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He's smart...about some things...but he's socially weird. The more I've read about Aspergers the more it feels like a fit. Obviously neither I, nor posters on a forum, should be looked to for diagnosis of any sort of psychological profile or condition. I guess I'm wanting to bounce thoughts and see if anyone here thinks that there is any point in seeking therapy and/or diagnosis...
I feel like I'm one of very few who understands him and can "manage" him. He needs management. He can't function on his own as an adult. His notion of paying bills is waiting for someone to show up to collect money from him. He has no idea how much his paycheck has been or how much it should be, for over the last decade. He is simply incompetent at that. He can't be trusted to grocery shop or do normal adult things. He thrived in the military (for the most part) because the structure was what he needed. There was no question of even something so trivial as what color socks to wear that day...it was all highly regulated. How to treat others was cued by rank, he didn't have to decide how to behave.
Now he is 46, and the Service caused severe back problems, he is getting some VA disability but it's not enough for our household needs. He's looking for work, but he doesn't interview well. I try to coach him but when he's nervous he forgets what I told him to say, and says innappropriate things. He thinks it "went well" and then he tells me some of the questions and answers and I know that no one in their right mind would hire a guy who said those things...and sure enough, the "thanks but no thanks" letter comes shortly after. It's tough enough to get a job these days, even with the Veteran's supposed preference, but he simply CAN NOT read people to see if they are uncomfortable with something he says or does, and he can't understand normal conversation and social behavior. He's been let go from jobs for making repetitive and innappropriate comments, jokes...once he thought that everyone was "in" on the joke, when he didn't like this one female supervisor, and he not only said things about her to others but hung a voodoo doll of her in his cubicle. He thought it was hilarious, and no one would do anything to him because he was SO GOOD at his job. (He really was, he can out-perform anyone at the actual work of most jobs)...of course it didn't fly and he got fired.
Among our friends, he goes on and on and on about a few particular topics, usually things no one cares about. He speaks animatedly and loudly and won't let anyone get a word in edgewise, yells over and interrupts other people, and can't tell when someone is thinking "just shoot me, I have to get away from this conversation." He really upsets our youngest son sometimes because he constantly interrupts but won't let anyone else get away with doing the same. It's like he just wants to be the only voice that is ever heard. Sometimes it makes our marriage difficult too. And he is not interested in any family vacations or activities that are outside of his very narrow comfort zone. If forced to go, he'll disengage and spend the whole time reading, waiting in the car while the family goes and does things, etc. And when it comes to TV, books, music, and movies, he only wants to read or watch or hear the same things he knows he likes...he hates new anything. He prefers not to leave the house, although it's not so much anxiety as grouchiness and withdrawal if he's forced to.
There have been times I've considered leaving him after the kids are grown, because of how tough it can get...but I always realize how helpless he would be without me. He just can't relate to normal people and do normal things. He's a pain, but he's MY pain and I care about him. We've been together 17 years.
Really...I am getting increasingly worried about his inability to find or keep work in the civilian sector. I wonder if there is any kind of therapy out there that can help him figure out how to interact with people. I'm just not sure what to do... Any input is welcome.
You can make an appointment at your county Developmental Disabilities Department to have his IQ (intelligence) tested.
Then those with developmental disabilities can work at special places like Goodwill and others. Try getting a job there - you should be able to go along to help fill out the application and with the interview.
Ask both places questions about what your options are.
His IQ isn't the problem and he'd be very insulted if I suggested something like that.
He's brilliant in some ways...just not in "normal" ways. He knows everything ever about military history, guns...he's educated. He's smart. He's just socially maladaptive. He says things that make people shake their heads and he doesn't know why those things aren't funny or acceptable. He can't put himself in anyone's shoes, so to speak, or anticipate how they will perceive him.
Speaking as someone who has a family member on the autism spectrum, and who has done extensive reading about it over the years, I think what is most important is to trust your instincts on this.
Tony Attwood is one of the world's leading experts on autism spectrum disorders, and his site has some excellent information.
Regardless of whether your husband ever ends up getting an official diagnosis, the truth is that there are repetitive problems that are affecting your life as well as his, and you need to figure out what is going on so that you will know the best way to deal with these. You don't need an official diagnosis to read about autism spectrum traits and to use this information to start making decisions.
