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You have many issues with your parents, overbearing father, mother who plays the martyr. And you're 22, you're going through that moving away from your family and developing your own persona period. You're also first generation immigrant which brings its own set of challenges. You could talk to a therapist about your upbringing but I think the best thing to do is limit your family time and start living your own life as you see fit.
Its been a month since I've talked with dad. I only communicate with mom now, who lives alone. I don't want to know what happened between mom and dad because it would only stress me out further. However, they are both willing to fund my education, and I respect them for that generosity.
I always have this feeling of desperation, and I keep wondering why ? I am a very lonely person in general, but go crazy when locked up inside my apartment for 2 days straight. Why is that, and what triggers such responses ?
Get a dog...try to get a hobbie or just go out by yourself.
Its been a month since I've talked with dad. I only communicate with mom now, who lives alone. I don't want to know what happened between mom and dad because it would only stress me out further. However, they are both willing to fund my education, and I respect them for that generosity.
Erickson talks about psychosocial stages, you're in the Intimacy vs Isolation stage. Everything you're going through is normal psychosocial development. You will continue to work through this period. Get out and meet people, do some fun stuff along with your studies. Try to keep in mind this is a very freeing time in your life where you really start developing your own likes and dislikes, where the foundation can be laid for lifelong friendships.
Almost everyone feels desperate and unsure of themselves at 22, you're not the only one.
I married twice and my second mate did not like being alone. Had I decided to marry a third, I would have made certain he was happy with his own company and didn't mind being alone.
I'm happy with being alone although I also enjoy being around others. I'm never bored. When I was growing up I once commented I was bored and my mother said it was up to me not to be bored, that if it happened again, she would find something for me to do. I made sure to keep myself entertained. It helps a lot to appreciate books and reading.
When there was a commercial on TV, my second mate was ready to be entertained until the regular program began again. If I was reading, I had to stop and participate in whatever was afoot. Otherwise, he would beat on the chair arms and make noises to attract my attention. He was bored and I was supposed to jump into action.
A woman once told me she didn't know what she would do without her husband because she couldn't bear being alone. Now that's a very sad state of being.
I always have this feeling of desperation, and I keep wondering why ? I am a very lonely person in general, but go crazy when locked up inside my apartment for 2 days straight. Why is that, and what triggers such responses ?
Sounds like you desire connection, and your parents not communicating along with your not reaching out seems to reflect your inner conflict within your own family.
And, it's normal for people to want and need to feel heard, understood, validated.. Sounds like also you come from a family that doesn't always encourage for that expression and open communication.
It's normal to crave social interaction. Just part of being human.
Not my place, but -instead of hanging out on these fora, go for a walk or a movie or buy some stuff you need or don't need at the mall. Let people dismiss it as Retail Therapy or whatever. If it works, do it.
Locking yourself for two days in the apartment is not going to cure your loneliness. (Yes I am trying to win the "most obvious comment" prize on CD forums.)
Try reading a book called "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle.
It doesn't address your query directly, but indirectly. It's all about gaining a "present moment" awareness. That might help take you out of your "head" a little.
It can be an interesting read for you. Some of the ideas and concepts he presents didn't sink in on the first read. I've read it a couple of times now and get a little something new or different from each read.
Don't beat yourself up so much... this is coming from a man who is double your age and I still struggle a lot of the time.
Life is hard enough as it is... don't pile on more than you need to.
I think the first four words sufffice.
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