on what you can control - yourself...
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