One thing I would suggest is that if you do decide to pursue diagnosis, pay the money to go to a psychologist who has experience working with adults on the spectrum. Do not just go to any psychologist and do not go to someone who only works with kids.
To help you get some perspective on the issues your husband is dealing with, I would suggest you fill out the following questionnaire - Aspie-quiz - based on your knowledge of your husband, and ask him to fill it out about himself (if that is something he would be willing to do). And see what kind of results you both get.
When you are on that page, just scroll down to the button that says "I accept" and you can fill out the test without registering.
Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss further.
I suppose I should be clear...I'm not looking for suggestions as to what sort of places would hire him.
I'm reaching to see if anyone has any experience with this sort of thing perhaps, whether therapy would be helpful, productive, a waste of time...?
I have not had the best experiences with forms of counseling or therapy in the past. But mine were childhood experiences and there is a huge difference between a parent trying to sort out a difficult child, and a stubborn, ornery old adult seeking help because he can't relate to the world around him. I just don't know if it's worth the time and $$ to do it...?
EDIT: Thanks, K.S.! That's the sort of thing I'm looking for, and I'll check it out.
His IQ isn't the problem and he'd be very insulted if I suggested something like that.
He's brilliant in some ways...just not in "normal" ways. He knows everything ever about military history, guns...he's educated. He's smart. He's just socially maladaptive. He says things that make people shake their heads and he doesn't know why those things aren't funny or acceptable. He can't put himself in anyone's shoes, so to speak, or anticipate how they will perceive him.
Well get him tested ANYWAY! Testing will reveal what his problems are. And if he has certain problems, he can qualify for certain programs. Or at the least point you in the right direction.
The developmental disabilities testing is free. If you pay for the testing yourself, it can be thousands of dollars.
Another option is to talk to your family physician and get a referral to someone who can test him.
Or call up a psychologist and have testing done if you have insurance which covers it.
If he refuses to do any of this due to his pride, there is nothing more you can do. So either live with it or consider other options for yourself.
I am uncertain any developmental testing can be done now - it would be retrospective at best. Most of what are called childhood disabilities are not typically diagnosed after persons turn 18. He likely wouldn't appreciate being considered as having Aspergers, Autism, or any kind of developmental disability (which doesn't always mean low IQ as much as it means something has not developed, such as awareness of social mores). It all sounds very ego-syntonic to him (I don't have a problem) and he lacks awareness of the disconnect, as opposed to not caring about offending. He may take well to Toastmaster's; while it is an art of social contact, it is also an art of social competence. Someone needs to give him structure and he needs to intuit such skills. This is a rough, long, intense road. I wish you well.
What attracted you to this guy? He must have seemed quirky and exotic at the time.
At any rate ... you probably already know with 90% accuracy what his issues are and spending a lot of time or money getting someone to tell you what you already know is not exactly the best use of resources. However, getting your husband to own his own issues MAY be worth it. Asperger's is not a death sentence of something you can't wear "loud and proud"; he can handle it. It seems to me that self awareness is the main thing he could benefit from. If he's been kidding himself all his life that he's not the odd duck and doesn't "get it", it's high time he knocked it off, so as to cause himself, you, and others around him less discomfort.
Certainly if nothing else he can't deny that a pattern has developed and that he's at the center of it, the common denominator if you will. At least with respect to holding down a civilian job. A simple neurological and personality evaluation that's as objective as possible will make this clear to him unless he insists on being in total denial. I would have a come-to-Jesus meeting with him about his inability to function in the workplace and give him some options for getting professional assistance / coaching with that. See where it takes you.
I respect you for being loyal and devoted to him, so long as he mans up and takes responsibility for himself.
He's a pain, but he's MY pain and I care about him. We've been together 17 years.
You are an Angel! I wish you all the best and hope you be able to find a way to help your man. I think you will find a way.
There's lots of info on autism and Asperger's out there. There may even be a link between autism spectrum and nutrition/biochemical imbalances in the brain. Look up those too. I come from a family of Asperger's/autism spectrum (my mother was autistic as it turns out - she had some quirks similar to how you describe your hubby).
Take care
303Guy
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